I'm sure more of my regular visitors have noticed that I haven't blogged in a while. We've been taking a break from the whole TTC thing, and I really haven't had anything interesting to blog about. I hate that my last post was such a downer, so I think it's fitting that this 100th post have some defined closure with a hopeful and upbeat tone. I may blog here and there as thoughts or events occur, but certainly nothing regular.
I've been on a pretty even keel recently in regards to our family situation. I'm actually getting to the point that I'm thinking I don't want anymore babies of my own. I don't know if this is just me rationalizing what I can't have to myself. But Savannah is starting to be able to do more and more things on her own now-a-days. She has even gotten to the point where she can brush and floss her teeth and can even wash her own hair (with a little supervision). It's fantastic! She'll be taking out the garbage and doing laundry and dishes before we know it! I keep thinking how exhausting it would be to start over with another little one. In fact, I mentioned all this to Kevin the other day and he was in agreement that if we don't have a baby in the next couple years or sooner we'll be done with this chapter in our lives.
Funny thing is we went to see Despicable Me later that day. It's a heart-warming story about an evil villain who haphazardly ends up adopting three orphaned girls who worm their way into his heart. It got me thinking. Why couldn't we just skip the baby stage and adopt a child that was 3 or 4? My need to nurture is so great that I know I would love this child as my own. There are of course many things to consider with this option, but the most important concern is would Kevin learn to love this child as his own as well? I think that's essential for the complete well-being of the child to feel truly accepted as a member of the family. Anything less would be an injustice.
I mentioned the idea to Kevin. He has not wanted to consider adoption up to this point but promised to reconsider his feelings on the matter if there is no chance for him to have further biological children. I'm no longer sure what to expect in the future, but despite my desires I am beginning to learn how to be content with what I have now.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Emotional! Arggg!
I'm having an emotional time this morning remembering the babies we lost and grieving over the other members of our family that we will probably never have. The intensity of the emotions has surprised me. Trying to remember to be happy with what we have is proving to be especially hard this morning...
-- Post From My iPhone
-- Post From My iPhone
Friday, April 23, 2010
Learning to live a worry-free life
My pre-menopausal state has apparently decided to manifest itself physically. I knew it would happen eventually and sooner rather than later, but less than a month after getting the news? I'm on day 38 of my cycle, and no, I'm not pregnant. Spoke with my doctor yesterday, and if I didn't have a positive urine pregnancy test this morning then I'm not pregnant, so I'm not pregnant... I'm supposed to call back if I go two months without a period.
I know I said I'm happy with our family like it is, but do you sometimes find yourself saying something if only to convince yourself? Maybe if I say it over and over, I'll eventually believe it...
I was really irritable this past weekend. At first I wasn't sure why. I was short and snippy with Kevin, and we were quarreling over silly little things. And then I realized that there was something that had my mind preoccupied. The loss of my friend's daughter really shook me up. I couldn't help wondering what if we lost Savannah? Other children would never replace the ones you lost, but it does soften the blow. But we CAN'T have more kids to soften that fearful blow. I'm so very happy and proud of my child but I DO want more. I find myself being scared with the idea that we may be left with no children.
I told myself that I'm not going to monitor anything anymore. If we get pregnant, I will probably miscarry anyway. But I was hoping I was pregnant this time. I was hoping that we would someday accidentally get pregnant and miraculously keep the pregnancy to term and have a living, healthy baby at the end. I was hoping for our happy ending. But this pre-menopausal cycle has reminded me that that isn't likely and probably not possible.
I feel the need to come to terms with my family the way it is - to be happy with what I have. But no, I'm not at peace yet. I am grieving over the family that I envisioned, and it is a process I haven't completed yet.
Everyone keeps telling me stress can play a factor in your cycle. Maybe the grief is interfering with it. My fear is that I'm in a perpetual state of stress that I don't even know what non-stress feels like. I want to learn how to live a worry-free life. I want to learn to be happy with what I have now.
I know I said I'm happy with our family like it is, but do you sometimes find yourself saying something if only to convince yourself? Maybe if I say it over and over, I'll eventually believe it...
I was really irritable this past weekend. At first I wasn't sure why. I was short and snippy with Kevin, and we were quarreling over silly little things. And then I realized that there was something that had my mind preoccupied. The loss of my friend's daughter really shook me up. I couldn't help wondering what if we lost Savannah? Other children would never replace the ones you lost, but it does soften the blow. But we CAN'T have more kids to soften that fearful blow. I'm so very happy and proud of my child but I DO want more. I find myself being scared with the idea that we may be left with no children.
I told myself that I'm not going to monitor anything anymore. If we get pregnant, I will probably miscarry anyway. But I was hoping I was pregnant this time. I was hoping that we would someday accidentally get pregnant and miraculously keep the pregnancy to term and have a living, healthy baby at the end. I was hoping for our happy ending. But this pre-menopausal cycle has reminded me that that isn't likely and probably not possible.
I feel the need to come to terms with my family the way it is - to be happy with what I have. But no, I'm not at peace yet. I am grieving over the family that I envisioned, and it is a process I haven't completed yet.
Everyone keeps telling me stress can play a factor in your cycle. Maybe the grief is interfering with it. My fear is that I'm in a perpetual state of stress that I don't even know what non-stress feels like. I want to learn how to live a worry-free life. I want to learn to be happy with what I have now.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Extra hugs
Tuesday evening I learned that an old friend of mine from junior high lost (I think unexpectedly) his 4 year old daughter due to undiagnosed brain swelling, and learning this has really weighed heavy on me the last couple days. I've not been on the helpless end of a tragedy since we've been on the hurting end of our tragedies, but I think it's affected me so much because I can relate so closely to the pain I know that family is feeling right now. It feels so wrong when a child dies.
I spoke to him earlier today for the first time in 12 years, and I thought about all the things I wanted to tell him to help him and his family through this dark time. I was nervous about calling, but I decided to because I know just offering words of condolences can be a comfort in and of themselves. I wanted to say that people will inadvertently say some insensitive things, but to try to look past their words to their intentions. I wanted to tell him about the anger he will feel but to try to not let it turn into bitterness. I wanted to tell him about the surreal emptiness that is just too painful to fully comprehend at first but will ease its grip over time. I wanted to tell him that the mornings when you are alone with your thoughts will be the hardest time of the day. I wanted to tell him that grieving is an individual journey that each person does at their own pace and in their own way and to be gentle and patient with each other. I wanted to tell him above all that it's so important to do the work of grief.
But I didn't mention any of those things. These are all lessons he and his wife will have to learn on their journey, and that saddens me. I told him there's not much I can say to make it better, it will be hard, and I'm so sorry they have to go through this.
Even before hearing this news, I've thought about what would happen if we lost Savannah. I look at all the pictures she draws, and I keep the special ones for memories. I'll see something that's completely unique to her like a strand of her curly hair, a dried out marker, a cheap little silly toy that she enjoys playing with; and I'll leave it where it is - just in case I need it to remind me of her later. But more specifically, it's times like these that remind me to cherish the loved ones in our lives because we never know if we might not have them with us anymore. Tonight I made sure to give my little girl extra hugs because I can.
I spoke to him earlier today for the first time in 12 years, and I thought about all the things I wanted to tell him to help him and his family through this dark time. I was nervous about calling, but I decided to because I know just offering words of condolences can be a comfort in and of themselves. I wanted to say that people will inadvertently say some insensitive things, but to try to look past their words to their intentions. I wanted to tell him about the anger he will feel but to try to not let it turn into bitterness. I wanted to tell him about the surreal emptiness that is just too painful to fully comprehend at first but will ease its grip over time. I wanted to tell him that the mornings when you are alone with your thoughts will be the hardest time of the day. I wanted to tell him that grieving is an individual journey that each person does at their own pace and in their own way and to be gentle and patient with each other. I wanted to tell him above all that it's so important to do the work of grief.
But I didn't mention any of those things. These are all lessons he and his wife will have to learn on their journey, and that saddens me. I told him there's not much I can say to make it better, it will be hard, and I'm so sorry they have to go through this.
Even before hearing this news, I've thought about what would happen if we lost Savannah. I look at all the pictures she draws, and I keep the special ones for memories. I'll see something that's completely unique to her like a strand of her curly hair, a dried out marker, a cheap little silly toy that she enjoys playing with; and I'll leave it where it is - just in case I need it to remind me of her later. But more specifically, it's times like these that remind me to cherish the loved ones in our lives because we never know if we might not have them with us anymore. Tonight I made sure to give my little girl extra hugs because I can.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
End of the journey
So, I think we made it to the end of our infertility journey, and it is bittersweet. I say "I think" because you never know what cogs will get thrown into your wheel of a plan. But based on our current circumstances, "I think" we're done.
I wrote earlier that I had decided to stop stressing about all this fertility stuff and just let it play out as it would. Well, I've taken it a step further and I think I'm done playing it out.
After coming to the realization that IVF could cost substantially more than we initially bargained for, I told Kevin that the ball is in his court. I'm not going to bring it up again. It has always been a higher priority to Kevin to have two sons, and I told him he has to figure out how much it's worth to him. I'll go along for the ride, but I'm mentally tired of rehashing my history for 2nd and 3rd and 4th opinions (which never are in concurrance anyway). I'll show up for blood draws and exams and procedures if he wants to pursue anything, but any other options will have to explored and initiated by him. I'm done.
It saddens me that Savannah will be an only child, and it's sad that we didn't end up with the family we initially set out to create, but I feel liberated. This is a peaceful place to be. I don't need to plan for more children, and we can fully focus all our energy and attention on our one living, healthy child and move forward with our family as we know it now.
I've been thinking about writing a book of fiction loosely based on our own pregnancy loss circumstances. I wondered to myself how I would end it - happy with the magical rainbow baby or sad without the triumphant live birth. But I came to the realization that this too is a happy ending even though it has been touched by tradgedy (whose story hasn't been touched by sadness in some way?) It is a happy ending because I am at peace with the beautiful family I have helped create and am a part of.
-- Post From My iPhone
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
40 year old ovaries
I just found out I have the ovaries of a 40 year old even though I'm only 30. I spoke with our infertility doctor today and my day 3 labs came back. My inhibin B and estrogen are on the low side with numbers indicating perimenopausal. However, my doctor said we are only at a "yellow light" right now as far as ovarian reserve because my FSH was normal.
I mentioned to my doctor that there isn't a history of early menopause in my family as far as I know, but he said that the abruption or heavy bleeding from it could have caused me to loose a lot of eggs. I don't know if I had heavy bleeding from the abruption. He asked if I needed a transfusion, but I didn't. I do know that I had heavy bleeding with this last miscarriage.
Maybe my ovaries are just plum tuckered out after all this drama. Apparently my uterus is up for the task even though it's been through hell and back, why aren't my stupid ovaries?! All they have to do is release eggs, it's the uterus that has to do all the heavy lifting! Come on girls, get it together! Anyway, back on topic...
Because of my hyperactive natural killer cells, he also wants to order a DQ Alpha test for both me and Kevin to test genetic similarity (which insurance also does not cover). My doctor says it's rare, but if the DNA of a couple is too similar, the woman's body will reject the pregnancy (this happens in nature to prevent things like offspring from incest and such, ya know...) I asked a few questions about what it would mean if we were too similar, and there are options, but it would complicate things a lot. We'll explore that path if we need to. It stresses me out too much to think about it right now. It would however offer an explanation for all the unexplained problems we've had (stillbirth, abruption, miscarriages).
It just seems to me like this story is getting worse and worse. I got off the phone today feeling really discouraged. I really really want more kids and to have at least one living sibling for Savannah, but I really want to be done with all this soon. Apparently, my ovaries want to be done with all this soon too. Do you hear that noise? Is that a clock ticking? Lemme go find out where that's coming from...
I mentioned to my doctor that there isn't a history of early menopause in my family as far as I know, but he said that the abruption or heavy bleeding from it could have caused me to loose a lot of eggs. I don't know if I had heavy bleeding from the abruption. He asked if I needed a transfusion, but I didn't. I do know that I had heavy bleeding with this last miscarriage.
Maybe my ovaries are just plum tuckered out after all this drama. Apparently my uterus is up for the task even though it's been through hell and back, why aren't my stupid ovaries?! All they have to do is release eggs, it's the uterus that has to do all the heavy lifting! Come on girls, get it together! Anyway, back on topic...
Because of my hyperactive natural killer cells, he also wants to order a DQ Alpha test for both me and Kevin to test genetic similarity (which insurance also does not cover). My doctor says it's rare, but if the DNA of a couple is too similar, the woman's body will reject the pregnancy (this happens in nature to prevent things like offspring from incest and such, ya know...) I asked a few questions about what it would mean if we were too similar, and there are options, but it would complicate things a lot. We'll explore that path if we need to. It stresses me out too much to think about it right now. It would however offer an explanation for all the unexplained problems we've had (stillbirth, abruption, miscarriages).
It just seems to me like this story is getting worse and worse. I got off the phone today feeling really discouraged. I really really want more kids and to have at least one living sibling for Savannah, but I really want to be done with all this soon. Apparently, my ovaries want to be done with all this soon too. Do you hear that noise? Is that a clock ticking? Lemme go find out where that's coming from...
Rebirth of the seasons
Last Wednesday, March 24th was Garrett's one year birthday. I would have posted earlier about it, but I've been super busy since then. I'm still super busy. In fact, I'm always super busy. But I figured if I let more time go by it would cease to be relevant, and I would forget the emotions I was experiencing. So here I am making time.
Garrett's birthday also happens to coincide with Kevin's birthday. That makes it especially tough. I mentioned this to Kevin before his birthday to find out if he wanted to do anything to commemorate the event, but he doesn't want the sadness of the event to make others uncomfortable when they are trying to celebrate his birthday. So I decided to have my little pity party all by myself. I allowed myself time to be alone with my emotions so that I could deal with them and then have the ability to focus on Kevin without allowing the sadness of Garrett's birth to overshadow Kevin's birthday. That strategy seemed to work well.
I took some time away from everyone and looked over old pictures and videos of our little guy. I had myself a good cry and then treated myself to lunch with my husband. I had a lot of people tell me that they can't believe it's already been a year, but I keep thinking to myself, "It's only been a year?!" It seems longer to me! It seems like I'm moving in slow motion trying to reach our goal. To say we've had a lot happen in the past year is an understatement.
We're also approaching the anniversary of Garrett's death. I'm finding this to be even more difficult as things keep bringing me back to the events and emotions surrounding it. Although the circumstance of his birth is tragic, it was characterized by emotions that were not altogether sad. Certainly fear was associated with it, but there was that time of uncertainty tinged with cautious optimism because he was born alive. But his death on the other hand is only characterized by sadness.
Garrett's death was on April 7th, but the memorial service just happened to coincide with Easter Sunday. All the things that we do for Easter and in the Spring bring me back to that time. My family is coming in to celebrate Savannah's birthday which is April 2nd. They will also be here for Easter Sunday, and it seems like deja vu in a way.
This past weekend I cleaned out the little memorial garden that my parents and I made for Sierra and Garrett, and it brought back all those memories and emotions when we were creating it for them. Spring and the associated rebirth of the seasons used to be a time that reminded me of life and vitality and optimism, but it's seeming to have the opposite effect on me this year. Can I hope for a time when this change of season doesn't seem so dark?
Garrett's birthday also happens to coincide with Kevin's birthday. That makes it especially tough. I mentioned this to Kevin before his birthday to find out if he wanted to do anything to commemorate the event, but he doesn't want the sadness of the event to make others uncomfortable when they are trying to celebrate his birthday. So I decided to have my little pity party all by myself. I allowed myself time to be alone with my emotions so that I could deal with them and then have the ability to focus on Kevin without allowing the sadness of Garrett's birth to overshadow Kevin's birthday. That strategy seemed to work well.
I took some time away from everyone and looked over old pictures and videos of our little guy. I had myself a good cry and then treated myself to lunch with my husband. I had a lot of people tell me that they can't believe it's already been a year, but I keep thinking to myself, "It's only been a year?!" It seems longer to me! It seems like I'm moving in slow motion trying to reach our goal. To say we've had a lot happen in the past year is an understatement.
We're also approaching the anniversary of Garrett's death. I'm finding this to be even more difficult as things keep bringing me back to the events and emotions surrounding it. Although the circumstance of his birth is tragic, it was characterized by emotions that were not altogether sad. Certainly fear was associated with it, but there was that time of uncertainty tinged with cautious optimism because he was born alive. But his death on the other hand is only characterized by sadness.
Garrett's death was on April 7th, but the memorial service just happened to coincide with Easter Sunday. All the things that we do for Easter and in the Spring bring me back to that time. My family is coming in to celebrate Savannah's birthday which is April 2nd. They will also be here for Easter Sunday, and it seems like deja vu in a way.
This past weekend I cleaned out the little memorial garden that my parents and I made for Sierra and Garrett, and it brought back all those memories and emotions when we were creating it for them. Spring and the associated rebirth of the seasons used to be a time that reminded me of life and vitality and optimism, but it's seeming to have the opposite effect on me this year. Can I hope for a time when this change of season doesn't seem so dark?
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Natural Killer Cells and moving on
I spoke with the RE this morning, and apparently I tested positive for hyperactive Natural Killer Cells. Based on the research I did online there is some controversy surrounding this diagnosis, but based on his school of thought he feels this is causing the early miscarriages.
The theory is that these hyperactive natural killer cells (or a type of white blood cells) are attacking the embryo. If the embryo is able to grow large enough, it can "defend" itself. So this does not explain the stillbirth or abruption. The doctor explained that there are no other tests we can do where we can find a cause for those. He assured me that I will be closely monitored during my pregnancy, but that doesn't give me much assurance considering the circumstances.
Successful pregnancies can be had with the hyperactive NKC because one can become more sensitive with repeat "exposures" hence the reason why we would be having a problem with miscarriages now when I've never had a problem before.
If we decide to continue to try naturally with no treatment, we have about a 4% chance of having a successful pregnancy. However, if we decide to do IVF with intravenous immunoglobulin (IVIG) therapy to treat the NKC, we have about a 60% chance of having a successful pregnancy. We can't do the IVIG therapy without IVF because they are supposed to give the first infusion two weeks before you're pregnant. If you don't do IVF, the timing is unpredictable.
Even though this is just one diagnosis, I feel this is a lot to take in. We've found a cause for the the early miscarriages, but it has essentially eliminated our option for trying naturally. I wanted to have the option to try naturally before or after our IVF attempt in case it didn't work.
It also hasn't given us an explanation for Sierra or Garrett. I'm apprehensive about paying for IVF with the thought in mind that we could loose the pregnancy later on. However, I'd rather have the bill and have tried and failed than not have tried at all. At least then we're not stuck with "what if's".
With all this in mind, I've decided to change my perspective on things - if only to manage my stress level surrounding all this. I've decided to move forward with the assumption that we may never have anymore children. If the expectation is set, then I can't be let down. I read on the clinic's website that the sensitivity I've developed is more the exception than the rule - usually women who have this are not able to have any children because they start off with this sensitivity. We beat the odds once, and maybe we already had our little "rainbow" baby that some couples try for years and never succeed at.
After I came to this decision, I felt instantly lighter like some weight had been lifted from my metaphorical shoulders. I know this is probably just a coping mechanism, but I know this is the right way to deal with it for me. I've allowed myself to move on and not worry and stress about it anymore.
I would like to continue to try as long as we can afford it and have the health to do so, but I'm going in with the assumption that it may not work and we may never have any more children. And if it succeeds, then we'll be pleasantly surprised. We may only end up being stuck with the bill, but at least we can say we tried, and most importantly we can be thankful for our one living healthy child.
The theory is that these hyperactive natural killer cells (or a type of white blood cells) are attacking the embryo. If the embryo is able to grow large enough, it can "defend" itself. So this does not explain the stillbirth or abruption. The doctor explained that there are no other tests we can do where we can find a cause for those. He assured me that I will be closely monitored during my pregnancy, but that doesn't give me much assurance considering the circumstances.
Successful pregnancies can be had with the hyperactive NKC because one can become more sensitive with repeat "exposures" hence the reason why we would be having a problem with miscarriages now when I've never had a problem before.
If we decide to continue to try naturally with no treatment, we have about a 4% chance of having a successful pregnancy. However, if we decide to do IVF with intravenous immunoglobulin (IVIG) therapy to treat the NKC, we have about a 60% chance of having a successful pregnancy. We can't do the IVIG therapy without IVF because they are supposed to give the first infusion two weeks before you're pregnant. If you don't do IVF, the timing is unpredictable.
Even though this is just one diagnosis, I feel this is a lot to take in. We've found a cause for the the early miscarriages, but it has essentially eliminated our option for trying naturally. I wanted to have the option to try naturally before or after our IVF attempt in case it didn't work.
It also hasn't given us an explanation for Sierra or Garrett. I'm apprehensive about paying for IVF with the thought in mind that we could loose the pregnancy later on. However, I'd rather have the bill and have tried and failed than not have tried at all. At least then we're not stuck with "what if's".
With all this in mind, I've decided to change my perspective on things - if only to manage my stress level surrounding all this. I've decided to move forward with the assumption that we may never have anymore children. If the expectation is set, then I can't be let down. I read on the clinic's website that the sensitivity I've developed is more the exception than the rule - usually women who have this are not able to have any children because they start off with this sensitivity. We beat the odds once, and maybe we already had our little "rainbow" baby that some couples try for years and never succeed at.
After I came to this decision, I felt instantly lighter like some weight had been lifted from my metaphorical shoulders. I know this is probably just a coping mechanism, but I know this is the right way to deal with it for me. I've allowed myself to move on and not worry and stress about it anymore.
I would like to continue to try as long as we can afford it and have the health to do so, but I'm going in with the assumption that it may not work and we may never have any more children. And if it succeeds, then we'll be pleasantly surprised. We may only end up being stuck with the bill, but at least we can say we tried, and most importantly we can be thankful for our one living healthy child.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
New OB consult appointment...
I had my consult appointment today with my new OB. She is in agreement with the RE that we don't want to treat my pregnancy loss history with blood thinners unless there is something to treat. She doesn't think the MTHFR mutation that I have is one that requires treatment. She said she's seen patients with similar history who want to be preventatively treated for anything that could possibly go wrong, and she commended me on my rational approach for only seeking treatment for problems I've been diagnosed with. Unfortunately, we haven't located the problem so there's nothing to treat yet...
She says all that in one breath, but she still wants me to stay on the low-dose aspirin and Folbic (super high dose folic acid). It's funny because I'm the one that mentioned those drugs to my last doctors based on things I read online. I wonder if this doctor would have even considered it if I wasn't already on it. Do you ever feel like you're your own doctor sometimes? Anyway...
I mentioned my classical c-section scar to her and the possibility of twins with IVF. She agrees that having twins will put extra stress on the scar but is not enough to prevent our IVF attempts. She outlined some of the major risks with having twins such as pre-term labor and pre-eclampsia that may require bed rest and premature birth. She would prefer that I only carry one baby at a time because a singleton is generally less risky, but there's not a whole lot of control we have over that. If we get twins with our IVF attempts, then we'll deal with it. If we only have one or none in there, then we'll deal with that too.
As long as my pap smear comes back normal (which I don't foresee a problem with that *knock on wood*), then we will receive the green light for IVF. We will then have the privilege of paying a boat-load of money for the use of technology to try to conceive the gender of our choosing.
So now we go back to the waiting game... (If I were a news broadcaster, that'd be my signature sign off...)
She says all that in one breath, but she still wants me to stay on the low-dose aspirin and Folbic (super high dose folic acid). It's funny because I'm the one that mentioned those drugs to my last doctors based on things I read online. I wonder if this doctor would have even considered it if I wasn't already on it. Do you ever feel like you're your own doctor sometimes? Anyway...
I mentioned my classical c-section scar to her and the possibility of twins with IVF. She agrees that having twins will put extra stress on the scar but is not enough to prevent our IVF attempts. She outlined some of the major risks with having twins such as pre-term labor and pre-eclampsia that may require bed rest and premature birth. She would prefer that I only carry one baby at a time because a singleton is generally less risky, but there's not a whole lot of control we have over that. If we get twins with our IVF attempts, then we'll deal with it. If we only have one or none in there, then we'll deal with that too.
As long as my pap smear comes back normal (which I don't foresee a problem with that *knock on wood*), then we will receive the green light for IVF. We will then have the privilege of paying a boat-load of money for the use of technology to try to conceive the gender of our choosing.
So now we go back to the waiting game... (If I were a news broadcaster, that'd be my signature sign off...)
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
More unanswered questions...
Just got back from the doctor's office. They drew blood to test my natural killer cells (NKC) and performed the hysteroscopy.
We should get the results back from the blood test in 7-10 days.
The hysteroscopy is a procedure where a telescope is inserted into the uterus via the cervix so that the interior of the uterus can be examined. Everything looks good. The doctor commented that he can't even see my c-section scars. That's good news, but somewhat anticlimactic. If scar tissue were present, it could have offered an explanation regarding the early miscarriages. It could have also been easily remedied.
Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful I have a healthy uterus, but we're still left with unanswered questions which is incredibly frustrating. Now we wait for the results of the NKC blood test...
In the meantime, I have a consult appointment tomorrow with my new OB/GYN. We will see if she will sign off that I'm healthy enough for IVF with no increased risk to my health/life. I'm concerned I may not get the go ahead because I'm not sure if the classical c-section I have could put me at increased risk of uterine rupture with twins. I'm anxious about what this new OB says because it could eliminate IVF as an option for us, but I'm trying to stay calm though until we know the answer.
I also need to get a pap smear... fun stuff!
We should get the results back from the blood test in 7-10 days.
The hysteroscopy is a procedure where a telescope is inserted into the uterus via the cervix so that the interior of the uterus can be examined. Everything looks good. The doctor commented that he can't even see my c-section scars. That's good news, but somewhat anticlimactic. If scar tissue were present, it could have offered an explanation regarding the early miscarriages. It could have also been easily remedied.
Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful I have a healthy uterus, but we're still left with unanswered questions which is incredibly frustrating. Now we wait for the results of the NKC blood test...
In the meantime, I have a consult appointment tomorrow with my new OB/GYN. We will see if she will sign off that I'm healthy enough for IVF with no increased risk to my health/life. I'm concerned I may not get the go ahead because I'm not sure if the classical c-section I have could put me at increased risk of uterine rupture with twins. I'm anxious about what this new OB says because it could eliminate IVF as an option for us, but I'm trying to stay calm though until we know the answer.
I also need to get a pap smear... fun stuff!
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Label change, aisle three...
I've been walking around the last couple days since our appointment with the RE on Tuesday with a very odd feeling. I can't quite place it. This whole experience seems really surreal to me.
We've been talking about IVF and pricing and the steps required to get to that point, and we seem to be going full steam ahead with tests and procedures and new doctors, but it's giving me some anxiety to think that we're going to be a proud owner of a loan in the same range of a decent car whether we have a baby at the end of this or not! I had a hard time buying a $400 dresser, and there is a lot more at stake with this transaction! It's taking me a little bit to adjust to being out of my comfort zone finance wise.
I also never thought I'd be a woman who would need to meet with an infertility specialist. We don't exactly need IVF to conceive, but obviously something is wrong (not sure what yet) where we need the expertise from this field. I was talking with the financial counselor at the clinic to get pricing and such, and she told me that once you meet with an RE, you pretty much get the label of "infertility".
I guess that's what's been bothering me recently. I almost feel as if I'm grieving for my "fertile status". I've always associated infertility with IVF for reasons that go without saying. I don't exactly need IVF to conceive, but I do need it for my mental and physical well being. In other words I need it to keep my sanity and spare my fractured back so we can limit the number of future pregnancies we have for the amount of children we want.
Before we had Savannah when we first started talking about having kids, I had that fear in the back of my mind, "what if we have problems". But we didn't have problems (at first), and I thought we were going to be safe from all the horrors of struggling with infertility. Then we had our first loss, and then another, and then we lost two more pregnancies early on. I still felt I could hang onto my "fertile status" because we could get pregnant so easily. I felt and still feel like there's something wrong with me, but I still knew I was fertile. Now that perception is changing within myself. I know it's just a label, and I'm not one that likes labels generally speaking, but these things do help us organize things better in our minds. So now I feel that I've finally made the change from fertile to infertile, and it's kinda sad and weird.
Update: I forgot to also mention that I have a general sense of anticipation and excitement that hopefully this process will end with a living baby in our arms. It seems that this strange feeling that I've had the last couple days is probably a combination of lots of different feelings and thoughts swirling around in my head from eagerness, anxiety, hopefulness, and even grief.
We've been talking about IVF and pricing and the steps required to get to that point, and we seem to be going full steam ahead with tests and procedures and new doctors, but it's giving me some anxiety to think that we're going to be a proud owner of a loan in the same range of a decent car whether we have a baby at the end of this or not! I had a hard time buying a $400 dresser, and there is a lot more at stake with this transaction! It's taking me a little bit to adjust to being out of my comfort zone finance wise.
I also never thought I'd be a woman who would need to meet with an infertility specialist. We don't exactly need IVF to conceive, but obviously something is wrong (not sure what yet) where we need the expertise from this field. I was talking with the financial counselor at the clinic to get pricing and such, and she told me that once you meet with an RE, you pretty much get the label of "infertility".
I guess that's what's been bothering me recently. I almost feel as if I'm grieving for my "fertile status". I've always associated infertility with IVF for reasons that go without saying. I don't exactly need IVF to conceive, but I do need it for my mental and physical well being. In other words I need it to keep my sanity and spare my fractured back so we can limit the number of future pregnancies we have for the amount of children we want.
Before we had Savannah when we first started talking about having kids, I had that fear in the back of my mind, "what if we have problems". But we didn't have problems (at first), and I thought we were going to be safe from all the horrors of struggling with infertility. Then we had our first loss, and then another, and then we lost two more pregnancies early on. I still felt I could hang onto my "fertile status" because we could get pregnant so easily. I felt and still feel like there's something wrong with me, but I still knew I was fertile. Now that perception is changing within myself. I know it's just a label, and I'm not one that likes labels generally speaking, but these things do help us organize things better in our minds. So now I feel that I've finally made the change from fertile to infertile, and it's kinda sad and weird.
Update: I forgot to also mention that I have a general sense of anticipation and excitement that hopefully this process will end with a living baby in our arms. It seems that this strange feeling that I've had the last couple days is probably a combination of lots of different feelings and thoughts swirling around in my head from eagerness, anxiety, hopefulness, and even grief.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Back at square one with unanswered questions
We met with the infertility specialist yesterday (also known as an RE or reproductive endocrinologist). I'm really glad we decided to do this; the only regret I have is that I didn't do it earlier.
We were given a lot of information at our consult appointment.
1. My current doctors' diagnosis and treatment plan is wrong for my situation. The MTHFR mutation that I have is heterozygous, and it is on the "benign" gene. The problems I'm having are not related to this mutation. Additionally, if I did have the more dangerous form of this mutation, it is not typically treated with blood thinners. You treat it with 4mg of Folgar which lowers the homocysteine levels. He basically was irritated with my current doctors because they are treating my "history" rather than finding the cause of our problems. A lot of what he was telling me I had already read online. But there is so much contradictory information out there, you really don't have any option but to trust your doctor.
It goes without saying that I will be finding a new OB and perinatologist. In fact, I called this morning to get a referral, and the doctor emailed me himself with his recommendation less than an hour after I called! I was really impressed with how fast he returned my message.
2. We can mostly rule out various factors that cause repeat pregnancy loss, things like genetics (both me and Kevin have already been tested for this), hormonal (I don't exhibit any symptoms of hormonal problems like menstruation problems), environmental factors (I don't smoke), and probably low ovarian reserve since I'm not yet at an advanced maternal age. That leaves a few categories that we can't definitively rule out: uterine lining, immune, and bad luck.
3. He would like to run some additional tests to either find a cause or rule out other factors.
I have an appointment on Wednesday for a procedure to inspect my uterine lining. The doctor thinks the last c-section I had could have caused some scaring which is now causing the early miscarriages. A vertical incision into the uterus especially under emergency conditions can increase your risk for scarring. Apparently, this is easily remedied by removing the scar tissue.
He is also ordering a test (that insurance doesn't cover) that screens for natural killer cells that are too active. Natural killer cells are basically white blood cells that will typically attack anything foreign that enters your body. However if they are too active and don't respond properly to the father's genetic code, they will also attack the embryo causing miscarriage or pregnancy loss later. I'm not sure at this time how this is treated. Probably by lowing your immune system somehow, but that's just a guess.
There is also another immune response that can cause repeat pregnancy loss. This one works by antiphospholipid antibodies reacting to the placenta and creating clots around it thus compromising the pregnancy. These antibodies are present with other immune disorders such as lupus and rheumatoid arthritis, but their presence doesn't mean you have those disorders. This is treated with small amounts of blood thinners to help prevent clots forming. He did not order this test at this time because insurance doesn't cover this one either, but also because we were already screened for this after the first loss. However, the test that was done is not sensitive enough to detect any trace levels of this. However, he thinks that if I did have this, it probably would have shown up with their tests. We will probably go back and do this one if we don't have any answers from the other two tests.
The doctor did say that sometimes you can have a successful pregnancy at first with immune issues because it is like being exposed to an allergen - it's not the first exposure that's the worst, but the severity increases after each exposure.
I have an appointment on Wednesday for a procedure to inspect my uterine lining. The doctor thinks the last c-section I had could have caused some scaring which is now causing the early miscarriages. A vertical incision into the uterus especially under emergency conditions can increase your risk for scarring. Apparently, this is easily remedied by removing the scar tissue.
He is also ordering a test (that insurance doesn't cover) that screens for natural killer cells that are too active. Natural killer cells are basically white blood cells that will typically attack anything foreign that enters your body. However if they are too active and don't respond properly to the father's genetic code, they will also attack the embryo causing miscarriage or pregnancy loss later. I'm not sure at this time how this is treated. Probably by lowing your immune system somehow, but that's just a guess.
There is also another immune response that can cause repeat pregnancy loss. This one works by antiphospholipid antibodies reacting to the placenta and creating clots around it thus compromising the pregnancy. These antibodies are present with other immune disorders such as lupus and rheumatoid arthritis, but their presence doesn't mean you have those disorders. This is treated with small amounts of blood thinners to help prevent clots forming. He did not order this test at this time because insurance doesn't cover this one either, but also because we were already screened for this after the first loss. However, the test that was done is not sensitive enough to detect any trace levels of this. However, he thinks that if I did have this, it probably would have shown up with their tests. We will probably go back and do this one if we don't have any answers from the other two tests.
The doctor did say that sometimes you can have a successful pregnancy at first with immune issues because it is like being exposed to an allergen - it's not the first exposure that's the worst, but the severity increases after each exposure.
4. I found out this morning that we have zero coverage for infertility with our current insurance plan. Once a diagnosis is made, we are on our own. I am having a conference call tomorrow morning with the clinic's financial advisor to see how much IVF will cost and if we can even afford it at this time.
5. If we choose to do the IVF, I will also need a perinatologist sign off that I am not at increased risk for carrying twins. This clinic experiences a 25% chance of twins with IVF, and they do not want both babies or the mother's life to be in jeopardy.
5. If we choose to do the IVF, I will also need a perinatologist sign off that I am not at increased risk for carrying twins. This clinic experiences a 25% chance of twins with IVF, and they do not want both babies or the mother's life to be in jeopardy.
An encouraging bit of news is that this particular clinic has a 60% success rate for IVF, and they have the highest success rate in the Dallas area. I just hope we can get to the point that we have the means to be able to afford it! If anything, I hope that we can finally get some answers and at least have a treatment plan if we decide to try naturally. Now back to the waiting game...
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Food buzz and philosophical musings
This is completely off topic, but I thought it was really interesting and would be fun to share.
So, we were eating at Genghis Grill last night - a restaurant that specializes in Mongolian stir fry. For those unfamiliar with the concept, Mongolian stir fry is basically where you go down a line (not entirely unlike a cattle corral) and combine in typically random-like fashion your own choices of meats, veggies, spices, and sauces (at your own risk and possible your own peril) to be cooked on a huge wok by restaurant-employed cooks. I thought I was careful to avoid any spices or sauces marked with a "hot" indicator since I'm one that can tolerate (and sometimes enjoys) the quick flash of spice but am wary of anything that might have the lasting linger of heat.
Well, my food was either contaminated by another's spicier creation, or I was not as thoroughly observant as I had originally believed, or their spices and/or sauces were mislabeled or underrated because I received a dish of exactly what I was trying to avoid. However, the typical nature of such spices usually involves a slow increase of the heat which makes its near-immediate effects immediately unknown to an unsuspecting diner.
I was halfway through my food before realizing my mishap and decided to power through and finish my meal. At the end, I was left with the characteristic burn that terrorizes lips and tongue. But after a few minutes, I started feeling the sensation that one typically experiences after a glass of wine or beer. I felt as if I had a buzz and the burning sensation had noticeably decreased. I mentioned this to Kevin, and he said he's heard of such things happening but has never been privy to the experience himself. After a quick google on the iphone we discovered that apparently this is a fairly common occurrence and is caused by endorphins being released in the brain causing a sense of general contentment. He said he's read the same thing happens to burn victims. I also remember having the same sensation after massages.
The one article mentioned that people can become "addicted" (not in the crack-addict way, but more like an adrenaline-junkie way) to the sensation but start building tolerances to the heat-inducing spices. But these spices are completely safe and healthy for our bodies. I find this completely fascinating how something so simple or innocuous can affect our brain and subsequently our mood. But I think I'll stick with my massages for getting my "brain high" rather than spicy food.
It reminds me how important it is to take time to do the self-care items that are not so obviously important to our mental and physical health. There are things happening behind the scenes in our bodies that aren't so apparent. If we take care of our bodies, our bodies will take care of us, and we will be in a better mindset and physical condition to enjoy the simpler things in life. We will be better able to be in the moment and enjoy the journey for the journey rather than being so focused on the end destination when we can forget to "stop and smell the roses". I struggle with being in the moment because of my personality and because of our pregnancy loss experiences, but I think this experience has reminded me to make that a priority. So maybe this little experience isn't so off topic as I originally thought when I first sat down to write about it.
So, we were eating at Genghis Grill last night - a restaurant that specializes in Mongolian stir fry. For those unfamiliar with the concept, Mongolian stir fry is basically where you go down a line (not entirely unlike a cattle corral) and combine in typically random-like fashion your own choices of meats, veggies, spices, and sauces (at your own risk and possible your own peril) to be cooked on a huge wok by restaurant-employed cooks. I thought I was careful to avoid any spices or sauces marked with a "hot" indicator since I'm one that can tolerate (and sometimes enjoys) the quick flash of spice but am wary of anything that might have the lasting linger of heat.
Well, my food was either contaminated by another's spicier creation, or I was not as thoroughly observant as I had originally believed, or their spices and/or sauces were mislabeled or underrated because I received a dish of exactly what I was trying to avoid. However, the typical nature of such spices usually involves a slow increase of the heat which makes its near-immediate effects immediately unknown to an unsuspecting diner.
I was halfway through my food before realizing my mishap and decided to power through and finish my meal. At the end, I was left with the characteristic burn that terrorizes lips and tongue. But after a few minutes, I started feeling the sensation that one typically experiences after a glass of wine or beer. I felt as if I had a buzz and the burning sensation had noticeably decreased. I mentioned this to Kevin, and he said he's heard of such things happening but has never been privy to the experience himself. After a quick google on the iphone we discovered that apparently this is a fairly common occurrence and is caused by endorphins being released in the brain causing a sense of general contentment. He said he's read the same thing happens to burn victims. I also remember having the same sensation after massages.
The one article mentioned that people can become "addicted" (not in the crack-addict way, but more like an adrenaline-junkie way) to the sensation but start building tolerances to the heat-inducing spices. But these spices are completely safe and healthy for our bodies. I find this completely fascinating how something so simple or innocuous can affect our brain and subsequently our mood. But I think I'll stick with my massages for getting my "brain high" rather than spicy food.
It reminds me how important it is to take time to do the self-care items that are not so obviously important to our mental and physical health. There are things happening behind the scenes in our bodies that aren't so apparent. If we take care of our bodies, our bodies will take care of us, and we will be in a better mindset and physical condition to enjoy the simpler things in life. We will be better able to be in the moment and enjoy the journey for the journey rather than being so focused on the end destination when we can forget to "stop and smell the roses". I struggle with being in the moment because of my personality and because of our pregnancy loss experiences, but I think this experience has reminded me to make that a priority. So maybe this little experience isn't so off topic as I originally thought when I first sat down to write about it.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Infertility specialist
I scheduled a consult appointment with an infertility specialist today. I hadn't been thinking about it recently, but we were talking about the car problems we've been having recently and thinking how long we'll be able to go before needing to buy another vehicle. We were talking about the size of the vehicle we would need with how many kids we hope to have, and Kevin mentioned that if we want to do PGD/IVF, this would be a good time and we should see how much our insurance will cover.
I can't help but feeling a little guilty about going. I asked my current OB if she thought we should pursue seeing a specialist, but she didn't see it as necessary. It would be one thing if I didn't need to tell her, but I have to request medical records for the appointment. But I remind myself that I need to look out for my own best interest in this. It would make me feel more at ease to get a second opinion and to put this stage in life behind us quicker if we can have two babies at one time rather than being pregnant two more times...
So anyway, now I get to sit down and fill out the tomes of medical history requested for this appointment. Wish me luck!
I can't help but feeling a little guilty about going. I asked my current OB if she thought we should pursue seeing a specialist, but she didn't see it as necessary. It would be one thing if I didn't need to tell her, but I have to request medical records for the appointment. But I remind myself that I need to look out for my own best interest in this. It would make me feel more at ease to get a second opinion and to put this stage in life behind us quicker if we can have two babies at one time rather than being pregnant two more times...
So anyway, now I get to sit down and fill out the tomes of medical history requested for this appointment. Wish me luck!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
This past Monday, I got back from my brother's wedding in El Paso. I wasn't supposed to be there because I was supposed to be pregnant and wasn't going to travel. But I dealt with this wedding much better than I did my sister's wedding when I was supposed to be pregnant as well. I think the difference was that I opted not to be part of the wedding party this time. Despite the fact that I shouldn't have been there, I am very happy that I was able to be with my brother and his new wife on their wedding day.
I remember packing for this trip on Friday going through my mental checklist of stuff to take and arriving at maxipads thinking, "nah, I shouldn't start my period yet." Well, low and behold, I started Saturday. I mentioned to my mom on Sunday that I was going to need to stop by the store to pick some up since I didn't have enough in my purse, and she says, "oh! your dad's at the store, let's call him to see if he'll pick some up." I handed her my phone and said, "you talk to him!" It's a natural bodily function, but I was embarrassed to mention, talk about, or even allude to this bodily function with my father. Anyway, I know I said it before, but thanks again Dad!
Maybe that's another reason I was able to deal with this wedding better. Maybe it lifted my mood a little bit to know that now that my period has started, we can start trying to get pregnant again. Now to get down to the nitty gritty of loosing about 10 pounds. All this "deserving" of chocolate has kinda tipped the scales in the wrong direction! I thought I'd have more time to get my act together!
As a side note, I was reminded today that I received the pathology results back last week from the tissue sample that was sent off from the D&C. Basically, we don't have any additional information. The pathology report stated that the sample was maternal tissue and did not have any chromosome abnormalities. Obviously we already know that I don't have any chromosome abnormalities. We still don't know for sure if the clotting factor caused the miscarriage or if it was due to some fluke chromosome abnormality. Oh well, we've already revised my treatment plan, and hopefully it'll work this time.
I remember packing for this trip on Friday going through my mental checklist of stuff to take and arriving at maxipads thinking, "nah, I shouldn't start my period yet." Well, low and behold, I started Saturday. I mentioned to my mom on Sunday that I was going to need to stop by the store to pick some up since I didn't have enough in my purse, and she says, "oh! your dad's at the store, let's call him to see if he'll pick some up." I handed her my phone and said, "you talk to him!" It's a natural bodily function, but I was embarrassed to mention, talk about, or even allude to this bodily function with my father. Anyway, I know I said it before, but thanks again Dad!
Maybe that's another reason I was able to deal with this wedding better. Maybe it lifted my mood a little bit to know that now that my period has started, we can start trying to get pregnant again. Now to get down to the nitty gritty of loosing about 10 pounds. All this "deserving" of chocolate has kinda tipped the scales in the wrong direction! I thought I'd have more time to get my act together!
As a side note, I was reminded today that I received the pathology results back last week from the tissue sample that was sent off from the D&C. Basically, we don't have any additional information. The pathology report stated that the sample was maternal tissue and did not have any chromosome abnormalities. Obviously we already know that I don't have any chromosome abnormalities. We still don't know for sure if the clotting factor caused the miscarriage or if it was due to some fluke chromosome abnormality. Oh well, we've already revised my treatment plan, and hopefully it'll work this time.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
CHL ready!
Well, I took a concealed handgun license (CHL) class yesterday. In Texas in order to carry a handgun on your person, you must be licensed to do so. It is also required to be concealed. Some states allow open carry, but for whatever reason ours does not. I'm not even sure how often I'll carry a gun on my person (certainly not on a daily basis considering I don't get out much), but being someone that does NOT like to attract attention, I seriously doubt I would entertain the idea of wearing it openly if the law allowed.
Anyway, obtaining a CHL involves 10 hours of instruction, a range test, a written test, and lots of delving into your background to make sure you're a law-abiding, mentally-stable resident (or non-resident, whatever your case maybe). I was incredibly nervous about the range test. You have to go through different sequences of shots and be able to obtain a certain amount of accuracy within an allotted time frame. I had only ever practiced firing a weapon twice before, but I scored 4 points less than the maximum score. I did better than most others in the class!
A friend asked me why I would want to carry a gun, and being nervous about the gun is one reason I decided to get my CHL - to force myself to become familiar and thus comfortable. We have handguns in our home for protection (locked up and secured of course), but prior to making myself familiar with the weapons, I wouldn't have even known how to take the safety off! How can you protect yourself or your family if you can't even use the weapon properly? What happens if the gun jams when you try to use it or if you have a miss fire (where the primer fails to make the bullet fire)? I've always felt it's important to be prepared, and this is no different in my mind.
Because I was unfamiliar with the weapon, I was also scared of the gun. It goes without saying that a mistake on my part when handling the weapon could have deadly consequences. I certainly didn't want to see this happen. I could have just decided to practice at the gun range with the weapon to become more familiar, but I haven't had the chance until recently because it's not really safe to be around a gun when it's discharged when you're pregnant because of all the chemicals and lead. I figured that since I'm in between pregnancies (is that like being in between jobs?), it would be the perfect time to take advantage of this opportunity.
I'd also like to say that it is our right provided by the Constitution to be able to defend ourselves by bearing arms. If we do not take advantage of these rights, we may find that they are no longer available to us should we ever need them.
It's funny some of things you'll do after you realize you're not immune to tragedy. You sometimes hear about chance random violent encounters in the news, but they really aren't that common. I don't know the statistics, but you're probably more likely to die in a car accident than be a victim of a random violent crime. But once you've become part of an unlikely statistic (unexplained stillbirth for example), you tend to believe that you could become part of any slim statistic. If it is within my power to prevent even something remotely unlikely as a violent encounter, I'd like to have the ability to try!
Anyway, obtaining a CHL involves 10 hours of instruction, a range test, a written test, and lots of delving into your background to make sure you're a law-abiding, mentally-stable resident (or non-resident, whatever your case maybe). I was incredibly nervous about the range test. You have to go through different sequences of shots and be able to obtain a certain amount of accuracy within an allotted time frame. I had only ever practiced firing a weapon twice before, but I scored 4 points less than the maximum score. I did better than most others in the class!
A friend asked me why I would want to carry a gun, and being nervous about the gun is one reason I decided to get my CHL - to force myself to become familiar and thus comfortable. We have handguns in our home for protection (locked up and secured of course), but prior to making myself familiar with the weapons, I wouldn't have even known how to take the safety off! How can you protect yourself or your family if you can't even use the weapon properly? What happens if the gun jams when you try to use it or if you have a miss fire (where the primer fails to make the bullet fire)? I've always felt it's important to be prepared, and this is no different in my mind.
Because I was unfamiliar with the weapon, I was also scared of the gun. It goes without saying that a mistake on my part when handling the weapon could have deadly consequences. I certainly didn't want to see this happen. I could have just decided to practice at the gun range with the weapon to become more familiar, but I haven't had the chance until recently because it's not really safe to be around a gun when it's discharged when you're pregnant because of all the chemicals and lead. I figured that since I'm in between pregnancies (is that like being in between jobs?), it would be the perfect time to take advantage of this opportunity.
I'd also like to say that it is our right provided by the Constitution to be able to defend ourselves by bearing arms. If we do not take advantage of these rights, we may find that they are no longer available to us should we ever need them.
It's funny some of things you'll do after you realize you're not immune to tragedy. You sometimes hear about chance random violent encounters in the news, but they really aren't that common. I don't know the statistics, but you're probably more likely to die in a car accident than be a victim of a random violent crime. But once you've become part of an unlikely statistic (unexplained stillbirth for example), you tend to believe that you could become part of any slim statistic. If it is within my power to prevent even something remotely unlikely as a violent encounter, I'd like to have the ability to try!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
I have a problem
I have a problem and it centers around what is now the age-old abortion debate. In an effort to persuade individuals to think "pro-life", proponents are now relying on irresponsible and ethically dangerous techniques. One is now being lead to believe that if one prays hard enough or follows blindly enough or is righteous enough or has enough faith, etc, etc, one will be graced with beating the odds and can go against medical convention regardless of risk.
I became aware of the Tebow family during Super Bowl Sunday while seeing a commercial during a pre-game show. My husband informed me that the mother in this commercial was advised to have an abortion because of health reasons that put her own life in danger. She opted to go against medical advice and keep the pregnancy which resulted in a healthy baby who now happens to be a well known football player. You can read the full story here. While I think it's wonderful that they had a good outcome, I think it's irresponsible for Focus on the Family to encourage and endorse this type of behavior. I'm not going to say the Tebow family made the right or wrong decision. It is a decision each family/mother needs to make on their/her own based on logical and personal reasons. The Tebow family is the exception, not the rule, and it is irresponsible to lead people to believe that if they pray long or hard enough they too can have the desired outcome. There is a reason they're called odds and most people are not going to have the desired outcome if the odds are stacked against them.
I am envious of the Tebow's story. I will admit that right now. There was no doubt in my mind that we were going to have a healthy baby before we lost Sierra. I fortified myself spiritually when I became pregnant again and prayed harder and stronger and believed I would have my sought after "rainbow" baby. To tell me I didn't have enough faith or I wasn't praying right would be a slap in my face if I still believed all that nonsense (anyone want a side of bitter with their meal?). Why were they able to have the desired outcome against greater odds when I did everything I was supposed to do too? Why couldn't I have my babies with me as well?
Aside from all that emotional turmoil, my main desire is that people will use logic when making risky decisions rather than falling victim to the Hollywood-fairy-tale-ending type propaganda. Use your brains people, and don't let yourself be the next victim to the sensationalism.
I became aware of the Tebow family during Super Bowl Sunday while seeing a commercial during a pre-game show. My husband informed me that the mother in this commercial was advised to have an abortion because of health reasons that put her own life in danger. She opted to go against medical advice and keep the pregnancy which resulted in a healthy baby who now happens to be a well known football player. You can read the full story here. While I think it's wonderful that they had a good outcome, I think it's irresponsible for Focus on the Family to encourage and endorse this type of behavior. I'm not going to say the Tebow family made the right or wrong decision. It is a decision each family/mother needs to make on their/her own based on logical and personal reasons. The Tebow family is the exception, not the rule, and it is irresponsible to lead people to believe that if they pray long or hard enough they too can have the desired outcome. There is a reason they're called odds and most people are not going to have the desired outcome if the odds are stacked against them.
I am envious of the Tebow's story. I will admit that right now. There was no doubt in my mind that we were going to have a healthy baby before we lost Sierra. I fortified myself spiritually when I became pregnant again and prayed harder and stronger and believed I would have my sought after "rainbow" baby. To tell me I didn't have enough faith or I wasn't praying right would be a slap in my face if I still believed all that nonsense (anyone want a side of bitter with their meal?). Why were they able to have the desired outcome against greater odds when I did everything I was supposed to do too? Why couldn't I have my babies with me as well?
Aside from all that emotional turmoil, my main desire is that people will use logic when making risky decisions rather than falling victim to the Hollywood-fairy-tale-ending type propaganda. Use your brains people, and don't let yourself be the next victim to the sensationalism.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Back to Normal
I had another two week checkup today to follow up with the D&C and check my hCG levels again.
Everything looks back to normal, and I feel back to normal. They don't expect my hCG to be down to zero yet, but they will continue to follow it every two weeks until it is zero again. I should have the results back tomorrow on that. My doctor has recommended that we wait 1-2 cycles before trying again.
I forgot to mention before that after I came out of surgery I was told that the doctor had already stopped by to talk with me. They said I asked her some pretty good questions, but I thought it was pretty funny that I had no recollection of this what-so-ever. My doctor said that I was very alert and was talking perfectly coherently. I asked if there was enough tissue to be able to do a chromosome analysis. But we still don't know the answer to this.
She told me today that they sent the tissue off. It wasn't very much, but they will try to get it to grow. If it grows, there was enough tissue. If it doesn't grow, then there wasn't enough. They can usually tell in about 2 weeks, so we are still waiting on this. This will hopefully give us clues as to if the miscarriage was from a chromosome abnormality or the clotting factor.
My doctor also mentioned that based on the tissue she retrieved and I guess how it was attached, I would not have been able to pass the tissue on my own, and I would have continued to bleed. I am glad that we have the technology to be able to take care of these things.
Now I work to get my body healthy again while we wait until we can start trying again...
Everything looks back to normal, and I feel back to normal. They don't expect my hCG to be down to zero yet, but they will continue to follow it every two weeks until it is zero again. I should have the results back tomorrow on that. My doctor has recommended that we wait 1-2 cycles before trying again.
I forgot to mention before that after I came out of surgery I was told that the doctor had already stopped by to talk with me. They said I asked her some pretty good questions, but I thought it was pretty funny that I had no recollection of this what-so-ever. My doctor said that I was very alert and was talking perfectly coherently. I asked if there was enough tissue to be able to do a chromosome analysis. But we still don't know the answer to this.
She told me today that they sent the tissue off. It wasn't very much, but they will try to get it to grow. If it grows, there was enough tissue. If it doesn't grow, then there wasn't enough. They can usually tell in about 2 weeks, so we are still waiting on this. This will hopefully give us clues as to if the miscarriage was from a chromosome abnormality or the clotting factor.
My doctor also mentioned that based on the tissue she retrieved and I guess how it was attached, I would not have been able to pass the tissue on my own, and I would have continued to bleed. I am glad that we have the technology to be able to take care of these things.
Now I work to get my body healthy again while we wait until we can start trying again...
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Gratitude day 18
Today, I'm thankful
1. (I just remembered this one from Saturday, how could I forget?!) That our tax paper work I set on top of our car Saturday before driving off to meet our CPA landed NEXT to the big puddle rather than in it. I'm also thankful we didn't loose anything and that one of our friendly neighbors helped us pick up Savannah's drawing paper that had blown all over the road.
2. That I FINALLY (for real this time) fixed our front door knob. This stupid thing kept coming off if someone looked at it wrong when trying to open the door. It was rather amusing seeing someone's face who experienced this little glitch for the first time, but it got to the point that it was hit or miss if we would even be able to get the door open. But thankfully a little WD40 and a rubber mallet seemed to do the trick. Let's hope it stays fixed this time...
3. That our media room is clean! Call me weird, but I love sitting in a room that has been decluttered.
-- Post From My iPhone
1. (I just remembered this one from Saturday, how could I forget?!) That our tax paper work I set on top of our car Saturday before driving off to meet our CPA landed NEXT to the big puddle rather than in it. I'm also thankful we didn't loose anything and that one of our friendly neighbors helped us pick up Savannah's drawing paper that had blown all over the road.
2. That I FINALLY (for real this time) fixed our front door knob. This stupid thing kept coming off if someone looked at it wrong when trying to open the door. It was rather amusing seeing someone's face who experienced this little glitch for the first time, but it got to the point that it was hit or miss if we would even be able to get the door open. But thankfully a little WD40 and a rubber mallet seemed to do the trick. Let's hope it stays fixed this time...
3. That our media room is clean! Call me weird, but I love sitting in a room that has been decluttered.
-- Post From My iPhone
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Gratitude day 17
Today, I'm thankful
1. That we have a plan for paying the taxes we owe this year AND we have a plan for making sure we won't get behind again. Oh, the joys of being self employed...
2. For a booming business with profit, despite the taxes...
3. That the grocery shopping is done for the week... yes, I dread grocery shopping!
1. That we have a plan for paying the taxes we owe this year AND we have a plan for making sure we won't get behind again. Oh, the joys of being self employed...
2. For a booming business with profit, despite the taxes...
3. That the grocery shopping is done for the week... yes, I dread grocery shopping!
Friday, January 29, 2010
Gratitude day 16
Today, I'm thankful
1. That I'm done taking my antibiotics. I'm glad we have them available, but they were making me sick to my stomach, yuck!
2. That I'm finished recording my expenses for our 2009 taxes, wheww! And I discovered that my profit from the daycare was substantially higher than the year before (or the year before that). I am exceptionally thankful for it, but it looks like we'll probably have to pay extra taxes this year rather than get a refund. We'll find out tomorrow though when we meet with our CPA.
3. For the Mardi Gras king cake that Kevin surprised us with. Yummy!
-- Post From My iPhone
1. That I'm done taking my antibiotics. I'm glad we have them available, but they were making me sick to my stomach, yuck!
2. That I'm finished recording my expenses for our 2009 taxes, wheww! And I discovered that my profit from the daycare was substantially higher than the year before (or the year before that). I am exceptionally thankful for it, but it looks like we'll probably have to pay extra taxes this year rather than get a refund. We'll find out tomorrow though when we meet with our CPA.
3. For the Mardi Gras king cake that Kevin surprised us with. Yummy!
-- Post From My iPhone
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Gratitude day 15
Today, I don't have anything unique to be thankful for that I haven't already mentioned, but I'd like to list some obvious things.
1. For my great and suppportive friends and family
2. For the prosperity in our lives that allows our kids to pick and choose what they do and don't want to eat at any given meal
3. For living in a free society where we can practice things like democracy, freedom of religion, free speech, and all those other warm and fuzzy things we tend to take for granted.
-- Post From My iPhone
1. For my great and suppportive friends and family
2. For the prosperity in our lives that allows our kids to pick and choose what they do and don't want to eat at any given meal
3. For living in a free society where we can practice things like democracy, freedom of religion, free speech, and all those other warm and fuzzy things we tend to take for granted.
-- Post From My iPhone
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Gratitude day 14
Today, I'm thankful
1. That I've finished my daycare curriculum subscription and I get to start reusing it! It took me 2 years, but now I get to save some money AND time! I'm really excited about the time part...
2. That I get to spend time alone with my daughter on Wednesdays before her tumbling class. BTW, I'm also thankful that we have the means to send her to a tumbling class.
3. That we do have two functioning cars, but I'm frustrated that my husband took the only key with him to the car he left leaving me immobile...I'm again thankful that my mother-in-law bailed us out and drove us to tumbling. Thanks again, Kathy!
4. That my surprisingly thoughtful husband got extra keys made today so we never have this problem again. I know it was just keys, but I was really touched by this. It was almost as good as flowers...almost. Thanks Kevin!
5. That I seemed to have made it out of my rut today. I had my normal energy level back and didn't feel down like I had been. I'm hoping to start exercising again on Friday barring any complications. I think that will do wonders for keeping my mood up.
1. That I've finished my daycare curriculum subscription and I get to start reusing it! It took me 2 years, but now I get to save some money AND time! I'm really excited about the time part...
2. That I get to spend time alone with my daughter on Wednesdays before her tumbling class. BTW, I'm also thankful that we have the means to send her to a tumbling class.
3. That we do have two functioning cars, but I'm frustrated that my husband took the only key with him to the car he left leaving me immobile...I'm again thankful that my mother-in-law bailed us out and drove us to tumbling. Thanks again, Kathy!
4. That my surprisingly thoughtful husband got extra keys made today so we never have this problem again. I know it was just keys, but I was really touched by this. It was almost as good as flowers...almost. Thanks Kevin!
5. That I seemed to have made it out of my rut today. I had my normal energy level back and didn't feel down like I had been. I'm hoping to start exercising again on Friday barring any complications. I think that will do wonders for keeping my mood up.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Gratitude day 13
Today, I'm thankful
1. For eating dinner out
2. That the laundry has been sorted and started
3. For the bubble bath I'm about to take
-- Post From My iPhone
1. For eating dinner out
2. That the laundry has been sorted and started
3. For the bubble bath I'm about to take
-- Post From My iPhone
Monday, January 25, 2010
Gratitude day 12
Today, I'm thankful
1. For my friend's succinct words describing exactly how I feel about our situation. After reading our story, she said it gave her chills because "it was like watching a movie and knowing that there has to be a good ending but being so anxious you want to fast forward to the end to see."
I told her that's how I feel all the time! I know we're going to have a good ending. I don't know how we're going to get there exactly, but I just want to fast forward through the drama and anxiety and get to the happy ending! Thanks, Kimber, for reminding me that we're looking for a happy ending after all this.
2. That I finished my grocery shopping, for now...
3. That I understand Kevin's convoluted supplemental insurance plan, and I know exactly what I need to do to get them to pay my medical bills. I'm also still glad we have medical insurance especially since the bills started rolling in this year...
1. For my friend's succinct words describing exactly how I feel about our situation. After reading our story, she said it gave her chills because "it was like watching a movie and knowing that there has to be a good ending but being so anxious you want to fast forward to the end to see."
I told her that's how I feel all the time! I know we're going to have a good ending. I don't know how we're going to get there exactly, but I just want to fast forward through the drama and anxiety and get to the happy ending! Thanks, Kimber, for reminding me that we're looking for a happy ending after all this.
2. That I finished my grocery shopping, for now...
3. That I understand Kevin's convoluted supplemental insurance plan, and I know exactly what I need to do to get them to pay my medical bills. I'm also still glad we have medical insurance especially since the bills started rolling in this year...
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Gratitude day 11
Today, I'm thankful
1. For having the time to get our story out of my head and online. You can find it here. I feel better already!
2. For Kevin's help with the technical aspects of publishing our story. Thanks Kevin, I appreciate your help!
3. That I have been able to rest and recover and that the cramps have been hardly noticeable at all! Now to try to get some stuff done today for next week...
1. For having the time to get our story out of my head and online. You can find it here. I feel better already!
2. For Kevin's help with the technical aspects of publishing our story. Thanks Kevin, I appreciate your help!
3. That I have been able to rest and recover and that the cramps have been hardly noticeable at all! Now to try to get some stuff done today for next week...
Working on our story
I know I didn't post anything yesterday. I've been having a hard time emotionally with this miscarriage at unexpected moments, but that's not why I didn't write. We met with our counselor yesterday, and after, I decided to create a "memorial site". I think it will be a good idea to have our complete back story in one place where it can be easily found. I spent most of the day working on this.
I've only put down our birth stories so far, but this was the hardest and longest part. It took me several hours just to find the right website templates and get everything setup for publishing, but I'm surprised how quickly the words flowed out once I started writing. I've never been afraid like I know some women are about loosing the details of my story. I figured that if I haven't forgot by now then I probably won't forget (barring some ugly degenerative brain disease or trama), but it's nice to have all those details out on "paper". What also surprised me was I remembered easily the days of the week from each birth and death.
I'll be working on this more today. I feel the need to focus inward and embrace the sadness with some directed efforts. Sometimes time doesn't heal all wounds and you have to "grin" and bear it and go through it to get past it. The gratitude journal offers a nice distraction from the pain, but distraction isn't always the answer. I do enjoy the gratitude journal though and will resume this shortly. Stay tuned!
I've only put down our birth stories so far, but this was the hardest and longest part. It took me several hours just to find the right website templates and get everything setup for publishing, but I'm surprised how quickly the words flowed out once I started writing. I've never been afraid like I know some women are about loosing the details of my story. I figured that if I haven't forgot by now then I probably won't forget (barring some ugly degenerative brain disease or trama), but it's nice to have all those details out on "paper". What also surprised me was I remembered easily the days of the week from each birth and death.
I'll be working on this more today. I feel the need to focus inward and embrace the sadness with some directed efforts. Sometimes time doesn't heal all wounds and you have to "grin" and bear it and go through it to get past it. The gratitude journal offers a nice distraction from the pain, but distraction isn't always the answer. I do enjoy the gratitude journal though and will resume this shortly. Stay tuned!
Friday, January 22, 2010
Gratitude day 10
Today, I'm thankful
1. That I had some yummy Pho for lunch.
2. That the D&C procedure went well.
3. For my fantastic mother-in-law who went with me to the hospital and took me home. Thanks Kathy! Couldn't ask for a better mother-in-law!
4. For, again, everyone's words of concern and well wishes. It makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside to have such great friends and family that are so caring, giving, and supportive. Thanks everyone, you make this tolerable!
-- Post From My iPhone
1. That I had some yummy Pho for lunch.
2. That the D&C procedure went well.
3. For my fantastic mother-in-law who went with me to the hospital and took me home. Thanks Kathy! Couldn't ask for a better mother-in-law!
4. For, again, everyone's words of concern and well wishes. It makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside to have such great friends and family that are so caring, giving, and supportive. Thanks everyone, you make this tolerable!
-- Post From My iPhone
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Gratitude day 9
Today, I'm thankful
1. For lunch with my husband.
2. That I don't live in the 18th century or earlier or in an impoverished country. I have been reading a novel that takes place during this time, and it reminds me to be thankful that we have access to modern medicine and conveniences like indoor plumbing, hot water, and indoor air conditioning.
3. For the medical insurance that my husband's company provides. We have been fortunate to be covered under a plan that has taken care of all of our medical needs during this past year and for the procedure I'm having tomorrow.
I went into the doctor's office today to have my standard two week blood draw to check my hCG. The nurse asked me how I was doing, and I mentioned that I'm still having bleeding that's heavier than I would expect at this point. They did an ultrasound in the office and discovered that there is some tissue that has not passed yet from the miscarriage.
I was given the option to take a drug (can't remember the name) that would attempt to flush the tissue out with contractions and bleeding or to have a D&C. The pharmaceutical means is not guaranteed and would make it seem like I'm having the miscarriage all over again putting me out of commission for longer.
However, the recovery time for the D&C is usually 48 hours where I can resume normal activity and even exercise. I opted for the D&C so that I can get this over with and move on. I'm tired of being in "recovery" mode, and I need to get back to normal! Plus there's also a chance that they maybe able to recover the tissue and send it off for chromosome analysis to see if there were any chromosomal abnormalities that caused this miscarriage. But my doctor is checking with pathology to see how much is required since there isn't a lot in there - she isn't optimistic about this.
4. So I'm also thankful that this will all be over with very shortly.
1. For lunch with my husband.
2. That I don't live in the 18th century or earlier or in an impoverished country. I have been reading a novel that takes place during this time, and it reminds me to be thankful that we have access to modern medicine and conveniences like indoor plumbing, hot water, and indoor air conditioning.
3. For the medical insurance that my husband's company provides. We have been fortunate to be covered under a plan that has taken care of all of our medical needs during this past year and for the procedure I'm having tomorrow.
I went into the doctor's office today to have my standard two week blood draw to check my hCG. The nurse asked me how I was doing, and I mentioned that I'm still having bleeding that's heavier than I would expect at this point. They did an ultrasound in the office and discovered that there is some tissue that has not passed yet from the miscarriage.
I was given the option to take a drug (can't remember the name) that would attempt to flush the tissue out with contractions and bleeding or to have a D&C. The pharmaceutical means is not guaranteed and would make it seem like I'm having the miscarriage all over again putting me out of commission for longer.
However, the recovery time for the D&C is usually 48 hours where I can resume normal activity and even exercise. I opted for the D&C so that I can get this over with and move on. I'm tired of being in "recovery" mode, and I need to get back to normal! Plus there's also a chance that they maybe able to recover the tissue and send it off for chromosome analysis to see if there were any chromosomal abnormalities that caused this miscarriage. But my doctor is checking with pathology to see how much is required since there isn't a lot in there - she isn't optimistic about this.
4. So I'm also thankful that this will all be over with very shortly.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Pride lasts longer than pain
Being a home daycare provider, I subscribe to these cutesy little motivational emails giving encouragement, tips, and advice on various childcare topics. I usually don't read them anymore since I've fallen into my daycare "groove", but today I received one that must have compelled me because I read the whole thing, and it really hit home.
The back story about completing a marathon was irrelevant to me for making the point - pride lasts longer than pain. I know this message intimately.
Every time I've been through a loss or stressful event, I always think how much easier life would be without operating the daycare. And I always seriously consider shutting down. Kevin has said he will back me in whatever decision I make, but I always wait it out to make sure I'm not making any rash decisions. And I always come back to embracing it. Once the pain subsides, my pride in the work that I do and what I provide for my family and other families always wins out.
So today, I'm thankful
1. For the little personalities that I'm entrusted with on a daily basis. I'm grateful for the trust of their parents, and for the positive impact I am making in their lives and for the impact they've had on mine.
2. That I've come to realize the stress pattern, and can now catch the triggers and provide myself with the self care necessary to keep my balance with the stress and the services I offer.
3. For my reliable, compassionate, trustworthy aide Anna, and for our ability to afford to pay her! Is it kosher to repeat a gratitude item? Not sure, but I'm always thankful for this one! Without her quality care for the kids and her awesome work ethic, I would either loose my mind or have to shut down. Thanks again, Anna!
-- Post From My iPhone
The back story about completing a marathon was irrelevant to me for making the point - pride lasts longer than pain. I know this message intimately.
Every time I've been through a loss or stressful event, I always think how much easier life would be without operating the daycare. And I always seriously consider shutting down. Kevin has said he will back me in whatever decision I make, but I always wait it out to make sure I'm not making any rash decisions. And I always come back to embracing it. Once the pain subsides, my pride in the work that I do and what I provide for my family and other families always wins out.
So today, I'm thankful
1. For the little personalities that I'm entrusted with on a daily basis. I'm grateful for the trust of their parents, and for the positive impact I am making in their lives and for the impact they've had on mine.
2. That I've come to realize the stress pattern, and can now catch the triggers and provide myself with the self care necessary to keep my balance with the stress and the services I offer.
3. For my reliable, compassionate, trustworthy aide Anna, and for our ability to afford to pay her! Is it kosher to repeat a gratitude item? Not sure, but I'm always thankful for this one! Without her quality care for the kids and her awesome work ethic, I would either loose my mind or have to shut down. Thanks again, Anna!
-- Post From My iPhone
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Gratitude day 7
Today, I'm thankful
1. That today feels like Monday instead of Tuesday. Perhaps this week will go by quickly because of it!
2. That we have our second car back, and the transmission flushed fixed the problem, and we don't have to get the transmission replaced!
3. That I got my island cleaned off along with Savannah's room. Let's see how long it stays that way until we have to make a project out of it again...
-- Post From My iPhone
1. That today feels like Monday instead of Tuesday. Perhaps this week will go by quickly because of it!
2. That we have our second car back, and the transmission flushed fixed the problem, and we don't have to get the transmission replaced!
3. That I got my island cleaned off along with Savannah's room. Let's see how long it stays that way until we have to make a project out of it again...
-- Post From My iPhone
Monday, January 18, 2010
Gratitude day 6
Today, I'm thankful
1. That my grocery shopping is done (at least for the week).
2. That I was able to take a few hours away from the daycare home and go see a movie.
3. That I've realized that it's just as important to take care of my mental health as well as my physical health and to not feel guilty about it! (although I'm still working on the not feeling guilty part...)
-- Post From My iPhone
1. That my grocery shopping is done (at least for the week).
2. That I was able to take a few hours away from the daycare home and go see a movie.
3. That I've realized that it's just as important to take care of my mental health as well as my physical health and to not feel guilty about it! (although I'm still working on the not feeling guilty part...)
-- Post From My iPhone
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Gratitude day 5
Today, I'm thankful
1. That the biggest problem I have today is trying to plan when I'm going to go to the grocery store. (Do we see a pattern here?)
2. That people are concerned about our situation and are offering their words of comfort and condolences.
3. That my husband is finally learning to add "flourishes" to his abrupt words.
-- Post From My iPhone
1. That the biggest problem I have today is trying to plan when I'm going to go to the grocery store. (Do we see a pattern here?)
2. That people are concerned about our situation and are offering their words of comfort and condolences.
3. That my husband is finally learning to add "flourishes" to his abrupt words.
-- Post From My iPhone
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Gratitude day 4
Today, I am thankful
1. For Saturdays. Need I say more?
2. For the time spent making dinner together as a family.
3. For Sundays so I can put off going to the grocery store until tomorrow...
-- Post From My iPhone
1. For Saturdays. Need I say more?
2. For the time spent making dinner together as a family.
3. For Sundays so I can put off going to the grocery store until tomorrow...
-- Post From My iPhone
Friday, January 15, 2010
Gratitude day 3
Today, I am thankful
1. That we will be able to get our car fixed (despite the steep cost of repairs), and it should be ready by early next week. Yay freedom!
2. That I will be able to attend my brother's wedding in February in El Paso. I was not originally planning on going (which I deeply regretted) because I was hoping to be pregnant, and I made a strict no traveling rule while pregnant. I am sad about the circumstances that have allowed me to go, but I am thankful that I can. It is bittersweet. I am also extremely thankful for my parents' generosity for purchasing plane tickets for me and Savannah. I wouldn't be able to afford to go without that. Thanks mom and dad!
3. For having the time and freedom to be able to write about my thoughts and feelings. I have noticed that things don't seem so dark and depressing after I get them out of my head and "into the computer". It has proved to be healing in a cathartic way.
-- Post From My iPhone
1. That we will be able to get our car fixed (despite the steep cost of repairs), and it should be ready by early next week. Yay freedom!
2. That I will be able to attend my brother's wedding in February in El Paso. I was not originally planning on going (which I deeply regretted) because I was hoping to be pregnant, and I made a strict no traveling rule while pregnant. I am sad about the circumstances that have allowed me to go, but I am thankful that I can. It is bittersweet. I am also extremely thankful for my parents' generosity for purchasing plane tickets for me and Savannah. I wouldn't be able to afford to go without that. Thanks mom and dad!
3. For having the time and freedom to be able to write about my thoughts and feelings. I have noticed that things don't seem so dark and depressing after I get them out of my head and "into the computer". It has proved to be healing in a cathartic way.
-- Post From My iPhone
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Gratitude day 2
Today, I am thankful for
1. Having my reliable and accommodating aide, Anna, here to help me with the daycare while I recuperate.
2. Having a husband who has helped with dinners and laundry the last several weeks.
3. Having a great mother-in-law who has helped with rides and picking up Savannah from school while our second car is out of commission.
1. Having my reliable and accommodating aide, Anna, here to help me with the daycare while I recuperate.
2. Having a husband who has helped with dinners and laundry the last several weeks.
3. Having a great mother-in-law who has helped with rides and picking up Savannah from school while our second car is out of commission.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Sorrow and Gatitude
I have noticed an emotional pattern with the occurrence of this past loss. It has reminded me of all the emotions I had after loosing each baby, and I notice that I'm having the same emotions this time. The past miscarriage was not this painful, and I didn't expect this one to be either since I didn't loose a "tangible" baby. But I'm finding that it is more difficult to heal from this one because of all the emotions it has reminded me of.
Yes it gets easier with the passage of time. I know this already from experience. But do we ever really fully heal? I feel as if it is an old wound that is aching with the storm.
Because I am seeing the repeat of emotional patterns, it feels as if it is my more seasoned self is giving advice and guidance to my emotionally vulnerable self - both on the outside looking in and inside hurt as well.
Even though I prepared myself for this, the shock of the miscarriage has finally creeped it's way in despite how I've managed to keep myself busy. And true to emotional pattern form, I am noticing myself feeling sorry for myself. I just want to shut the world out and curl up in the dark and wallow in my own misery. The daily demands of life provide a distraction from the pain, I know, but I don't want to be distracted right now. I just want to feel it and take comfort in it.
I don't know if this is healthy or unhealthy behavior, but I don't like it about myself. So I have decided to write down at least 3 things that I'm thankful for each day to help sustain me through this time (that I know will eventually pass).
1. The first and most important thing I have to be thankful for is my healthy daughter. Her presence makes the pain of the losses easier to bear. I don't have to struggle with the question, "am I a mother?" as so many women must who loose their first baby. I have her here to distract from my sorrow and channel my mothering needs.
2. I am thankful for the blissfully ignorant first uncomplicated pregnancy. Like so many other women, my future pregnancies will forever be tarnished by the anxiety of the past losses, but I will always have that to remember and look back on with fond memories.
3. I am thankful for my health and that I can still be there for my daughter and husband. Pregnancy can be risky business, and I am thankful for the advances in medical technology that has kept me safe and healthy.
4. I am thankful for the lessons I have learned with my experiences. I have learned to be more assertive if something doesn't sit right with me. But along those lines, I am sorry it took these experiences to teach me that. I often wonder if any of it could have been prevented if I was more persistent, but I have vowed to let that not be the case going forward.
Update:
After reading this, I wonder if I'm not letting myself feel the pain. Am I distracting myself too much to allow the pain to settle in and do its job? Have I not healed from the past losses because I haven't allowed myself to be sad? Is that why this is repeating itself? Should I take time to be in a safe place to allow myself the time grieve?
I don't know the answers to those questions right now...
-- Post From My iPhone
Yes it gets easier with the passage of time. I know this already from experience. But do we ever really fully heal? I feel as if it is an old wound that is aching with the storm.
Because I am seeing the repeat of emotional patterns, it feels as if it is my more seasoned self is giving advice and guidance to my emotionally vulnerable self - both on the outside looking in and inside hurt as well.
Even though I prepared myself for this, the shock of the miscarriage has finally creeped it's way in despite how I've managed to keep myself busy. And true to emotional pattern form, I am noticing myself feeling sorry for myself. I just want to shut the world out and curl up in the dark and wallow in my own misery. The daily demands of life provide a distraction from the pain, I know, but I don't want to be distracted right now. I just want to feel it and take comfort in it.
I don't know if this is healthy or unhealthy behavior, but I don't like it about myself. So I have decided to write down at least 3 things that I'm thankful for each day to help sustain me through this time (that I know will eventually pass).
1. The first and most important thing I have to be thankful for is my healthy daughter. Her presence makes the pain of the losses easier to bear. I don't have to struggle with the question, "am I a mother?" as so many women must who loose their first baby. I have her here to distract from my sorrow and channel my mothering needs.
2. I am thankful for the blissfully ignorant first uncomplicated pregnancy. Like so many other women, my future pregnancies will forever be tarnished by the anxiety of the past losses, but I will always have that to remember and look back on with fond memories.
3. I am thankful for my health and that I can still be there for my daughter and husband. Pregnancy can be risky business, and I am thankful for the advances in medical technology that has kept me safe and healthy.
4. I am thankful for the lessons I have learned with my experiences. I have learned to be more assertive if something doesn't sit right with me. But along those lines, I am sorry it took these experiences to teach me that. I often wonder if any of it could have been prevented if I was more persistent, but I have vowed to let that not be the case going forward.
Update:
After reading this, I wonder if I'm not letting myself feel the pain. Am I distracting myself too much to allow the pain to settle in and do its job? Have I not healed from the past losses because I haven't allowed myself to be sad? Is that why this is repeating itself? Should I take time to be in a safe place to allow myself the time grieve?
I don't know the answers to those questions right now...
-- Post From My iPhone
Friday, January 8, 2010
Chocolate anyone?
Yesterday, I spoke with my OB. She and my perinatologist have decided to revise the game plan next time I get pregnant. They can't be certain that this was just another fluke thing that happened.
The pathology came back on the tissue I passed indicating "product of conception". That seemed a sufficiently vague term to me and after about an hour of googling still seems just as vague. I asked the doctor if that means there was an embryo. She didn't exactly say yes because it's hard to determine after some time has passed. From what I've been able to determine, it just means that, yes, indeed this is the product of your pregnancy...like I didn't know that already. If anybody can shed any additional light on the subject, I am welcome to the information!
Anyway, they are unable to determine if there was an chromosome abnormalities because inorder to do the analysis, they have to obtain the sample from a D&C otherwise it contains contaminates. So we really don't know if my clotting factor or a chromosomal abnormality caused the miscarried.
My doctor prefaced her advice by saying that with my condition there isn't really a standard of care they can provide that is known to work for a certain population. At this point in time, it's kinda guess work. My clotting mutation is heterozygous and typically shouldn't cause women problems in pregnancy or life in general so they usually do not have to resort to these methods, so they are treating me based on my history.
So going forward, they will start me on Lovenox (or heparin) and progesterone at the time of a positive pregnancy test rather than waiting to determine if the pregnancy is viable. The progesterone is a new thing. My doctor said there is controversy as to its effectiveness, but it won't hurt anything to take it. I didn't think to ask at the time, but I'm assuming they're suggesting it based on my low progesterone levels with the first miscarriage.
The main reason they've waiting to start the blood thinners (Lovenox) until they have confirmed a viable pregnancy is to prevent the risk of hemorrhaging or bleeding out too much if I do still miscarry. I addressed this concern with my doctor and she said that they will not completely anti-coagulate me, so the risk is reduced. If I do start spotting, they will do ultrasounds to see what's going on in there and stop the Lovenox immediately if I do miscarry.
My hCG levels are still really high. They were 60,000 on Monday and went down to 12,000 on Wednesday. My doctor said that I won't even ovulate until they go down to zero. They will take my blood every two weeks until it goes down to zero. This is to ensure that you don't have an ectopic pregnancy. A friend of mine suggested that maybe I had a blighted ovum which is a fertilized egg that doesn't develop an embryo. But after some research, I read that the hCG levels will typically drop off before you miscarry. And with those high numbers, I'm in concurrence with my doctors that this was probably caused by the clotting factor.
So now, we'll wait one cycle and start all over again. Now to find some chocolate to drown my sorrows in, and I'm not above taking free chocolate handouts *hint, hint* ;) - especially since I've immobilized with only one working car right now, grrrrr.
The pathology came back on the tissue I passed indicating "product of conception". That seemed a sufficiently vague term to me and after about an hour of googling still seems just as vague. I asked the doctor if that means there was an embryo. She didn't exactly say yes because it's hard to determine after some time has passed. From what I've been able to determine, it just means that, yes, indeed this is the product of your pregnancy...like I didn't know that already. If anybody can shed any additional light on the subject, I am welcome to the information!
Anyway, they are unable to determine if there was an chromosome abnormalities because inorder to do the analysis, they have to obtain the sample from a D&C otherwise it contains contaminates. So we really don't know if my clotting factor or a chromosomal abnormality caused the miscarried.
My doctor prefaced her advice by saying that with my condition there isn't really a standard of care they can provide that is known to work for a certain population. At this point in time, it's kinda guess work. My clotting mutation is heterozygous and typically shouldn't cause women problems in pregnancy or life in general so they usually do not have to resort to these methods, so they are treating me based on my history.
So going forward, they will start me on Lovenox (or heparin) and progesterone at the time of a positive pregnancy test rather than waiting to determine if the pregnancy is viable. The progesterone is a new thing. My doctor said there is controversy as to its effectiveness, but it won't hurt anything to take it. I didn't think to ask at the time, but I'm assuming they're suggesting it based on my low progesterone levels with the first miscarriage.
The main reason they've waiting to start the blood thinners (Lovenox) until they have confirmed a viable pregnancy is to prevent the risk of hemorrhaging or bleeding out too much if I do still miscarry. I addressed this concern with my doctor and she said that they will not completely anti-coagulate me, so the risk is reduced. If I do start spotting, they will do ultrasounds to see what's going on in there and stop the Lovenox immediately if I do miscarry.
My hCG levels are still really high. They were 60,000 on Monday and went down to 12,000 on Wednesday. My doctor said that I won't even ovulate until they go down to zero. They will take my blood every two weeks until it goes down to zero. This is to ensure that you don't have an ectopic pregnancy. A friend of mine suggested that maybe I had a blighted ovum which is a fertilized egg that doesn't develop an embryo. But after some research, I read that the hCG levels will typically drop off before you miscarry. And with those high numbers, I'm in concurrence with my doctors that this was probably caused by the clotting factor.
So now, we'll wait one cycle and start all over again. Now to find some chocolate to drown my sorrows in, and I'm not above taking free chocolate handouts *hint, hint* ;) - especially since I've immobilized with only one working car right now, grrrrr.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Recipe for loss of faith
Disclaimer: I do not mean to offend anyone with my opinions so please do not take offense. I write from my own experiences and with the intent to share and explain my thoughts and feelings.
*******************************************************
I don't know what it is about loosing a baby for the first time. It seems to anchor your religous/spiritual/dogmatic faith. You believe that there was an ultimate plan for the event that you just aren't privy to understand. Trust me, I know, I've been there. You evolve spiritually to the place you think you need to be and learn whatever lessons you think God is trying to teach you.
Then comes your next attempt and you steel yourself for the long haul and believe with all your heart, body, and soul (note I didn't say mind) that it won't happen again because you are now spiritually diligent and have faith that your all-loving god knows you need this rainbow baby to complete your healing.
But then for some, like me, tradgedy happens again and then you know it was all bullshit. You cling at first to all the old spiritual motions you are familiar with (praying, believing, searching, seeking, etc) without really feeling their comfort anymore.
So when I miscarried again yesterday, it felt like the same old drill all over again. I was 7 weeks. It started suddenly and unexpectedly Sunday evening and was practically complete by Monday morning. During this miscarriage in the angst of pain (cramping, nausea, grief, etc), I found myself wanting to cry out for something magical to fix it all. But then I remembered that we only have each other. I can certainly understand others' needs to seek comfort in those religious beliefs, and it provides that comfort for so many people, but I am at the point where I know that I can only find that comfort with my physical companions rather than an imagined being.
Medically, we think this was just another fluke thing that happened. Since we hadn't had a chance yet to do the first ultrasound, we don't know for sure really if there was a heartbeat and if this was caused by the clotting factor. Although I do have the feeling that we probably wouldn't have seen a heartbeat.
I asked the dr at my appointment yesterday when is the first ultrasound done, and she said 6 weeks which is different than what the nurse said of 8 weeks. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get in my initial 6 week OB visit at 6 weeks because the office schedule was jam packed with appointments because of the shortened holiday weeks.
Because of this experience, I've decided that I'm tired of being pushed around and made to accommodate their schedules. No more misses nice girl. My history demands compassion and accommodation and I'm not going to take no for an answer anymore. I will say that based on my experience yesterday, I am thankful I found this OB. She was very compassionate and accommodating fitting in my ad hoc appt spur of the moment and even going so far as making an exception and doing an ultrasound herself without me having to ask her.
Most of the patients in these practices have not gone through the events we have, and I'm not going to care anymore if I offend an office worker (no matter how nice they are) because I'm the one who has to live with the emotional reprocussions. Of course I'm not going to be belligerent about it. I'll do it in a nice way, but I will be persistent and ask to speak to the dr directly about my concerns.
Anyway, I am so thankful for everyone's concern and words and deeds of comfort and compassion. It doesn't fix the problem, but it does make it easier to heal.
-- Post From My iPhone
*******************************************************
I don't know what it is about loosing a baby for the first time. It seems to anchor your religous/spiritual/dogmatic faith. You believe that there was an ultimate plan for the event that you just aren't privy to understand. Trust me, I know, I've been there. You evolve spiritually to the place you think you need to be and learn whatever lessons you think God is trying to teach you.
Then comes your next attempt and you steel yourself for the long haul and believe with all your heart, body, and soul (note I didn't say mind) that it won't happen again because you are now spiritually diligent and have faith that your all-loving god knows you need this rainbow baby to complete your healing.
But then for some, like me, tradgedy happens again and then you know it was all bullshit. You cling at first to all the old spiritual motions you are familiar with (praying, believing, searching, seeking, etc) without really feeling their comfort anymore.
So when I miscarried again yesterday, it felt like the same old drill all over again. I was 7 weeks. It started suddenly and unexpectedly Sunday evening and was practically complete by Monday morning. During this miscarriage in the angst of pain (cramping, nausea, grief, etc), I found myself wanting to cry out for something magical to fix it all. But then I remembered that we only have each other. I can certainly understand others' needs to seek comfort in those religious beliefs, and it provides that comfort for so many people, but I am at the point where I know that I can only find that comfort with my physical companions rather than an imagined being.
Medically, we think this was just another fluke thing that happened. Since we hadn't had a chance yet to do the first ultrasound, we don't know for sure really if there was a heartbeat and if this was caused by the clotting factor. Although I do have the feeling that we probably wouldn't have seen a heartbeat.
I asked the dr at my appointment yesterday when is the first ultrasound done, and she said 6 weeks which is different than what the nurse said of 8 weeks. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get in my initial 6 week OB visit at 6 weeks because the office schedule was jam packed with appointments because of the shortened holiday weeks.
Because of this experience, I've decided that I'm tired of being pushed around and made to accommodate their schedules. No more misses nice girl. My history demands compassion and accommodation and I'm not going to take no for an answer anymore. I will say that based on my experience yesterday, I am thankful I found this OB. She was very compassionate and accommodating fitting in my ad hoc appt spur of the moment and even going so far as making an exception and doing an ultrasound herself without me having to ask her.
Most of the patients in these practices have not gone through the events we have, and I'm not going to care anymore if I offend an office worker (no matter how nice they are) because I'm the one who has to live with the emotional reprocussions. Of course I'm not going to be belligerent about it. I'll do it in a nice way, but I will be persistent and ask to speak to the dr directly about my concerns.
Anyway, I am so thankful for everyone's concern and words and deeds of comfort and compassion. It doesn't fix the problem, but it does make it easier to heal.
-- Post From My iPhone
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