Blah!

I went back to the doctor's office today. They of course confirmed the pregnancy yesterday, but said that it was very early. I only measured 11mIU/ml hCG. I think your body will usually have less than 5mIU/ml hCG normally. They had me come in again today and took some more blood. They will measure how much hCG my body is producing as of today. They want to see it increase and optimally double from Wednesday. They use this along with progesterone numbers to measure how viable the pregnancy is. We won't have the results until Monday.

Dr. O did not start me on the blood thinners yet. She said it's too early to tell if the pregnancy is viable. If I were to start the blood thinners and then have a miscarriage, I could loose a lot of blood. As long as everything progresses normally, I am to go back in two weeks (which will be 6 weeks gestation) and have a ultrasound. As long as everything looks good, they will start me on the blood thinners at that time.

I never anticipated being on an emotional roller coaster this early in the pregnancy. I was elated when I discovered that I am pregnant and then anxious the next day worrying if this will turn into the full-blown thing. I've never had an early miscarriage, but I've heard that most women will have one at some point. I would think the fact that we've already had 2 late miscarriages would somehow magically counter the statistics, but it just doesn't work that way...

And every time that nurse takes my blood it HURTS! I'm used to getting my blood drawn, and she may be nice, but she doesn't do a very good job! Blah!

TTC tips and tricks

We received confirmation from the doctor today that I am indeed pregnant! Even though we have had issues towards the middle or end of our pregnancies, ironically or coincidentally (whichever way you want to look at it) we have always been able to get pregnant very easily. This may have to do with body chemistry and genetics, but I like to think that some of the stuff we've done might be helpful for others as well.

However, I'd first like to say that my intention is not to minimalize very real issues that some people face when trying to conceive. My intention is to share things that have worked for us in the hopes that it may work for others to conceive more quickly. This is not a comprehensive list by any stretch of the imagination, and I encourage you to do your own research as well. This of course is not intended to replace any advice from a qualified physician.

And Dad, I know you read my blog, so you can stop right here. I would be so embarrassed if I knew you read this!



Tips for Him

• Have your mate where boxers - This allows for higher sperm production because it lowers the temperature in that region. The little guys thrive at a lower temperature so if your guy likes tightie whities, he may inadvertently be decreasing the amount of live sperm available. More is better to help increase the odds of one of them making it to the "finish line" (or the egg in other words).
  

Tips for Her

• Evening Prim Rose capsules help to increase the quality and quantity of cervical mucus. The cervical mucus helps the little guys make it to the egg. The better the track the quicker they can get there. You should take 2-3 capsules a day from about the time that your period ends to when you ovulate. I took 3/day from the point that my period started to help me get in the habit before the crucial time frame. You should be able to find it at most drug stores.
  
• A word on measuring ovulation. I've found it best to forget about that basal body temperature and checking cervical mucus stuff. Those are additional ways you can check ovulation, but the easiest I found was to just pick up a bunch of ovulation sticks and follow the directions in the box. I wouldn't mess with those dip sticks though. Just get the sticks you can pee on. I always just used the cheap Kroger brand sticks, and I found they worked the best. Once it shows that you've had an LH surge, you will usually ovulate in the next 12-36 hours. You must "do the deed" around this time, or you will miss your opportunity to fertilize the egg.
  
• Mucinex can help loosen the cervical mucus allowing for better access to the egg for the little spermies. I took 600mg twice a day from the start of my period until ovulation.
  
• There are lubricants out there that can apparently hinder your attempts at conception. Make sure that if you use one, it is compatible. We used one called "Pre-Seed".
  
• Last but not least, make sure you give the "juice" enough time to do it's magic. You may not need this visual, but I rested in bed with my nether region elevated on a pillow. I would wait about 5-10 minutes. Don't wait too long; you don't want to run the risk of a urinary tract infection!

That was it for us. Sprinkle in some baby dust and the facade of patience and hopefully you too will be pregnant quickly!

Pregnant!

My husband jokes that if we had a buck fifty for everytime I said, "I think I'm pregnant," we'd have a couple thousand available to us. BUT I don't have to think anymore! I can finally see the second line on the test without having to strain, so I KNOW I'm pregnant now!

I'm going into the doctor this morning to have a blood test done before I get put on the blood thinners, but at this point it's just a technicality. The other good news is that my insurance will cover the lovenox (1x day injection) so I don't have to settle for the heparin (2x day injection). I don't consider myself a squimish person, but given the option I'd rather just stick myself once rather than twice a day!

Oh and BTW, this should put my due date around the beginning of April, but they will probably take the baby around the end of March.

One thing to remember is to not wish us congratulations yet - it's not said and done until we have a healthy baby in our arms. Just wish us good luck!


-- Post From My iPhone

A ray of sunshine after the storm

These past two weeks have been really rough on me. I haven't felt this down in the dumps for a long time - not since I was treated for clinical depression back in 2002. You may think that's odd considering I've had to go through two tragic events since then, but the feelings I had the past two weeks were different. I felt hopeless, helpless, and angry. When we lost our babies, I had and still have hope that we will be able to have more children. It was and is very painful to have lost our babies, but the hope helps to sustain me through the dark times.

I haven't blogged about what's been going on specifically the last two weeks because it was too raw and fresh for me to be able to do so. But I am finally seeing the light at the end of the very dark tunnel.

My husband and I got into an argument two weeks ago. Without going into too much detail, it was one of those age-old arguments about him helping out more to help relieve my stress. What initiated all of this was the fact that I was ovulating that day and feeling particularly scared about my current stress level along with bringing another baby into the picture without any sense of security that I would be able to handle it. I prodded my husband (not in the best way) for the answers I wanted - his willingness to help out more. I didn't get the answers I needed, and we ended up missing our opportunity at the ovulation period. I told him I didn't want to invest the emotional or physical time in another high risk pregnancy if my stress level is not going to be relieved. I wasn't trying to use this as a threat - just a simple statement of fact.

I knew I would have lots of fears once I was pregnant, but I never thought I would be one who was actually afraid of getting pregnant, and that is exactly what happened to me.

I found myself particularly down because this had changed how I viewed our marriage. I definitely want more children, but I was and am unwilling to do so at the expense of my own self. I looked to my husband for the answers I was seeking and did not find them. It made me question our marriage and our life together especially if I was going to have more kids with this man. And I couldn't see a way through this problem.

Then I went to the counselor last week and we talked about this argument and my fear of getting pregnant. The loss of our babies has created all this new baggage that I'm carrying around that is getting in the way of us getting pregnant now (at least that's how I view it), but we also have an underlying issue that has been there since the start.

You can read some of my thoughts on our past session on my previous blog post. She also recommended a book, The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. I started reading it yesterday, and have taken great comfort and have a new sense of hope about our situation.

When we have had problems in our marriage, I have had the view that I can only control myself. When we had differing opinions on a matter, I would go along with what Kevin wanted to do and stuff the angry feelings down and keep trudging along at the same old ragged stressful pace. I would go along for the sake of the marriage and for peace in our household at the expense of myself. You can't keep that anger bottled up indefinitely; it will inevitable come spilling out in one form or another without productive results (as most assuredly happened with me). Besides that, I would still secretly wish and hope that Kevin would "see the light" and come around to my way of thinking.

What this book has showed me is that I have been sacrificing my identity to insulate any discomfort to Kevin and ultimately for the sake of our marriage. While I was correct in my view that you can only control yourself, I was going about it the wrong way. I should have been protecting my sense of self and refused to compromise on issues important to me. I should have put more faith in my marriage and in Kevin, and allowed it to be tested regardless if it caused discomfort to Kevin. The anger I have on particular issues is there for a reason. It alerts you that something is not in balance, but I should have directed it towards a different solution rather than trying to change Kevin's point of view.

I am pleased to report that I have already had success in this new method. Kevin offered the solution of hiring an aid for my daycare business to allow me time for other things, but he has said this is depended on our budget. I have decided that we will implement this plan of action because I need it for myself. We will have to make it work in our budget. In addition to this, I have also decided to hire a babysitter on my yoga nights while Kevin is at his football practice to make sure Savannah gets to bed at a decent hour for the upcoming school year. Funny thing is, my fear and anger didn't even let me process the fact that Kevin won't even be home to help out on Tuesday and Thursday nights. The issue of getting Savannah to bed at a particular hour was not very important to Kevin, but I've realized that I must make my own solutions for the issues that are important to me regardless of the discomfort I think it will cause Kevin. I calmly told Kevin how I am going to address this issue, and to my surprise he thought that was a good idea! I even have a babysitter lined up for next week already!

After coming out on the other side, I finally understand what the counselor was talking about that "growth is uncomfortable". I was not very comfortable these last couple weeks, but it was part of the process necessary for change. And I do deserve to be less stressed, I just need to find acceptable ways to fix the problems and let Kevin worry about his discomfort that may result from that. After all this, I feel fortunate to know that Kevin is still very much committed to our family, marriage, and me and is open to ideas to help make my life easier.

I should feel like I deserve...

I met with a counselor last night, and I feel very melancholy today. I'm having myself a little pity party. I usually resist the urge to shower myself with one of these, but today I haven't had the motivation to resist. I apologize in advance for my scattered mumblings below.

I've been told that I should change the way I'm thinking from "I should do..." to "I deserve..." This is starting to become a reoccurring theme. My mother told me something similar last week.

This way of thinking is completely alien to me. I think I know the things that I deserve, but that doesn't mean I will get them. Why concentrate on what I deserve when it could be a fruitless effort? Why set myself up for unrealistic expectations and disappointment? I see it working like "fairness" in a way. As children we can remember telling our parents, "that's not fair", and you would hear the retort, "well life isn't fair". I never understood that concept until I was an adult. Life isn't fair, but you have to make the most out of what you have and the obstacles in your way. Just like fairness, deserving and reality are two very different things.

Maybe that's why it's hard for me to make the transition from "I should do..." to "I deserve..."

There are lots of things in life that I deserve, but are completely out of my control for obtaining. For example, I deserved to have my healthy living babies with me, but we saw what happened there... I also feel I must live with some of the choices I've made - that it's too late to turn back, and I may never get what I deserve (yes that is sufficiently vague for a reason).

Besides, who decides who deserves what? Do we all as human beings deserve the same things? Is there a sliding scale based on how good a person you are? Is there a grocery list of items that we all deserve? If so, where is this list, and how come I don't know about it?

My experiences have reinforced that the only things you have in life are the ones you "work" for. If you're not doing something to work towards that goal (as you should be doing), how can you get what you deserve? You make your own happiness in life, it's not going to just be handed to you on a silver platter just because you deserve it.

I find myself being resentful of people who seem to get the things they "deserve" without any effort. It seems so unfair to me (yes, I know life isn't fair), that they can get what they deserve without working for it as hard as I do. And yet, it seems no matter how hard I work, I can't get the things I deserve.

The counselor also informed me that growth is uncomfortable. I didn't realize until half-way through the session that I'm supposed to be growing here. I just hope it doesn't turn into the same disappointments I've faced in the past.

I feel guilty indulging myself in such self pity. I have lots to be thankful for in my life - a healthy child, a committed spouse, a nice house, a steady income. There are lots of people far less better off. Shouldn't I just be thankful for the good things I have in life instead of thinking about what I deserve (yes, I know this goes against the way I should be thinking - argg! there I go again!)

I realize I should (there's that word again) make an effort try out this new way of thought. Let's practice even if it doesn't feel genuine... I deserve to feel that I deserve to live with less stress and more happiness. Now, that wasn't so bad. Next step it to start working on making it feel real...

Due Date

Well, today is Garrett's should-have-been/would-have-been due date. The events leading up to this outcome are ones I didn't expected but certainly feared.

In an alternate reality, I probably would be home with Garrett already. The doctors would have suggested that I be induced early, and I would have consented being fearful of a repeat unexplained stillbirth. I would have balled my eyes out with relief upon seeing our healthy, living baby boy. I should be exhausted, bleeding, resting, and recovering from the birth right now.

But instead we had an unexplained abruption far too early for his little brain to handle at 23 weeks. Instead of bringing home a baby this weekend, I brought home his matted and framed hospital death certificate. I'm still exhausted, not able to rest like I should, fully recovered (at least physically), and don't have any visible remnants of the pregnancy remaining. In fact, I'm in better shape than I was prior to any of my pregnancies (thanks to the daycare and yoga - which has been very healing BTW).

Moving forward, I tell myself that I can finally stop thinking, "It shouldn't be this way. I should still be pregnant!" But instead my thoughts move towards, "It shouldn't be this way! We should have 3 healthy children at home."

Will I ever be able to let go of that idea? Is that what grieving is about - accepting what cannot be? I don't feel I will ever be able to accept that I lost my babies, but I have and am still learning to live with the sorrow that comes from that loss. Will I be an old woman and still feel the ache in my heart? It saddens me to know that will probably be the case.

butterfly emerges and retreat ideas

I went outside this morning to check on the last remaining cocoon, and to my delight, the butterfly had emerged and was waiting for his wings to dry!



As you can tell by the picture, the caterpillars have indeed striped my vine bare. They even began eating the sheathing around the stems. Most of the caterpillars have died because there is no food source left, so maybe it's a self correcting problem. I have been trying to be as "hands off" as possible so as to let nature take its intended course. We will see if the vine grows back after the abuse it took.

I also spoke with my yoga instructor today seeking advice on the retreat. She has put these things on in the past, and she suggested that we have a theme around the different activities offered. I'm thinking that our theme should be "toolbox for healing". Although "toolbox" sounds too masculine to me, maybe "ingredients for healing" or "recipes for healing". We'll have to work on that one, but she suggested that we focus our efforts around having activities and resources that people can take with them to continue the healing process after they go home.

I thought that was a great idea because everyone grieves differently and needs different ways to cope. I would like to give people different tools to choose from to help facilitate the process, hence the "toolbox for healing". I also think sharing your story and describing your emotions can be very healing for most women, so I also want to give plenty of time for women to just share the details and feelings of their experiences.

She also had a thought that crossed my mind as well - maybe we can get some of the area hospitals to help sponsor the event helping to reduce the cost. I'm definitely getting more excited about the retreat, and have plenty food for thought for now!

What are your thoughts out there in blog-land?

Retreat?

Last week I ran across this post about an infant loss retreat on this blog I'm following. (BTW, check it out when you get a chance. She's a great writer with a dark sense of humor. She says all the stuff I'd love to say but am afraid to or not witty enough to think of.)

After reading the details, I was so excited and so very much wanted to go. I was even willing to purchase a plane ticket to Seattle on top of the $200-$300 for the retreat until I realized that I could possibly be pregnant at that time in October. My heart sank a little bit because I'm not willing to travel during my next pregnancies, and I've realized recently that I'm needing to be around people who truly understand the emotions I'm going through. I don't know if this is the next stage in my grieving or me slipping into some sort of mental illness, but I need to be around people who will allow me to talk as much as I want to about my experiences and my babies. The urge to talk about it in or out of context is so strong that I can't and don't want to control it sometimes (although there never really seems a time that the topic is out of context to me because everything seems to be a reminder recently). I've restrained myself as much as I can, but I'm not always successful or motivated to do so. I need to be able to talk as much as I need to without feeling guilty that I'm boring somebody or rubbing it in their face or ruining their good time. I need to talk to people who completely understand and want to hear my story even if I repeat the same details over and over like some pitiful, pathetic, mad woman.

Now, I should feel fortunate because since my losses I've randomly met two women who have been through similar situations. We've talked about our experiences, and I think we've bonded in a way that only women who have been through this can. It is refreshing to hear someone else's story and realize that they had and have the same emotions that you're having. You feel vindicated that you're not going crazy. When you start having thoughts and feelings that they described to you that you didn't fully understand at the time, you know that you are not alone in your grief when you start having those same thoughts. While this has been healing in a way, life does continue to go on, and you can't just go grab a cup of coffee and talk to your hearts content at the drop of a hat. I can see how having a weekend to get all these thoughts and feelings out might help one to feel more sane when you're around others who haven't been through the same experiences.

The work of grieving can be so isolating as well. However as women (like this one at mamapedia.com) we feel the need to share our experiences and talk with others who have been through the same thing. An event that lets you be with other women who have been through exactly what you have been through can be very healing.

Well, I had the bright idea this past weekend of putting on a retreat closer to home. I feel a little intimidated by the idea of organizing something like this, but how hard can it be, right? (I hope I'm not in over my head here...) When I first ran across the post about the retreat, I forwarded it to my friend Kimber who was very interested in it as well, but her daughter's birthday is that same weekend. I spoke with her on Monday asking if she'd like to help me organize it, and she said she had the same idea. I have some contacts with retreat organizing experience and services and even have a location in mind we might be able to use. I see this as a real possibility, and it makes me excited to be a part of something like this! My main concern is how do we get the word out and drum up the attendance we need to hold our little retreat? So this is the first place I'm starting. If you are reading this from "Blog Land" and would be interested in said retreat near the DFW or Southern Oklahoma area post a comment or shoot me an email at tigerlily.marie@gmail.com. Thanks and I hope to hear from you!

Cars and Butterflies

I am very happy to report that we have a second car again! Yay! Thank you to everyone who has given and offered rides in the past and would have done so in the future. I'm very relieved that we don't have to depend on other people for rides anymore and that I have more freedom again! This will also greatly simplify and relieve stress on days when I have doctor appointments.

I also went out and checked my butterflies yesterday and noticed that some of the butterflies have emerged from their cocoons. I even noticed a visiting butterfly this morning. I estimate that it took about a week for them to morph. I'm disappointed I missed it, but there is currently one cocoon left and lots more caterpillars still on the vine. I just hope they don't strip my vine bare!

Now onto the next item of business - getting pregnant!

Preconception visit

We went for our very first preconception visit today. Funny thing is that even though I have been pregnant 3 times before, I never attended a preconception appointment. Coincidentally, we were always able to get pregnant before scheduling the appointment. So this time, I thought I'd do it the way it was supposed to be done (visualize me rolling my eyes in a sarcastic gesture).

It was relatively uneventful. Dr. O (O for Obstetrician) did recommend I start taking a low dose aspirin from here on out for the MTHFR thrombophilia even while pregnant. So we stopped at a drug store on the way home and picked up a bottle.

But before our return trip home, we all made a stop at the Magic Time Machine for dinner since we were in the general vicinity. Savannah has been asking to go there for the past couple weeks, so we decided to surprise her with a visit. Nana and Papa joined us since they were gracious enough to give me a ride to the appointment (we only have one car currently, hopefully to be remedied shortly).

I thought it would be funny to share the following dialog that took place while Nana and Papa were entertaining Savannah during our appointment.

"Nana, I'm hungry. Can I have some more cookies?"
"No, sweetheart, we need to wait because we're going to get dinner soon right after mommy and daddy are done."
"Nana, where are we going?"
"That's a secret."
"You can tell me! I won't tell anyone!"

Here is a funny picture they took of all of us while we were eating. Those of you that know us IRL will appreciate it more fully. I know it's a simple photoshop job to swap faces, but it still gives me a chuckle to look at it. (Yes, I am easily entertained with simple pleasures... hehe)

Distractions

My parents were kind enough to fly in from out of town at my request over the holiday weekend. It was a last minute request, and I am so thankful to them for spending the money and making the time to do so. I hated having to ask, but I felt I needed their presence to help sustain me during this time as my would-be due date approaches.

And true to form, my mother and I kept ourselves distracted and busy with various projects and tasks.

First item on the agenda included checking on our caterpillars! We went out on Friday and discovered our first cocoon. This picture is from Saturday when we found about 3 more.



Next we payed a visit to the local Hobby Lobby, and I enlisted my mom's help with deciding on framing choices for Garrett's hospital certificate and memorial card. We framed Sierra's along with some feet impressions after her passing, and even though it looks like I'm starting a collection of deceased baby memorabilia, I feel he deserves the same. Hopefully, this will be the last piece in this very sad collection.

The last order of business included replacing some dead plants in our little memorial garden, and here are the fruits of our labors.





After this very busy weekend I still feel heavy with sorrow. Even though distractions can be helpful with getting through one day to the next, it can make it difficult to actually deal with the emotions you're experiencing. After this weekend was all said and done, the oppressive sadness and stress are still there.

I've decided to seek out a support group or counselor to help me process the emotions I'm going through right now. My husband mentioned last night that he is looking into purchasing a cheap second car for us, and that will help relieve a lot of the logistical problems with making the meetings or appointments. I hope we can make it work because I think that will relieve a lot of my stress! I hate having to ask other people for help and assistance. I feel I'm taking advantage if I don't have something to offer in return. It would certainly make it a lot easier to make doctor appointments once I get pregnant again!

Mama Butterfly

I went outside this evening to check on my caterpillars, and the mama butterfly decided to stop by for a visit! After a few minutes of watching her, I realized I should grab my camera. So I ran inside hoping she wasn't done visiting and was able to get some pictures. Now I must warn you that I am by no means a professional, and I did figure out how to take that annoying date stamp off!

I also read online that she lays one egg at a time. Here is a picture of some of her eggs. They are the yellow dots you see on the leaf.

Definitely a case of raging PMS

I got the call back from my doctor's office, and the pregnancy test came back negative. I think Aunt Flow has also finally decided to pay me a visit. We will see if she decides to stay for the next couple days.

I have definitely been more emotional, but maybe my hormones are still trying to adjust after the end of the pregnancy.

I'm not really happy or sad after knowing the truth - just relieved to know! It looks like it was just a case of raging PMS. Shwooo, glad that's over for now!

-- Post From My iPhone

A fun discovery in the midst of waiting

I went to the doctor today to have some blood drawn so they could determine if I'm pregnant or not. Aunt Flow has decided to delay her arrival further. The urine test at the doctor's office came back negative, and we will get the results from the blood test tomorrow morning.

I have been nervous about what the results could mean. If I am pregnant, is everything okay with the pregnancy? Why isn't a urine pregnancy test coming back positive? If I'm not pregnant, where the heck is my period? Am I broken? I can't get pregnant again without my cycles working properly!

The wait has been excruciating, and I have been trying to keep myself busy to make the time go by quicker and to ease the anxiety. In the midst of the anxiety, I discovered something fun this evening that has helped to provide some distraction.

Last week I went out to check our little memorial garden we planted in honor of Sierra and Garrett, and I noticed these strange little bugs on the passion vine. They were orange-ish in color and had black hairy spines all over their bodies. They looked very menacing, and I was instantly alarmed. It took me a moment to realize that they were probably caterpillars!

I was a little concerned that they might be a type of pest, so I went out again tonight to see how my vine was fairing and some of the caterpillars had doubled in size, I counted about 20 of them, and they were actively eating MY leaves! I decided to put modern technology to the test and Googled "caterpillars of North Texas". I was easily able to determine that these are Gulf Fritillary caterpillars and live only on the passion vine plant. Apparently, no other bugs can really eat these leaves except this caterpillar and other similar caterpillars, and the plant should be able to easily withstand the pruning session.

At Garrett's memorial, we released butterflies in his and Sierra's honor and planted this passion vine in the hopes of attracting butterflies. The lady at the nursery suggested this plant when we asked what might attract butterflies. I expected some lazy, flighty butterflies to float on by for a drink of nectar, sitting here or there, and flying off again. It completely goes against my expectations that these butterflies would start off as caterpillars on my plant! Even though this isn't what I expected, this is certainly more fun and has more significance! Our little passion vine is helping to grow a family of baby butterflies!

Here is a picture of what the butterflies will look like. We should have cocoons shortly! How exciting! Maybe there isn't enough excitement in my life (or maybe there's too much), but watching these little guys is such a fun way to pass the time!