Sorrow and Gatitude

I have noticed an emotional pattern with the occurrence of this past loss. It has reminded me of all the emotions I had after loosing each baby, and I notice that I'm having the same emotions this time. The past miscarriage was not this painful, and I didn't expect this one to be either since I didn't loose a "tangible" baby. But I'm finding that it is more difficult to heal from this one because of all the emotions it has reminded me of.

Yes it gets easier with the passage of time. I know this already from experience. But do we ever really fully heal? I feel as if it is an old wound that is aching with the storm.

Because I am seeing the repeat of emotional patterns, it feels as if it is my more seasoned self is giving advice and guidance to my emotionally vulnerable self - both on the outside looking in and inside hurt as well.

Even though I prepared myself for this, the shock of the miscarriage has finally creeped it's way in despite how I've managed to keep myself busy. And true to emotional pattern form, I am noticing myself feeling sorry for myself. I just want to shut the world out and curl up in the dark and wallow in my own misery. The daily demands of life provide a distraction from the pain, I know, but I don't want to be distracted right now. I just want to feel it and take comfort in it.

I don't know if this is healthy or unhealthy behavior, but I don't like it about myself. So I have decided to write down at least 3 things that I'm thankful for each day to help sustain me through this time (that I know will eventually pass).

1. The first and most important thing I have to be thankful for is my healthy daughter. Her presence makes the pain of the losses easier to bear. I don't have to struggle with the question, "am I a mother?" as so many women must who loose their first baby. I have her here to distract from my sorrow and channel my mothering needs.

2. I am thankful for the blissfully ignorant first uncomplicated pregnancy. Like so many other women, my future pregnancies will forever be tarnished by the anxiety of the past losses, but I will always have that to remember and look back on with fond memories.

3. I am thankful for my health and that I can still be there for my daughter and husband. Pregnancy can be risky business, and I am thankful for the advances in medical technology that has kept me safe and healthy.

4. I am thankful for the lessons I have learned with my experiences. I have learned to be more assertive if something doesn't sit right with me. But along those lines, I am sorry it took these experiences to teach me that. I often wonder if any of it could have been prevented if I was more persistent, but I have vowed to let that not be the case going forward.

Update:

After reading this, I wonder if I'm not letting myself feel the pain. Am I distracting myself too much to allow the pain to settle in and do its job? Have I not healed from the past losses because I haven't allowed myself to be sad? Is that why this is repeating itself? Should I take time to be in a safe place to allow myself the time grieve?

I don't know the answers to those questions right now...

-- Post From My iPhone