I have been incredibly lazy this last month since the miscarriage started (well, as lazy as you can be when you still have a business to run and a child and family to look after). Even though it has been justified laziness, I still find myself feeling guilt and anxiety about taking time to relax.
I recently hired an aide on a permanent and full-time basis to assist with my daycare business when I originally started to have the miscarriage. We had already decided to hire an aide to help with work-life balance, but the time frame got bumped up with the onset of the bleeding.
I must say it has been working out very well, so well in fact that I find myself feeling anxiety over having spare time. I keep going over the chores I did that day to make sure I'm not forgetting something critical. If I take time to do something enjoyable, I feel anxiety and guilt. Yesterday I put my aide in charge and left early to meet my husband for a late afternoon movie, but I kept feeling the anxiety creeping up on me. However, I do think there's hope for me to be able to "be in the moment" (as my counselor calls it). After several sessions of ignoring the anxiety and feeling it creep back up, I started to get angry, because I deserve to have time to relax untarnished by guilt or anxiety and bygod no imagined opinions of others is going to ruin my good time!
I oftentimes irrationally and incorrectly project what others' judgements of my behavior will be, and usually it is not a positive prediction. Why do I care anymore? Why am I still holding onto that unproductive way of thinking? Why is it so hard to let it go? Why should I care? I deserve to be free of that baggage! Shouldn't the fact that I've proven my worth and value and shown my strength through adversity negate my desire to feel validated by others? Isn't it enough for me to know it myself? If I've already proven it to myself, why do I feel the need to make everyone else aware as well? I don't have the answers yet, but maybe someday I won't care about those particular questions.
Anyway in the meantime, please help support my need for acceptance by voting for me HERE to win a trip to NYC. Vote everyday until September 14th!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Vote for me!
I'm happy to report that my Victoria Secret "Love Your Body" entry was accepted!
I wish that I could be nonchalant about the whole ordeal and pretend that I don't really care if I win or loose. But I do care, and you can help!
The winning entry is determined by how many votes are received, so please vote for me HERE.
You can vote once per day until September 14th. So be sure to vote daily!
The winner receives a trip to New York City, accommodations, a spa day, and spending cash.
Please vote for me, I really want to win!
I wish that I could be nonchalant about the whole ordeal and pretend that I don't really care if I win or loose. But I do care, and you can help!
The winning entry is determined by how many votes are received, so please vote for me HERE.
You can vote once per day until September 14th. So be sure to vote daily!
The winner receives a trip to New York City, accommodations, a spa day, and spending cash.
Please vote for me, I really want to win!
Friday, August 14, 2009
Love your body
I was looking for coupons online today for Victoria Secret. I wanted to pick up a little "sumpin, sumpin" before we go to Las Vegas in a couple weeks, and I ran across a contest where they ask you to describe why you love your body. I thought it would be fun to share what I typed up.
I stand in front of the mirror naked. After the rigors of breastfeeding, loosing 65 pounds, the birth of 3 children and 3 miscarriages later, I see sagging, shrunken breasts, a flabby abdomen (streaked with stretch marks resembling a road map), cellulite, and skin that is all too quickly loosing it's youthful elasticity.
I have been on a journey with my body that involved the struggle and conquering of my battle with weight. This journey involved the healthy (and maybe unlikely) birth of our now 5 year old daughter. This journey involved the stillbirth at 38 weeks gestation of our second daughter. And this journey involved a placental abruption at 23 weeks gestation where we knew our first son outside the womb for only 2 weeks.
I stand in front of the mirror naked. After the rigors of breastfeeding, loosing 65 pounds, the birth of 3 children and 3 miscarriages later, I see sagging, shrunken breasts, a flabby abdomen (streaked with stretch marks resembling a road map), cellulite, and skin that is all too quickly loosing it's youthful elasticity.
I have been on a journey with my body that involved the struggle and conquering of my battle with weight. This journey involved the healthy (and maybe unlikely) birth of our now 5 year old daughter. This journey involved the stillbirth at 38 weeks gestation of our second daughter. And this journey involved a placental abruption at 23 weeks gestation where we knew our first son outside the womb for only 2 weeks.
I don't have the ideal body, but I am not ashamed. I am proud, and I love my body because it is a tribute, reminder, and testament of the journey we have been through. And I wouldn't trade it for the most perfect body in the world.
I then tried to copy and paste what I wrote into their submission box and quickly realized they have a character limit for how much you can submit. How do you sum up your struggles in approximately 375 characters? Well, I submitted this instead.
It wasn't what I originally wanted to submit, but I hope it relays the intended message.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Vegas!
I had a sonogram today, and luckily my body has taken care of the miscarriage on its own. I won't be needing a D&C thankfully. The bleeding and cramping have gone down a lot since Sunday, but the doctor said I should have some bleeding for about 2 weeks. I have another appointment around that time to make sure my hCG levels are back to normal. I should get clearance at that time to resume normal activity and exercise. We have to wait for one normal cycle and then we can start trying again.
On a lighter note, we've already decided where we're going to go on vacation - Vegas baby!
We're planning on leaving on Saturday, August 29th and coming back on Friday, September 4th. Then I get Labor Day Monday off to recoup from the vacation! Who could ask for more than that!
On a lighter note, we've already decided where we're going to go on vacation - Vegas baby!
We're planning on leaving on Saturday, August 29th and coming back on Friday, September 4th. Then I get Labor Day Monday off to recoup from the vacation! Who could ask for more than that!
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Time to Get Away
We went to our scheduled counseling appointment yesterday. At first, I wasn't sure if this person was completely off or a genius, but I'm coming around to the notion that she has us pegged pretty well.
We talked about the miscarriage in progress and what we're doing to comfort ourselves right now. It goes without saying that it is painful for me. But I'm sure most men are like my husband and don't feel the need to be comforted. It's not socially acceptable for a man to hurt during such an event. After all, they aren't the one who is physically pregnant. In my more naive, less loss-tarnished days, I used to believe that it was silly for women to say, "we're pregnant," since the man does not have to bear the physical load. But I've realized that attitude is just buying into the damaging attitude encouraged by western society and encourages men to deny themselves to be witnessed becoming emotionally involved.
When I'm pregnant now, I say, "we're pregnant," and when we've lost babies or pregnancies, I say, "we had a miscarriage," or, "we lost a baby." My husband has contributed more than just half the DNA. Aside from the fact that these have been his children too, his actions and decisions also helped lay the foundation to support the children that would have resulted from these pregnancies. He has let my needs and desires influence his decisions so that I can mother our offspring in the way I most feel comfortable. While my husband would argue that emotions don't play a factor for him making a decision, I argue that it does involve an emotional investment - just as deciding and becoming pregnant involves an emotional investment by both parties. It's akin to placing the next to last piece in a puzzle we've worked so long to complete. Who can deny becoming excited at the prospect of completing the puzzle with the children you anticipate, and then being disappointed when the last puzzle piece gets snatched away? Now I know that men don't see things surrounding our losses the same way us women do. But aside from this, men have been told to deny and repress their disappointment and pain to avert the risk of being seen as weak or inferior. I don't know what the answer is, but it is a sad state of affairs.
Anyway, enough about my soapbox and my husband's repressed emotional pain. Our counselor suggested taking some time for a vacation to recoup and recover. I've noticed myself starting to develop a love/hate relationship with the daycare. I take great pride in my exceptional program and the quality of care I provide, but I am becoming resentful that I cannot take a break right now when I most need it. I only closed for 6 days with the help of an aide when I had the abruption in March. It is starting to take it's toll. I have heard of other people taking vacations after such losses and longed to do the same. But I never let myself consider the idea.
To better understand how I operate, you need to understand that I am a perfectionist. I tell people that does NOT make me perfect. It only means I'm exceptionally hard on myself when something is not done the way I think it should be done. It is an exhausting way to live. Hence the reason my counselor is encouraging me to change my thoughts from, "I should," to, "I deserve." It must be working because I kept telling my husband, "I deserve cake right now!" He thought it was ludicrous, but my counselor thought it was good progress. In either case it has been an ongoing joke the last 3 days and will probably result in the gain of 10 pounds.
But aside from whether I deserve cake or not, we both deserve a vacation to recoup from our loss and agreed to take one just the two of us. I am becoming excited at the prospect of getting away from life's daily demand. Now to decide where...
-- Post From My iPhone
We talked about the miscarriage in progress and what we're doing to comfort ourselves right now. It goes without saying that it is painful for me. But I'm sure most men are like my husband and don't feel the need to be comforted. It's not socially acceptable for a man to hurt during such an event. After all, they aren't the one who is physically pregnant. In my more naive, less loss-tarnished days, I used to believe that it was silly for women to say, "we're pregnant," since the man does not have to bear the physical load. But I've realized that attitude is just buying into the damaging attitude encouraged by western society and encourages men to deny themselves to be witnessed becoming emotionally involved.
When I'm pregnant now, I say, "we're pregnant," and when we've lost babies or pregnancies, I say, "we had a miscarriage," or, "we lost a baby." My husband has contributed more than just half the DNA. Aside from the fact that these have been his children too, his actions and decisions also helped lay the foundation to support the children that would have resulted from these pregnancies. He has let my needs and desires influence his decisions so that I can mother our offspring in the way I most feel comfortable. While my husband would argue that emotions don't play a factor for him making a decision, I argue that it does involve an emotional investment - just as deciding and becoming pregnant involves an emotional investment by both parties. It's akin to placing the next to last piece in a puzzle we've worked so long to complete. Who can deny becoming excited at the prospect of completing the puzzle with the children you anticipate, and then being disappointed when the last puzzle piece gets snatched away? Now I know that men don't see things surrounding our losses the same way us women do. But aside from this, men have been told to deny and repress their disappointment and pain to avert the risk of being seen as weak or inferior. I don't know what the answer is, but it is a sad state of affairs.
Anyway, enough about my soapbox and my husband's repressed emotional pain. Our counselor suggested taking some time for a vacation to recoup and recover. I've noticed myself starting to develop a love/hate relationship with the daycare. I take great pride in my exceptional program and the quality of care I provide, but I am becoming resentful that I cannot take a break right now when I most need it. I only closed for 6 days with the help of an aide when I had the abruption in March. It is starting to take it's toll. I have heard of other people taking vacations after such losses and longed to do the same. But I never let myself consider the idea.
To better understand how I operate, you need to understand that I am a perfectionist. I tell people that does NOT make me perfect. It only means I'm exceptionally hard on myself when something is not done the way I think it should be done. It is an exhausting way to live. Hence the reason my counselor is encouraging me to change my thoughts from, "I should," to, "I deserve." It must be working because I kept telling my husband, "I deserve cake right now!" He thought it was ludicrous, but my counselor thought it was good progress. In either case it has been an ongoing joke the last 3 days and will probably result in the gain of 10 pounds.
But aside from whether I deserve cake or not, we both deserve a vacation to recoup from our loss and agreed to take one just the two of us. I am becoming excited at the prospect of getting away from life's daily demand. Now to decide where...
-- Post From My iPhone
Friday, August 7, 2009
Cake batter
I was going to post earlier today that things have been the same, but then the bleeding started again and heavier this time. It's absolute torture having to wait this out. I know now that I am miscarrying, but I wish it would just get it over and done with.
I take comfort in the fact that maybe there wasn't anything wrong with me this time. Maybe there was just something wrong with the pregnancy causing my progesterone to be low. I will make sure that we get it monitored before next time though. Now we also go to take comfort in a big bowl of cake batter ice cream. That should provide some distraction.
I take comfort in the fact that maybe there wasn't anything wrong with me this time. Maybe there was just something wrong with the pregnancy causing my progesterone to be low. I will make sure that we get it monitored before next time though. Now we also go to take comfort in a big bowl of cake batter ice cream. That should provide some distraction.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
The bleeding seems to have subsided. The nurse said that she doubted the progesterone would help with that. Maybe we were able to catch it in time to save the pregnancy though. We will see on the 18th if there's actually a baby in there.
I am already preparing myself for being disappointed. I am still holding out hope, but I wish I wouldn't so it wouldn't hurt so bad.
I keep going around in my head that I'm not having cramps, and I haven't passed tissue, and the bleeding is subsiding, and I'm not doing this and I'm not doing that. But I don't want to convince myself it'll be okay. I'd rather be pleasantly surprised if we do find a heartbeat rather than sadly disappointed if we don't. But I still know I will be disappointed. But I tell myself, "that's okay, we can try again". It's enough to drive you crazy though.
I'm also trying to rest during the day. I will let my sub watch the daycare, and I'll try to take a nap. I lay in bed, and I think I feel the blood or a cramp coming on. I want to rush to the bathroom to check, but I can't do that every 5 minutes! So I make myself ignore it and reassure myself that I'm already doing everything I can to protect the pregnancy and decide to let nature take it's course either way. If I'm bleeding, I will deal with it after my nap.
Having to ask the people around me for help with the things I'm used to doing is very difficult as well! But despite that difficulty, I only wish I could put my emotions on hold like the bathroom checks until after we have the sono.
Update: I called the dr office this morning at their request to let them know how I'm doing. I let the nurse know that the bleeding seems to have stopped, and she was encouraged by this and told me to keep doing what I'm doing. Maybe there is hope, but I'm afraid to believe everything will be okay...
-- Post From My iPhone
I am already preparing myself for being disappointed. I am still holding out hope, but I wish I wouldn't so it wouldn't hurt so bad.
I keep going around in my head that I'm not having cramps, and I haven't passed tissue, and the bleeding is subsiding, and I'm not doing this and I'm not doing that. But I don't want to convince myself it'll be okay. I'd rather be pleasantly surprised if we do find a heartbeat rather than sadly disappointed if we don't. But I still know I will be disappointed. But I tell myself, "that's okay, we can try again". It's enough to drive you crazy though.
I'm also trying to rest during the day. I will let my sub watch the daycare, and I'll try to take a nap. I lay in bed, and I think I feel the blood or a cramp coming on. I want to rush to the bathroom to check, but I can't do that every 5 minutes! So I make myself ignore it and reassure myself that I'm already doing everything I can to protect the pregnancy and decide to let nature take it's course either way. If I'm bleeding, I will deal with it after my nap.
Having to ask the people around me for help with the things I'm used to doing is very difficult as well! But despite that difficulty, I only wish I could put my emotions on hold like the bathroom checks until after we have the sono.
Update: I called the dr office this morning at their request to let them know how I'm doing. I let the nurse know that the bleeding seems to have stopped, and she was encouraged by this and told me to keep doing what I'm doing. Maybe there is hope, but I'm afraid to believe everything will be okay...
-- Post From My iPhone
Monday, August 3, 2009
Let's play the Waiting Game! Yeehaww!
Well, I started bleeding yesterday while I was pushing that huge ton of weight around they call a grocery cart. It's not been very much bleeding, but more than I'm comfortable with. I take comfort in the fact that I've not had any cramping. I called the doctor yesterday and they're not too optimistic about the pregnancy. There isn't really anything they can do at this point, and I already knew that anyway. My doctor did advise me to put my feet up and take it easy.
My mother-in-law and husband were nice enough to clean up after dinner for me last night. It just goes to show that maybe Kevin does exhibit some emotion if he was concerned enough to actually help do dishes. Too bad I was too concerned about the pregnancy to really enjoy watching him at it for the first time!
Anyway, I called the doctor's office again today to see if they had the results from the beta hCG they did on Friday. My hCG had nearly doubled which is good, but my progesterone went from 9mg on Wednesday to 6.5mg on Friday. That's not good; in fact that's bad. Progesterone helps to sustain a pregnancy. If my body is not producing enough, I can loose this pregnancy. My understanding is it can also indicate that something is wrong with this pregnancy.
They prescribed me some progesterone pills but did it more for my benefit I think. The nurse really doesn't think it will make a difference either way. I don't think I ever had a problem with low progesterone before, but I don't really know because it was never measured before. I do know that I never had this kind of bleeding before except right before I had the abuption.
At this point, it's a waiting game. They will do another ultrasound on Tues 8/18 if I make it that long to see if there's a heartbeat. There's a high likelihood there won't even be an embryo in there.
I did have my substitute come in today and the rest of this week to help me with the daycare. And I have an aid hired that is going to start the following Monday. That will give me a chance to get my feet up and help protect this pregnancy if there's something in there well enough to save.
All we can do now is play the waiting game and hope for the best. I am trying to not hang all my hopes on a slim chance, and I can already see myself preparing for what I fear to be inevitable. I am already feeling disappointed, but if I loose this pregnancy I know we can try again. I am also going to ask that they monitor my progesterone prior to pregnancy to see if anything can be done to prevent this next time.
It just seems like the odds are starting to be stacked against us. I appreciate the fact more and more each day that we were able to have a healthy child from our first pregnancy and that it was untarnished by all this anxiety and complications. That's more than most people get who are faced with the problems we've been faced with recently.
My mother-in-law and husband were nice enough to clean up after dinner for me last night. It just goes to show that maybe Kevin does exhibit some emotion if he was concerned enough to actually help do dishes. Too bad I was too concerned about the pregnancy to really enjoy watching him at it for the first time!
Anyway, I called the doctor's office again today to see if they had the results from the beta hCG they did on Friday. My hCG had nearly doubled which is good, but my progesterone went from 9mg on Wednesday to 6.5mg on Friday. That's not good; in fact that's bad. Progesterone helps to sustain a pregnancy. If my body is not producing enough, I can loose this pregnancy. My understanding is it can also indicate that something is wrong with this pregnancy.
They prescribed me some progesterone pills but did it more for my benefit I think. The nurse really doesn't think it will make a difference either way. I don't think I ever had a problem with low progesterone before, but I don't really know because it was never measured before. I do know that I never had this kind of bleeding before except right before I had the abuption.
At this point, it's a waiting game. They will do another ultrasound on Tues 8/18 if I make it that long to see if there's a heartbeat. There's a high likelihood there won't even be an embryo in there.
I did have my substitute come in today and the rest of this week to help me with the daycare. And I have an aid hired that is going to start the following Monday. That will give me a chance to get my feet up and help protect this pregnancy if there's something in there well enough to save.
All we can do now is play the waiting game and hope for the best. I am trying to not hang all my hopes on a slim chance, and I can already see myself preparing for what I fear to be inevitable. I am already feeling disappointed, but if I loose this pregnancy I know we can try again. I am also going to ask that they monitor my progesterone prior to pregnancy to see if anything can be done to prevent this next time.
It just seems like the odds are starting to be stacked against us. I appreciate the fact more and more each day that we were able to have a healthy child from our first pregnancy and that it was untarnished by all this anxiety and complications. That's more than most people get who are faced with the problems we've been faced with recently.
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