Friday, March 18, 2011

The End of Our Journey

We have reached the end of our journey on this path. I miscarried this past Wednesday morning at about 14 weeks gestation. I spent the whole day at the hospital and was finally able to go home after a D&C. I wasn't supposed to get pregnant this last time. The doctors can't find a cause, but obviously there's something wrong that science can't explain yet. But it doesn't matter anymore. I am forever done being pregnant after going through this 6 times. Just like with Garrett, it was following an extended vacation where I was homesick the whole time. The doctors assured us the traveling and vacation have nothing to do with it, but I don't know when I'll be able to go back to New Orleans as this was our vacation spot prior to two losses we suffered after vacationing.

We now focus on healing and learning how to start a new path with an unexpected and final family of three.

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Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Dare I say giddy?

So I was looking in the mirror this morning (enjoying the scrumptious snow day) noticing the slight baby bump that is just now becoming visible, and I had this moment that felt (for lack of a better word) like an epiphany. I realized that there is a living baby (with a heartbeat) growing in my belly, and I felt down right giddy!

That feeling took me by surprise, but I revealed in it for a few moments before coming back down to earth. I'm glad I allowed myself to feel happy about the pregnancy for a bit, but it does feel scary to allow too much of that! I fear getting too attached to the pregnancy just to have it all snatch away again.

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Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Rice crispy sized baby...

Here is a picture of the ultrasound from yesterday.  Thought it'd be fun to share!

Monday, January 17, 2011

First Ultrasound

We had our first ultrasound today. I was nervous going in but not really sure why. I knew there'd be only one of two outcomes (heartbeat or not), and I was fine with both.

Turns out there is a heartbeat for our lil rice crispy and everything is looking normal.

I have been doing the blood thinner injections for about 2 weeks now. They were difficult the first couple times, but a piece of cake now. It does sting and causes bruising sometimes, but they're not too bad once you get used to it.

So everything is right on track so far. I can't say I feel comforted by that fact, but I'm also ok with whichever outcome we have. It's hard to feel excited about something when you don't know what's going to happen, and we may not actually feel happy until we are holding a healthy, live baby in our arms at the end of it. I do know for a fact that this will be that last time I'm pregnant regardless of the outcome!

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Saturday, January 1, 2011


Thursday evening, I was so proud of myself for making the P90X commitment and making it (sore but at least walking - barely) through day two. And then I got a positive result on a pregnancy test that same evening. Now I'll have to wait to pick it up again - which is rather irritating.

I had been suspecting something was up for the previous couple days because I was so dang irritable (which is really only an understatement). After realizing I was a day "late" (which always has a day or two wiggle room) I finally broke down and purchased a test and sure enough it was positive. It has been almost a year since I was pregnant last - a rather odd thought.

What does that mean now? Not sure at this point. I only know that there is no known outcome from all this. Based on my past experiences, I know what is likely to happen. I'm only thinking so far ahead to the phone call I need to make to the dr on Monday. Whatever the outcome, I've already decided that I'm getting fixed after all this. I'm not interested in going through this self-inflicted torture again. I'm not even letting myself hope for a baby at the end of all this yet, but I was growing rather fond of my newfound freedom again after 6 yrs. Either way though, I know we'll manage with flying colors.

I realized last night on New Year's Eve (while I was functioning as a rather convenient designated driver by the way) that this baby was spontaneously conceived in love under the light of the lunar eclipse that happened a few weeks ago on the winter solstice. The pagans believe that the full moon symbolizes fertility, and while I don't believe in all that stuff that fact is one beautiful facet to all this that absolutely warms my heart.

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Tuesday, July 13, 2010

100th Post!

I'm sure more of my regular visitors have noticed that I haven't blogged in a while.  We've been taking a break from the whole TTC thing, and I really haven't had anything interesting to blog about.  I hate that my last post was such a downer, so I think it's fitting that this 100th post have some defined closure with a hopeful and upbeat tone.  I may blog here and there as thoughts or events occur, but certainly nothing regular.

I've been on a pretty even keel recently in regards to our family situation.  I'm actually getting to the point that I'm thinking I don't want anymore babies of my own.  I don't know if this is just me rationalizing what I can't have to myself.  But Savannah is starting to be able to do more and more things on her own now-a-days.  She has even gotten to the point where she can brush and floss her teeth and can even wash her own hair (with a little supervision).  It's fantastic!  She'll be taking out the garbage and doing laundry and dishes before we know it!  I keep thinking how exhausting it would be to start over with another little one.  In fact, I mentioned all this to Kevin the other day and he was in agreement that if we don't have a baby in the next couple years or sooner we'll be done with this chapter in our lives.

Funny thing is we went to see Despicable Me later that day.  It's a heart-warming story about an evil villain who haphazardly ends up adopting three orphaned girls who worm their way into his heart.  It got me thinking.  Why couldn't we just skip the baby stage and adopt a child that was 3 or 4?  My need to nurture is so great that I know I would love this child as my own.  There are of course many things to consider with this option, but the most important concern is would Kevin learn to love this child as his own as well?  I think that's essential for the complete well-being of the child to feel truly accepted as a member of the family.  Anything less would be an injustice.

I mentioned the idea to Kevin.  He has not wanted to consider adoption up to this point but promised to reconsider his feelings on the matter if there is no chance for him to have further biological children.  I'm no longer sure what to expect in the future, but despite my desires I am beginning to learn how to be content with what I have now.