Learning to live a worry-free life

My pre-menopausal state has apparently decided to manifest itself physically.  I knew it would happen eventually and sooner rather than later, but less than a month after getting the news?  I'm on day 38 of my cycle, and no, I'm not pregnant.  Spoke with my doctor yesterday, and if I didn't have a positive urine pregnancy test this morning then I'm not pregnant, so I'm not pregnant...  I'm supposed to call back if I go two months without a period.

I know I said I'm happy with our family like it is, but do you sometimes find yourself saying something if only to convince yourself?  Maybe if I say it over and over, I'll eventually believe it...

I was really irritable this past weekend.  At first I wasn't sure why.  I was short and snippy with Kevin, and we were quarreling over silly little things.  And then I realized that there was something that had my mind preoccupied.  The loss of my friend's daughter really shook me up.  I couldn't help wondering what if we lost Savannah?  Other children would never replace the ones you lost, but it does soften the blow.  But we CAN'T have more kids to soften that fearful blow. I'm so very happy and proud of my child but I DO want more.  I find myself being scared with the idea that we may be left with no children.

I told myself that I'm not going to monitor anything anymore.  If we get pregnant, I will probably miscarry anyway.  But I was hoping I was pregnant this time.  I was hoping that we would someday accidentally get pregnant and miraculously keep the pregnancy to term and have a living, healthy baby at the end.  I was hoping for our happy ending.  But this pre-menopausal cycle has reminded me that that isn't likely and probably not possible.

I feel the need to come to terms with my family the way it is - to be happy with what I have.  But no, I'm not at peace yet.  I am grieving over the family that I envisioned, and it is a process I haven't completed yet.

Everyone keeps telling me stress can play a factor in your cycle.  Maybe the grief is interfering with it.  My fear is that I'm in a perpetual state of stress that I don't even know what non-stress feels like.  I want to learn how to live a worry-free life.  I want to learn to be happy with what I have now.