Waiting for a heartbeat

Last Friday, I went to the grocery store. I picked up some pregnancy tests since this was the day I was supposed to get my period (I say supposed, but Aunt Flow has never been a punctual visitor).

Anyway, I get home from the grocery store and it appears that our monthly visitor did arrive on time after all. I was a little disappointed - well actually really disappointed - and made a mental note to call my OB on Monday to see what course of action we can take, if any, to help events along.

Saturday rolls around and it seemed that our monthly visitor was just kidding and decided not to make an appearance after all, so I resisted the urge to take a pregnancy test right then and there and wait until Sunday morning when my urine would be nice and concentrated. My big concern was that I was indeed pregnant, but miscarrying again.

So, I took the test Sunday morning and low and behold it was positive! I hadn't had any further bleeding, but I didn't want to get too excited because any amount of blood is alarming.

I made an appointment Monday morning to have a beta hCG drawn. This measures the amount of hCG (pregnancy hormone) and progesterone in your system and can give you an indication if you're miscarrying or not. They will usually repeat the test in 48 hours and are looking for the numbers to just about double.

Good news is everything looks good so far and I haven't had any further bleeding! The nurse said the spotting doesn't necessarily indicate anything is wrong and may have happened because of a change in hormones. I am allowing myself to become a little excited, but am anxiously awaiting my first OB appointment when we can hear the heartbeat. Unfortunately, because of the holidays, I have to wait until I'm nearly 8 weeks before I have my first visit! They will call me if there are any cancellations though.

I am trying to stay as relaxed and patient as I can. I feel I am doing a good job of not letting the anxiety control my life. I haven't changed my level of activity unless I feel especially tired. I have continued to do my exercises to keep my back strong (I was recently diagnosed with fractures in my bottom two vertebrae), and have continued my yoga practice with slight modifications to accommodate the pregnancy.

I have had trouble sleeping the past week, and I will find myself waking out of a dead sleep around 3:00am and not able to go back to sleep. I don't know if this is one way the anxiety is manifesting or if it's due to the hormone changes. I don't feel especially panic-ridden so I'm leaning more to the hormone changes as the cause.

I am controlling the things I can to make sure we have a healthy baby at the end of all this, but I also realize there are so many things I can't control, and I must let nature takes its course. I just hope that the course is steered in the desired direction this time!

Attempt #3, no wait! Make that #2

I know I haven't posted in a while. Things have been pretty uneventful reproductive-wise. I did have some excitement with trying to find a new daycare aide that has occupied my time and attention. I will only say that having to fire someone is one of the hardest things I've had to do in my life. I hate confrontation, and it's definately in the top 5 of things I'd like to avoid. But anyhoo...

We didn't get pregnant again this month. I was telling a friend the other day that this was our third attempt, and I was starting to get worried, but upon reevaluting the calendar I realized this was only our 2nd attempt since the miscarriage. We have always been successful in the past in 2 tries or less, and we've never had to go this long without success. I do feel less stressed that this was only the 2nd attempt. I think it seems longer to me because of the miscarriage along with several extended cycles since Garrett where I thought I was pregnant.

I still feel that I'm staying pretty relaxed about the whole thing, and being busy definately makes the time pass quickly. I try to remind myself that even though I do want the time to pass quickly so I can get to whatever stage is next in our conception attempts that it's also important to enjoy the great things that are in our lives right now - things like Savannah's very first kindergarten performance which was the cutest thing since seeing her smile for the first time!

But here's to hoping this month is *the* month, so wish us luck and lots of baby dust!


-- Post From My iPhone

Feelings of Disappointment and Frustration

Ok, ok. Now that the disappointment of not being pregnant has worn off, I'm not so eager to seek artificial assistance for conceiving. I don't know how people with infertility issues deal month after month with the disappointment. I've never had to go more than 2 months without conceiving, but I'm always frustrated after the first month!

I will say that I do have a limit to how many more times I am willing to go through pregnancy (barring anymore unforeseen circumstances of course). Given this, we have decided to continue our attempts to conceive naturally for this pregnancy. Depending on the gender of this upcoming baby, we will then make a determination if we will use PGD (preimplantation genetic diagnosis) to determine gender for the subsequent pregnancies.

With the little information Kevin has told me and the little research I've done on this method, I'm surprised that more people who use IVF don't use PGD as well for extra insurance. It can screen for the presence of a large number of genetic disorders before the embryo is implanted helping to prevent any additional heartache that may results for naturally occurring chromosome mistakes or inherited genetic mutations. The additional fees for the test are not that much more when you factor in what IVF costs anyway.

After thinking through all of our options, I'm secretly (although not so secretly now) hoping that the next baby is a girl. Then we can plan to use PGD to have our two boys for the pregnancy after this one. Even though events don't always go as we hope and plan them, I wouldn't mind being pregnant 2 more times, but 3 is stretching it!

Negative, Ghostrider

The pregnancy test came back negative, but I'm still awaiting my period. Going on cycle day 35. This happened once before, but this isn't the norm for me. I hope it's not an early sign of the end of my reproductive years...

Speaking of childbearing years, I am getting to the point where I am anxious to be past this stage in my life. I have been pregnant 3 times (4 if you count the early miscarriage), and I'm starting to feel fatigued at the prospect of having to do this 2-3 more times not to mention the fear of the risk associated with being pregnant. I'm especially reminded of this with all this swine flu news recently. Just the other day, I learned that pregnant women who contract this particular stain of the virus are 9 times as likely to die! Working in a daycare setting only increases the risk of contracting the disease. It's so easy to say that that won't happen to me, but my past experience leaves little room for that freedom of thought.

My parents were done having kids already by my age, and I feel like I'm in limbo waiting for the completion of our family. Kevin wants two living sons (he doesn't count Garrett in the mix). While I don't understand or agree, I do understand that it's important to him, and I don't mind trying to help him achieve his goal.

We've tried various ways to try to influence the gender at conception, and we've had mixed results with neither of us being convinced that those methods really work. But apparently you can guarantee the results with a method that also screens for genetic disorders. The embryo is then implanted via IVF.

I was initially put off by the idea of this especially with a price tag of $20k which would most likely not be covered by insurance. But the prospect of only having to go through pregnancy one more time with two implanted males is sounding more and more appealing. Not only would we be done with childbearing, but we would have the peace of mind that the children I will be carrying will not have any genetic disorders. While we've never had a problem with genetic disorders, having the peace of mind that we're carrying healthy children is worth it to me alone.

We still have a lot of research to do on this and still need to weigh the options, but it would be so nice to know I only have one more pregnancy to look forward to.

-- Post From My iPhone

Late?

Today I am officially "late". Going in for a pregnancy test tomorrow... Nothing more to see here. Move along!


-- Post From My iPhone

Yoga and Grief

I know, I know. I haven't posted in a while. The daily demands of life have been keeping me busy, busy, busy (my new mantra remember)! I'm even starting this post from Savannah's new tumbling class seeing as I can't find the time to write otherwise.

My former prenatal yoga instructor (turned friend) invited me to attend a pregnancy and infant loss support group meeting on Monday. She was invited as a guest speaker to talk about yoga and grief. She also has experienced the loss of a baby. She knew that I have been a practitioner and wanted me to share my story and experience as well.

As a side note I'd like to say that everyone grieves differently and I try very hard not to judge others with their process, but I learned I'm not really a support group type of person. I much prefer going to my counselor instead.

Anyway, my yoga instructor friend also invited me to attend her prenatal yoga class prior to the meeting. Some may think she was crazy or even cruel for asking someone with a recent loss to be around a bunch of pregnant women, but I never pass up the opportunity for yoga! Plus, I didn't feel the least bit apprehensive about the idea before hand, so I figured I was safe.

She usually starts the class off with some guided breathing and connecting with your baby. I followed along with her instructions of placing one hand on your heart and one on your belly out of politeness at first, but as she started talking about connecting with your baby the tears started coming. I wanted to jerk my hand away when I felt the tears and to shut out the emotions. I felt so empty and missed my babies so much, but then a thought occurred to me. My body used to hug and touch them through my womb. Even though my womb is empty at the moment, my babies used to live in there. That used to be their home and lifeline. I felt a sense of connectedness through the organ that used to cradle them. I may not have them with me anymore, but my love for them keeps us connected. The pain of grief is never pleasant while we are experiencing it, but I was glad that I didn't shut out the emotions. I felt refreshed and cleansed and more connected to our babies after my little cry. And even though I was in a public place, I felt safe enough in that yoga setting to let myself grieve over my empty womb.

It's moments like that one that have helped me resolve some hidden aspect of my grief. As I stated to the other bereaved parents at the support group, there's nothing mystical that happens for me when I do yoga. I think the awareness of your breath, your body, and your limitations also carries over to your emotions and other aspects of your life. We are taught in yoga to respect and accept our bodies and our limitations without judgment, but also to push ourselves without going over our limits. Going to that prenatal yoga class was a little push for me in my grief. Additionally, I've found the best way for me to grieve (seeing as I'm becoming an expert on this) is to allow the emotions to come without judgment and accept them for what they are - a by product of the grieving process. Sometimes there is no logic to the emotions. Sometimes I feel anger, resentment, bitterness, and guilt. But I accept those ugly emotions just as I accept my limitations in yoga and realize they do not define my character. It's how I act on those emotions that defines who I am.

In typing this, I am reminded of a blog post I've read recently. After we have settled back into the normal routine of life, it seems most women need to expose themselves to experiences that illicit some of those feelings associated with grief. I read somewhere that it is normal human behavior to want to relive the details of the tragic event to remind ourselves that we're justified in your grief. But I'd rather like to think of it as reminding myself that I'm justified in the love for the little lives that we've lost.

-- Post From My iPhone

Tasting the moment

Did you ever want something so bad you could taste it? I remember as a kid the American Girl line of toys had just come out, and they were horribly overpriced even then. I wanted the Samantha doll and her accessories with a vengeance. They had several contests where you could mail in a postcard and win a bunch of stuff, and I would hope and pray that my entry would be picked. Mom and Dad didn't have $75+ laying around to be able to afford such a toy not even at Christmas. Of course, I never won, but I would study the catalogues, and picture the accessories, and imagine myself playing with these deliciously life-like toys. We visited the American Girl store with my daughter several months ago, and it was like walking through the catalogue. It was even better than I used to imagine! I even have the means to purchase the things I yearned for all those years ago (I didn't of course, but that's not the point).

That's how this next baby feels to me. Now that Aunt Flow has made her arrival again, I am getting excited that this could be it. Maybe in 6 weeks, we will see a little heartbeat on the screen. Maybe in 9 months, we will be holding our next living, healthy bundle of joy. I see other women with their babies, and I can almost taste it just like those silly little toys. I have to remind myself at moments like this to slow down and relax. It may not happen in 6 weeks or 9 months, but I know it will happen. And I will myself to be patient and enjoy the things that life has to offer right now and to stay in the moment.

Trip and other miscellaneous sundies updated

We have had a couple of whirlwind weeks which is one reason I haven't updated sooner.

We got back from Vegas last Friday, didn't win ANYTHING, but had a great time anyway. We did have one minor hiccup that I have filed away as a "lesson learned". I wore myself out trying to walk to the Stratosphere in 100+ degree heat and got very grumpy.

I heard somewhere that the whole length of the strip is 2 miles and that the Stratosphere is at the end. We had just finished eating lunch at the Bellagio which according to the tourist map looked about halfway. I convinced Kevin it would be good for us to work off some of our gluttonous Vegas buffet fair and walk the distance rather than taking a taxi or riding the Deuce (bus). Besides it was only a mile! Additionally, we are from Texas and are accustomed to 100+ degree heat WITH humidity, and we had plenty of water to stay well hydrated! Heck, we walked to Excalibur which was on the other end of the strip (certainly at least a mile in distance) without a problem! How hard could it be, right? I'm embarrassed to say it did occur to me before hand that we made our Excalibur trip AT NIGHT and that our tourist map may not have been to scale, but I rejected those ideas in the interest of burning calories. Boy, did we do that!

Anyway, we did walk the distance while making stops along the way, but it definitely seemed more than a mile! We ended up taking a taxi back to our hotel in a very foul mood vowing never to attempt such a feat again. I will say though that due to my diligent and disciplined use of sunscreen, I did NOT get a sunburn.

Here is a picture of us, pre-Stratosphere excursion. See how happy we, I mean, I look? Kevin came down with a cold at the beginning of our trip and wasn't feeling too good that day. He got over it pretty quick though.



Then we had a major scare after getting onto the plane headed home. No, this wasn't a terrorist threat or concerns about the structural soundness of the plane. I looked down at my hand, and my engagement ring was GONE!

Now, I must admit that this is not the first time this has happened, and I've been putting off the inevitable task of getting my rings resized, but I've always known in the past the moment my ring slipped off my finger before.

The flight attendant let me look up and down the isle and at the gate, but I feared I had accidentally thrown it away in the bathroom after washing my hands. Unfortunately, the bathroom was nowhere near the gate and our plane was about to take off. I was coming around to the idea that we would need to start saving for several months to be able to invest in a new wedding set when I decided to scour the contents of my bag in the vain hope it accidentally slipped off into there. I picked up my bag from under the seat in front of me and there was my ring on the floor! I immediately put both my rings in my wallet vowing not to put them back on until I got them fixed. I am happy to report they were resized and saudered together the next day.

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The next day after we got back on Sept 5th was the 2 year anniversary of Sierra's stillbirth. I thought a lot about her that day, but we didn't do anything to commemorate the event for a combination of reasons the least of which being we ran out of time. Despite that, I was having mixed feelings about making a big deal out of it. Even though an experience like this has a lasting impact, I didn't want to go through the motions of acknowledging the event. I don't want to feel like a slave to the ritual, and I felt the need to move on and not be tied down by all the emotional baggage.

Yeah, I felt slightly guilty for not doing anything for her on that day. But it seems to me the purpose of acknowledging the day is to keep her memory alive, but her memory has and will live on in us. I think of her often, and I know that we could never forget her. And I am at peace with that.

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I found out yesterday that the Victoria Secret Love your Body contest has been closed early due to tampering which I suspect is from "ballot stuffing". Funny thing is, Kevin originally suggested that I set up a script to "artificially inflate" my votes (or in other words cheat), but I rejected the idea out of hand!

They are still going to award the two prizes, but unless they disqualify the cheaters, I won't be eligible for a prize. They will award one prize to People's Choice and one to Judge's Choice. But in order to be eligible for Judge's Choice, you have to be in the top 50. I am in the top 100, but not top 50.

Even though I may not be eligible for a prize, I still feel fortunate that my friends and family cared enough to cast votes on a daily basis. Plus, we were able to take a fun, exciting, lesson-filled trip to Las Vegas! Those things are prize enough for me!

Relax!

I have been incredibly lazy this last month since the miscarriage started (well, as lazy as you can be when you still have a business to run and a child and family to look after). Even though it has been justified laziness, I still find myself feeling guilt and anxiety about taking time to relax.

I recently hired an aide on a permanent and full-time basis to assist with my daycare business when I originally started to have the miscarriage. We had already decided to hire an aide to help with work-life balance, but the time frame got bumped up with the onset of the bleeding.

I must say it has been working out very well, so well in fact that I find myself feeling anxiety over having spare time. I keep going over the chores I did that day to make sure I'm not forgetting something critical. If I take time to do something enjoyable, I feel anxiety and guilt. Yesterday I put my aide in charge and left early to meet my husband for a late afternoon movie, but I kept feeling the anxiety creeping up on me. However, I do think there's hope for me to be able to "be in the moment" (as my counselor calls it). After several sessions of ignoring the anxiety and feeling it creep back up, I started to get angry, because I deserve to have time to relax untarnished by guilt or anxiety and bygod no imagined opinions of others is going to ruin my good time!

I oftentimes irrationally and incorrectly project what others' judgements of my behavior will be, and usually it is not a positive prediction. Why do I care anymore? Why am I still holding onto that unproductive way of thinking? Why is it so hard to let it go? Why should I care? I deserve to be free of that baggage! Shouldn't the fact that I've proven my worth and value and shown my strength through adversity negate my desire to feel validated by others? Isn't it enough for me to know it myself? If I've already proven it to myself, why do I feel the need to make everyone else aware as well? I don't have the answers yet, but maybe someday I won't care about those particular questions.

Anyway in the meantime, please help support my need for acceptance by voting for me HERE to win a trip to NYC. Vote everyday until September 14th!

Vote for me!

I'm happy to report that my Victoria Secret "Love Your Body" entry was accepted!

I wish that I could be nonchalant about the whole ordeal and pretend that I don't really care if I win or loose. But I do care, and you can help!

The winning entry is determined by how many votes are received, so please vote for me HERE.

You can vote once per day until September 14th. So be sure to vote daily!

The winner receives a trip to New York City, accommodations, a spa day, and spending cash.

Please vote for me, I really want to win!

Love your body

I was looking for coupons online today for Victoria Secret. I wanted to pick up a little "sumpin, sumpin" before we go to Las Vegas in a couple weeks, and I ran across a contest where they ask you to describe why you love your body. I thought it would be fun to share what I typed up.

I stand in front of the mirror naked. After the rigors of breastfeeding, loosing 65 pounds, the birth of 3 children and 3 miscarriages later, I see sagging, shrunken breasts, a flabby abdomen (streaked with stretch marks resembling a road map), cellulite, and skin that is all too quickly loosing it's youthful elasticity.

I have been on a journey with my body that involved the struggle and conquering of my battle with weight. This journey involved the healthy (and maybe unlikely) birth of our now 5 year old daughter. This journey involved the stillbirth at 38 weeks gestation of our second daughter. And this journey involved a placental abruption at 23 weeks gestation where we knew our first son outside the womb for only 2 weeks.

I don't have the ideal body, but I am not ashamed. I am proud, and I love my body because it is a tribute, reminder, and testament of the journey we have been through. And I wouldn't trade it for the most perfect body in the world.

I then tried to copy and paste what I wrote into their submission box and quickly realized they have a character limit for how much you can submit. How do you sum up your struggles in approximately 375 characters? Well, I submitted this instead.

It wasn't what I originally wanted to submit, but I hope it relays the intended message.

Vegas!

I had a sonogram today, and luckily my body has taken care of the miscarriage on its own. I won't be needing a D&C thankfully. The bleeding and cramping have gone down a lot since Sunday, but the doctor said I should have some bleeding for about 2 weeks. I have another appointment around that time to make sure my hCG levels are back to normal. I should get clearance at that time to resume normal activity and exercise. We have to wait for one normal cycle and then we can start trying again.

On a lighter note, we've already decided where we're going to go on vacation - Vegas baby!

We're planning on leaving on Saturday, August 29th and coming back on Friday, September 4th. Then I get Labor Day Monday off to recoup from the vacation! Who could ask for more than that!

Time to Get Away

We went to our scheduled counseling appointment yesterday. At first, I wasn't sure if this person was completely off or a genius, but I'm coming around to the notion that she has us pegged pretty well.

We talked about the miscarriage in progress and what we're doing to comfort ourselves right now. It goes without saying that it is painful for me. But I'm sure most men are like my husband and don't feel the need to be comforted. It's not socially acceptable for a man to hurt during such an event. After all, they aren't the one who is physically pregnant. In my more naive, less loss-tarnished days, I used to believe that it was silly for women to say, "we're pregnant," since the man does not have to bear the physical load. But I've realized that attitude is just buying into the damaging attitude encouraged by western society and encourages men to deny themselves to be witnessed becoming emotionally involved.

When I'm pregnant now, I say, "we're pregnant," and when we've lost babies or pregnancies, I say, "we had a miscarriage," or, "we lost a baby." My husband has contributed more than just half the DNA. Aside from the fact that these have been his children too, his actions and decisions also helped lay the foundation to support the children that would have resulted from these pregnancies. He has let my needs and desires influence his decisions so that I can mother our offspring in the way I most feel comfortable. While my husband would argue that emotions don't play a factor for him making a decision, I argue that it does involve an emotional investment - just as deciding and becoming pregnant involves an emotional investment by both parties. It's akin to placing the next to last piece in a puzzle we've worked so long to complete. Who can deny becoming excited at the prospect of completing the puzzle with the children you anticipate, and then being disappointed when the last puzzle piece gets snatched away? Now I know that men don't see things surrounding our losses the same way us women do. But aside from this, men have been told to deny and repress their disappointment and pain to avert the risk of being seen as weak or inferior. I don't know what the answer is, but it is a sad state of affairs.

Anyway, enough about my soapbox and my husband's repressed emotional pain. Our counselor suggested taking some time for a vacation to recoup and recover. I've noticed myself starting to develop a love/hate relationship with the daycare. I take great pride in my exceptional program and the quality of care I provide, but I am becoming resentful that I cannot take a break right now when I most need it. I only closed for 6 days with the help of an aide when I had the abruption in March. It is starting to take it's toll. I have heard of other people taking vacations after such losses and longed to do the same. But I never let myself consider the idea.

To better understand how I operate, you need to understand that I am a perfectionist. I tell people that does NOT make me perfect. It only means I'm exceptionally hard on myself when something is not done the way I think it should be done. It is an exhausting way to live. Hence the reason my counselor is encouraging me to change my thoughts from, "I should," to, "I deserve." It must be working because I kept telling my husband, "I deserve cake right now!" He thought it was ludicrous, but my counselor thought it was good progress. In either case it has been an ongoing joke the last 3 days and will probably result in the gain of 10 pounds.

But aside from whether I deserve cake or not, we both deserve a vacation to recoup from our loss and agreed to take one just the two of us. I am becoming excited at the prospect of getting away from life's daily demand. Now to decide where...


-- Post From My iPhone

Cake batter

I was going to post earlier today that things have been the same, but then the bleeding started again and heavier this time. It's absolute torture having to wait this out. I know now that I am miscarrying, but I wish it would just get it over and done with.

I take comfort in the fact that maybe there wasn't anything wrong with me this time. Maybe there was just something wrong with the pregnancy causing my progesterone to be low. I will make sure that we get it monitored before next time though. Now we also go to take comfort in a big bowl of cake batter ice cream. That should provide some distraction.

The bleeding seems to have subsided. The nurse said that she doubted the progesterone would help with that. Maybe we were able to catch it in time to save the pregnancy though. We will see on the 18th if there's actually a baby in there.

I am already preparing myself for being disappointed. I am still holding out hope, but I wish I wouldn't so it wouldn't hurt so bad.

I keep going around in my head that I'm not having cramps, and I haven't passed tissue, and the bleeding is subsiding, and I'm not doing this and I'm not doing that. But I don't want to convince myself it'll be okay. I'd rather be pleasantly surprised if we do find a heartbeat rather than sadly disappointed if we don't. But I still know I will be disappointed. But I tell myself, "that's okay, we can try again". It's enough to drive you crazy though.

I'm also trying to rest during the day. I will let my sub watch the daycare, and I'll try to take a nap. I lay in bed, and I think I feel the blood or a cramp coming on. I want to rush to the bathroom to check, but I can't do that every 5 minutes! So I make myself ignore it and reassure myself that I'm already doing everything I can to protect the pregnancy and decide to let nature take it's course either way. If I'm bleeding, I will deal with it after my nap.

Having to ask the people around me for help with the things I'm used to doing is very difficult as well! But despite that difficulty, I only wish I could put my emotions on hold like the bathroom checks until after we have the sono.

Update: I called the dr office this morning at their request to let them know how I'm doing. I let the nurse know that the bleeding seems to have stopped, and she was encouraged by this and told me to keep doing what I'm doing. Maybe there is hope, but I'm afraid to believe everything will be okay...

-- Post From My iPhone

Let's play the Waiting Game! Yeehaww!

Well, I started bleeding yesterday while I was pushing that huge ton of weight around they call a grocery cart. It's not been very much bleeding, but more than I'm comfortable with. I take comfort in the fact that I've not had any cramping. I called the doctor yesterday and they're not too optimistic about the pregnancy. There isn't really anything they can do at this point, and I already knew that anyway. My doctor did advise me to put my feet up and take it easy.

My mother-in-law and husband were nice enough to clean up after dinner for me last night. It just goes to show that maybe Kevin does exhibit some emotion if he was concerned enough to actually help do dishes. Too bad I was too concerned about the pregnancy to really enjoy watching him at it for the first time!

Anyway, I called the doctor's office again today to see if they had the results from the beta hCG they did on Friday. My hCG had nearly doubled which is good, but my progesterone went from 9mg on Wednesday to 6.5mg on Friday. That's not good; in fact that's bad. Progesterone helps to sustain a pregnancy. If my body is not producing enough, I can loose this pregnancy. My understanding is it can also indicate that something is wrong with this pregnancy.

They prescribed me some progesterone pills but did it more for my benefit I think. The nurse really doesn't think it will make a difference either way. I don't think I ever had a problem with low progesterone before, but I don't really know because it was never measured before. I do know that I never had this kind of bleeding before except right before I had the abuption.

At this point, it's a waiting game. They will do another ultrasound on Tues 8/18 if I make it that long to see if there's a heartbeat. There's a high likelihood there won't even be an embryo in there.

I did have my substitute come in today and the rest of this week to help me with the daycare. And I have an aid hired that is going to start the following Monday. That will give me a chance to get my feet up and help protect this pregnancy if there's something in there well enough to save.

All we can do now is play the waiting game and hope for the best. I am trying to not hang all my hopes on a slim chance, and I can already see myself preparing for what I fear to be inevitable. I am already feeling disappointed, but if I loose this pregnancy I know we can try again. I am also going to ask that they monitor my progesterone prior to pregnancy to see if anything can be done to prevent this next time.

It just seems like the odds are starting to be stacked against us. I appreciate the fact more and more each day that we were able to have a healthy child from our first pregnancy and that it was untarnished by all this anxiety and complications. That's more than most people get who are faced with the problems we've been faced with recently.

Blah!

I went back to the doctor's office today. They of course confirmed the pregnancy yesterday, but said that it was very early. I only measured 11mIU/ml hCG. I think your body will usually have less than 5mIU/ml hCG normally. They had me come in again today and took some more blood. They will measure how much hCG my body is producing as of today. They want to see it increase and optimally double from Wednesday. They use this along with progesterone numbers to measure how viable the pregnancy is. We won't have the results until Monday.

Dr. O did not start me on the blood thinners yet. She said it's too early to tell if the pregnancy is viable. If I were to start the blood thinners and then have a miscarriage, I could loose a lot of blood. As long as everything progresses normally, I am to go back in two weeks (which will be 6 weeks gestation) and have a ultrasound. As long as everything looks good, they will start me on the blood thinners at that time.

I never anticipated being on an emotional roller coaster this early in the pregnancy. I was elated when I discovered that I am pregnant and then anxious the next day worrying if this will turn into the full-blown thing. I've never had an early miscarriage, but I've heard that most women will have one at some point. I would think the fact that we've already had 2 late miscarriages would somehow magically counter the statistics, but it just doesn't work that way...

And every time that nurse takes my blood it HURTS! I'm used to getting my blood drawn, and she may be nice, but she doesn't do a very good job! Blah!

TTC tips and tricks

We received confirmation from the doctor today that I am indeed pregnant! Even though we have had issues towards the middle or end of our pregnancies, ironically or coincidentally (whichever way you want to look at it) we have always been able to get pregnant very easily. This may have to do with body chemistry and genetics, but I like to think that some of the stuff we've done might be helpful for others as well.

However, I'd first like to say that my intention is not to minimalize very real issues that some people face when trying to conceive. My intention is to share things that have worked for us in the hopes that it may work for others to conceive more quickly. This is not a comprehensive list by any stretch of the imagination, and I encourage you to do your own research as well. This of course is not intended to replace any advice from a qualified physician.

And Dad, I know you read my blog, so you can stop right here. I would be so embarrassed if I knew you read this!



Tips for Him

• Have your mate where boxers - This allows for higher sperm production because it lowers the temperature in that region. The little guys thrive at a lower temperature so if your guy likes tightie whities, he may inadvertently be decreasing the amount of live sperm available. More is better to help increase the odds of one of them making it to the "finish line" (or the egg in other words).
  

Tips for Her

• Evening Prim Rose capsules help to increase the quality and quantity of cervical mucus. The cervical mucus helps the little guys make it to the egg. The better the track the quicker they can get there. You should take 2-3 capsules a day from about the time that your period ends to when you ovulate. I took 3/day from the point that my period started to help me get in the habit before the crucial time frame. You should be able to find it at most drug stores.
  
• A word on measuring ovulation. I've found it best to forget about that basal body temperature and checking cervical mucus stuff. Those are additional ways you can check ovulation, but the easiest I found was to just pick up a bunch of ovulation sticks and follow the directions in the box. I wouldn't mess with those dip sticks though. Just get the sticks you can pee on. I always just used the cheap Kroger brand sticks, and I found they worked the best. Once it shows that you've had an LH surge, you will usually ovulate in the next 12-36 hours. You must "do the deed" around this time, or you will miss your opportunity to fertilize the egg.
  
• Mucinex can help loosen the cervical mucus allowing for better access to the egg for the little spermies. I took 600mg twice a day from the start of my period until ovulation.
  
• There are lubricants out there that can apparently hinder your attempts at conception. Make sure that if you use one, it is compatible. We used one called "Pre-Seed".
  
• Last but not least, make sure you give the "juice" enough time to do it's magic. You may not need this visual, but I rested in bed with my nether region elevated on a pillow. I would wait about 5-10 minutes. Don't wait too long; you don't want to run the risk of a urinary tract infection!

That was it for us. Sprinkle in some baby dust and the facade of patience and hopefully you too will be pregnant quickly!

Pregnant!

My husband jokes that if we had a buck fifty for everytime I said, "I think I'm pregnant," we'd have a couple thousand available to us. BUT I don't have to think anymore! I can finally see the second line on the test without having to strain, so I KNOW I'm pregnant now!

I'm going into the doctor this morning to have a blood test done before I get put on the blood thinners, but at this point it's just a technicality. The other good news is that my insurance will cover the lovenox (1x day injection) so I don't have to settle for the heparin (2x day injection). I don't consider myself a squimish person, but given the option I'd rather just stick myself once rather than twice a day!

Oh and BTW, this should put my due date around the beginning of April, but they will probably take the baby around the end of March.

One thing to remember is to not wish us congratulations yet - it's not said and done until we have a healthy baby in our arms. Just wish us good luck!


-- Post From My iPhone

A ray of sunshine after the storm

These past two weeks have been really rough on me. I haven't felt this down in the dumps for a long time - not since I was treated for clinical depression back in 2002. You may think that's odd considering I've had to go through two tragic events since then, but the feelings I had the past two weeks were different. I felt hopeless, helpless, and angry. When we lost our babies, I had and still have hope that we will be able to have more children. It was and is very painful to have lost our babies, but the hope helps to sustain me through the dark times.

I haven't blogged about what's been going on specifically the last two weeks because it was too raw and fresh for me to be able to do so. But I am finally seeing the light at the end of the very dark tunnel.

My husband and I got into an argument two weeks ago. Without going into too much detail, it was one of those age-old arguments about him helping out more to help relieve my stress. What initiated all of this was the fact that I was ovulating that day and feeling particularly scared about my current stress level along with bringing another baby into the picture without any sense of security that I would be able to handle it. I prodded my husband (not in the best way) for the answers I wanted - his willingness to help out more. I didn't get the answers I needed, and we ended up missing our opportunity at the ovulation period. I told him I didn't want to invest the emotional or physical time in another high risk pregnancy if my stress level is not going to be relieved. I wasn't trying to use this as a threat - just a simple statement of fact.

I knew I would have lots of fears once I was pregnant, but I never thought I would be one who was actually afraid of getting pregnant, and that is exactly what happened to me.

I found myself particularly down because this had changed how I viewed our marriage. I definitely want more children, but I was and am unwilling to do so at the expense of my own self. I looked to my husband for the answers I was seeking and did not find them. It made me question our marriage and our life together especially if I was going to have more kids with this man. And I couldn't see a way through this problem.

Then I went to the counselor last week and we talked about this argument and my fear of getting pregnant. The loss of our babies has created all this new baggage that I'm carrying around that is getting in the way of us getting pregnant now (at least that's how I view it), but we also have an underlying issue that has been there since the start.

You can read some of my thoughts on our past session on my previous blog post. She also recommended a book, The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. I started reading it yesterday, and have taken great comfort and have a new sense of hope about our situation.

When we have had problems in our marriage, I have had the view that I can only control myself. When we had differing opinions on a matter, I would go along with what Kevin wanted to do and stuff the angry feelings down and keep trudging along at the same old ragged stressful pace. I would go along for the sake of the marriage and for peace in our household at the expense of myself. You can't keep that anger bottled up indefinitely; it will inevitable come spilling out in one form or another without productive results (as most assuredly happened with me). Besides that, I would still secretly wish and hope that Kevin would "see the light" and come around to my way of thinking.

What this book has showed me is that I have been sacrificing my identity to insulate any discomfort to Kevin and ultimately for the sake of our marriage. While I was correct in my view that you can only control yourself, I was going about it the wrong way. I should have been protecting my sense of self and refused to compromise on issues important to me. I should have put more faith in my marriage and in Kevin, and allowed it to be tested regardless if it caused discomfort to Kevin. The anger I have on particular issues is there for a reason. It alerts you that something is not in balance, but I should have directed it towards a different solution rather than trying to change Kevin's point of view.

I am pleased to report that I have already had success in this new method. Kevin offered the solution of hiring an aid for my daycare business to allow me time for other things, but he has said this is depended on our budget. I have decided that we will implement this plan of action because I need it for myself. We will have to make it work in our budget. In addition to this, I have also decided to hire a babysitter on my yoga nights while Kevin is at his football practice to make sure Savannah gets to bed at a decent hour for the upcoming school year. Funny thing is, my fear and anger didn't even let me process the fact that Kevin won't even be home to help out on Tuesday and Thursday nights. The issue of getting Savannah to bed at a particular hour was not very important to Kevin, but I've realized that I must make my own solutions for the issues that are important to me regardless of the discomfort I think it will cause Kevin. I calmly told Kevin how I am going to address this issue, and to my surprise he thought that was a good idea! I even have a babysitter lined up for next week already!

After coming out on the other side, I finally understand what the counselor was talking about that "growth is uncomfortable". I was not very comfortable these last couple weeks, but it was part of the process necessary for change. And I do deserve to be less stressed, I just need to find acceptable ways to fix the problems and let Kevin worry about his discomfort that may result from that. After all this, I feel fortunate to know that Kevin is still very much committed to our family, marriage, and me and is open to ideas to help make my life easier.

I should feel like I deserve...

I met with a counselor last night, and I feel very melancholy today. I'm having myself a little pity party. I usually resist the urge to shower myself with one of these, but today I haven't had the motivation to resist. I apologize in advance for my scattered mumblings below.

I've been told that I should change the way I'm thinking from "I should do..." to "I deserve..." This is starting to become a reoccurring theme. My mother told me something similar last week.

This way of thinking is completely alien to me. I think I know the things that I deserve, but that doesn't mean I will get them. Why concentrate on what I deserve when it could be a fruitless effort? Why set myself up for unrealistic expectations and disappointment? I see it working like "fairness" in a way. As children we can remember telling our parents, "that's not fair", and you would hear the retort, "well life isn't fair". I never understood that concept until I was an adult. Life isn't fair, but you have to make the most out of what you have and the obstacles in your way. Just like fairness, deserving and reality are two very different things.

Maybe that's why it's hard for me to make the transition from "I should do..." to "I deserve..."

There are lots of things in life that I deserve, but are completely out of my control for obtaining. For example, I deserved to have my healthy living babies with me, but we saw what happened there... I also feel I must live with some of the choices I've made - that it's too late to turn back, and I may never get what I deserve (yes that is sufficiently vague for a reason).

Besides, who decides who deserves what? Do we all as human beings deserve the same things? Is there a sliding scale based on how good a person you are? Is there a grocery list of items that we all deserve? If so, where is this list, and how come I don't know about it?

My experiences have reinforced that the only things you have in life are the ones you "work" for. If you're not doing something to work towards that goal (as you should be doing), how can you get what you deserve? You make your own happiness in life, it's not going to just be handed to you on a silver platter just because you deserve it.

I find myself being resentful of people who seem to get the things they "deserve" without any effort. It seems so unfair to me (yes, I know life isn't fair), that they can get what they deserve without working for it as hard as I do. And yet, it seems no matter how hard I work, I can't get the things I deserve.

The counselor also informed me that growth is uncomfortable. I didn't realize until half-way through the session that I'm supposed to be growing here. I just hope it doesn't turn into the same disappointments I've faced in the past.

I feel guilty indulging myself in such self pity. I have lots to be thankful for in my life - a healthy child, a committed spouse, a nice house, a steady income. There are lots of people far less better off. Shouldn't I just be thankful for the good things I have in life instead of thinking about what I deserve (yes, I know this goes against the way I should be thinking - argg! there I go again!)

I realize I should (there's that word again) make an effort try out this new way of thought. Let's practice even if it doesn't feel genuine... I deserve to feel that I deserve to live with less stress and more happiness. Now, that wasn't so bad. Next step it to start working on making it feel real...

Due Date

Well, today is Garrett's should-have-been/would-have-been due date. The events leading up to this outcome are ones I didn't expected but certainly feared.

In an alternate reality, I probably would be home with Garrett already. The doctors would have suggested that I be induced early, and I would have consented being fearful of a repeat unexplained stillbirth. I would have balled my eyes out with relief upon seeing our healthy, living baby boy. I should be exhausted, bleeding, resting, and recovering from the birth right now.

But instead we had an unexplained abruption far too early for his little brain to handle at 23 weeks. Instead of bringing home a baby this weekend, I brought home his matted and framed hospital death certificate. I'm still exhausted, not able to rest like I should, fully recovered (at least physically), and don't have any visible remnants of the pregnancy remaining. In fact, I'm in better shape than I was prior to any of my pregnancies (thanks to the daycare and yoga - which has been very healing BTW).

Moving forward, I tell myself that I can finally stop thinking, "It shouldn't be this way. I should still be pregnant!" But instead my thoughts move towards, "It shouldn't be this way! We should have 3 healthy children at home."

Will I ever be able to let go of that idea? Is that what grieving is about - accepting what cannot be? I don't feel I will ever be able to accept that I lost my babies, but I have and am still learning to live with the sorrow that comes from that loss. Will I be an old woman and still feel the ache in my heart? It saddens me to know that will probably be the case.

butterfly emerges and retreat ideas

I went outside this morning to check on the last remaining cocoon, and to my delight, the butterfly had emerged and was waiting for his wings to dry!



As you can tell by the picture, the caterpillars have indeed striped my vine bare. They even began eating the sheathing around the stems. Most of the caterpillars have died because there is no food source left, so maybe it's a self correcting problem. I have been trying to be as "hands off" as possible so as to let nature take its intended course. We will see if the vine grows back after the abuse it took.

I also spoke with my yoga instructor today seeking advice on the retreat. She has put these things on in the past, and she suggested that we have a theme around the different activities offered. I'm thinking that our theme should be "toolbox for healing". Although "toolbox" sounds too masculine to me, maybe "ingredients for healing" or "recipes for healing". We'll have to work on that one, but she suggested that we focus our efforts around having activities and resources that people can take with them to continue the healing process after they go home.

I thought that was a great idea because everyone grieves differently and needs different ways to cope. I would like to give people different tools to choose from to help facilitate the process, hence the "toolbox for healing". I also think sharing your story and describing your emotions can be very healing for most women, so I also want to give plenty of time for women to just share the details and feelings of their experiences.

She also had a thought that crossed my mind as well - maybe we can get some of the area hospitals to help sponsor the event helping to reduce the cost. I'm definitely getting more excited about the retreat, and have plenty food for thought for now!

What are your thoughts out there in blog-land?

Retreat?

Last week I ran across this post about an infant loss retreat on this blog I'm following. (BTW, check it out when you get a chance. She's a great writer with a dark sense of humor. She says all the stuff I'd love to say but am afraid to or not witty enough to think of.)

After reading the details, I was so excited and so very much wanted to go. I was even willing to purchase a plane ticket to Seattle on top of the $200-$300 for the retreat until I realized that I could possibly be pregnant at that time in October. My heart sank a little bit because I'm not willing to travel during my next pregnancies, and I've realized recently that I'm needing to be around people who truly understand the emotions I'm going through. I don't know if this is the next stage in my grieving or me slipping into some sort of mental illness, but I need to be around people who will allow me to talk as much as I want to about my experiences and my babies. The urge to talk about it in or out of context is so strong that I can't and don't want to control it sometimes (although there never really seems a time that the topic is out of context to me because everything seems to be a reminder recently). I've restrained myself as much as I can, but I'm not always successful or motivated to do so. I need to be able to talk as much as I need to without feeling guilty that I'm boring somebody or rubbing it in their face or ruining their good time. I need to talk to people who completely understand and want to hear my story even if I repeat the same details over and over like some pitiful, pathetic, mad woman.

Now, I should feel fortunate because since my losses I've randomly met two women who have been through similar situations. We've talked about our experiences, and I think we've bonded in a way that only women who have been through this can. It is refreshing to hear someone else's story and realize that they had and have the same emotions that you're having. You feel vindicated that you're not going crazy. When you start having thoughts and feelings that they described to you that you didn't fully understand at the time, you know that you are not alone in your grief when you start having those same thoughts. While this has been healing in a way, life does continue to go on, and you can't just go grab a cup of coffee and talk to your hearts content at the drop of a hat. I can see how having a weekend to get all these thoughts and feelings out might help one to feel more sane when you're around others who haven't been through the same experiences.

The work of grieving can be so isolating as well. However as women (like this one at mamapedia.com) we feel the need to share our experiences and talk with others who have been through the same thing. An event that lets you be with other women who have been through exactly what you have been through can be very healing.

Well, I had the bright idea this past weekend of putting on a retreat closer to home. I feel a little intimidated by the idea of organizing something like this, but how hard can it be, right? (I hope I'm not in over my head here...) When I first ran across the post about the retreat, I forwarded it to my friend Kimber who was very interested in it as well, but her daughter's birthday is that same weekend. I spoke with her on Monday asking if she'd like to help me organize it, and she said she had the same idea. I have some contacts with retreat organizing experience and services and even have a location in mind we might be able to use. I see this as a real possibility, and it makes me excited to be a part of something like this! My main concern is how do we get the word out and drum up the attendance we need to hold our little retreat? So this is the first place I'm starting. If you are reading this from "Blog Land" and would be interested in said retreat near the DFW or Southern Oklahoma area post a comment or shoot me an email at tigerlily.marie@gmail.com. Thanks and I hope to hear from you!

Cars and Butterflies

I am very happy to report that we have a second car again! Yay! Thank you to everyone who has given and offered rides in the past and would have done so in the future. I'm very relieved that we don't have to depend on other people for rides anymore and that I have more freedom again! This will also greatly simplify and relieve stress on days when I have doctor appointments.

I also went out and checked my butterflies yesterday and noticed that some of the butterflies have emerged from their cocoons. I even noticed a visiting butterfly this morning. I estimate that it took about a week for them to morph. I'm disappointed I missed it, but there is currently one cocoon left and lots more caterpillars still on the vine. I just hope they don't strip my vine bare!

Now onto the next item of business - getting pregnant!

Preconception visit

We went for our very first preconception visit today. Funny thing is that even though I have been pregnant 3 times before, I never attended a preconception appointment. Coincidentally, we were always able to get pregnant before scheduling the appointment. So this time, I thought I'd do it the way it was supposed to be done (visualize me rolling my eyes in a sarcastic gesture).

It was relatively uneventful. Dr. O (O for Obstetrician) did recommend I start taking a low dose aspirin from here on out for the MTHFR thrombophilia even while pregnant. So we stopped at a drug store on the way home and picked up a bottle.

But before our return trip home, we all made a stop at the Magic Time Machine for dinner since we were in the general vicinity. Savannah has been asking to go there for the past couple weeks, so we decided to surprise her with a visit. Nana and Papa joined us since they were gracious enough to give me a ride to the appointment (we only have one car currently, hopefully to be remedied shortly).

I thought it would be funny to share the following dialog that took place while Nana and Papa were entertaining Savannah during our appointment.

"Nana, I'm hungry. Can I have some more cookies?"
"No, sweetheart, we need to wait because we're going to get dinner soon right after mommy and daddy are done."
"Nana, where are we going?"
"That's a secret."
"You can tell me! I won't tell anyone!"

Here is a funny picture they took of all of us while we were eating. Those of you that know us IRL will appreciate it more fully. I know it's a simple photoshop job to swap faces, but it still gives me a chuckle to look at it. (Yes, I am easily entertained with simple pleasures... hehe)

Distractions

My parents were kind enough to fly in from out of town at my request over the holiday weekend. It was a last minute request, and I am so thankful to them for spending the money and making the time to do so. I hated having to ask, but I felt I needed their presence to help sustain me during this time as my would-be due date approaches.

And true to form, my mother and I kept ourselves distracted and busy with various projects and tasks.

First item on the agenda included checking on our caterpillars! We went out on Friday and discovered our first cocoon. This picture is from Saturday when we found about 3 more.



Next we payed a visit to the local Hobby Lobby, and I enlisted my mom's help with deciding on framing choices for Garrett's hospital certificate and memorial card. We framed Sierra's along with some feet impressions after her passing, and even though it looks like I'm starting a collection of deceased baby memorabilia, I feel he deserves the same. Hopefully, this will be the last piece in this very sad collection.

The last order of business included replacing some dead plants in our little memorial garden, and here are the fruits of our labors.





After this very busy weekend I still feel heavy with sorrow. Even though distractions can be helpful with getting through one day to the next, it can make it difficult to actually deal with the emotions you're experiencing. After this weekend was all said and done, the oppressive sadness and stress are still there.

I've decided to seek out a support group or counselor to help me process the emotions I'm going through right now. My husband mentioned last night that he is looking into purchasing a cheap second car for us, and that will help relieve a lot of the logistical problems with making the meetings or appointments. I hope we can make it work because I think that will relieve a lot of my stress! I hate having to ask other people for help and assistance. I feel I'm taking advantage if I don't have something to offer in return. It would certainly make it a lot easier to make doctor appointments once I get pregnant again!

Mama Butterfly

I went outside this evening to check on my caterpillars, and the mama butterfly decided to stop by for a visit! After a few minutes of watching her, I realized I should grab my camera. So I ran inside hoping she wasn't done visiting and was able to get some pictures. Now I must warn you that I am by no means a professional, and I did figure out how to take that annoying date stamp off!

I also read online that she lays one egg at a time. Here is a picture of some of her eggs. They are the yellow dots you see on the leaf.

Definitely a case of raging PMS

I got the call back from my doctor's office, and the pregnancy test came back negative. I think Aunt Flow has also finally decided to pay me a visit. We will see if she decides to stay for the next couple days.

I have definitely been more emotional, but maybe my hormones are still trying to adjust after the end of the pregnancy.

I'm not really happy or sad after knowing the truth - just relieved to know! It looks like it was just a case of raging PMS. Shwooo, glad that's over for now!

-- Post From My iPhone

A fun discovery in the midst of waiting

I went to the doctor today to have some blood drawn so they could determine if I'm pregnant or not. Aunt Flow has decided to delay her arrival further. The urine test at the doctor's office came back negative, and we will get the results from the blood test tomorrow morning.

I have been nervous about what the results could mean. If I am pregnant, is everything okay with the pregnancy? Why isn't a urine pregnancy test coming back positive? If I'm not pregnant, where the heck is my period? Am I broken? I can't get pregnant again without my cycles working properly!

The wait has been excruciating, and I have been trying to keep myself busy to make the time go by quicker and to ease the anxiety. In the midst of the anxiety, I discovered something fun this evening that has helped to provide some distraction.

Last week I went out to check our little memorial garden we planted in honor of Sierra and Garrett, and I noticed these strange little bugs on the passion vine. They were orange-ish in color and had black hairy spines all over their bodies. They looked very menacing, and I was instantly alarmed. It took me a moment to realize that they were probably caterpillars!

I was a little concerned that they might be a type of pest, so I went out again tonight to see how my vine was fairing and some of the caterpillars had doubled in size, I counted about 20 of them, and they were actively eating MY leaves! I decided to put modern technology to the test and Googled "caterpillars of North Texas". I was easily able to determine that these are Gulf Fritillary caterpillars and live only on the passion vine plant. Apparently, no other bugs can really eat these leaves except this caterpillar and other similar caterpillars, and the plant should be able to easily withstand the pruning session.

At Garrett's memorial, we released butterflies in his and Sierra's honor and planted this passion vine in the hopes of attracting butterflies. The lady at the nursery suggested this plant when we asked what might attract butterflies. I expected some lazy, flighty butterflies to float on by for a drink of nectar, sitting here or there, and flying off again. It completely goes against my expectations that these butterflies would start off as caterpillars on my plant! Even though this isn't what I expected, this is certainly more fun and has more significance! Our little passion vine is helping to grow a family of baby butterflies!

Here is a picture of what the butterflies will look like. We should have cocoons shortly! How exciting! Maybe there isn't enough excitement in my life (or maybe there's too much), but watching these little guys is such a fun way to pass the time!

Follow-up

I feel the need this evening to follow up my last posts with some thoughts.

I read here that, "Approximately 44% of the population is heterozygous and another approximate 12% are homozygous for the MTHFR mutation." That seems like an awfully large percentage to me, and I doubt that many women have had the problems I've had. Maybe there are other factors in this MTHFR mutation that cause pregnancy loss that we just don't understand yet.

I also read on the March of Dimes site that, "There are no good estimates on the number of affected individuals in this country." I also read here that they won't even offer to test you for thrombophilias unless you've had a past blood clot (which I did not), or, "...a history of pregnancy complications, including two or more miscarriages, stillbirth or placental abruption due to undetermined causes," (which I obviously had). It's so sad though that I had to loose even one of our babies before tests would even be ordered to make this diagnosis. I know research is being done, and I hope someday soon there can be an easy way to screen all women for these potential complications.

Also, with the more that I read I am feeling more confident that it is the thrombophilia that caused the deaths of our babies. March of Dimes says that, "The thrombophilias also may contribute to pregnancy complications including fetal loss and placental abruption," (which I had one of each). I also learned that, "Pulmonary embolus is the leading cause of maternal death in the United States," and, "studies suggest that up to 80 percent of pregnant women who develop a pulmonary embolus or other VTE (venous thromboembolism) have an underlying thrombophilia." I would do anything for my children if it means saving their lives and nothing can make up for their deaths in my opinion, but maybe their deaths weren't completely in vain. Maybe with the awareness of my diagnosis due to their demise, they may have helped prevent my death caused by a VTE or pulmonary embolism. This is a rather morbid thought, but I know that even though we have been profoundly affected by the deaths of our babies, I know that my death would have a harsher impact on more people.

I would also like to say that maybe I was hasty in being so critical of my perinatologist on her not suggesting the Folgard (super duper folic acid and B complex vitamins) initially. Maybe I should take responsibility and view it more as a partnership and be glad that I found someone who is willing to take my concerns seriously rather than just dictating treatment especially with something that appears to be a new field of study. I have always considered myself an educated consumer, but paradoxically I have always struggled with being assertive in my concerns. I am always so concerned about offending someone, but I am learning to look out for my own best interest and the interests of my family. And I feel I made a big step in that direction today by educating myself and expressing my concerns to my doctor.

Waiting for Wednesday

I called my doctor today regarding the delayed arrival of Aunt Flow. I will be going in Wednesday morning for a blood test to see if I'm pregnant. The urine test this morning came back negative again. I don't know how long it will take to get the results back, but you can be sure I will ask!

I also called my perinatologist regarding checking my homocysteine levels and a possible increase in my folic acid intake from the normal prenatal amounts. She said that it is her experience that even with normal homocysteine levels, you can still have problems, so she didn't think it was necessary to check my levels since we are already going to do the blood thinners.

She did think it was a good idea to increase my folic acid intake and called in a prescription for the super duper supplement. This is what I wanted anyway, so I didn't push the homocysteine issue. But my confidence has been lowered since I feel she should have thought of this initially. I'm not a medical professional; I can't be relied upon to think and research everything! Needless to say, I'm a little disappointed.

I also mentioned to her that we flew the day before I started bleeding and maybe that started everything in motion. She may be trying to alleviate some of my guilt, but said it probably didn't. But I'm still not going to take any chances next time!


-- Post From My iPhone

MTHFR and flying

I ran across an interesting discussion board post this weekend that gave me chills (not the good kind). It was a lady discussing a similar clotting condition to mine but hers is more severe.

Bear with me while I provide some background on this particular clotting disorder.

I had a DNS analysis performed on the MTHFR (methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase) gene a while back. When they perform the analysis, they are concerned with two different DNS sequence mutations - C677T and A1298C. It was determined that I am heterozygous for the A1298C mutation.

You receive chromosomes from both your mother and father when you are conceived, and both copies make up your genes. I received the mutation from either my mother or father, but only one faulty copy making me heterozygous as opposed to homozygous (two alike copies). You are not at increased risk for vascular diseases when you only have one of this particular copy, and I do not have the C677T mutation. Some individuals can be homozygous for both mutations, increasing their risk of vascular disease substantially.

From the research I've done online, this mutation can affect the amount of homocysteine in your body. It is the increase in homocysteine that can lead to an elevated risk for clots and vascular disease. But more applicable to pregnancy it can also interfere with B complex vitamin absorption and cause clots. Clots during pregnancy can interfere with how well the placenta works. As you may know the placenta is the baby's lifeline, and any interference can jepordize the baby's life unexpectedly and quickly.

Folic acid and the other B complex vitamins are important supplements to have before and during pregnancy to decrease risk of neural tube defects and other birth defects. Often times, women with elevated levels of homocysteine are prescribed blood thinners and special vitamins with huge amounts of the B complex vitamins to decrease homocysteine levels and increase the amount of the vitamins available in their bodies. This is to help reduce the risk of clots and birth defects.

I'm not sure why they don't screen for this with every woman who wants to be or is pregnant. It would seem like a simple way to reduce the risk of complications and fetal deaths. But I don't know enough about it to speculate on how common place or rare it may be, and it maybe a new field of study.

Another issue with clotting disorders (or thrombophilia) is that certain things can increase your risk for blood clots - birth control pills, sedentary activities, and flying in an airplane being the foremost on my mind.

The woman in the discussion board posted how she miscarried soon after flying. After I read this, my mind went back to how we had just come back from our trip to New Orleans in which we flew. We had arrived back home on Saturday, and Garrett was born the following Tuesday. I don't think this is coincidence considering I also started bleeding that Sunday following.

During my consult appointment with my perinatologist, I don't think I mentioned that we had just flew prior to the incident. I'm also thinking that my perinatologist did not check my homocysteine levels since this particular mutation is not supposed to affect that. But I am going to ask my doctor to check mine to make sure everything is kosher.

I also mentioned all this to my husband, and we were both in agreement that I will not be traveling next time I'm pregnant - no flying or road trips, period.

Results?

I feel like a little kid waiting for Christmas to arrive; well at this point hoping that it doesn't arrive if we're talking about Aunt Flow.

I woke up this morning at about 4:40am, and I swear I honestly DID have to pee (which I take as another good sign that I could be pregnant). So I went to pee into a cup and got my handy dandy dip stick out. I busied myself with some mundane task after checking the time and waited for the results.

After about 5 minutes I didn't see any indication of a positive test, and the same after 10 minutes. But after about 20 minutes (which I remind you is after the 10 minute recommended viewing period), I did see an obviously faint line. My husband would probably look at me crazy for saying there is obviously a line since to see it at all you have to kinda squint your eyes, get it at the correct angle, and don't look at it directly; but it was there!

I realize I could be imagining lines here, and it did appear after the valid timeframe, so I feel my test is still inconclusive. I did check the expiration date on the tests, and they say 7-2010, so that shouldn't be a problem, but they are older tests...

I did use up my last super duper sensitive test, but if my period is already late I should also be able to get a positive result with any OTC test, but I guess that really all depends on how much hCG I'm making. So I'm going to try to get some more sleep and wait at least until the sun comes up so people don't look at me crazy and go pick up some more tests for tomorrow. Here's hoping, and I'll keep you posted!

-- Post From My iPhone

a case of raging PMS?

I have been feeling better since my last post. It's amazing how much better things look in the morning. I think the fact that I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other helps to get me out of those ruts. I don't have the option of just pulling the covers over my head and shutting the world out no matter how much I might want to sometimes.

I also suspect the extreme moodiness and weepyness might be related to being pregnant or raging PMS. I haven't missed my period yet, but I took one of those uber sensitive pregnancy tests I ordered online that I had left over from last time. It measures 10 mlU/hCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) which is one of the hormones produced when you're pregnant. The most sensitive you can get at the drug store will usually measure about 20 mlU/hCG.

Anyway, I took a test yesterday and today, and I swear I see a very faint line. It's so faint that I'm afraid I'm imagining it. You have to look at it cross-eyed to see it even! I know that it doesn't matter how dark the line is, if it's there you're pregnant. But I wouldn't bet the farm just yet because the line was most defintely more visible after the 10 minute recommended viewing period. So my brain doesn't want to believe it yet, but my heart does! Wouldn't it be so great to get pregnant so quickly without really even trying! I could skip the whole anxiously waiting prepregnancy anxiety stage!

I really want to be able to call my doctor and just have them do a blood test to check, but I'm trapped at home with the daycare. It's the only real frustration I have with the daycare - not being able to leave without extensive planning before hand. But if Aunt Flow hasn't arrived by Saturday, I'll take another test. I only have two left!

I'll keep you posted!

Fatigued

I've been rather surprised by the intensity of the emotions I've been feeling recently. I've noticed myself becoming more emotional as Garrett's should-have-been due date draws closer. I wasn't sure how I would react as the date approached, but my emotional reaction to the reminder of how things should be and what should have been has surprised me.

In the past, similar dates with Sierra did not trigger emotions this intense so I was all the more surprised. I know that these emotions are normal, but I can't help but think that I'm not handling it as well as I should. I also know this is an irrational thought not only due to my perfectionist personality but also because I am comparing it to the previous loss. I would imagine the fact that I'm going through this again only compounds the emotional reaction.

I am also noticing myself becoming emotionally tired and cursing my stoic attitude. I am tired of being strong and handling things so well. And I don't feel as if I've been handling things so well recently. My emotional muscles are becoming fatigued, and they need a break. But how do you get a break from grief and the painful reminders?

-- Post From My iPhone

food as an art form

I've always said that even though my daughter is the oldest child in my care, she is the messiest at meal times - messier even than the infant and toddler!

It might be because she brings a whole new meaning to "food as an art form"...

Everything happens for a reason...seriously?

Today I was talking with my daycare licensing rep over the phone. She knew I was pregnant previously and at the end of the conversation asked how the baby was growing. I explained to her that I had a placental abruption, that our baby was born early, and we had allowed him to pass naturally due to severe brain bleeding.

It's the typical short response I give people when they ask, and usually people react in a similar fashion. A look of concern or pity comes across their face or in their voice, and they usually say they are sorry for our loss.

However, not everyone has this reaction, and I'm starting to find it interesting to gauge people's reaction when I tell them the news. I have a hypothesis that their reaction might be a reflection of the type of person they are. I can't be sure of this, and much more testing is needed before I can make a determination. I don't have enough data to speculate on what that reflection might mean yet either...perhaps maturity level or religious conviction?

But I digress. After I told my rep the news, I don't remember exactly what she said, but she didn't seem too concerned (maybe that's because she's a state daycare licensing rep trained to harden her heart), but I do remember her saying "blah, blah, blah, everything happens for a reason, blah, blah, blah". I didn't respond to her comment. I just told her that we will be trying again soon for another one.

I refuse to think that these things happen for a reason. The dust of my grief has settled and my spiritual views have been changed. Everyone needs to come to peace with what they believe, and I have done just that. It was not an easy path, and I still feel sorrow over the loss of my "Santa Clause", but it is now impossible for me to put my faith in a God or an existence of one. Not only would I be incredibly angry at this Being for what we have had to endure needlessly, but this anger would fester and be an incredible burden to have to bear. I've talked a little about this before, but I've also come to terms with the fact that there probably isn't an after life as well.

That doesn't mean my life or the lives of others are meaningless. On the contrary, I am learning to derive my meaning from life itself rather than through the existence of the hereafter. I am learning to be thankful for all the simple pleasures in life. I am learning to value and appreciate life so much more and see that life itself can give value to life rather than a higher being providing that value. In fact I regretted killing a fly today because of this new view! That rather surprised me. I know the fly did not feel sorrow or pain, but it's existence was snuffed out before it's time. Granted it probably only had a day or two more to go, but still!

The simple fact that we exist is a miracle. Miracle is not the right word though as it has too much religious connotation. Our existence is the winning outcome in an incredible game of chance. Why can't we value life based solely on how unlikely it could have even happened? I have become more appreciative and awed by what I see in nature as a result of my new view, and it has made me a more serene and peaceful person knowing nature is not perfect and that accidents do happen arbitrarily rather than for a reason.

Busy, Busy, Busy!

"Busy, Busy, Busy," that is my new mantra.

This may sound absurd to some of the people that know me, but I came to the realization yesterday that I am a busy person. I wield a diaper and dishrag the same way corporate executives wield Blackberries and power suits. In fact, I may have less idle time than they do!

I didn't find myself frustrated after this realization, I felt proud for being able to keep it together and run things efficiently, and I gave myself a pat on the back.

I have always been limited on idle time, and I used to blame this on my husband. I've slowly realized it's not his fault, although granted if he did help out more it would leave me a little more idle time (and he has started helping out more which I am immensely grateful for), but I would still be short on idle time if he did help with the dishes, laundry, or cleaning toilets.

Unlike most corporate executives out there, I have a higher than average intelligence, and I know I will be able to win this rat race with my brains rather than "muscle". In fact, after my post about realizing I'm operating on a time deficit, my brain started to think of ways to arrange my evenings so I can have some downtime. I say "my brain" because I wasn't actively trying to find a solution, but it was kinda processing the problem in the background, and a solution presented itself.

I've already simplified things a lot prior to this realization, but I can also rearrange things so that I have enough sleep time on any given evening. But I've noticed that once I sit down at the computer (and work on stuff like this blog which incidentally will probably decrease to just one post a week after this), I loose track of time. I usually sit down to take a break, but that also means there are things left undone. Once I realize the late time, I start procrastinating because I don't want to do the work items and it starts getting really late, hence I've squandered some of my hard earned sleep time. So I've decided that I'm going to make the most out of this iPhone my husband talked me into getting. If an item on the computer can't be done on my iPhone or when the daycare kids are napping, it won't get done until the weekend. Also, if it's not important to me or someone I care about, it won't get done either, AND those things have to be prioritized accordingly. I have to treat my time like it's a valuable commodity and stop wasting it on things that don't add value to my life or the people in it.