I should feel like I deserve...

I met with a counselor last night, and I feel very melancholy today. I'm having myself a little pity party. I usually resist the urge to shower myself with one of these, but today I haven't had the motivation to resist. I apologize in advance for my scattered mumblings below.

I've been told that I should change the way I'm thinking from "I should do..." to "I deserve..." This is starting to become a reoccurring theme. My mother told me something similar last week.

This way of thinking is completely alien to me. I think I know the things that I deserve, but that doesn't mean I will get them. Why concentrate on what I deserve when it could be a fruitless effort? Why set myself up for unrealistic expectations and disappointment? I see it working like "fairness" in a way. As children we can remember telling our parents, "that's not fair", and you would hear the retort, "well life isn't fair". I never understood that concept until I was an adult. Life isn't fair, but you have to make the most out of what you have and the obstacles in your way. Just like fairness, deserving and reality are two very different things.

Maybe that's why it's hard for me to make the transition from "I should do..." to "I deserve..."

There are lots of things in life that I deserve, but are completely out of my control for obtaining. For example, I deserved to have my healthy living babies with me, but we saw what happened there... I also feel I must live with some of the choices I've made - that it's too late to turn back, and I may never get what I deserve (yes that is sufficiently vague for a reason).

Besides, who decides who deserves what? Do we all as human beings deserve the same things? Is there a sliding scale based on how good a person you are? Is there a grocery list of items that we all deserve? If so, where is this list, and how come I don't know about it?

My experiences have reinforced that the only things you have in life are the ones you "work" for. If you're not doing something to work towards that goal (as you should be doing), how can you get what you deserve? You make your own happiness in life, it's not going to just be handed to you on a silver platter just because you deserve it.

I find myself being resentful of people who seem to get the things they "deserve" without any effort. It seems so unfair to me (yes, I know life isn't fair), that they can get what they deserve without working for it as hard as I do. And yet, it seems no matter how hard I work, I can't get the things I deserve.

The counselor also informed me that growth is uncomfortable. I didn't realize until half-way through the session that I'm supposed to be growing here. I just hope it doesn't turn into the same disappointments I've faced in the past.

I feel guilty indulging myself in such self pity. I have lots to be thankful for in my life - a healthy child, a committed spouse, a nice house, a steady income. There are lots of people far less better off. Shouldn't I just be thankful for the good things I have in life instead of thinking about what I deserve (yes, I know this goes against the way I should be thinking - argg! there I go again!)

I realize I should (there's that word again) make an effort try out this new way of thought. Let's practice even if it doesn't feel genuine... I deserve to feel that I deserve to live with less stress and more happiness. Now, that wasn't so bad. Next step it to start working on making it feel real...