A ray of sunshine after the storm

These past two weeks have been really rough on me. I haven't felt this down in the dumps for a long time - not since I was treated for clinical depression back in 2002. You may think that's odd considering I've had to go through two tragic events since then, but the feelings I had the past two weeks were different. I felt hopeless, helpless, and angry. When we lost our babies, I had and still have hope that we will be able to have more children. It was and is very painful to have lost our babies, but the hope helps to sustain me through the dark times.

I haven't blogged about what's been going on specifically the last two weeks because it was too raw and fresh for me to be able to do so. But I am finally seeing the light at the end of the very dark tunnel.

My husband and I got into an argument two weeks ago. Without going into too much detail, it was one of those age-old arguments about him helping out more to help relieve my stress. What initiated all of this was the fact that I was ovulating that day and feeling particularly scared about my current stress level along with bringing another baby into the picture without any sense of security that I would be able to handle it. I prodded my husband (not in the best way) for the answers I wanted - his willingness to help out more. I didn't get the answers I needed, and we ended up missing our opportunity at the ovulation period. I told him I didn't want to invest the emotional or physical time in another high risk pregnancy if my stress level is not going to be relieved. I wasn't trying to use this as a threat - just a simple statement of fact.

I knew I would have lots of fears once I was pregnant, but I never thought I would be one who was actually afraid of getting pregnant, and that is exactly what happened to me.

I found myself particularly down because this had changed how I viewed our marriage. I definitely want more children, but I was and am unwilling to do so at the expense of my own self. I looked to my husband for the answers I was seeking and did not find them. It made me question our marriage and our life together especially if I was going to have more kids with this man. And I couldn't see a way through this problem.

Then I went to the counselor last week and we talked about this argument and my fear of getting pregnant. The loss of our babies has created all this new baggage that I'm carrying around that is getting in the way of us getting pregnant now (at least that's how I view it), but we also have an underlying issue that has been there since the start.

You can read some of my thoughts on our past session on my previous blog post. She also recommended a book, The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. I started reading it yesterday, and have taken great comfort and have a new sense of hope about our situation.

When we have had problems in our marriage, I have had the view that I can only control myself. When we had differing opinions on a matter, I would go along with what Kevin wanted to do and stuff the angry feelings down and keep trudging along at the same old ragged stressful pace. I would go along for the sake of the marriage and for peace in our household at the expense of myself. You can't keep that anger bottled up indefinitely; it will inevitable come spilling out in one form or another without productive results (as most assuredly happened with me). Besides that, I would still secretly wish and hope that Kevin would "see the light" and come around to my way of thinking.

What this book has showed me is that I have been sacrificing my identity to insulate any discomfort to Kevin and ultimately for the sake of our marriage. While I was correct in my view that you can only control yourself, I was going about it the wrong way. I should have been protecting my sense of self and refused to compromise on issues important to me. I should have put more faith in my marriage and in Kevin, and allowed it to be tested regardless if it caused discomfort to Kevin. The anger I have on particular issues is there for a reason. It alerts you that something is not in balance, but I should have directed it towards a different solution rather than trying to change Kevin's point of view.

I am pleased to report that I have already had success in this new method. Kevin offered the solution of hiring an aid for my daycare business to allow me time for other things, but he has said this is depended on our budget. I have decided that we will implement this plan of action because I need it for myself. We will have to make it work in our budget. In addition to this, I have also decided to hire a babysitter on my yoga nights while Kevin is at his football practice to make sure Savannah gets to bed at a decent hour for the upcoming school year. Funny thing is, my fear and anger didn't even let me process the fact that Kevin won't even be home to help out on Tuesday and Thursday nights. The issue of getting Savannah to bed at a particular hour was not very important to Kevin, but I've realized that I must make my own solutions for the issues that are important to me regardless of the discomfort I think it will cause Kevin. I calmly told Kevin how I am going to address this issue, and to my surprise he thought that was a good idea! I even have a babysitter lined up for next week already!

After coming out on the other side, I finally understand what the counselor was talking about that "growth is uncomfortable". I was not very comfortable these last couple weeks, but it was part of the process necessary for change. And I do deserve to be less stressed, I just need to find acceptable ways to fix the problems and let Kevin worry about his discomfort that may result from that. After all this, I feel fortunate to know that Kevin is still very much committed to our family, marriage, and me and is open to ideas to help make my life easier.