Time to Get Away

We went to our scheduled counseling appointment yesterday. At first, I wasn't sure if this person was completely off or a genius, but I'm coming around to the notion that she has us pegged pretty well.

We talked about the miscarriage in progress and what we're doing to comfort ourselves right now. It goes without saying that it is painful for me. But I'm sure most men are like my husband and don't feel the need to be comforted. It's not socially acceptable for a man to hurt during such an event. After all, they aren't the one who is physically pregnant. In my more naive, less loss-tarnished days, I used to believe that it was silly for women to say, "we're pregnant," since the man does not have to bear the physical load. But I've realized that attitude is just buying into the damaging attitude encouraged by western society and encourages men to deny themselves to be witnessed becoming emotionally involved.

When I'm pregnant now, I say, "we're pregnant," and when we've lost babies or pregnancies, I say, "we had a miscarriage," or, "we lost a baby." My husband has contributed more than just half the DNA. Aside from the fact that these have been his children too, his actions and decisions also helped lay the foundation to support the children that would have resulted from these pregnancies. He has let my needs and desires influence his decisions so that I can mother our offspring in the way I most feel comfortable. While my husband would argue that emotions don't play a factor for him making a decision, I argue that it does involve an emotional investment - just as deciding and becoming pregnant involves an emotional investment by both parties. It's akin to placing the next to last piece in a puzzle we've worked so long to complete. Who can deny becoming excited at the prospect of completing the puzzle with the children you anticipate, and then being disappointed when the last puzzle piece gets snatched away? Now I know that men don't see things surrounding our losses the same way us women do. But aside from this, men have been told to deny and repress their disappointment and pain to avert the risk of being seen as weak or inferior. I don't know what the answer is, but it is a sad state of affairs.

Anyway, enough about my soapbox and my husband's repressed emotional pain. Our counselor suggested taking some time for a vacation to recoup and recover. I've noticed myself starting to develop a love/hate relationship with the daycare. I take great pride in my exceptional program and the quality of care I provide, but I am becoming resentful that I cannot take a break right now when I most need it. I only closed for 6 days with the help of an aide when I had the abruption in March. It is starting to take it's toll. I have heard of other people taking vacations after such losses and longed to do the same. But I never let myself consider the idea.

To better understand how I operate, you need to understand that I am a perfectionist. I tell people that does NOT make me perfect. It only means I'm exceptionally hard on myself when something is not done the way I think it should be done. It is an exhausting way to live. Hence the reason my counselor is encouraging me to change my thoughts from, "I should," to, "I deserve." It must be working because I kept telling my husband, "I deserve cake right now!" He thought it was ludicrous, but my counselor thought it was good progress. In either case it has been an ongoing joke the last 3 days and will probably result in the gain of 10 pounds.

But aside from whether I deserve cake or not, we both deserve a vacation to recoup from our loss and agreed to take one just the two of us. I am becoming excited at the prospect of getting away from life's daily demand. Now to decide where...


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