Due Date

Well, today is Garrett's should-have-been/would-have-been due date. The events leading up to this outcome are ones I didn't expected but certainly feared.

In an alternate reality, I probably would be home with Garrett already. The doctors would have suggested that I be induced early, and I would have consented being fearful of a repeat unexplained stillbirth. I would have balled my eyes out with relief upon seeing our healthy, living baby boy. I should be exhausted, bleeding, resting, and recovering from the birth right now.

But instead we had an unexplained abruption far too early for his little brain to handle at 23 weeks. Instead of bringing home a baby this weekend, I brought home his matted and framed hospital death certificate. I'm still exhausted, not able to rest like I should, fully recovered (at least physically), and don't have any visible remnants of the pregnancy remaining. In fact, I'm in better shape than I was prior to any of my pregnancies (thanks to the daycare and yoga - which has been very healing BTW).

Moving forward, I tell myself that I can finally stop thinking, "It shouldn't be this way. I should still be pregnant!" But instead my thoughts move towards, "It shouldn't be this way! We should have 3 healthy children at home."

Will I ever be able to let go of that idea? Is that what grieving is about - accepting what cannot be? I don't feel I will ever be able to accept that I lost my babies, but I have and am still learning to live with the sorrow that comes from that loss. Will I be an old woman and still feel the ache in my heart? It saddens me to know that will probably be the case.