Relax!

I have been incredibly lazy this last month since the miscarriage started (well, as lazy as you can be when you still have a business to run and a child and family to look after). Even though it has been justified laziness, I still find myself feeling guilt and anxiety about taking time to relax.

I recently hired an aide on a permanent and full-time basis to assist with my daycare business when I originally started to have the miscarriage. We had already decided to hire an aide to help with work-life balance, but the time frame got bumped up with the onset of the bleeding.

I must say it has been working out very well, so well in fact that I find myself feeling anxiety over having spare time. I keep going over the chores I did that day to make sure I'm not forgetting something critical. If I take time to do something enjoyable, I feel anxiety and guilt. Yesterday I put my aide in charge and left early to meet my husband for a late afternoon movie, but I kept feeling the anxiety creeping up on me. However, I do think there's hope for me to be able to "be in the moment" (as my counselor calls it). After several sessions of ignoring the anxiety and feeling it creep back up, I started to get angry, because I deserve to have time to relax untarnished by guilt or anxiety and bygod no imagined opinions of others is going to ruin my good time!

I oftentimes irrationally and incorrectly project what others' judgements of my behavior will be, and usually it is not a positive prediction. Why do I care anymore? Why am I still holding onto that unproductive way of thinking? Why is it so hard to let it go? Why should I care? I deserve to be free of that baggage! Shouldn't the fact that I've proven my worth and value and shown my strength through adversity negate my desire to feel validated by others? Isn't it enough for me to know it myself? If I've already proven it to myself, why do I feel the need to make everyone else aware as well? I don't have the answers yet, but maybe someday I won't care about those particular questions.

Anyway in the meantime, please help support my need for acceptance by voting for me HERE to win a trip to NYC. Vote everyday until September 14th!