Today I was talking with my daycare licensing rep over the phone. She knew I was pregnant previously and at the end of the conversation asked how the baby was growing. I explained to her that I had a placental abruption, that our baby was born early, and we had allowed him to pass naturally due to severe brain bleeding.
It's the typical short response I give people when they ask, and usually people react in a similar fashion. A look of concern or pity comes across their face or in their voice, and they usually say they are sorry for our loss.
However, not everyone has this reaction, and I'm starting to find it interesting to gauge people's reaction when I tell them the news. I have a hypothesis that their reaction might be a reflection of the type of person they are. I can't be sure of this, and much more testing is needed before I can make a determination. I don't have enough data to speculate on what that reflection might mean yet either...perhaps maturity level or religious conviction?
But I digress. After I told my rep the news, I don't remember exactly what she said, but she didn't seem too concerned (maybe that's because she's a state daycare licensing rep trained to harden her heart), but I do remember her saying "blah, blah, blah, everything happens for a reason, blah, blah, blah". I didn't respond to her comment. I just told her that we will be trying again soon for another one.
I refuse to think that these things happen for a reason. The dust of my grief has settled and my spiritual views have been changed. Everyone needs to come to peace with what they believe, and I have done just that. It was not an easy path, and I still feel sorrow over the loss of my "Santa Clause", but it is now impossible for me to put my faith in a God or an existence of one. Not only would I be incredibly angry at this Being for what we have had to endure needlessly, but this anger would fester and be an incredible burden to have to bear. I've talked a little about this before, but I've also come to terms with the fact that there probably isn't an after life as well.
That doesn't mean my life or the lives of others are meaningless. On the contrary, I am learning to derive my meaning from life itself rather than through the existence of the hereafter. I am learning to be thankful for all the simple pleasures in life. I am learning to value and appreciate life so much more and see that life itself can give value to life rather than a higher being providing that value. In fact I regretted killing a fly today because of this new view! That rather surprised me. I know the fly did not feel sorrow or pain, but it's existence was snuffed out before it's time. Granted it probably only had a day or two more to go, but still!
The simple fact that we exist is a miracle. Miracle is not the right word though as it has too much religious connotation. Our existence is the winning outcome in an incredible game of chance. Why can't we value life based solely on how unlikely it could have even happened? I have become more appreciative and awed by what I see in nature as a result of my new view, and it has made me a more serene and peaceful person knowing nature is not perfect and that accidents do happen arbitrarily rather than for a reason.
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This was an observation of mine a while back too and it does create interesting conflict of feelings. On the one hand, there is appreciation for their thoughts and sympathy. On the other is a feeling best described as perplexed frustration and intellectual irritation.
ReplyDeleteA well-meaning person will say one of these, in all regards meant to provide solace. However, the things said also reveal that they didn't think about it at all, they're just repeating what they've always heard in similar circumstances through their life - it's easy to tell because the things make no sense!
Let's all pretend we don't have a "Oft-Repeated-Christian-Sympathy-Phrase-Signifying-Little" Captain Crunch decoder ring for a second and take some of these things and actually think through what they mean...
So, all things happen for a reason, smart guy? Please explain what reason could possibly justify this? Any way to balance the scales, at all and make it right? Is there any scenario in which applying INTENT to such a tragedy makes it BETTER?
Honestly, given two equal personal tragedies, which would make you more angry:
1) Husband is killed at work because office building is hit by a tornado and he was unable to get out in time.
2) Husband is killed at work because of suicide terrorists intended, plotted, planned, and succeeded in blowing up his office building with an explosive device.
Both are clear tragedies for this family, but in one of these someone is clearly culpable, clearly at fault. That is the difference of INTENT. Intent creates culpability, and that means if are saying God acted with intent, then you are equally saying God is at FAULT.
I simply don't prescribe that ANY reason justifies such a tragedy, none at all, period. Whether you're a terrorist, Odin, Zeus, Mithra, or the God of Abraham himself, it makes zero difference.
At the end of the day, I can't possibly believe that any God that actually loved his followers could, or would, do that. Christians shouldn't believe it either! If you're wanting your God and your religion to be seen as benevolent rather than malevolent, you simply can't.
I seriously doubt any loving God would actually appreciate the assertion that part of their divine plan involves visiting acts of evil and tragedy upon innocent people, all of whom they supposedly mean to save from eternal damnation...
After re-reading this post, I just remembered that the daycare licensing rep did not even say she was sorry for our loss! I may be a little bit indigant about that, but most everyone I talk to says this. I kept expecting her to say that, and I was preparing myself to say "thank you" (since I'm not really sure what the correct response is to say), but she never said it! Just that we lost our baby for a reason, almost as if it was some sort of balancing of the scales for something we must have done wrong.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I'm done with my angry irrational ranting. I feel better now...hehe