Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Fatigued
I've been rather surprised by the intensity of the emotions I've been feeling recently. I've noticed myself becoming more emotional as Garrett's should-have-been due date draws closer. I wasn't sure how I would react as the date approached, but my emotional reaction to the reminder of how things should be and what should have been has surprised me.
In the past, similar dates with Sierra did not trigger emotions this intense so I was all the more surprised. I know that these emotions are normal, but I can't help but think that I'm not handling it as well as I should. I also know this is an irrational thought not only due to my perfectionist personality but also because I am comparing it to the previous loss. I would imagine the fact that I'm going through this again only compounds the emotional reaction.
I am also noticing myself becoming emotionally tired and cursing my stoic attitude. I am tired of being strong and handling things so well. And I don't feel as if I've been handling things so well recently. My emotional muscles are becoming fatigued, and they need a break. But how do you get a break from grief and the painful reminders?
-- Post From My iPhone
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Your choice of the word fatigued is so appropriate, Rachael. As you know I too have been having similar feelings, and your word of fatigue so well labels what I too have been feeling. As I sat and had a conversation with Pat (the lady in charge of outreach and the Food Pantry) at church Sunday, she was telling me about "plans" of a project that she will be implementing for the church. As I listened to her, additional ideas were coming to me of things she could do in the project and I shared them with her. We ended up having a very good talk. I don't know if it was just the conversation or because I was getting my thoughts off myself for a while or what, but I noticed later that day and this week, that I don't feel as heavy eventhough I can tell it's just a moment's thought away like a monkey waiting to jump on my back. I'm not trying to equate my situation with yours, but I just want to encourage you to keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep staying involved in other people's lives even it's just being around them, and believe that things can always change. It's not fun right now, it stinks!, but you have lots of people that love you for who you are. Remember, it's okay to need help. It does not make you any less of a person.
ReplyDeleteI love you! Mom