Gratitude day 18

Today, I'm thankful

1. (I just remembered this one from Saturday, how could I forget?!) That our tax paper work I set on top of our car Saturday before driving off to meet our CPA landed NEXT to the big puddle rather than in it. I'm also thankful we didn't loose anything and that one of our friendly neighbors helped us pick up Savannah's drawing paper that had blown all over the road.

2. That I FINALLY (for real this time) fixed our front door knob. This stupid thing kept coming off if someone looked at it wrong when trying to open the door. It was rather amusing seeing someone's face who experienced this little glitch for the first time, but it got to the point that it was hit or miss if we would even be able to get the door open. But thankfully a little WD40 and a rubber mallet seemed to do the trick. Let's hope it stays fixed this time...

3. That our media room is clean! Call me weird, but I love sitting in a room that has been decluttered.


-- Post From My iPhone

Gratitude day 17

Today, I'm thankful

1. That we have a plan for paying the taxes we owe this year AND we have a plan for making sure we won't get behind again. Oh, the joys of being self employed...

2. For a booming business with profit, despite the taxes...

3. That the grocery shopping is done for the week... yes, I dread grocery shopping!

Gratitude day 16

Today, I'm thankful

1. That I'm done taking my antibiotics. I'm glad we have them available, but they were making me sick to my stomach, yuck!

2. That I'm finished recording my expenses for our 2009 taxes, wheww! And I discovered that my profit from the daycare was substantially higher than the year before (or the year before that). I am exceptionally thankful for it, but it looks like we'll probably have to pay extra taxes this year rather than get a refund. We'll find out tomorrow though when we meet with our CPA.

3. For the Mardi Gras king cake that Kevin surprised us with. Yummy!


-- Post From My iPhone

Gratitude day 15

Today, I don't have anything unique to be thankful for that I haven't already mentioned, but I'd like to list some obvious things.

1. For my great and suppportive friends and family

2. For the prosperity in our lives that allows our kids to pick and choose what they do and don't want to eat at any given meal

3. For living in a free society where we can practice things like democracy, freedom of religion, free speech, and all those other warm and fuzzy things we tend to take for granted.


-- Post From My iPhone

Gratitude day 14

Today, I'm thankful

1. That I've finished my daycare curriculum subscription and I get to start reusing it! It took me 2 years, but now I get to save some money AND time! I'm really excited about the time part...

2. That I get to spend time alone with my daughter on Wednesdays before her tumbling class. BTW, I'm also thankful that we have the means to send her to a tumbling class.

3. That we do have two functioning cars, but I'm frustrated that my husband took the only key with him to the car he left leaving me immobile...I'm again thankful that my mother-in-law bailed us out and drove us to tumbling. Thanks again, Kathy!

4. That my surprisingly thoughtful husband got extra keys made today so we never have this problem again. I know it was just keys, but I was really touched by this. It was almost as good as flowers...almost. Thanks Kevin!

5. That I seemed to have made it out of my rut today. I had my normal energy level back and didn't feel down like I had been. I'm hoping to start exercising again on Friday barring any complications. I think that will do wonders for keeping my mood up.

Gratitude day 13

Today, I'm thankful

1. For eating dinner out

2. That the laundry has been sorted and started

3. For the bubble bath I'm about to take


-- Post From My iPhone

Gratitude day 12

Today, I'm thankful

1.  For my friend's succinct words describing exactly how I feel about our situation.  After reading our story, she said it gave her chills because "it was like watching a movie and knowing that there has to be a good ending but being so anxious you want to fast forward to the end to see."

I told her that's how I feel all the time!  I know we're going to have a good ending.  I don't know how we're going to get there exactly, but I just want to fast forward through the drama and anxiety and get to the happy ending!  Thanks, Kimber, for reminding me that we're looking for a happy ending after all this.

2.  That I finished my grocery shopping, for now...

3.  That I understand Kevin's convoluted supplemental insurance plan, and I know exactly what I need to do to get them to pay my medical bills.  I'm also still glad we have medical insurance especially since the bills started rolling in this year...

Gratitude day 11

Today, I'm thankful

1.  For having the time to get our story out of my head and online.  You can find it here. I feel better already!

2.  For Kevin's help with the technical aspects of publishing our story. Thanks Kevin, I appreciate your help!

3.  That I have been able to rest and recover and that the cramps have been hardly noticeable at all!  Now to try to get some stuff done today for next week...

Working on our story

I know I didn't post anything yesterday. I've been having a hard time emotionally with this miscarriage at unexpected moments, but that's not why I didn't write.  We met with our counselor yesterday, and after, I decided to create a "memorial site".  I think it will be a good idea to have our complete back story in one place where it can be easily found.  I spent most of the day working on this.

I've only put down our birth stories so far, but this was the hardest and longest part.  It took me several hours just to find the right website templates and get everything setup for publishing, but I'm surprised how quickly the words flowed out once I started writing.  I've never been afraid like I know some women are about loosing the details of my story.  I figured that if I haven't forgot by now then I probably won't forget (barring some ugly degenerative brain disease or trama), but it's nice to have all those details out on "paper".  What also surprised me was I remembered easily the days of the week from each birth and death.

I'll be working on this more today.  I feel the need to focus inward and embrace the sadness with some directed efforts.  Sometimes time doesn't heal all wounds and you have to "grin" and bear it and go through it to get past it.  The gratitude journal offers a nice distraction from the pain, but distraction isn't always the answer.  I do enjoy the gratitude journal though and will resume this shortly.  Stay tuned!

Gratitude day 10

Today, I'm thankful

1. That I had some yummy Pho for lunch.

2. That the D&C procedure went well.

3. For my fantastic mother-in-law who went with me to the hospital and took me home. Thanks Kathy! Couldn't ask for a better mother-in-law!

4. For, again, everyone's words of concern and well wishes. It makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside to have such great friends and family that are so caring, giving, and supportive. Thanks everyone, you make this tolerable!

-- Post From My iPhone

Gratitude day 9

Today, I'm thankful

1. For lunch with my husband.

2. That I don't live in the 18th century or earlier or in an impoverished country. I have been reading a novel that takes place during this time, and it reminds me to be thankful that we have access to modern medicine and conveniences like indoor plumbing, hot water, and indoor air conditioning.

3. For the medical insurance that my husband's company provides. We have been fortunate to be covered under a plan that has taken care of all of our medical needs during this past year and for the procedure I'm having tomorrow.

I went into the doctor's office today to have my standard two week blood draw to check my hCG. The nurse asked me how I was doing, and I mentioned that I'm still having bleeding that's heavier than I would expect at this point. They did an ultrasound in the office and discovered that there is some tissue that has not passed yet from the miscarriage.

I was given the option to take a drug (can't remember the name) that would attempt to flush the tissue out with contractions and bleeding or to have a D&C. The pharmaceutical means is not guaranteed and would make it seem like I'm having the miscarriage all over again putting me out of commission for longer.

However, the recovery time for the D&C is usually 48 hours where I can resume normal activity and even exercise. I opted for the D&C so that I can get this over with and move on. I'm tired of being in "recovery" mode, and I need to get back to normal! Plus there's also a chance that they maybe able to recover the tissue and send it off for chromosome analysis to see if there were any chromosomal abnormalities that caused this miscarriage. But my doctor is checking with pathology to see how much is required since there isn't a lot in there - she isn't optimistic about this.

4. So I'm also thankful that this will all be over with very shortly.

Pride lasts longer than pain

Being a home daycare provider, I subscribe to these cutesy little motivational emails giving encouragement, tips, and advice on various childcare topics. I usually don't read them anymore since I've fallen into my daycare "groove", but today I received one that must have compelled me because I read the whole thing, and it really hit home.

The back story about completing a marathon was irrelevant to me for making the point - pride lasts longer than pain. I know this message intimately.

Every time I've been through a loss or stressful event, I always think how much easier life would be without operating the daycare. And I always seriously consider shutting down. Kevin has said he will back me in whatever decision I make, but I always wait it out to make sure I'm not making any rash decisions. And I always come back to embracing it. Once the pain subsides, my pride in the work that I do and what I provide for my family and other families always wins out.

So today, I'm thankful

1. For the little personalities that I'm entrusted with on a daily basis. I'm grateful for the trust of their parents, and for the positive impact I am making in their lives and for the impact they've had on mine.

2. That I've come to realize the stress pattern, and can now catch the triggers and provide myself with the self care necessary to keep my balance with the stress and the services I offer.

3. For my reliable, compassionate, trustworthy aide Anna, and for our ability to afford to pay her! Is it kosher to repeat a gratitude item? Not sure, but I'm always thankful for this one! Without her quality care for the kids and her awesome work ethic, I would either loose my mind or have to shut down. Thanks again, Anna!


-- Post From My iPhone

Gratitude day 7

Today, I'm thankful

1. That today feels like Monday instead of Tuesday. Perhaps this week will go by quickly because of it!

2. That we have our second car back, and the transmission flushed fixed the problem, and we don't have to get the transmission replaced!

3. That I got my island cleaned off along with Savannah's room. Let's see how long it stays that way until we have to make a project out of it again...


-- Post From My iPhone

Gratitude day 6

Today, I'm thankful

1. That my grocery shopping is done (at least for the week).

2. That I was able to take a few hours away from the daycare home and go see a movie.

3. That I've realized that it's just as important to take care of my mental health as well as my physical health and to not feel guilty about it! (although I'm still working on the not feeling guilty part...)


-- Post From My iPhone

Gratitude day 5

Today, I'm thankful

1. That the biggest problem I have today is trying to plan when I'm going to go to the grocery store. (Do we see a pattern here?)

2. That people are concerned about our situation and are offering their words of comfort and condolences.

3. That my husband is finally learning to add "flourishes" to his abrupt words.

-- Post From My iPhone

Gratitude day 4

Today, I am thankful

1. For Saturdays. Need I say more?

2. For the time spent making dinner together as a family.

3. For Sundays so I can put off going to the grocery store until tomorrow...


-- Post From My iPhone

Gratitude day 3

Today, I am thankful

1. That we will be able to get our car fixed (despite the steep cost of repairs), and it should be ready by early next week. Yay freedom!

2. That I will be able to attend my brother's wedding in February in El Paso. I was not originally planning on going (which I deeply regretted) because I was hoping to be pregnant, and I made a strict no traveling rule while pregnant. I am sad about the circumstances that have allowed me to go, but I am thankful that I can. It is bittersweet. I am also extremely thankful for my parents' generosity for purchasing plane tickets for me and Savannah. I wouldn't be able to afford to go without that. Thanks mom and dad!

3. For having the time and freedom to be able to write about my thoughts and feelings. I have noticed that things don't seem so dark and depressing after I get them out of my head and "into the computer". It has proved to be healing in a cathartic way.


-- Post From My iPhone

Gratitude day 2

Today, I am thankful for

1. Having my reliable and accommodating aide, Anna, here to help me with the daycare while I recuperate.

2. Having a husband who has helped with dinners and laundry the last several weeks.

3. Having a great mother-in-law who has helped with rides and picking up Savannah from school while our second car is out of commission.

Sorrow and Gatitude

I have noticed an emotional pattern with the occurrence of this past loss. It has reminded me of all the emotions I had after loosing each baby, and I notice that I'm having the same emotions this time. The past miscarriage was not this painful, and I didn't expect this one to be either since I didn't loose a "tangible" baby. But I'm finding that it is more difficult to heal from this one because of all the emotions it has reminded me of.

Yes it gets easier with the passage of time. I know this already from experience. But do we ever really fully heal? I feel as if it is an old wound that is aching with the storm.

Because I am seeing the repeat of emotional patterns, it feels as if it is my more seasoned self is giving advice and guidance to my emotionally vulnerable self - both on the outside looking in and inside hurt as well.

Even though I prepared myself for this, the shock of the miscarriage has finally creeped it's way in despite how I've managed to keep myself busy. And true to emotional pattern form, I am noticing myself feeling sorry for myself. I just want to shut the world out and curl up in the dark and wallow in my own misery. The daily demands of life provide a distraction from the pain, I know, but I don't want to be distracted right now. I just want to feel it and take comfort in it.

I don't know if this is healthy or unhealthy behavior, but I don't like it about myself. So I have decided to write down at least 3 things that I'm thankful for each day to help sustain me through this time (that I know will eventually pass).

1. The first and most important thing I have to be thankful for is my healthy daughter. Her presence makes the pain of the losses easier to bear. I don't have to struggle with the question, "am I a mother?" as so many women must who loose their first baby. I have her here to distract from my sorrow and channel my mothering needs.

2. I am thankful for the blissfully ignorant first uncomplicated pregnancy. Like so many other women, my future pregnancies will forever be tarnished by the anxiety of the past losses, but I will always have that to remember and look back on with fond memories.

3. I am thankful for my health and that I can still be there for my daughter and husband. Pregnancy can be risky business, and I am thankful for the advances in medical technology that has kept me safe and healthy.

4. I am thankful for the lessons I have learned with my experiences. I have learned to be more assertive if something doesn't sit right with me. But along those lines, I am sorry it took these experiences to teach me that. I often wonder if any of it could have been prevented if I was more persistent, but I have vowed to let that not be the case going forward.

Update:

After reading this, I wonder if I'm not letting myself feel the pain. Am I distracting myself too much to allow the pain to settle in and do its job? Have I not healed from the past losses because I haven't allowed myself to be sad? Is that why this is repeating itself? Should I take time to be in a safe place to allow myself the time grieve?

I don't know the answers to those questions right now...

-- Post From My iPhone

Chocolate anyone?

Yesterday, I spoke with my OB. She and my perinatologist have decided to revise the game plan next time I get pregnant. They can't be certain that this was just another fluke thing that happened.

The pathology came back on the tissue I passed indicating "product of conception". That seemed a sufficiently vague term to me and after about an hour of googling still seems just as vague. I asked the doctor if that means there was an embryo. She didn't exactly say yes because it's hard to determine after some time has passed. From what I've been able to determine, it just means that, yes, indeed this is the product of your pregnancy...like I didn't know that already. If anybody can shed any additional light on the subject, I am welcome to the information!

Anyway, they are unable to determine if there was an chromosome abnormalities because inorder to do the analysis, they have to obtain the sample from a D&C otherwise it contains contaminates. So we really don't know if my clotting factor or a chromosomal abnormality caused the miscarried.

My doctor prefaced her advice by saying that with my condition there isn't really a standard of care they can provide that is known to work for a certain population. At this point in time, it's kinda guess work. My clotting mutation is heterozygous and typically shouldn't cause women problems in pregnancy or life in general so they usually do not have to resort to these methods, so they are treating me based on my history.

So going forward, they will start me on Lovenox (or heparin) and progesterone at the time of a positive pregnancy test rather than waiting to determine if the pregnancy is viable. The progesterone is a new thing. My doctor said there is controversy as to its effectiveness, but it won't hurt anything to take it. I didn't think to ask at the time, but I'm assuming they're suggesting it based on my low progesterone levels with the first miscarriage.

The main reason they've waiting to start the blood thinners (Lovenox) until they have confirmed a viable pregnancy is to prevent the risk of hemorrhaging or bleeding out too much if I do still miscarry. I addressed this concern with my doctor and she said that they will not completely anti-coagulate me, so the risk is reduced. If I do start spotting, they will do ultrasounds to see what's going on in there and stop the Lovenox immediately if I do miscarry.

My hCG levels are still really high. They were 60,000 on Monday and went down to 12,000 on Wednesday. My doctor said that I won't even ovulate until they go down to zero. They will take my blood every two weeks until it goes down to zero. This is to ensure that you don't have an ectopic pregnancy. A friend of mine suggested that maybe I had a blighted ovum which is a fertilized egg that doesn't develop an embryo. But after some research, I read that the hCG levels will typically drop off before you miscarry. And with those high numbers, I'm in concurrence with my doctors that this was probably caused by the clotting factor.

So now, we'll wait one cycle and start all over again. Now to find some chocolate to drown my sorrows in, and I'm not above taking free chocolate handouts *hint, hint* ;) - especially since I've immobilized with only one working car right now, grrrrr.

Recipe for loss of faith

Disclaimer: I do not mean to offend anyone with my opinions so please do not take offense. I write from my own experiences and with the intent to share and explain my thoughts and feelings.

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I don't know what it is about loosing a baby for the first time. It seems to anchor your religous/spiritual/dogmatic faith. You believe that there was an ultimate plan for the event that you just aren't privy to understand. Trust me, I know, I've been there. You evolve spiritually to the place you think you need to be and learn whatever lessons you think God is trying to teach you.

Then comes your next attempt and you steel yourself for the long haul and believe with all your heart, body, and soul (note I didn't say mind) that it won't happen again because you are now spiritually diligent and have faith that your all-loving god knows you need this rainbow baby to complete your healing.

But then for some, like me, tradgedy happens again and then you know it was all bullshit. You cling at first to all the old spiritual motions you are familiar with (praying, believing, searching, seeking, etc) without really feeling their comfort anymore.

So when I miscarried again yesterday, it felt like the same old drill all over again. I was 7 weeks. It started suddenly and unexpectedly Sunday evening and was practically complete by Monday morning. During this miscarriage in the angst of pain (cramping, nausea, grief, etc), I found myself wanting to cry out for something magical to fix it all. But then I remembered that we only have each other. I can certainly understand others' needs to seek comfort in those religious beliefs, and it provides that comfort for so many people, but I am at the point where I know that I can only find that comfort with my physical companions rather than an imagined being.

Medically, we think this was just another fluke thing that happened. Since we hadn't had a chance yet to do the first ultrasound, we don't know for sure really if there was a heartbeat and if this was caused by the clotting factor. Although I do have the feeling that we probably wouldn't have seen a heartbeat.

I asked the dr at my appointment yesterday when is the first ultrasound done, and she said 6 weeks which is different than what the nurse said of 8 weeks. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get in my initial 6 week OB visit at 6 weeks because the office schedule was jam packed with appointments because of the shortened holiday weeks.

Because of this experience, I've decided that I'm tired of being pushed around and made to accommodate their schedules. No more misses nice girl. My history demands compassion and accommodation and I'm not going to take no for an answer anymore. I will say that based on my experience yesterday, I am thankful I found this OB. She was very compassionate and accommodating fitting in my ad hoc appt spur of the moment and even going so far as making an exception and doing an ultrasound herself without me having to ask her.

Most of the patients in these practices have not gone through the events we have, and I'm not going to care anymore if I offend an office worker (no matter how nice they are) because I'm the one who has to live with the emotional reprocussions. Of course I'm not going to be belligerent about it. I'll do it in a nice way, but I will be persistent and ask to speak to the dr directly about my concerns.

Anyway, I am so thankful for everyone's concern and words and deeds of comfort and compassion. It doesn't fix the problem, but it does make it easier to heal.

-- Post From My iPhone