Mother's Day

A few weeks ago I learned of an interesting story about a giraffe that killed herself after the stillbirth of her baby. I found this to be morbidly fascinating. She apparently kept ramming her horns into the earth until they reached through her skull into her brain. While I never had suicidal thoughts, I felt a sense of kinship with this animal because of our shared experiences. However, I've often wondered why her grief was so great she felt she could not go on living. Was it simply because she was an animal and did not have a greater understanding? Was it because she did not have the capability of being comforted by family and friends as we humans do? Was it because she did not have any children dependent on her to force her to continue? I've often reflected on this and wondered why this poor animal could only feel the hurt and not the love for her child and the hope to continue on.

Along a similar line a thought, a friend of mine who has gone through similar hardships told me about an epiphany she had. She said she realized that she will always be a woman who lost a baby. When she first told me this, I didn't understand why she felt this way. Even after my first loss, I did not want the tragedy to define who I was. I knew I would always miss my child, but I suppose I was hoping the birth of another baby would somehow mitigate the loss that I felt. But I also realized a few weeks later that it is a part of who I am, and it can never be changed, erased, or even mitigated with the birth of a healthy baby. It is not all of who I am, but it will always be with me and has influenced who I am and who I will be. I will always mourn the loss of our babies even when I'm old and gray. The pain I feel is because I love my children so much. I am so thankful for the short time we had with them, and I would never trade that for anything. I am reminded of a quote by Alfred Tennyson, "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

Today was also Mother's Day. This can be a painful reminder for women (such as this one from Mamapedia) who have lost a child and especially hard for women who have lost their first child and have no other children. Thankfully I already had a healthy child at the time of our loss, but I would imagine women who have no other children would question if they can even call themselves a mother at all and may feel that they have no right to be honored as one.

The Mother's Day after our first loss I learned that Mother's Day in America was declared a national holiday in 1914 to honor mothers who sons had died in World War I. The holiday was intended to provide comfort and solace to mothers who have lost their children and to honor their sacrifices. Mothers who have experienced a loss can feel comforted knowing that the spirit of the holiday was originally intended for women just like us who have experienced a loss. We can feel comfort in knowing we are more entitled to this holiday than we are led to believe by the commercialized propaganda. It is nice to receive flowers, and cards, and jewelry, but Anna Jarvis, who initially lobbied to have the holiday honored, fought to keep it from being commercialized.

In closing I'd like to leave you with a quote a friend sent me shortly after our 2nd loss that has been especially comforting, "I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, only more love." -Mother Theresa