Bittersweet

This past weekend was bittersweet. I've debated with myself if I should even make a post about it, but decided that it would help to heal some of the pain I've been feeling.

My sister was married. It was such a joyful occasion, and she married a great guy. This sounds cliche, but truly they seem almost made for each other. Everything went great, and I was so happy to be able to help make their wedding day absolutely fabulous.

But on the other hand, her wedding fell 2 months to the day after giving birth to Garrett prematurely. I can't help but remember that I was supposed to be 7 months pregnant. I was planning on being 7 months pregnant when my sister started planning everything. And upon reflection I realized I wanted to wear the maternity dress that wasn't very flattering. I wanted to be uncomfortable and tired and moody because I was pregnant. I wanted to ruin the symmetry of the wedding pictures with my big pregnant belly. I was planning on being able to revel in my gestational state and was going to enjoy every minute of it - the good and the bad.

But instead, I received many compliments on my definitely non-maternity dress, was completely comfortable (aside from the shoes that pinched), and wasn't moody in the least (although my husband might argue that point). The only thing that hinted at the recent pregnancy was the fact that my skirt was too big around the waist due to the fact that I've lost some postpartum inches and had to be altered at the last minute to accommodate. I was however exhausted, but that had nothing to do unfortunately with being pregnant.

My sister thanked me several times for being such a great help, but selfishly I didn't want to be able to be such a great help to my sister. I wanted to be incapacitated with pregnancy! I should have been incapacitated with pregnancy!

The reason I debated about whether I should post this is because I don't want to make anyone feel bad. I made every effort to keep my thoughts away from my sister and mother and even myself! This weekend was about my sister, and I didn't want to detract from that.

My sister and her new husband showed a slideshow of pictures during the reception. My recently departed grandmother was in one of the pictures, and I thought that was a nice tribute since she should have been there as well. But even if my sister wanted to, how would you pay tribute to a pregnancy and a baby that should still be?

Grieving invokes emotions of guilt over the emotions you have from the grief - a strange sort of irony, and this is no different. I feel guilt over the emotions I am experiencing as a result of my sister's wedding. I just want to be happy for her, but the reminder of what should have been makes me resentful. I don't want her to think it's her fault I've having to deal with these emotions, because it's not. I am faced with reminders everyday, and these are the new challenges I must face on this journey that has been laid out for me.