Ignorance and Trust

During my past pregnancies, I've always steadfastly held to the conviction that I did not want to learn about all the things that could go wrong. I reasoned with myself that there is bliss in ignorance. If I didn't know what could go wrong, I wouldn't have to spend time worrying about something that probably wasn't going to happen anyway (at least not happen to me I used to think smugly). Besides, the doctors would tell me if something was wrong, and we would cross that bridge if we needed to.

But then the unthinkable happened, and our 2nd daughter's heart stopped beating for unknown reasons 2 weeks from her due date, and she was stillborn.

I still maintained my choice of ignorance during my subsequent and 3rd pregnancy, and then the unthinkable happened again. Our first son was born too early at 23 weeks probably as a result of placental abruption but also for unknown reasons.

I came to a realization today that maybe if I start researching all the horrible possibilities, and our next child or I end up having a problem, maybe we can prevent the unthinkable from happening again. I then quickly realized that trying to educate myself on everything that could possibly go wrong is probably not a healthy pursuit unless I was pursuing a medical degree. I also realized then that not only have I lost my trust in "God", but I have also lost my trust in the medical community.

Up until this point, I have always leaned heavily toward a preference for natural child birth. I believed that our bodies were made to give birth to babies, and as long as you don't try to interfere too much in the wrong way everything usually works out great. I still believe this is the case for most women, but even if my choice for natural child birth hadn't been taken away from me, ironically I would still want every medical intervention necessary (and maybe the unnecessary ones too) for my next pregnancies.

To keep myself from feeling like I'm going to be consumed by the fear, I want to feel in control of the situation. But I'm not sure there is anything I really can do to make sure everything turns out how I want it. The only way I know how to feel in control is to let go and relinquish control. So I have made a choice to continue my ignorance (within reason) and to put my trust back in nature and the medical community. If something should go against our expectations, we will cross that bridge when we get there.