First Ultrasound

We had our first ultrasound today. I was nervous going in but not really sure why. I knew there'd be only one of two outcomes (heartbeat or not), and I was fine with both.

Turns out there is a heartbeat for our lil rice crispy and everything is looking normal.

I have been doing the blood thinner injections for about 2 weeks now. They were difficult the first couple times, but a piece of cake now. It does sting and causes bruising sometimes, but they're not too bad once you get used to it.

So everything is right on track so far. I can't say I feel comforted by that fact, but I'm also ok with whichever outcome we have. It's hard to feel excited about something when you don't know what's going to happen, and we may not actually feel happy until we are holding a healthy, live baby in our arms at the end of it. I do know for a fact that this will be that last time I'm pregnant regardless of the outcome!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

O.M.G...

Thursday evening, I was so proud of myself for making the P90X commitment and making it (sore but at least walking - barely) through day two. And then I got a positive result on a pregnancy test that same evening. Now I'll have to wait to pick it up again - which is rather irritating.

I had been suspecting something was up for the previous couple days because I was so dang irritable (which is really only an understatement). After realizing I was a day "late" (which always has a day or two wiggle room) I finally broke down and purchased a test and sure enough it was positive. It has been almost a year since I was pregnant last - a rather odd thought.

What does that mean now? Not sure at this point. I only know that there is no known outcome from all this. Based on my past experiences, I know what is likely to happen. I'm only thinking so far ahead to the phone call I need to make to the dr on Monday. Whatever the outcome, I've already decided that I'm getting fixed after all this. I'm not interested in going through this self-inflicted torture again. I'm not even letting myself hope for a baby at the end of all this yet, but I was growing rather fond of my newfound freedom again after 6 yrs. Either way though, I know we'll manage with flying colors.

I realized last night on New Year's Eve (while I was functioning as a rather convenient designated driver by the way) that this baby was spontaneously conceived in love under the light of the lunar eclipse that happened a few weeks ago on the winter solstice. The pagans believe that the full moon symbolizes fertility, and while I don't believe in all that stuff that fact is one beautiful facet to all this that absolutely warms my heart.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

100th Post!

I'm sure more of my regular visitors have noticed that I haven't blogged in a while.  We've been taking a break from the whole TTC thing, and I really haven't had anything interesting to blog about.  I hate that my last post was such a downer, so I think it's fitting that this 100th post have some defined closure with a hopeful and upbeat tone.  I may blog here and there as thoughts or events occur, but certainly nothing regular.

I've been on a pretty even keel recently in regards to our family situation.  I'm actually getting to the point that I'm thinking I don't want anymore babies of my own.  I don't know if this is just me rationalizing what I can't have to myself.  But Savannah is starting to be able to do more and more things on her own now-a-days.  She has even gotten to the point where she can brush and floss her teeth and can even wash her own hair (with a little supervision).  It's fantastic!  She'll be taking out the garbage and doing laundry and dishes before we know it!  I keep thinking how exhausting it would be to start over with another little one.  In fact, I mentioned all this to Kevin the other day and he was in agreement that if we don't have a baby in the next couple years or sooner we'll be done with this chapter in our lives.

Funny thing is we went to see Despicable Me later that day.  It's a heart-warming story about an evil villain who haphazardly ends up adopting three orphaned girls who worm their way into his heart.  It got me thinking.  Why couldn't we just skip the baby stage and adopt a child that was 3 or 4?  My need to nurture is so great that I know I would love this child as my own.  There are of course many things to consider with this option, but the most important concern is would Kevin learn to love this child as his own as well?  I think that's essential for the complete well-being of the child to feel truly accepted as a member of the family.  Anything less would be an injustice.

I mentioned the idea to Kevin.  He has not wanted to consider adoption up to this point but promised to reconsider his feelings on the matter if there is no chance for him to have further biological children.  I'm no longer sure what to expect in the future, but despite my desires I am beginning to learn how to be content with what I have now.

Emotional! Arggg!

I'm having an emotional time this morning remembering the babies we lost and grieving over the other members of our family that we will probably never have. The intensity of the emotions has surprised me. Trying to remember to be happy with what we have is proving to be especially hard this morning...


-- Post From My iPhone

Learning to live a worry-free life

My pre-menopausal state has apparently decided to manifest itself physically.  I knew it would happen eventually and sooner rather than later, but less than a month after getting the news?  I'm on day 38 of my cycle, and no, I'm not pregnant.  Spoke with my doctor yesterday, and if I didn't have a positive urine pregnancy test this morning then I'm not pregnant, so I'm not pregnant...  I'm supposed to call back if I go two months without a period.

I know I said I'm happy with our family like it is, but do you sometimes find yourself saying something if only to convince yourself?  Maybe if I say it over and over, I'll eventually believe it...

I was really irritable this past weekend.  At first I wasn't sure why.  I was short and snippy with Kevin, and we were quarreling over silly little things.  And then I realized that there was something that had my mind preoccupied.  The loss of my friend's daughter really shook me up.  I couldn't help wondering what if we lost Savannah?  Other children would never replace the ones you lost, but it does soften the blow.  But we CAN'T have more kids to soften that fearful blow. I'm so very happy and proud of my child but I DO want more.  I find myself being scared with the idea that we may be left with no children.

I told myself that I'm not going to monitor anything anymore.  If we get pregnant, I will probably miscarry anyway.  But I was hoping I was pregnant this time.  I was hoping that we would someday accidentally get pregnant and miraculously keep the pregnancy to term and have a living, healthy baby at the end.  I was hoping for our happy ending.  But this pre-menopausal cycle has reminded me that that isn't likely and probably not possible.

I feel the need to come to terms with my family the way it is - to be happy with what I have.  But no, I'm not at peace yet.  I am grieving over the family that I envisioned, and it is a process I haven't completed yet.

Everyone keeps telling me stress can play a factor in your cycle.  Maybe the grief is interfering with it.  My fear is that I'm in a perpetual state of stress that I don't even know what non-stress feels like.  I want to learn how to live a worry-free life.  I want to learn to be happy with what I have now. 

Extra hugs

Tuesday evening I learned that an old friend of mine from junior high lost (I think unexpectedly) his 4 year old daughter due to undiagnosed brain swelling, and learning this has really weighed heavy on me the last couple days.  I've not been on the helpless end of a tragedy since we've been on the hurting end of our tragedies, but I think it's affected me so much because I can relate so closely to the pain I know that family is feeling right now.  It feels so wrong when a child dies.

I spoke to him earlier today for the first time in 12 years, and I thought about all the things I wanted to tell him to help him and his family through this dark time.  I was nervous about calling, but I decided to because I know just offering words of condolences can be a comfort in and of themselves.  I wanted to say that people will inadvertently say some insensitive things, but to try to look past their words to their intentions.  I wanted to tell him about the anger he will feel but to try to not let it turn into bitterness.  I wanted to tell him about the surreal emptiness that is just too painful to fully comprehend at first but will ease its grip over time.  I wanted to tell him that the mornings when you are alone with your thoughts will be the hardest time of the day.  I wanted to tell him that grieving is an individual journey that each person does at their own pace and in their own way and to be gentle and patient with each other.  I wanted to tell him above all that it's so important to do the work of grief.

But I didn't mention any of those things.  These are all lessons he and his wife will have to learn on their journey, and that saddens me.  I told him there's not much I can say to make it better, it will be hard, and I'm so sorry they have to go through this.

Even before hearing this news, I've thought about what would happen if we lost Savannah.  I look at all the pictures she draws, and I keep the special ones for memories.  I'll see something that's completely unique to her like a strand of her curly hair, a dried out marker, a cheap little silly toy that she enjoys playing with; and I'll leave it where it is - just in case I need it to remind me of her later.  But more specifically, it's times like these that remind me to cherish the loved ones in our lives because we never know if we might not have them with us anymore.  Tonight I made sure to give my little girl extra hugs because I can.

End of the journey

So, I think we made it to the end of our infertility journey, and it is bittersweet. I say "I think" because you never know what cogs will get thrown into your wheel of a plan. But based on our current circumstances, "I think" we're done.

I wrote earlier that I had decided to stop stressing about all this fertility stuff and just let it play out as it would. Well, I've taken it a step further and I think I'm done playing it out.

After coming to the realization that IVF could cost substantially more than we initially bargained for, I told Kevin that the ball is in his court. I'm not going to bring it up again. It has always been a higher priority to Kevin to have two sons, and I told him he has to figure out how much it's worth to him. I'll go along for the ride, but I'm mentally tired of rehashing my history for 2nd and 3rd and 4th opinions (which never are in concurrance anyway). I'll show up for blood draws and exams and procedures if he wants to pursue anything, but any other options will have to explored and initiated by him. I'm done.

It saddens me that Savannah will be an only child, and it's sad that we didn't end up with the family we initially set out to create, but I feel liberated. This is a peaceful place to be. I don't need to plan for more children, and we can fully focus all our energy and attention on our one living, healthy child and move forward with our family as we know it now.

I've been thinking about writing a book of fiction loosely based on our own pregnancy loss circumstances. I wondered to myself how I would end it - happy with the magical rainbow baby or sad without the triumphant live birth. But I came to the realization that this too is a happy ending even though it has been touched by tradgedy (whose story hasn't been touched by sadness in some way?) It is a happy ending because I am at peace with the beautiful family I have helped create and am a part of.

-- Post From My iPhone