Ok, ok. Now that the disappointment of not being pregnant has worn off, I'm not so eager to seek artificial assistance for conceiving. I don't know how people with infertility issues deal month after month with the disappointment. I've never had to go more than 2 months without conceiving, but I'm always frustrated after the first month!
I will say that I do have a limit to how many more times I am willing to go through pregnancy (barring anymore unforeseen circumstances of course). Given this, we have decided to continue our attempts to conceive naturally for this pregnancy. Depending on the gender of this upcoming baby, we will then make a determination if we will use PGD (preimplantation genetic diagnosis) to determine gender for the subsequent pregnancies.
With the little information Kevin has told me and the little research I've done on this method, I'm surprised that more people who use IVF don't use PGD as well for extra insurance. It can screen for the presence of a large number of genetic disorders before the embryo is implanted helping to prevent any additional heartache that may results for naturally occurring chromosome mistakes or inherited genetic mutations. The additional fees for the test are not that much more when you factor in what IVF costs anyway.
After thinking through all of our options, I'm secretly (although not so secretly now) hoping that the next baby is a girl. Then we can plan to use PGD to have our two boys for the pregnancy after this one. Even though events don't always go as we hope and plan them, I wouldn't mind being pregnant 2 more times, but 3 is stretching it!
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Negative, Ghostrider
The pregnancy test came back negative, but I'm still awaiting my period. Going on cycle day 35. This happened once before, but this isn't the norm for me. I hope it's not an early sign of the end of my reproductive years...
Speaking of childbearing years, I am getting to the point where I am anxious to be past this stage in my life. I have been pregnant 3 times (4 if you count the early miscarriage), and I'm starting to feel fatigued at the prospect of having to do this 2-3 more times not to mention the fear of the risk associated with being pregnant. I'm especially reminded of this with all this swine flu news recently. Just the other day, I learned that pregnant women who contract this particular stain of the virus are 9 times as likely to die! Working in a daycare setting only increases the risk of contracting the disease. It's so easy to say that that won't happen to me, but my past experience leaves little room for that freedom of thought.
My parents were done having kids already by my age, and I feel like I'm in limbo waiting for the completion of our family. Kevin wants two living sons (he doesn't count Garrett in the mix). While I don't understand or agree, I do understand that it's important to him, and I don't mind trying to help him achieve his goal.
We've tried various ways to try to influence the gender at conception, and we've had mixed results with neither of us being convinced that those methods really work. But apparently you can guarantee the results with a method that also screens for genetic disorders. The embryo is then implanted via IVF.
I was initially put off by the idea of this especially with a price tag of $20k which would most likely not be covered by insurance. But the prospect of only having to go through pregnancy one more time with two implanted males is sounding more and more appealing. Not only would we be done with childbearing, but we would have the peace of mind that the children I will be carrying will not have any genetic disorders. While we've never had a problem with genetic disorders, having the peace of mind that we're carrying healthy children is worth it to me alone.
We still have a lot of research to do on this and still need to weigh the options, but it would be so nice to know I only have one more pregnancy to look forward to.
-- Post From My iPhone
Speaking of childbearing years, I am getting to the point where I am anxious to be past this stage in my life. I have been pregnant 3 times (4 if you count the early miscarriage), and I'm starting to feel fatigued at the prospect of having to do this 2-3 more times not to mention the fear of the risk associated with being pregnant. I'm especially reminded of this with all this swine flu news recently. Just the other day, I learned that pregnant women who contract this particular stain of the virus are 9 times as likely to die! Working in a daycare setting only increases the risk of contracting the disease. It's so easy to say that that won't happen to me, but my past experience leaves little room for that freedom of thought.
My parents were done having kids already by my age, and I feel like I'm in limbo waiting for the completion of our family. Kevin wants two living sons (he doesn't count Garrett in the mix). While I don't understand or agree, I do understand that it's important to him, and I don't mind trying to help him achieve his goal.
We've tried various ways to try to influence the gender at conception, and we've had mixed results with neither of us being convinced that those methods really work. But apparently you can guarantee the results with a method that also screens for genetic disorders. The embryo is then implanted via IVF.
I was initially put off by the idea of this especially with a price tag of $20k which would most likely not be covered by insurance. But the prospect of only having to go through pregnancy one more time with two implanted males is sounding more and more appealing. Not only would we be done with childbearing, but we would have the peace of mind that the children I will be carrying will not have any genetic disorders. While we've never had a problem with genetic disorders, having the peace of mind that we're carrying healthy children is worth it to me alone.
We still have a lot of research to do on this and still need to weigh the options, but it would be so nice to know I only have one more pregnancy to look forward to.
-- Post From My iPhone
Monday, October 12, 2009
Late?
Today I am officially "late". Going in for a pregnancy test tomorrow... Nothing more to see here. Move along!
-- Post From My iPhone
-- Post From My iPhone
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Yoga and Grief
I know, I know. I haven't posted in a while. The daily demands of life have been keeping me busy, busy, busy (my new mantra remember)! I'm even starting this post from Savannah's new tumbling class seeing as I can't find the time to write otherwise.
My former prenatal yoga instructor (turned friend) invited me to attend a pregnancy and infant loss support group meeting on Monday. She was invited as a guest speaker to talk about yoga and grief. She also has experienced the loss of a baby. She knew that I have been a practitioner and wanted me to share my story and experience as well.
As a side note I'd like to say that everyone grieves differently and I try very hard not to judge others with their process, but I learned I'm not really a support group type of person. I much prefer going to my counselor instead.
Anyway, my yoga instructor friend also invited me to attend her prenatal yoga class prior to the meeting. Some may think she was crazy or even cruel for asking someone with a recent loss to be around a bunch of pregnant women, but I never pass up the opportunity for yoga! Plus, I didn't feel the least bit apprehensive about the idea before hand, so I figured I was safe.
She usually starts the class off with some guided breathing and connecting with your baby. I followed along with her instructions of placing one hand on your heart and one on your belly out of politeness at first, but as she started talking about connecting with your baby the tears started coming. I wanted to jerk my hand away when I felt the tears and to shut out the emotions. I felt so empty and missed my babies so much, but then a thought occurred to me. My body used to hug and touch them through my womb. Even though my womb is empty at the moment, my babies used to live in there. That used to be their home and lifeline. I felt a sense of connectedness through the organ that used to cradle them. I may not have them with me anymore, but my love for them keeps us connected. The pain of grief is never pleasant while we are experiencing it, but I was glad that I didn't shut out the emotions. I felt refreshed and cleansed and more connected to our babies after my little cry. And even though I was in a public place, I felt safe enough in that yoga setting to let myself grieve over my empty womb.
It's moments like that one that have helped me resolve some hidden aspect of my grief. As I stated to the other bereaved parents at the support group, there's nothing mystical that happens for me when I do yoga. I think the awareness of your breath, your body, and your limitations also carries over to your emotions and other aspects of your life. We are taught in yoga to respect and accept our bodies and our limitations without judgment, but also to push ourselves without going over our limits. Going to that prenatal yoga class was a little push for me in my grief. Additionally, I've found the best way for me to grieve (seeing as I'm becoming an expert on this) is to allow the emotions to come without judgment and accept them for what they are - a by product of the grieving process. Sometimes there is no logic to the emotions. Sometimes I feel anger, resentment, bitterness, and guilt. But I accept those ugly emotions just as I accept my limitations in yoga and realize they do not define my character. It's how I act on those emotions that defines who I am.
In typing this, I am reminded of a blog post I've read recently. After we have settled back into the normal routine of life, it seems most women need to expose themselves to experiences that illicit some of those feelings associated with grief. I read somewhere that it is normal human behavior to want to relive the details of the tragic event to remind ourselves that we're justified in your grief. But I'd rather like to think of it as reminding myself that I'm justified in the love for the little lives that we've lost.
-- Post From My iPhone
My former prenatal yoga instructor (turned friend) invited me to attend a pregnancy and infant loss support group meeting on Monday. She was invited as a guest speaker to talk about yoga and grief. She also has experienced the loss of a baby. She knew that I have been a practitioner and wanted me to share my story and experience as well.
As a side note I'd like to say that everyone grieves differently and I try very hard not to judge others with their process, but I learned I'm not really a support group type of person. I much prefer going to my counselor instead.
Anyway, my yoga instructor friend also invited me to attend her prenatal yoga class prior to the meeting. Some may think she was crazy or even cruel for asking someone with a recent loss to be around a bunch of pregnant women, but I never pass up the opportunity for yoga! Plus, I didn't feel the least bit apprehensive about the idea before hand, so I figured I was safe.
She usually starts the class off with some guided breathing and connecting with your baby. I followed along with her instructions of placing one hand on your heart and one on your belly out of politeness at first, but as she started talking about connecting with your baby the tears started coming. I wanted to jerk my hand away when I felt the tears and to shut out the emotions. I felt so empty and missed my babies so much, but then a thought occurred to me. My body used to hug and touch them through my womb. Even though my womb is empty at the moment, my babies used to live in there. That used to be their home and lifeline. I felt a sense of connectedness through the organ that used to cradle them. I may not have them with me anymore, but my love for them keeps us connected. The pain of grief is never pleasant while we are experiencing it, but I was glad that I didn't shut out the emotions. I felt refreshed and cleansed and more connected to our babies after my little cry. And even though I was in a public place, I felt safe enough in that yoga setting to let myself grieve over my empty womb.
It's moments like that one that have helped me resolve some hidden aspect of my grief. As I stated to the other bereaved parents at the support group, there's nothing mystical that happens for me when I do yoga. I think the awareness of your breath, your body, and your limitations also carries over to your emotions and other aspects of your life. We are taught in yoga to respect and accept our bodies and our limitations without judgment, but also to push ourselves without going over our limits. Going to that prenatal yoga class was a little push for me in my grief. Additionally, I've found the best way for me to grieve (seeing as I'm becoming an expert on this) is to allow the emotions to come without judgment and accept them for what they are - a by product of the grieving process. Sometimes there is no logic to the emotions. Sometimes I feel anger, resentment, bitterness, and guilt. But I accept those ugly emotions just as I accept my limitations in yoga and realize they do not define my character. It's how I act on those emotions that defines who I am.
In typing this, I am reminded of a blog post I've read recently. After we have settled back into the normal routine of life, it seems most women need to expose themselves to experiences that illicit some of those feelings associated with grief. I read somewhere that it is normal human behavior to want to relive the details of the tragic event to remind ourselves that we're justified in your grief. But I'd rather like to think of it as reminding myself that I'm justified in the love for the little lives that we've lost.
-- Post From My iPhone
Monday, September 14, 2009
Tasting the moment
Did you ever want something so bad you could taste it? I remember as a kid the American Girl line of toys had just come out, and they were horribly overpriced even then. I wanted the Samantha doll and her accessories with a vengeance. They had several contests where you could mail in a postcard and win a bunch of stuff, and I would hope and pray that my entry would be picked. Mom and Dad didn't have $75+ laying around to be able to afford such a toy not even at Christmas. Of course, I never won, but I would study the catalogues, and picture the accessories, and imagine myself playing with these deliciously life-like toys. We visited the American Girl store with my daughter several months ago, and it was like walking through the catalogue. It was even better than I used to imagine! I even have the means to purchase the things I yearned for all those years ago (I didn't of course, but that's not the point).
That's how this next baby feels to me. Now that Aunt Flow has made her arrival again, I am getting excited that this could be it. Maybe in 6 weeks, we will see a little heartbeat on the screen. Maybe in 9 months, we will be holding our next living, healthy bundle of joy. I see other women with their babies, and I can almost taste it just like those silly little toys. I have to remind myself at moments like this to slow down and relax. It may not happen in 6 weeks or 9 months, but I know it will happen. And I will myself to be patient and enjoy the things that life has to offer right now and to stay in the moment.
That's how this next baby feels to me. Now that Aunt Flow has made her arrival again, I am getting excited that this could be it. Maybe in 6 weeks, we will see a little heartbeat on the screen. Maybe in 9 months, we will be holding our next living, healthy bundle of joy. I see other women with their babies, and I can almost taste it just like those silly little toys. I have to remind myself at moments like this to slow down and relax. It may not happen in 6 weeks or 9 months, but I know it will happen. And I will myself to be patient and enjoy the things that life has to offer right now and to stay in the moment.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Trip and other miscellaneous sundies updated
We have had a couple of whirlwind weeks which is one reason I haven't updated sooner.
We got back from Vegas last Friday, didn't win ANYTHING, but had a great time anyway. We did have one minor hiccup that I have filed away as a "lesson learned". I wore myself out trying to walk to the Stratosphere in 100+ degree heat and got very grumpy.
I heard somewhere that the whole length of the strip is 2 miles and that the Stratosphere is at the end. We had just finished eating lunch at the Bellagio which according to the tourist map looked about halfway. I convinced Kevin it would be good for us to work off some of our gluttonous Vegas buffet fair and walk the distance rather than taking a taxi or riding the Deuce (bus). Besides it was only a mile! Additionally, we are from Texas and are accustomed to 100+ degree heat WITH humidity, and we had plenty of water to stay well hydrated! Heck, we walked to Excalibur which was on the other end of the strip (certainly at least a mile in distance) without a problem! How hard could it be, right? I'm embarrassed to say it did occur to me before hand that we made our Excalibur trip AT NIGHT and that our tourist map may not have been to scale, but I rejected those ideas in the interest of burning calories. Boy, did we do that!
Anyway, we did walk the distance while making stops along the way, but it definitely seemed more than a mile! We ended up taking a taxi back to our hotel in a very foul mood vowing never to attempt such a feat again. I will say though that due to my diligent and disciplined use of sunscreen, I did NOT get a sunburn.
Here is a picture of us, pre-Stratosphere excursion. See how happy we, I mean, I look? Kevin came down with a cold at the beginning of our trip and wasn't feeling too good that day. He got over it pretty quick though.
Then we had a major scare after getting onto the plane headed home. No, this wasn't a terrorist threat or concerns about the structural soundness of the plane. I looked down at my hand, and my engagement ring was GONE!
Now, I must admit that this is not the first time this has happened, and I've been putting off the inevitable task of getting my rings resized, but I've always known in the past the moment my ring slipped off my finger before.
The flight attendant let me look up and down the isle and at the gate, but I feared I had accidentally thrown it away in the bathroom after washing my hands. Unfortunately, the bathroom was nowhere near the gate and our plane was about to take off. I was coming around to the idea that we would need to start saving for several months to be able to invest in a new wedding set when I decided to scour the contents of my bag in the vain hope it accidentally slipped off into there. I picked up my bag from under the seat in front of me and there was my ring on the floor! I immediately put both my rings in my wallet vowing not to put them back on until I got them fixed. I am happy to report they were resized and saudered together the next day.
---------------------------------------------
The next day after we got back on Sept 5th was the 2 year anniversary of Sierra's stillbirth. I thought a lot about her that day, but we didn't do anything to commemorate the event for a combination of reasons the least of which being we ran out of time. Despite that, I was having mixed feelings about making a big deal out of it. Even though an experience like this has a lasting impact, I didn't want to go through the motions of acknowledging the event. I don't want to feel like a slave to the ritual, and I felt the need to move on and not be tied down by all the emotional baggage.
Yeah, I felt slightly guilty for not doing anything for her on that day. But it seems to me the purpose of acknowledging the day is to keep her memory alive, but her memory has and will live on in us. I think of her often, and I know that we could never forget her. And I am at peace with that.
---------------------------------------------
I found out yesterday that the Victoria Secret Love your Body contest has been closed early due to tampering which I suspect is from "ballot stuffing". Funny thing is, Kevin originally suggested that I set up a script to "artificially inflate" my votes (or in other words cheat), but I rejected the idea out of hand!
They are still going to award the two prizes, but unless they disqualify the cheaters, I won't be eligible for a prize. They will award one prize to People's Choice and one to Judge's Choice. But in order to be eligible for Judge's Choice, you have to be in the top 50. I am in the top 100, but not top 50.
Even though I may not be eligible for a prize, I still feel fortunate that my friends and family cared enough to cast votes on a daily basis. Plus, we were able to take a fun, exciting, lesson-filled trip to Las Vegas! Those things are prize enough for me!
We got back from Vegas last Friday, didn't win ANYTHING, but had a great time anyway. We did have one minor hiccup that I have filed away as a "lesson learned". I wore myself out trying to walk to the Stratosphere in 100+ degree heat and got very grumpy.
I heard somewhere that the whole length of the strip is 2 miles and that the Stratosphere is at the end. We had just finished eating lunch at the Bellagio which according to the tourist map looked about halfway. I convinced Kevin it would be good for us to work off some of our gluttonous Vegas buffet fair and walk the distance rather than taking a taxi or riding the Deuce (bus). Besides it was only a mile! Additionally, we are from Texas and are accustomed to 100+ degree heat WITH humidity, and we had plenty of water to stay well hydrated! Heck, we walked to Excalibur which was on the other end of the strip (certainly at least a mile in distance) without a problem! How hard could it be, right? I'm embarrassed to say it did occur to me before hand that we made our Excalibur trip AT NIGHT and that our tourist map may not have been to scale, but I rejected those ideas in the interest of burning calories. Boy, did we do that!
Anyway, we did walk the distance while making stops along the way, but it definitely seemed more than a mile! We ended up taking a taxi back to our hotel in a very foul mood vowing never to attempt such a feat again. I will say though that due to my diligent and disciplined use of sunscreen, I did NOT get a sunburn.
Here is a picture of us, pre-Stratosphere excursion. See how happy we, I mean, I look? Kevin came down with a cold at the beginning of our trip and wasn't feeling too good that day. He got over it pretty quick though.
Then we had a major scare after getting onto the plane headed home. No, this wasn't a terrorist threat or concerns about the structural soundness of the plane. I looked down at my hand, and my engagement ring was GONE!
Now, I must admit that this is not the first time this has happened, and I've been putting off the inevitable task of getting my rings resized, but I've always known in the past the moment my ring slipped off my finger before.
The flight attendant let me look up and down the isle and at the gate, but I feared I had accidentally thrown it away in the bathroom after washing my hands. Unfortunately, the bathroom was nowhere near the gate and our plane was about to take off. I was coming around to the idea that we would need to start saving for several months to be able to invest in a new wedding set when I decided to scour the contents of my bag in the vain hope it accidentally slipped off into there. I picked up my bag from under the seat in front of me and there was my ring on the floor! I immediately put both my rings in my wallet vowing not to put them back on until I got them fixed. I am happy to report they were resized and saudered together the next day.
---------------------------------------------
The next day after we got back on Sept 5th was the 2 year anniversary of Sierra's stillbirth. I thought a lot about her that day, but we didn't do anything to commemorate the event for a combination of reasons the least of which being we ran out of time. Despite that, I was having mixed feelings about making a big deal out of it. Even though an experience like this has a lasting impact, I didn't want to go through the motions of acknowledging the event. I don't want to feel like a slave to the ritual, and I felt the need to move on and not be tied down by all the emotional baggage.
Yeah, I felt slightly guilty for not doing anything for her on that day. But it seems to me the purpose of acknowledging the day is to keep her memory alive, but her memory has and will live on in us. I think of her often, and I know that we could never forget her. And I am at peace with that.
---------------------------------------------
I found out yesterday that the Victoria Secret Love your Body contest has been closed early due to tampering which I suspect is from "ballot stuffing". Funny thing is, Kevin originally suggested that I set up a script to "artificially inflate" my votes (or in other words cheat), but I rejected the idea out of hand!
They are still going to award the two prizes, but unless they disqualify the cheaters, I won't be eligible for a prize. They will award one prize to People's Choice and one to Judge's Choice. But in order to be eligible for Judge's Choice, you have to be in the top 50. I am in the top 100, but not top 50.
Even though I may not be eligible for a prize, I still feel fortunate that my friends and family cared enough to cast votes on a daily basis. Plus, we were able to take a fun, exciting, lesson-filled trip to Las Vegas! Those things are prize enough for me!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Relax!
I have been incredibly lazy this last month since the miscarriage started (well, as lazy as you can be when you still have a business to run and a child and family to look after). Even though it has been justified laziness, I still find myself feeling guilt and anxiety about taking time to relax.
I recently hired an aide on a permanent and full-time basis to assist with my daycare business when I originally started to have the miscarriage. We had already decided to hire an aide to help with work-life balance, but the time frame got bumped up with the onset of the bleeding.
I must say it has been working out very well, so well in fact that I find myself feeling anxiety over having spare time. I keep going over the chores I did that day to make sure I'm not forgetting something critical. If I take time to do something enjoyable, I feel anxiety and guilt. Yesterday I put my aide in charge and left early to meet my husband for a late afternoon movie, but I kept feeling the anxiety creeping up on me. However, I do think there's hope for me to be able to "be in the moment" (as my counselor calls it). After several sessions of ignoring the anxiety and feeling it creep back up, I started to get angry, because I deserve to have time to relax untarnished by guilt or anxiety and bygod no imagined opinions of others is going to ruin my good time!
I oftentimes irrationally and incorrectly project what others' judgements of my behavior will be, and usually it is not a positive prediction. Why do I care anymore? Why am I still holding onto that unproductive way of thinking? Why is it so hard to let it go? Why should I care? I deserve to be free of that baggage! Shouldn't the fact that I've proven my worth and value and shown my strength through adversity negate my desire to feel validated by others? Isn't it enough for me to know it myself? If I've already proven it to myself, why do I feel the need to make everyone else aware as well? I don't have the answers yet, but maybe someday I won't care about those particular questions.
Anyway in the meantime, please help support my need for acceptance by voting for me HERE to win a trip to NYC. Vote everyday until September 14th!
I recently hired an aide on a permanent and full-time basis to assist with my daycare business when I originally started to have the miscarriage. We had already decided to hire an aide to help with work-life balance, but the time frame got bumped up with the onset of the bleeding.
I must say it has been working out very well, so well in fact that I find myself feeling anxiety over having spare time. I keep going over the chores I did that day to make sure I'm not forgetting something critical. If I take time to do something enjoyable, I feel anxiety and guilt. Yesterday I put my aide in charge and left early to meet my husband for a late afternoon movie, but I kept feeling the anxiety creeping up on me. However, I do think there's hope for me to be able to "be in the moment" (as my counselor calls it). After several sessions of ignoring the anxiety and feeling it creep back up, I started to get angry, because I deserve to have time to relax untarnished by guilt or anxiety and bygod no imagined opinions of others is going to ruin my good time!
I oftentimes irrationally and incorrectly project what others' judgements of my behavior will be, and usually it is not a positive prediction. Why do I care anymore? Why am I still holding onto that unproductive way of thinking? Why is it so hard to let it go? Why should I care? I deserve to be free of that baggage! Shouldn't the fact that I've proven my worth and value and shown my strength through adversity negate my desire to feel validated by others? Isn't it enough for me to know it myself? If I've already proven it to myself, why do I feel the need to make everyone else aware as well? I don't have the answers yet, but maybe someday I won't care about those particular questions.
Anyway in the meantime, please help support my need for acceptance by voting for me HERE to win a trip to NYC. Vote everyday until September 14th!
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