The experiences of loosing my babies has broken my faith. I do believe there is something out there that created our existence. It would be too happenstance for it to all be an accident. However, if I believed in a God as the majority of people think of one, I would be very angry with Him (or Her, or It, or Them). I was willing to forgive this God the first time it happened, but I don't believe He is involved in our daily lives to have prevented it a second time. The only good and comfort I've seen come out of these situations is because of what people did, not what God did.
These experiences and especially the loss of our second baby has also made me question the idea of an after-life. Specifically, I have questioned if there is one at all. Does our consciousness continue on? Will all the answers be revealed to us? Is there a Heaven and a Hell?
At first the thought of our existence being snuffed out like a candle evoked emotions of panic. How will I get the answers I want? How will I see my family and friends? How will I be eternally happy? But the more I thought about it, I realized it wouldn't be so bad really. If it was like falling asleep with no awareness, we wouldn't care if there was nothing else left.
It also made me realize that we need to make the most of our time here with the people we love while we are living. We should go places and do things and take risks with these people. Strangely, thinking of death in this new light has provided me with some comfort. I have resolved to make the most of the time that I have here and to live my life so that I don't have any regrets. Regardless if there is an after-life, it cannot be experienced as we are experiencing life on Earth, and we need to make the most of our time here.
These thoughts crossed my mind again as I learned today that my grandmother passed away this morning. It was not completely unexpected, but we were hoping for her to make a recovery and have more time with us. I don't know if our spirit, or soul, or consciousness lives on somewhere, but if it does I do know that my grandmother and my other family she has joined will look after my 2 babies until and if we can be with them again.
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I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother. Not only was she friendly and welcoming to me; but it pains me to see all of this happen to you.
ReplyDeleteI think you're right, though. The thought of an afterlife provides many folks with much needed comfort, but in some cases it seems to undermine their willingness to embrace the moment and make the best "today" that they can.
I love seeing someone else who thinks that the fleeting, fragile nature of life makes it that much more precious.