Clearance!

I have been very impatient over the idea of having to wait until the end of September before we can start trying again. Even though it seems so unfair to have to wait that long after being so prepared to have more children, we have been responsible. But I mentioned it to my husband this weekend, and he suggested that I give the doctor a call and find out what the risks are if we did get pregnant before our 6 months hiatus.

So...I spoke with my perinatologist today to get more information, and she gave us her blessing! She said as long as we are emotionally ready, we can start trying! I swear that's the best news I've heard all month!

My understanding is that the risk of getting pregnant too soon after a c-section is that it can cause a uterine rupture, but this is only a risk if you go into labor. We already know I will be having a scheduled c-section and have no history of pre-term labor, so I'm good to go!

We still need to get our finances in order so that we can afford an aid for the daycare; I still want to loose about 8 more postpartum pounds; and we need to schedule a preconception visit with my regular OB; but I couldn't be more excited! Woohoo!

Savannahisms

While the content of my blog is very sad, I never actually wanted the tone to be. In reality, how can you write about the tragedy we've gone through without having a depressing tone? So to help lighten the mood, I've included some funny things Savannah (our first child) has said over her short 5 years.

Savannahneese - Translation
sunshine - sunscreen
muscley pieces - chess pieces
peanuts - penis (I run a daycare, and she's been curious about the little boys anatomy when I change their diapers)
china - vagina
shortcut - haircut
Clumsy - Kenzie (the name of a little girl I used to watch)
door nog - door knob
noodle - needle
pregnant marker - permanent marker

Savannah has talked about things she's seen on commercials. My husband has tried to reverse the brainwash by telling her commercials are for "buying things you don't need". When Savannah was asked on one occasion what commercials are for, she responded, "to get you to buy stuff you don't need, but I really want them!"

When I was pregnant with Sierra, I allowed Savannah to shine a flashlight at the bottom of my stomach to help turn Sierra from the breech position. When I was newly pregnant with Garrett and we told Savannah the good news, she remembered the flashlight and wanted to do this again. I told her it was too early and the baby did not have eyeballs yet to see with. She shot up from naptime a couple days later asking, "Does my baby have eyeballs yet?!"

I can also see my child developing her negotiating skills. We were having taquitos for lunch one day which are one of her favorite foods. She will usually ask me for two more taquitos after eating the ones I gave her. I will usually only let her have one more at a time to reduce waste if she doesn't eat it all. On one occasion, she took me unawares by asking for 3 taquitos. Before I could realize what she was doing, I said, "No, only two." She then happily proceeded to skip to the counter to grab her treat. It wasn't until after the words were out of my mouth that I realized I had been manipulated! I have to admit, I was more proud than embarrased that I had been out-negotiated by my 5 year old daughter.

Up for a rat race, anyone?

This past weekend, I experienced some depression. This surprised me because I don't consider myself a doom-and-gloom type of person, and even though I didn't want to feel depressed I couldn't seem to shake it. I really think it was a combination of things related to the grieving process, lack of sleep, and stress.

The week following that weekend, I made it a priority to get to bed by 10:00 to help with the lack of sleep problem. I've noticed with myself that if I don't have the sleep I need, I feel less able to cope with stress and the emotions that result from that. Most nights I didn't make it by 10:00, but I consider it a work in progress. It wasn't from lack of trying though. I just can't seem to get everything done I need to get done within the time period allotted. Which leads me to my next point where it seems like all I do is work work work all day and night! I've often compared myself to other mothers with kids asking myself why they can seem to get some idle time in the evenings and I can't! I don't even get a chance to sit my butt down and watch anything on TV, so it's not like I'm being lazy and not making use of the time. There just aren't enough hours!

When talking about how much work I do on a nightly basis with others, I've often been asked the question, "what all do you do in the evenings?" I start listing the things that I typically do in an evening, "cook dinner, dishes, get Savannah ready for bed" and then I start drawing a blank and as I say them I realize that they don't really seem like they should add up to a lot. I ask myself, "am I just complaining to complain? Am I using my time inefficiently?" But upon discussing the problem with my husband I realized that there are only 24 hours in a day. I wake up at 6:00am and work until 5:30pm (11.5 hours - thank god I don't have a commute anymore!). If I want to get 8 hours of sleep, that leaves 4.5 hours in the evenings. Upon further investigation, I realized I do more than just cooking dinner (30 minutes), cleaning up (30 minutes), and getting Savannah ready for bed (30 minutes). Add to that the fact that we have to eat the dinner I cooked, (30 minutes), bathe myself daily (30 minutes), do laundry on various days (30 minutes), and yoga on Tuesdays and Thursdays (1.5 hrs). If you've done the math, you realize I'm left with no (nada, zero, zilch) time for other small things that seem to popup and eat into my sleeping time.

WARNING: The following paragraph makes mention to my sex life. Even though nothing explicit is mentioned, if you would rather not know about it or pretend that I don't have one, STOP READING NOW and proceed to the next paragraph!

But I've realized that I can make it a priority to trudge along at this pace wideling away at the minutes to get more sleep, but it hasn't even left me any wiggle room for sex (which has always been a topic of conflict in my marriage). I am content to ignore my urges which isn't hard considering how tired I am (yes, Kevin, believe it or not I do still have the urge!). But that isn't healthy if you want emotional and physical intimacy in your marriage. My husband feels like I'm not making him enough of a priority, and maybe he's right, but I don't know what to reprioritize. I feel like there is a solution to the problem that will make everyone happy, but I can't quite see it yet. Our most recent attempt at the problem is to agree to make time for each other on certain days of the week. If I know ahead of time then I can plan accordingly, but we've not been completely successful with this yet either. Something will come up to eat up all my time on top of already being exhausted, and I'll either forget we were supposed to be intimate that night or shamefully I'll sneak off to bed. I worry that it will only get worse as we have more children and as they get older and involved in extracurricular activities which will eat up more of the evening hours.

It is safe to return to your regularly scheduled blog...

My husband has pressured me to start my own daycare center thinking this will decrease the number of hours I work during the day leaving more hours in the evening. But I would miss the aspects that I enjoy about running the daycare in my home if I did that. Plus I'm not sure that in reality it would really increase the time I have in the evenings, especially while I am working to get the business off the ground.

He has also suggested that I just not work at all, but neither of us are comfortable with this solution especially in light of the current state of our economy. Our experiences has led us to believe that a job is never safe from layoffs, cutbacks, politics, or any other motives. If he was the only income provider, lost his job, and couldn't find another one right away, it would be disasterous for our financial outlook. I am unwilling to take that risk right now.

After all of that, I'm still left with the question, "How can I win this rat race?!"

Bittersweet

This past weekend was bittersweet. I've debated with myself if I should even make a post about it, but decided that it would help to heal some of the pain I've been feeling.

My sister was married. It was such a joyful occasion, and she married a great guy. This sounds cliche, but truly they seem almost made for each other. Everything went great, and I was so happy to be able to help make their wedding day absolutely fabulous.

But on the other hand, her wedding fell 2 months to the day after giving birth to Garrett prematurely. I can't help but remember that I was supposed to be 7 months pregnant. I was planning on being 7 months pregnant when my sister started planning everything. And upon reflection I realized I wanted to wear the maternity dress that wasn't very flattering. I wanted to be uncomfortable and tired and moody because I was pregnant. I wanted to ruin the symmetry of the wedding pictures with my big pregnant belly. I was planning on being able to revel in my gestational state and was going to enjoy every minute of it - the good and the bad.

But instead, I received many compliments on my definitely non-maternity dress, was completely comfortable (aside from the shoes that pinched), and wasn't moody in the least (although my husband might argue that point). The only thing that hinted at the recent pregnancy was the fact that my skirt was too big around the waist due to the fact that I've lost some postpartum inches and had to be altered at the last minute to accommodate. I was however exhausted, but that had nothing to do unfortunately with being pregnant.

My sister thanked me several times for being such a great help, but selfishly I didn't want to be able to be such a great help to my sister. I wanted to be incapacitated with pregnancy! I should have been incapacitated with pregnancy!

The reason I debated about whether I should post this is because I don't want to make anyone feel bad. I made every effort to keep my thoughts away from my sister and mother and even myself! This weekend was about my sister, and I didn't want to detract from that.

My sister and her new husband showed a slideshow of pictures during the reception. My recently departed grandmother was in one of the pictures, and I thought that was a nice tribute since she should have been there as well. But even if my sister wanted to, how would you pay tribute to a pregnancy and a baby that should still be?

Grieving invokes emotions of guilt over the emotions you have from the grief - a strange sort of irony, and this is no different. I feel guilt over the emotions I am experiencing as a result of my sister's wedding. I just want to be happy for her, but the reminder of what should have been makes me resentful. I don't want her to think it's her fault I've having to deal with these emotions, because it's not. I am faced with reminders everyday, and these are the new challenges I must face on this journey that has been laid out for me.

Injections? Who knew!

I had an ad hoc consult appointment with the obstetrician that the perinatologist recommended today. It was completely unexpected since I was supposed to attend a workshop (which got canceled for the 3rd time, arrrgg!). I already had a sub watching the daycare so I thought I'd try to see if she had any openings, and low and behold something worked out for once, and she did!

I asked her all the hard questions like, "will you still see me if I'm late?" (Back story filler: My last OB's office made me reschedule my 20 week ultrasound because I was 20 minutes late. I know I was the one late, but come on folks, I've lost a baby! How insensitive can you be?! I even later found out that they have a 30 minute grace period! Now why wasn't I given that grace period at the time?) Among other questions, I also asked how will she manage my care and how will she be emotionally accommodating. She was very personable and willing to see me as often as I felt I needed to be seen. I did find out that the blood thinners are injections you have to give yourself in the abdomen (like insulin). The cheaper of the two drug options is a twice a day injection. The more expensive of the two (that insurance usually doesn't cover, go figure) is a once a day injection. It's funny how at one point in time I would have cringed at the thought of having to go through that for children, but now I see it as just a bump on the road to happiness.

I was also quite impressed with another patient who was waiting to be seen. They had accidentally told her the wrong day of her appointment, but they were still going to fit her in today. I doubt my old doctor's office would have done that.

After our meeting, I walked away from her office with a good feeling knowing that I have two very good doctors who seem genuinely concerned about my wellbeing and the wellbeing of our future babies.

Mother's Day

A few weeks ago I learned of an interesting story about a giraffe that killed herself after the stillbirth of her baby. I found this to be morbidly fascinating. She apparently kept ramming her horns into the earth until they reached through her skull into her brain. While I never had suicidal thoughts, I felt a sense of kinship with this animal because of our shared experiences. However, I've often wondered why her grief was so great she felt she could not go on living. Was it simply because she was an animal and did not have a greater understanding? Was it because she did not have the capability of being comforted by family and friends as we humans do? Was it because she did not have any children dependent on her to force her to continue? I've often reflected on this and wondered why this poor animal could only feel the hurt and not the love for her child and the hope to continue on.

Along a similar line a thought, a friend of mine who has gone through similar hardships told me about an epiphany she had. She said she realized that she will always be a woman who lost a baby. When she first told me this, I didn't understand why she felt this way. Even after my first loss, I did not want the tragedy to define who I was. I knew I would always miss my child, but I suppose I was hoping the birth of another baby would somehow mitigate the loss that I felt. But I also realized a few weeks later that it is a part of who I am, and it can never be changed, erased, or even mitigated with the birth of a healthy baby. It is not all of who I am, but it will always be with me and has influenced who I am and who I will be. I will always mourn the loss of our babies even when I'm old and gray. The pain I feel is because I love my children so much. I am so thankful for the short time we had with them, and I would never trade that for anything. I am reminded of a quote by Alfred Tennyson, "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

Today was also Mother's Day. This can be a painful reminder for women (such as this one from Mamapedia) who have lost a child and especially hard for women who have lost their first child and have no other children. Thankfully I already had a healthy child at the time of our loss, but I would imagine women who have no other children would question if they can even call themselves a mother at all and may feel that they have no right to be honored as one.

The Mother's Day after our first loss I learned that Mother's Day in America was declared a national holiday in 1914 to honor mothers who sons had died in World War I. The holiday was intended to provide comfort and solace to mothers who have lost their children and to honor their sacrifices. Mothers who have experienced a loss can feel comforted knowing that the spirit of the holiday was originally intended for women just like us who have experienced a loss. We can feel comfort in knowing we are more entitled to this holiday than we are led to believe by the commercialized propaganda. It is nice to receive flowers, and cards, and jewelry, but Anna Jarvis, who initially lobbied to have the holiday honored, fought to keep it from being commercialized.

In closing I'd like to leave you with a quote a friend sent me shortly after our 2nd loss that has been especially comforting, "I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, only more love." -Mother Theresa

Answers

I heard back from the perinatologist today. She received the lab results and looked over my operation report.

Basically, I did have a placental abruption. The labor I experienced was triggered by the abruption. My doctor informed me that there is no way to stop an abruption as opposed to pre-term labor which can be managed. In an odd way, this provides me with a sense of comfort knowing that if the doctor had me come in right away when the bleeding started, there is nothing they would have been able to do. I am thankful I came in while Garrett was still alive so we could have the time with him that we did. If we were delayed at all, he may have been stillborn as well.

I had wrestled with myself if I wanted to pursue a lawsuit with what happened with Garrett. I eventually decided that it wasn't worth the gain. I also knew that I was probably trying to place the blame from my grief somewhere. It wasn't going to bring my baby back, and it would just be a lot of work (like I don't have enough already). Hearing this news reinforces what I had already decided.

The doctor also informed me that the lab work indicates that I have a mutation related to thrombophilia (clotting disorder). It is an insignificant mutation in that it doesn't manifest any symptoms in myself and won't increase my risk for vascular disorders. However, she feels confident that this is what caused our unexplained stillbirth and the placental abruption. Good news is I can be treated with blood thinners when I'm pregnant again!

The other good news is I probably won't need to go on bedrest to prevent preterm labor. I certainly would have done it and will still do it if necessary, but I wasn't looking forward to that prospect.

Now that we seem to know the answers (which still seems too good to be true even as I write this), it saddens me that we had to loose two babies before we could know about any of this. I am still anxious about this and all the other possible problems that could happen during subsequent pregnancies. My doctor is going to monitor me very closely during my next pregnancies and have me come in every 3 weeks for ultrasounds and then every week during my last trimester. It will be a lot of doctor appointments but well worth it!

Now all we need to do is "patiently" wait the 6 months before we can start trying again...