Today, I'm thankful
1. For having the time to get our story out of my head and online. You can find it here. I feel better already!
2. For Kevin's help with the technical aspects of publishing our story. Thanks Kevin, I appreciate your help!
3. That I have been able to rest and recover and that the cramps have been hardly noticeable at all! Now to try to get some stuff done today for next week...
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Working on our story
I know I didn't post anything yesterday. I've been having a hard time emotionally with this miscarriage at unexpected moments, but that's not why I didn't write. We met with our counselor yesterday, and after, I decided to create a "memorial site". I think it will be a good idea to have our complete back story in one place where it can be easily found. I spent most of the day working on this.
I've only put down our birth stories so far, but this was the hardest and longest part. It took me several hours just to find the right website templates and get everything setup for publishing, but I'm surprised how quickly the words flowed out once I started writing. I've never been afraid like I know some women are about loosing the details of my story. I figured that if I haven't forgot by now then I probably won't forget (barring some ugly degenerative brain disease or trama), but it's nice to have all those details out on "paper". What also surprised me was I remembered easily the days of the week from each birth and death.
I'll be working on this more today. I feel the need to focus inward and embrace the sadness with some directed efforts. Sometimes time doesn't heal all wounds and you have to "grin" and bear it and go through it to get past it. The gratitude journal offers a nice distraction from the pain, but distraction isn't always the answer. I do enjoy the gratitude journal though and will resume this shortly. Stay tuned!
I've only put down our birth stories so far, but this was the hardest and longest part. It took me several hours just to find the right website templates and get everything setup for publishing, but I'm surprised how quickly the words flowed out once I started writing. I've never been afraid like I know some women are about loosing the details of my story. I figured that if I haven't forgot by now then I probably won't forget (barring some ugly degenerative brain disease or trama), but it's nice to have all those details out on "paper". What also surprised me was I remembered easily the days of the week from each birth and death.
I'll be working on this more today. I feel the need to focus inward and embrace the sadness with some directed efforts. Sometimes time doesn't heal all wounds and you have to "grin" and bear it and go through it to get past it. The gratitude journal offers a nice distraction from the pain, but distraction isn't always the answer. I do enjoy the gratitude journal though and will resume this shortly. Stay tuned!
Friday, January 22, 2010
Gratitude day 10
Today, I'm thankful
1. That I had some yummy Pho for lunch.
2. That the D&C procedure went well.
3. For my fantastic mother-in-law who went with me to the hospital and took me home. Thanks Kathy! Couldn't ask for a better mother-in-law!
4. For, again, everyone's words of concern and well wishes. It makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside to have such great friends and family that are so caring, giving, and supportive. Thanks everyone, you make this tolerable!
-- Post From My iPhone
1. That I had some yummy Pho for lunch.
2. That the D&C procedure went well.
3. For my fantastic mother-in-law who went with me to the hospital and took me home. Thanks Kathy! Couldn't ask for a better mother-in-law!
4. For, again, everyone's words of concern and well wishes. It makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside to have such great friends and family that are so caring, giving, and supportive. Thanks everyone, you make this tolerable!
-- Post From My iPhone
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Gratitude day 9
Today, I'm thankful
1. For lunch with my husband.
2. That I don't live in the 18th century or earlier or in an impoverished country. I have been reading a novel that takes place during this time, and it reminds me to be thankful that we have access to modern medicine and conveniences like indoor plumbing, hot water, and indoor air conditioning.
3. For the medical insurance that my husband's company provides. We have been fortunate to be covered under a plan that has taken care of all of our medical needs during this past year and for the procedure I'm having tomorrow.
I went into the doctor's office today to have my standard two week blood draw to check my hCG. The nurse asked me how I was doing, and I mentioned that I'm still having bleeding that's heavier than I would expect at this point. They did an ultrasound in the office and discovered that there is some tissue that has not passed yet from the miscarriage.
I was given the option to take a drug (can't remember the name) that would attempt to flush the tissue out with contractions and bleeding or to have a D&C. The pharmaceutical means is not guaranteed and would make it seem like I'm having the miscarriage all over again putting me out of commission for longer.
However, the recovery time for the D&C is usually 48 hours where I can resume normal activity and even exercise. I opted for the D&C so that I can get this over with and move on. I'm tired of being in "recovery" mode, and I need to get back to normal! Plus there's also a chance that they maybe able to recover the tissue and send it off for chromosome analysis to see if there were any chromosomal abnormalities that caused this miscarriage. But my doctor is checking with pathology to see how much is required since there isn't a lot in there - she isn't optimistic about this.
4. So I'm also thankful that this will all be over with very shortly.
1. For lunch with my husband.
2. That I don't live in the 18th century or earlier or in an impoverished country. I have been reading a novel that takes place during this time, and it reminds me to be thankful that we have access to modern medicine and conveniences like indoor plumbing, hot water, and indoor air conditioning.
3. For the medical insurance that my husband's company provides. We have been fortunate to be covered under a plan that has taken care of all of our medical needs during this past year and for the procedure I'm having tomorrow.
I went into the doctor's office today to have my standard two week blood draw to check my hCG. The nurse asked me how I was doing, and I mentioned that I'm still having bleeding that's heavier than I would expect at this point. They did an ultrasound in the office and discovered that there is some tissue that has not passed yet from the miscarriage.
I was given the option to take a drug (can't remember the name) that would attempt to flush the tissue out with contractions and bleeding or to have a D&C. The pharmaceutical means is not guaranteed and would make it seem like I'm having the miscarriage all over again putting me out of commission for longer.
However, the recovery time for the D&C is usually 48 hours where I can resume normal activity and even exercise. I opted for the D&C so that I can get this over with and move on. I'm tired of being in "recovery" mode, and I need to get back to normal! Plus there's also a chance that they maybe able to recover the tissue and send it off for chromosome analysis to see if there were any chromosomal abnormalities that caused this miscarriage. But my doctor is checking with pathology to see how much is required since there isn't a lot in there - she isn't optimistic about this.
4. So I'm also thankful that this will all be over with very shortly.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Pride lasts longer than pain
Being a home daycare provider, I subscribe to these cutesy little motivational emails giving encouragement, tips, and advice on various childcare topics. I usually don't read them anymore since I've fallen into my daycare "groove", but today I received one that must have compelled me because I read the whole thing, and it really hit home.
The back story about completing a marathon was irrelevant to me for making the point - pride lasts longer than pain. I know this message intimately.
Every time I've been through a loss or stressful event, I always think how much easier life would be without operating the daycare. And I always seriously consider shutting down. Kevin has said he will back me in whatever decision I make, but I always wait it out to make sure I'm not making any rash decisions. And I always come back to embracing it. Once the pain subsides, my pride in the work that I do and what I provide for my family and other families always wins out.
So today, I'm thankful
1. For the little personalities that I'm entrusted with on a daily basis. I'm grateful for the trust of their parents, and for the positive impact I am making in their lives and for the impact they've had on mine.
2. That I've come to realize the stress pattern, and can now catch the triggers and provide myself with the self care necessary to keep my balance with the stress and the services I offer.
3. For my reliable, compassionate, trustworthy aide Anna, and for our ability to afford to pay her! Is it kosher to repeat a gratitude item? Not sure, but I'm always thankful for this one! Without her quality care for the kids and her awesome work ethic, I would either loose my mind or have to shut down. Thanks again, Anna!
-- Post From My iPhone
The back story about completing a marathon was irrelevant to me for making the point - pride lasts longer than pain. I know this message intimately.
Every time I've been through a loss or stressful event, I always think how much easier life would be without operating the daycare. And I always seriously consider shutting down. Kevin has said he will back me in whatever decision I make, but I always wait it out to make sure I'm not making any rash decisions. And I always come back to embracing it. Once the pain subsides, my pride in the work that I do and what I provide for my family and other families always wins out.
So today, I'm thankful
1. For the little personalities that I'm entrusted with on a daily basis. I'm grateful for the trust of their parents, and for the positive impact I am making in their lives and for the impact they've had on mine.
2. That I've come to realize the stress pattern, and can now catch the triggers and provide myself with the self care necessary to keep my balance with the stress and the services I offer.
3. For my reliable, compassionate, trustworthy aide Anna, and for our ability to afford to pay her! Is it kosher to repeat a gratitude item? Not sure, but I'm always thankful for this one! Without her quality care for the kids and her awesome work ethic, I would either loose my mind or have to shut down. Thanks again, Anna!
-- Post From My iPhone
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Gratitude day 7
Today, I'm thankful
1. That today feels like Monday instead of Tuesday. Perhaps this week will go by quickly because of it!
2. That we have our second car back, and the transmission flushed fixed the problem, and we don't have to get the transmission replaced!
3. That I got my island cleaned off along with Savannah's room. Let's see how long it stays that way until we have to make a project out of it again...
-- Post From My iPhone
1. That today feels like Monday instead of Tuesday. Perhaps this week will go by quickly because of it!
2. That we have our second car back, and the transmission flushed fixed the problem, and we don't have to get the transmission replaced!
3. That I got my island cleaned off along with Savannah's room. Let's see how long it stays that way until we have to make a project out of it again...
-- Post From My iPhone
Monday, January 18, 2010
Gratitude day 6
Today, I'm thankful
1. That my grocery shopping is done (at least for the week).
2. That I was able to take a few hours away from the daycare home and go see a movie.
3. That I've realized that it's just as important to take care of my mental health as well as my physical health and to not feel guilty about it! (although I'm still working on the not feeling guilty part...)
-- Post From My iPhone
1. That my grocery shopping is done (at least for the week).
2. That I was able to take a few hours away from the daycare home and go see a movie.
3. That I've realized that it's just as important to take care of my mental health as well as my physical health and to not feel guilty about it! (although I'm still working on the not feeling guilty part...)
-- Post From My iPhone
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