Today, I am thankful
1. That we will be able to get our car fixed (despite the steep cost of repairs), and it should be ready by early next week. Yay freedom!
2. That I will be able to attend my brother's wedding in February in El Paso. I was not originally planning on going (which I deeply regretted) because I was hoping to be pregnant, and I made a strict no traveling rule while pregnant. I am sad about the circumstances that have allowed me to go, but I am thankful that I can. It is bittersweet. I am also extremely thankful for my parents' generosity for purchasing plane tickets for me and Savannah. I wouldn't be able to afford to go without that. Thanks mom and dad!
3. For having the time and freedom to be able to write about my thoughts and feelings. I have noticed that things don't seem so dark and depressing after I get them out of my head and "into the computer". It has proved to be healing in a cathartic way.
-- Post From My iPhone
Friday, January 15, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Gratitude day 2
Today, I am thankful for
1. Having my reliable and accommodating aide, Anna, here to help me with the daycare while I recuperate.
2. Having a husband who has helped with dinners and laundry the last several weeks.
3. Having a great mother-in-law who has helped with rides and picking up Savannah from school while our second car is out of commission.
1. Having my reliable and accommodating aide, Anna, here to help me with the daycare while I recuperate.
2. Having a husband who has helped with dinners and laundry the last several weeks.
3. Having a great mother-in-law who has helped with rides and picking up Savannah from school while our second car is out of commission.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Sorrow and Gatitude
I have noticed an emotional pattern with the occurrence of this past loss. It has reminded me of all the emotions I had after loosing each baby, and I notice that I'm having the same emotions this time. The past miscarriage was not this painful, and I didn't expect this one to be either since I didn't loose a "tangible" baby. But I'm finding that it is more difficult to heal from this one because of all the emotions it has reminded me of.
Yes it gets easier with the passage of time. I know this already from experience. But do we ever really fully heal? I feel as if it is an old wound that is aching with the storm.
Because I am seeing the repeat of emotional patterns, it feels as if it is my more seasoned self is giving advice and guidance to my emotionally vulnerable self - both on the outside looking in and inside hurt as well.
Even though I prepared myself for this, the shock of the miscarriage has finally creeped it's way in despite how I've managed to keep myself busy. And true to emotional pattern form, I am noticing myself feeling sorry for myself. I just want to shut the world out and curl up in the dark and wallow in my own misery. The daily demands of life provide a distraction from the pain, I know, but I don't want to be distracted right now. I just want to feel it and take comfort in it.
I don't know if this is healthy or unhealthy behavior, but I don't like it about myself. So I have decided to write down at least 3 things that I'm thankful for each day to help sustain me through this time (that I know will eventually pass).
1. The first and most important thing I have to be thankful for is my healthy daughter. Her presence makes the pain of the losses easier to bear. I don't have to struggle with the question, "am I a mother?" as so many women must who loose their first baby. I have her here to distract from my sorrow and channel my mothering needs.
2. I am thankful for the blissfully ignorant first uncomplicated pregnancy. Like so many other women, my future pregnancies will forever be tarnished by the anxiety of the past losses, but I will always have that to remember and look back on with fond memories.
3. I am thankful for my health and that I can still be there for my daughter and husband. Pregnancy can be risky business, and I am thankful for the advances in medical technology that has kept me safe and healthy.
4. I am thankful for the lessons I have learned with my experiences. I have learned to be more assertive if something doesn't sit right with me. But along those lines, I am sorry it took these experiences to teach me that. I often wonder if any of it could have been prevented if I was more persistent, but I have vowed to let that not be the case going forward.
Update:
After reading this, I wonder if I'm not letting myself feel the pain. Am I distracting myself too much to allow the pain to settle in and do its job? Have I not healed from the past losses because I haven't allowed myself to be sad? Is that why this is repeating itself? Should I take time to be in a safe place to allow myself the time grieve?
I don't know the answers to those questions right now...
-- Post From My iPhone
Yes it gets easier with the passage of time. I know this already from experience. But do we ever really fully heal? I feel as if it is an old wound that is aching with the storm.
Because I am seeing the repeat of emotional patterns, it feels as if it is my more seasoned self is giving advice and guidance to my emotionally vulnerable self - both on the outside looking in and inside hurt as well.
Even though I prepared myself for this, the shock of the miscarriage has finally creeped it's way in despite how I've managed to keep myself busy. And true to emotional pattern form, I am noticing myself feeling sorry for myself. I just want to shut the world out and curl up in the dark and wallow in my own misery. The daily demands of life provide a distraction from the pain, I know, but I don't want to be distracted right now. I just want to feel it and take comfort in it.
I don't know if this is healthy or unhealthy behavior, but I don't like it about myself. So I have decided to write down at least 3 things that I'm thankful for each day to help sustain me through this time (that I know will eventually pass).
1. The first and most important thing I have to be thankful for is my healthy daughter. Her presence makes the pain of the losses easier to bear. I don't have to struggle with the question, "am I a mother?" as so many women must who loose their first baby. I have her here to distract from my sorrow and channel my mothering needs.
2. I am thankful for the blissfully ignorant first uncomplicated pregnancy. Like so many other women, my future pregnancies will forever be tarnished by the anxiety of the past losses, but I will always have that to remember and look back on with fond memories.
3. I am thankful for my health and that I can still be there for my daughter and husband. Pregnancy can be risky business, and I am thankful for the advances in medical technology that has kept me safe and healthy.
4. I am thankful for the lessons I have learned with my experiences. I have learned to be more assertive if something doesn't sit right with me. But along those lines, I am sorry it took these experiences to teach me that. I often wonder if any of it could have been prevented if I was more persistent, but I have vowed to let that not be the case going forward.
Update:
After reading this, I wonder if I'm not letting myself feel the pain. Am I distracting myself too much to allow the pain to settle in and do its job? Have I not healed from the past losses because I haven't allowed myself to be sad? Is that why this is repeating itself? Should I take time to be in a safe place to allow myself the time grieve?
I don't know the answers to those questions right now...
-- Post From My iPhone
Friday, January 8, 2010
Chocolate anyone?
Yesterday, I spoke with my OB. She and my perinatologist have decided to revise the game plan next time I get pregnant. They can't be certain that this was just another fluke thing that happened.
The pathology came back on the tissue I passed indicating "product of conception". That seemed a sufficiently vague term to me and after about an hour of googling still seems just as vague. I asked the doctor if that means there was an embryo. She didn't exactly say yes because it's hard to determine after some time has passed. From what I've been able to determine, it just means that, yes, indeed this is the product of your pregnancy...like I didn't know that already. If anybody can shed any additional light on the subject, I am welcome to the information!
Anyway, they are unable to determine if there was an chromosome abnormalities because inorder to do the analysis, they have to obtain the sample from a D&C otherwise it contains contaminates. So we really don't know if my clotting factor or a chromosomal abnormality caused the miscarried.
My doctor prefaced her advice by saying that with my condition there isn't really a standard of care they can provide that is known to work for a certain population. At this point in time, it's kinda guess work. My clotting mutation is heterozygous and typically shouldn't cause women problems in pregnancy or life in general so they usually do not have to resort to these methods, so they are treating me based on my history.
So going forward, they will start me on Lovenox (or heparin) and progesterone at the time of a positive pregnancy test rather than waiting to determine if the pregnancy is viable. The progesterone is a new thing. My doctor said there is controversy as to its effectiveness, but it won't hurt anything to take it. I didn't think to ask at the time, but I'm assuming they're suggesting it based on my low progesterone levels with the first miscarriage.
The main reason they've waiting to start the blood thinners (Lovenox) until they have confirmed a viable pregnancy is to prevent the risk of hemorrhaging or bleeding out too much if I do still miscarry. I addressed this concern with my doctor and she said that they will not completely anti-coagulate me, so the risk is reduced. If I do start spotting, they will do ultrasounds to see what's going on in there and stop the Lovenox immediately if I do miscarry.
My hCG levels are still really high. They were 60,000 on Monday and went down to 12,000 on Wednesday. My doctor said that I won't even ovulate until they go down to zero. They will take my blood every two weeks until it goes down to zero. This is to ensure that you don't have an ectopic pregnancy. A friend of mine suggested that maybe I had a blighted ovum which is a fertilized egg that doesn't develop an embryo. But after some research, I read that the hCG levels will typically drop off before you miscarry. And with those high numbers, I'm in concurrence with my doctors that this was probably caused by the clotting factor.
So now, we'll wait one cycle and start all over again. Now to find some chocolate to drown my sorrows in, and I'm not above taking free chocolate handouts *hint, hint* ;) - especially since I've immobilized with only one working car right now, grrrrr.
The pathology came back on the tissue I passed indicating "product of conception". That seemed a sufficiently vague term to me and after about an hour of googling still seems just as vague. I asked the doctor if that means there was an embryo. She didn't exactly say yes because it's hard to determine after some time has passed. From what I've been able to determine, it just means that, yes, indeed this is the product of your pregnancy...like I didn't know that already. If anybody can shed any additional light on the subject, I am welcome to the information!
Anyway, they are unable to determine if there was an chromosome abnormalities because inorder to do the analysis, they have to obtain the sample from a D&C otherwise it contains contaminates. So we really don't know if my clotting factor or a chromosomal abnormality caused the miscarried.
My doctor prefaced her advice by saying that with my condition there isn't really a standard of care they can provide that is known to work for a certain population. At this point in time, it's kinda guess work. My clotting mutation is heterozygous and typically shouldn't cause women problems in pregnancy or life in general so they usually do not have to resort to these methods, so they are treating me based on my history.
So going forward, they will start me on Lovenox (or heparin) and progesterone at the time of a positive pregnancy test rather than waiting to determine if the pregnancy is viable. The progesterone is a new thing. My doctor said there is controversy as to its effectiveness, but it won't hurt anything to take it. I didn't think to ask at the time, but I'm assuming they're suggesting it based on my low progesterone levels with the first miscarriage.
The main reason they've waiting to start the blood thinners (Lovenox) until they have confirmed a viable pregnancy is to prevent the risk of hemorrhaging or bleeding out too much if I do still miscarry. I addressed this concern with my doctor and she said that they will not completely anti-coagulate me, so the risk is reduced. If I do start spotting, they will do ultrasounds to see what's going on in there and stop the Lovenox immediately if I do miscarry.
My hCG levels are still really high. They were 60,000 on Monday and went down to 12,000 on Wednesday. My doctor said that I won't even ovulate until they go down to zero. They will take my blood every two weeks until it goes down to zero. This is to ensure that you don't have an ectopic pregnancy. A friend of mine suggested that maybe I had a blighted ovum which is a fertilized egg that doesn't develop an embryo. But after some research, I read that the hCG levels will typically drop off before you miscarry. And with those high numbers, I'm in concurrence with my doctors that this was probably caused by the clotting factor.
So now, we'll wait one cycle and start all over again. Now to find some chocolate to drown my sorrows in, and I'm not above taking free chocolate handouts *hint, hint* ;) - especially since I've immobilized with only one working car right now, grrrrr.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Recipe for loss of faith
Disclaimer: I do not mean to offend anyone with my opinions so please do not take offense. I write from my own experiences and with the intent to share and explain my thoughts and feelings.
*******************************************************
I don't know what it is about loosing a baby for the first time. It seems to anchor your religous/spiritual/dogmatic faith. You believe that there was an ultimate plan for the event that you just aren't privy to understand. Trust me, I know, I've been there. You evolve spiritually to the place you think you need to be and learn whatever lessons you think God is trying to teach you.
Then comes your next attempt and you steel yourself for the long haul and believe with all your heart, body, and soul (note I didn't say mind) that it won't happen again because you are now spiritually diligent and have faith that your all-loving god knows you need this rainbow baby to complete your healing.
But then for some, like me, tradgedy happens again and then you know it was all bullshit. You cling at first to all the old spiritual motions you are familiar with (praying, believing, searching, seeking, etc) without really feeling their comfort anymore.
So when I miscarried again yesterday, it felt like the same old drill all over again. I was 7 weeks. It started suddenly and unexpectedly Sunday evening and was practically complete by Monday morning. During this miscarriage in the angst of pain (cramping, nausea, grief, etc), I found myself wanting to cry out for something magical to fix it all. But then I remembered that we only have each other. I can certainly understand others' needs to seek comfort in those religious beliefs, and it provides that comfort for so many people, but I am at the point where I know that I can only find that comfort with my physical companions rather than an imagined being.
Medically, we think this was just another fluke thing that happened. Since we hadn't had a chance yet to do the first ultrasound, we don't know for sure really if there was a heartbeat and if this was caused by the clotting factor. Although I do have the feeling that we probably wouldn't have seen a heartbeat.
I asked the dr at my appointment yesterday when is the first ultrasound done, and she said 6 weeks which is different than what the nurse said of 8 weeks. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get in my initial 6 week OB visit at 6 weeks because the office schedule was jam packed with appointments because of the shortened holiday weeks.
Because of this experience, I've decided that I'm tired of being pushed around and made to accommodate their schedules. No more misses nice girl. My history demands compassion and accommodation and I'm not going to take no for an answer anymore. I will say that based on my experience yesterday, I am thankful I found this OB. She was very compassionate and accommodating fitting in my ad hoc appt spur of the moment and even going so far as making an exception and doing an ultrasound herself without me having to ask her.
Most of the patients in these practices have not gone through the events we have, and I'm not going to care anymore if I offend an office worker (no matter how nice they are) because I'm the one who has to live with the emotional reprocussions. Of course I'm not going to be belligerent about it. I'll do it in a nice way, but I will be persistent and ask to speak to the dr directly about my concerns.
Anyway, I am so thankful for everyone's concern and words and deeds of comfort and compassion. It doesn't fix the problem, but it does make it easier to heal.
-- Post From My iPhone
*******************************************************
I don't know what it is about loosing a baby for the first time. It seems to anchor your religous/spiritual/dogmatic faith. You believe that there was an ultimate plan for the event that you just aren't privy to understand. Trust me, I know, I've been there. You evolve spiritually to the place you think you need to be and learn whatever lessons you think God is trying to teach you.
Then comes your next attempt and you steel yourself for the long haul and believe with all your heart, body, and soul (note I didn't say mind) that it won't happen again because you are now spiritually diligent and have faith that your all-loving god knows you need this rainbow baby to complete your healing.
But then for some, like me, tradgedy happens again and then you know it was all bullshit. You cling at first to all the old spiritual motions you are familiar with (praying, believing, searching, seeking, etc) without really feeling their comfort anymore.
So when I miscarried again yesterday, it felt like the same old drill all over again. I was 7 weeks. It started suddenly and unexpectedly Sunday evening and was practically complete by Monday morning. During this miscarriage in the angst of pain (cramping, nausea, grief, etc), I found myself wanting to cry out for something magical to fix it all. But then I remembered that we only have each other. I can certainly understand others' needs to seek comfort in those religious beliefs, and it provides that comfort for so many people, but I am at the point where I know that I can only find that comfort with my physical companions rather than an imagined being.
Medically, we think this was just another fluke thing that happened. Since we hadn't had a chance yet to do the first ultrasound, we don't know for sure really if there was a heartbeat and if this was caused by the clotting factor. Although I do have the feeling that we probably wouldn't have seen a heartbeat.
I asked the dr at my appointment yesterday when is the first ultrasound done, and she said 6 weeks which is different than what the nurse said of 8 weeks. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get in my initial 6 week OB visit at 6 weeks because the office schedule was jam packed with appointments because of the shortened holiday weeks.
Because of this experience, I've decided that I'm tired of being pushed around and made to accommodate their schedules. No more misses nice girl. My history demands compassion and accommodation and I'm not going to take no for an answer anymore. I will say that based on my experience yesterday, I am thankful I found this OB. She was very compassionate and accommodating fitting in my ad hoc appt spur of the moment and even going so far as making an exception and doing an ultrasound herself without me having to ask her.
Most of the patients in these practices have not gone through the events we have, and I'm not going to care anymore if I offend an office worker (no matter how nice they are) because I'm the one who has to live with the emotional reprocussions. Of course I'm not going to be belligerent about it. I'll do it in a nice way, but I will be persistent and ask to speak to the dr directly about my concerns.
Anyway, I am so thankful for everyone's concern and words and deeds of comfort and compassion. It doesn't fix the problem, but it does make it easier to heal.
-- Post From My iPhone
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Waiting for a heartbeat
Last Friday, I went to the grocery store. I picked up some pregnancy tests since this was the day I was supposed to get my period (I say supposed, but Aunt Flow has never been a punctual visitor).
Anyway, I get home from the grocery store and it appears that our monthly visitor did arrive on time after all. I was a little disappointed - well actually really disappointed - and made a mental note to call my OB on Monday to see what course of action we can take, if any, to help events along.
Saturday rolls around and it seemed that our monthly visitor was just kidding and decided not to make an appearance after all, so I resisted the urge to take a pregnancy test right then and there and wait until Sunday morning when my urine would be nice and concentrated. My big concern was that I was indeed pregnant, but miscarrying again.
So, I took the test Sunday morning and low and behold it was positive! I hadn't had any further bleeding, but I didn't want to get too excited because any amount of blood is alarming.
I made an appointment Monday morning to have a beta hCG drawn. This measures the amount of hCG (pregnancy hormone) and progesterone in your system and can give you an indication if you're miscarrying or not. They will usually repeat the test in 48 hours and are looking for the numbers to just about double.
Good news is everything looks good so far and I haven't had any further bleeding! The nurse said the spotting doesn't necessarily indicate anything is wrong and may have happened because of a change in hormones. I am allowing myself to become a little excited, but am anxiously awaiting my first OB appointment when we can hear the heartbeat. Unfortunately, because of the holidays, I have to wait until I'm nearly 8 weeks before I have my first visit! They will call me if there are any cancellations though.
I am trying to stay as relaxed and patient as I can. I feel I am doing a good job of not letting the anxiety control my life. I haven't changed my level of activity unless I feel especially tired. I have continued to do my exercises to keep my back strong (I was recently diagnosed with fractures in my bottom two vertebrae), and have continued my yoga practice with slight modifications to accommodate the pregnancy.
I have had trouble sleeping the past week, and I will find myself waking out of a dead sleep around 3:00am and not able to go back to sleep. I don't know if this is one way the anxiety is manifesting or if it's due to the hormone changes. I don't feel especially panic-ridden so I'm leaning more to the hormone changes as the cause.
I am controlling the things I can to make sure we have a healthy baby at the end of all this, but I also realize there are so many things I can't control, and I must let nature takes its course. I just hope that the course is steered in the desired direction this time!
Anyway, I get home from the grocery store and it appears that our monthly visitor did arrive on time after all. I was a little disappointed - well actually really disappointed - and made a mental note to call my OB on Monday to see what course of action we can take, if any, to help events along.
Saturday rolls around and it seemed that our monthly visitor was just kidding and decided not to make an appearance after all, so I resisted the urge to take a pregnancy test right then and there and wait until Sunday morning when my urine would be nice and concentrated. My big concern was that I was indeed pregnant, but miscarrying again.
So, I took the test Sunday morning and low and behold it was positive! I hadn't had any further bleeding, but I didn't want to get too excited because any amount of blood is alarming.
I made an appointment Monday morning to have a beta hCG drawn. This measures the amount of hCG (pregnancy hormone) and progesterone in your system and can give you an indication if you're miscarrying or not. They will usually repeat the test in 48 hours and are looking for the numbers to just about double.
Good news is everything looks good so far and I haven't had any further bleeding! The nurse said the spotting doesn't necessarily indicate anything is wrong and may have happened because of a change in hormones. I am allowing myself to become a little excited, but am anxiously awaiting my first OB appointment when we can hear the heartbeat. Unfortunately, because of the holidays, I have to wait until I'm nearly 8 weeks before I have my first visit! They will call me if there are any cancellations though.
I am trying to stay as relaxed and patient as I can. I feel I am doing a good job of not letting the anxiety control my life. I haven't changed my level of activity unless I feel especially tired. I have continued to do my exercises to keep my back strong (I was recently diagnosed with fractures in my bottom two vertebrae), and have continued my yoga practice with slight modifications to accommodate the pregnancy.
I have had trouble sleeping the past week, and I will find myself waking out of a dead sleep around 3:00am and not able to go back to sleep. I don't know if this is one way the anxiety is manifesting or if it's due to the hormone changes. I don't feel especially panic-ridden so I'm leaning more to the hormone changes as the cause.
I am controlling the things I can to make sure we have a healthy baby at the end of all this, but I also realize there are so many things I can't control, and I must let nature takes its course. I just hope that the course is steered in the desired direction this time!
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Attempt #3, no wait! Make that #2
I know I haven't posted in a while. Things have been pretty uneventful reproductive-wise. I did have some excitement with trying to find a new daycare aide that has occupied my time and attention. I will only say that having to fire someone is one of the hardest things I've had to do in my life. I hate confrontation, and it's definately in the top 5 of things I'd like to avoid. But anyhoo...
We didn't get pregnant again this month. I was telling a friend the other day that this was our third attempt, and I was starting to get worried, but upon reevaluting the calendar I realized this was only our 2nd attempt since the miscarriage. We have always been successful in the past in 2 tries or less, and we've never had to go this long without success. I do feel less stressed that this was only the 2nd attempt. I think it seems longer to me because of the miscarriage along with several extended cycles since Garrett where I thought I was pregnant.
I still feel that I'm staying pretty relaxed about the whole thing, and being busy definately makes the time pass quickly. I try to remind myself that even though I do want the time to pass quickly so I can get to whatever stage is next in our conception attempts that it's also important to enjoy the great things that are in our lives right now - things like Savannah's very first kindergarten performance which was the cutest thing since seeing her smile for the first time!
But here's to hoping this month is *the* month, so wish us luck and lots of baby dust!
-- Post From My iPhone
We didn't get pregnant again this month. I was telling a friend the other day that this was our third attempt, and I was starting to get worried, but upon reevaluting the calendar I realized this was only our 2nd attempt since the miscarriage. We have always been successful in the past in 2 tries or less, and we've never had to go this long without success. I do feel less stressed that this was only the 2nd attempt. I think it seems longer to me because of the miscarriage along with several extended cycles since Garrett where I thought I was pregnant.
I still feel that I'm staying pretty relaxed about the whole thing, and being busy definately makes the time pass quickly. I try to remind myself that even though I do want the time to pass quickly so I can get to whatever stage is next in our conception attempts that it's also important to enjoy the great things that are in our lives right now - things like Savannah's very first kindergarten performance which was the cutest thing since seeing her smile for the first time!
But here's to hoping this month is *the* month, so wish us luck and lots of baby dust!
-- Post From My iPhone
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