Yesterday, I spoke with my OB. She and my perinatologist have decided to revise the game plan next time I get pregnant. They can't be certain that this was just another fluke thing that happened.
The pathology came back on the tissue I passed indicating "product of conception". That seemed a sufficiently vague term to me and after about an hour of googling still seems just as vague. I asked the doctor if that means there was an embryo. She didn't exactly say yes because it's hard to determine after some time has passed. From what I've been able to determine, it just means that, yes, indeed this is the product of your pregnancy...like I didn't know that already. If anybody can shed any additional light on the subject, I am welcome to the information!
Anyway, they are unable to determine if there was an chromosome abnormalities because inorder to do the analysis, they have to obtain the sample from a D&C otherwise it contains contaminates. So we really don't know if my clotting factor or a chromosomal abnormality caused the miscarried.
My doctor prefaced her advice by saying that with my condition there isn't really a standard of care they can provide that is known to work for a certain population. At this point in time, it's kinda guess work. My clotting mutation is heterozygous and typically shouldn't cause women problems in pregnancy or life in general so they usually do not have to resort to these methods, so they are treating me based on my history.
So going forward, they will start me on Lovenox (or heparin) and progesterone at the time of a positive pregnancy test rather than waiting to determine if the pregnancy is viable. The progesterone is a new thing. My doctor said there is controversy as to its effectiveness, but it won't hurt anything to take it. I didn't think to ask at the time, but I'm assuming they're suggesting it based on my low progesterone levels with the first miscarriage.
The main reason they've waiting to start the blood thinners (Lovenox) until they have confirmed a viable pregnancy is to prevent the risk of hemorrhaging or bleeding out too much if I do still miscarry. I addressed this concern with my doctor and she said that they will not completely anti-coagulate me, so the risk is reduced. If I do start spotting, they will do ultrasounds to see what's going on in there and stop the Lovenox immediately if I do miscarry.
My hCG levels are still really high. They were 60,000 on Monday and went down to 12,000 on Wednesday. My doctor said that I won't even ovulate until they go down to zero. They will take my blood every two weeks until it goes down to zero. This is to ensure that you don't have an ectopic pregnancy. A friend of mine suggested that maybe I had a blighted ovum which is a fertilized egg that doesn't develop an embryo. But after some research, I read that the hCG levels will typically drop off before you miscarry. And with those high numbers, I'm in concurrence with my doctors that this was probably caused by the clotting factor.
So now, we'll wait one cycle and start all over again. Now to find some chocolate to drown my sorrows in, and I'm not above taking free chocolate handouts *hint, hint* ;) - especially since I've immobilized with only one working car right now, grrrrr.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Recipe for loss of faith
Disclaimer: I do not mean to offend anyone with my opinions so please do not take offense. I write from my own experiences and with the intent to share and explain my thoughts and feelings.
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I don't know what it is about loosing a baby for the first time. It seems to anchor your religous/spiritual/dogmatic faith. You believe that there was an ultimate plan for the event that you just aren't privy to understand. Trust me, I know, I've been there. You evolve spiritually to the place you think you need to be and learn whatever lessons you think God is trying to teach you.
Then comes your next attempt and you steel yourself for the long haul and believe with all your heart, body, and soul (note I didn't say mind) that it won't happen again because you are now spiritually diligent and have faith that your all-loving god knows you need this rainbow baby to complete your healing.
But then for some, like me, tradgedy happens again and then you know it was all bullshit. You cling at first to all the old spiritual motions you are familiar with (praying, believing, searching, seeking, etc) without really feeling their comfort anymore.
So when I miscarried again yesterday, it felt like the same old drill all over again. I was 7 weeks. It started suddenly and unexpectedly Sunday evening and was practically complete by Monday morning. During this miscarriage in the angst of pain (cramping, nausea, grief, etc), I found myself wanting to cry out for something magical to fix it all. But then I remembered that we only have each other. I can certainly understand others' needs to seek comfort in those religious beliefs, and it provides that comfort for so many people, but I am at the point where I know that I can only find that comfort with my physical companions rather than an imagined being.
Medically, we think this was just another fluke thing that happened. Since we hadn't had a chance yet to do the first ultrasound, we don't know for sure really if there was a heartbeat and if this was caused by the clotting factor. Although I do have the feeling that we probably wouldn't have seen a heartbeat.
I asked the dr at my appointment yesterday when is the first ultrasound done, and she said 6 weeks which is different than what the nurse said of 8 weeks. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get in my initial 6 week OB visit at 6 weeks because the office schedule was jam packed with appointments because of the shortened holiday weeks.
Because of this experience, I've decided that I'm tired of being pushed around and made to accommodate their schedules. No more misses nice girl. My history demands compassion and accommodation and I'm not going to take no for an answer anymore. I will say that based on my experience yesterday, I am thankful I found this OB. She was very compassionate and accommodating fitting in my ad hoc appt spur of the moment and even going so far as making an exception and doing an ultrasound herself without me having to ask her.
Most of the patients in these practices have not gone through the events we have, and I'm not going to care anymore if I offend an office worker (no matter how nice they are) because I'm the one who has to live with the emotional reprocussions. Of course I'm not going to be belligerent about it. I'll do it in a nice way, but I will be persistent and ask to speak to the dr directly about my concerns.
Anyway, I am so thankful for everyone's concern and words and deeds of comfort and compassion. It doesn't fix the problem, but it does make it easier to heal.
-- Post From My iPhone
*******************************************************
I don't know what it is about loosing a baby for the first time. It seems to anchor your religous/spiritual/dogmatic faith. You believe that there was an ultimate plan for the event that you just aren't privy to understand. Trust me, I know, I've been there. You evolve spiritually to the place you think you need to be and learn whatever lessons you think God is trying to teach you.
Then comes your next attempt and you steel yourself for the long haul and believe with all your heart, body, and soul (note I didn't say mind) that it won't happen again because you are now spiritually diligent and have faith that your all-loving god knows you need this rainbow baby to complete your healing.
But then for some, like me, tradgedy happens again and then you know it was all bullshit. You cling at first to all the old spiritual motions you are familiar with (praying, believing, searching, seeking, etc) without really feeling their comfort anymore.
So when I miscarried again yesterday, it felt like the same old drill all over again. I was 7 weeks. It started suddenly and unexpectedly Sunday evening and was practically complete by Monday morning. During this miscarriage in the angst of pain (cramping, nausea, grief, etc), I found myself wanting to cry out for something magical to fix it all. But then I remembered that we only have each other. I can certainly understand others' needs to seek comfort in those religious beliefs, and it provides that comfort for so many people, but I am at the point where I know that I can only find that comfort with my physical companions rather than an imagined being.
Medically, we think this was just another fluke thing that happened. Since we hadn't had a chance yet to do the first ultrasound, we don't know for sure really if there was a heartbeat and if this was caused by the clotting factor. Although I do have the feeling that we probably wouldn't have seen a heartbeat.
I asked the dr at my appointment yesterday when is the first ultrasound done, and she said 6 weeks which is different than what the nurse said of 8 weeks. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get in my initial 6 week OB visit at 6 weeks because the office schedule was jam packed with appointments because of the shortened holiday weeks.
Because of this experience, I've decided that I'm tired of being pushed around and made to accommodate their schedules. No more misses nice girl. My history demands compassion and accommodation and I'm not going to take no for an answer anymore. I will say that based on my experience yesterday, I am thankful I found this OB. She was very compassionate and accommodating fitting in my ad hoc appt spur of the moment and even going so far as making an exception and doing an ultrasound herself without me having to ask her.
Most of the patients in these practices have not gone through the events we have, and I'm not going to care anymore if I offend an office worker (no matter how nice they are) because I'm the one who has to live with the emotional reprocussions. Of course I'm not going to be belligerent about it. I'll do it in a nice way, but I will be persistent and ask to speak to the dr directly about my concerns.
Anyway, I am so thankful for everyone's concern and words and deeds of comfort and compassion. It doesn't fix the problem, but it does make it easier to heal.
-- Post From My iPhone
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Waiting for a heartbeat
Last Friday, I went to the grocery store. I picked up some pregnancy tests since this was the day I was supposed to get my period (I say supposed, but Aunt Flow has never been a punctual visitor).
Anyway, I get home from the grocery store and it appears that our monthly visitor did arrive on time after all. I was a little disappointed - well actually really disappointed - and made a mental note to call my OB on Monday to see what course of action we can take, if any, to help events along.
Saturday rolls around and it seemed that our monthly visitor was just kidding and decided not to make an appearance after all, so I resisted the urge to take a pregnancy test right then and there and wait until Sunday morning when my urine would be nice and concentrated. My big concern was that I was indeed pregnant, but miscarrying again.
So, I took the test Sunday morning and low and behold it was positive! I hadn't had any further bleeding, but I didn't want to get too excited because any amount of blood is alarming.
I made an appointment Monday morning to have a beta hCG drawn. This measures the amount of hCG (pregnancy hormone) and progesterone in your system and can give you an indication if you're miscarrying or not. They will usually repeat the test in 48 hours and are looking for the numbers to just about double.
Good news is everything looks good so far and I haven't had any further bleeding! The nurse said the spotting doesn't necessarily indicate anything is wrong and may have happened because of a change in hormones. I am allowing myself to become a little excited, but am anxiously awaiting my first OB appointment when we can hear the heartbeat. Unfortunately, because of the holidays, I have to wait until I'm nearly 8 weeks before I have my first visit! They will call me if there are any cancellations though.
I am trying to stay as relaxed and patient as I can. I feel I am doing a good job of not letting the anxiety control my life. I haven't changed my level of activity unless I feel especially tired. I have continued to do my exercises to keep my back strong (I was recently diagnosed with fractures in my bottom two vertebrae), and have continued my yoga practice with slight modifications to accommodate the pregnancy.
I have had trouble sleeping the past week, and I will find myself waking out of a dead sleep around 3:00am and not able to go back to sleep. I don't know if this is one way the anxiety is manifesting or if it's due to the hormone changes. I don't feel especially panic-ridden so I'm leaning more to the hormone changes as the cause.
I am controlling the things I can to make sure we have a healthy baby at the end of all this, but I also realize there are so many things I can't control, and I must let nature takes its course. I just hope that the course is steered in the desired direction this time!
Anyway, I get home from the grocery store and it appears that our monthly visitor did arrive on time after all. I was a little disappointed - well actually really disappointed - and made a mental note to call my OB on Monday to see what course of action we can take, if any, to help events along.
Saturday rolls around and it seemed that our monthly visitor was just kidding and decided not to make an appearance after all, so I resisted the urge to take a pregnancy test right then and there and wait until Sunday morning when my urine would be nice and concentrated. My big concern was that I was indeed pregnant, but miscarrying again.
So, I took the test Sunday morning and low and behold it was positive! I hadn't had any further bleeding, but I didn't want to get too excited because any amount of blood is alarming.
I made an appointment Monday morning to have a beta hCG drawn. This measures the amount of hCG (pregnancy hormone) and progesterone in your system and can give you an indication if you're miscarrying or not. They will usually repeat the test in 48 hours and are looking for the numbers to just about double.
Good news is everything looks good so far and I haven't had any further bleeding! The nurse said the spotting doesn't necessarily indicate anything is wrong and may have happened because of a change in hormones. I am allowing myself to become a little excited, but am anxiously awaiting my first OB appointment when we can hear the heartbeat. Unfortunately, because of the holidays, I have to wait until I'm nearly 8 weeks before I have my first visit! They will call me if there are any cancellations though.
I am trying to stay as relaxed and patient as I can. I feel I am doing a good job of not letting the anxiety control my life. I haven't changed my level of activity unless I feel especially tired. I have continued to do my exercises to keep my back strong (I was recently diagnosed with fractures in my bottom two vertebrae), and have continued my yoga practice with slight modifications to accommodate the pregnancy.
I have had trouble sleeping the past week, and I will find myself waking out of a dead sleep around 3:00am and not able to go back to sleep. I don't know if this is one way the anxiety is manifesting or if it's due to the hormone changes. I don't feel especially panic-ridden so I'm leaning more to the hormone changes as the cause.
I am controlling the things I can to make sure we have a healthy baby at the end of all this, but I also realize there are so many things I can't control, and I must let nature takes its course. I just hope that the course is steered in the desired direction this time!
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Attempt #3, no wait! Make that #2
I know I haven't posted in a while. Things have been pretty uneventful reproductive-wise. I did have some excitement with trying to find a new daycare aide that has occupied my time and attention. I will only say that having to fire someone is one of the hardest things I've had to do in my life. I hate confrontation, and it's definately in the top 5 of things I'd like to avoid. But anyhoo...
We didn't get pregnant again this month. I was telling a friend the other day that this was our third attempt, and I was starting to get worried, but upon reevaluting the calendar I realized this was only our 2nd attempt since the miscarriage. We have always been successful in the past in 2 tries or less, and we've never had to go this long without success. I do feel less stressed that this was only the 2nd attempt. I think it seems longer to me because of the miscarriage along with several extended cycles since Garrett where I thought I was pregnant.
I still feel that I'm staying pretty relaxed about the whole thing, and being busy definately makes the time pass quickly. I try to remind myself that even though I do want the time to pass quickly so I can get to whatever stage is next in our conception attempts that it's also important to enjoy the great things that are in our lives right now - things like Savannah's very first kindergarten performance which was the cutest thing since seeing her smile for the first time!
But here's to hoping this month is *the* month, so wish us luck and lots of baby dust!
-- Post From My iPhone
We didn't get pregnant again this month. I was telling a friend the other day that this was our third attempt, and I was starting to get worried, but upon reevaluting the calendar I realized this was only our 2nd attempt since the miscarriage. We have always been successful in the past in 2 tries or less, and we've never had to go this long without success. I do feel less stressed that this was only the 2nd attempt. I think it seems longer to me because of the miscarriage along with several extended cycles since Garrett where I thought I was pregnant.
I still feel that I'm staying pretty relaxed about the whole thing, and being busy definately makes the time pass quickly. I try to remind myself that even though I do want the time to pass quickly so I can get to whatever stage is next in our conception attempts that it's also important to enjoy the great things that are in our lives right now - things like Savannah's very first kindergarten performance which was the cutest thing since seeing her smile for the first time!
But here's to hoping this month is *the* month, so wish us luck and lots of baby dust!
-- Post From My iPhone
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Feelings of Disappointment and Frustration
Ok, ok. Now that the disappointment of not being pregnant has worn off, I'm not so eager to seek artificial assistance for conceiving. I don't know how people with infertility issues deal month after month with the disappointment. I've never had to go more than 2 months without conceiving, but I'm always frustrated after the first month!
I will say that I do have a limit to how many more times I am willing to go through pregnancy (barring anymore unforeseen circumstances of course). Given this, we have decided to continue our attempts to conceive naturally for this pregnancy. Depending on the gender of this upcoming baby, we will then make a determination if we will use PGD (preimplantation genetic diagnosis) to determine gender for the subsequent pregnancies.
With the little information Kevin has told me and the little research I've done on this method, I'm surprised that more people who use IVF don't use PGD as well for extra insurance. It can screen for the presence of a large number of genetic disorders before the embryo is implanted helping to prevent any additional heartache that may results for naturally occurring chromosome mistakes or inherited genetic mutations. The additional fees for the test are not that much more when you factor in what IVF costs anyway.
After thinking through all of our options, I'm secretly (although not so secretly now) hoping that the next baby is a girl. Then we can plan to use PGD to have our two boys for the pregnancy after this one. Even though events don't always go as we hope and plan them, I wouldn't mind being pregnant 2 more times, but 3 is stretching it!
I will say that I do have a limit to how many more times I am willing to go through pregnancy (barring anymore unforeseen circumstances of course). Given this, we have decided to continue our attempts to conceive naturally for this pregnancy. Depending on the gender of this upcoming baby, we will then make a determination if we will use PGD (preimplantation genetic diagnosis) to determine gender for the subsequent pregnancies.
With the little information Kevin has told me and the little research I've done on this method, I'm surprised that more people who use IVF don't use PGD as well for extra insurance. It can screen for the presence of a large number of genetic disorders before the embryo is implanted helping to prevent any additional heartache that may results for naturally occurring chromosome mistakes or inherited genetic mutations. The additional fees for the test are not that much more when you factor in what IVF costs anyway.
After thinking through all of our options, I'm secretly (although not so secretly now) hoping that the next baby is a girl. Then we can plan to use PGD to have our two boys for the pregnancy after this one. Even though events don't always go as we hope and plan them, I wouldn't mind being pregnant 2 more times, but 3 is stretching it!
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Negative, Ghostrider
The pregnancy test came back negative, but I'm still awaiting my period. Going on cycle day 35. This happened once before, but this isn't the norm for me. I hope it's not an early sign of the end of my reproductive years...
Speaking of childbearing years, I am getting to the point where I am anxious to be past this stage in my life. I have been pregnant 3 times (4 if you count the early miscarriage), and I'm starting to feel fatigued at the prospect of having to do this 2-3 more times not to mention the fear of the risk associated with being pregnant. I'm especially reminded of this with all this swine flu news recently. Just the other day, I learned that pregnant women who contract this particular stain of the virus are 9 times as likely to die! Working in a daycare setting only increases the risk of contracting the disease. It's so easy to say that that won't happen to me, but my past experience leaves little room for that freedom of thought.
My parents were done having kids already by my age, and I feel like I'm in limbo waiting for the completion of our family. Kevin wants two living sons (he doesn't count Garrett in the mix). While I don't understand or agree, I do understand that it's important to him, and I don't mind trying to help him achieve his goal.
We've tried various ways to try to influence the gender at conception, and we've had mixed results with neither of us being convinced that those methods really work. But apparently you can guarantee the results with a method that also screens for genetic disorders. The embryo is then implanted via IVF.
I was initially put off by the idea of this especially with a price tag of $20k which would most likely not be covered by insurance. But the prospect of only having to go through pregnancy one more time with two implanted males is sounding more and more appealing. Not only would we be done with childbearing, but we would have the peace of mind that the children I will be carrying will not have any genetic disorders. While we've never had a problem with genetic disorders, having the peace of mind that we're carrying healthy children is worth it to me alone.
We still have a lot of research to do on this and still need to weigh the options, but it would be so nice to know I only have one more pregnancy to look forward to.
-- Post From My iPhone
Speaking of childbearing years, I am getting to the point where I am anxious to be past this stage in my life. I have been pregnant 3 times (4 if you count the early miscarriage), and I'm starting to feel fatigued at the prospect of having to do this 2-3 more times not to mention the fear of the risk associated with being pregnant. I'm especially reminded of this with all this swine flu news recently. Just the other day, I learned that pregnant women who contract this particular stain of the virus are 9 times as likely to die! Working in a daycare setting only increases the risk of contracting the disease. It's so easy to say that that won't happen to me, but my past experience leaves little room for that freedom of thought.
My parents were done having kids already by my age, and I feel like I'm in limbo waiting for the completion of our family. Kevin wants two living sons (he doesn't count Garrett in the mix). While I don't understand or agree, I do understand that it's important to him, and I don't mind trying to help him achieve his goal.
We've tried various ways to try to influence the gender at conception, and we've had mixed results with neither of us being convinced that those methods really work. But apparently you can guarantee the results with a method that also screens for genetic disorders. The embryo is then implanted via IVF.
I was initially put off by the idea of this especially with a price tag of $20k which would most likely not be covered by insurance. But the prospect of only having to go through pregnancy one more time with two implanted males is sounding more and more appealing. Not only would we be done with childbearing, but we would have the peace of mind that the children I will be carrying will not have any genetic disorders. While we've never had a problem with genetic disorders, having the peace of mind that we're carrying healthy children is worth it to me alone.
We still have a lot of research to do on this and still need to weigh the options, but it would be so nice to know I only have one more pregnancy to look forward to.
-- Post From My iPhone
Monday, October 12, 2009
Late?
Today I am officially "late". Going in for a pregnancy test tomorrow... Nothing more to see here. Move along!
-- Post From My iPhone
-- Post From My iPhone
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