I had a sonogram today, and luckily my body has taken care of the miscarriage on its own. I won't be needing a D&C thankfully. The bleeding and cramping have gone down a lot since Sunday, but the doctor said I should have some bleeding for about 2 weeks. I have another appointment around that time to make sure my hCG levels are back to normal. I should get clearance at that time to resume normal activity and exercise. We have to wait for one normal cycle and then we can start trying again.
On a lighter note, we've already decided where we're going to go on vacation - Vegas baby!
We're planning on leaving on Saturday, August 29th and coming back on Friday, September 4th. Then I get Labor Day Monday off to recoup from the vacation! Who could ask for more than that!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Time to Get Away
We went to our scheduled counseling appointment yesterday. At first, I wasn't sure if this person was completely off or a genius, but I'm coming around to the notion that she has us pegged pretty well.
We talked about the miscarriage in progress and what we're doing to comfort ourselves right now. It goes without saying that it is painful for me. But I'm sure most men are like my husband and don't feel the need to be comforted. It's not socially acceptable for a man to hurt during such an event. After all, they aren't the one who is physically pregnant. In my more naive, less loss-tarnished days, I used to believe that it was silly for women to say, "we're pregnant," since the man does not have to bear the physical load. But I've realized that attitude is just buying into the damaging attitude encouraged by western society and encourages men to deny themselves to be witnessed becoming emotionally involved.
When I'm pregnant now, I say, "we're pregnant," and when we've lost babies or pregnancies, I say, "we had a miscarriage," or, "we lost a baby." My husband has contributed more than just half the DNA. Aside from the fact that these have been his children too, his actions and decisions also helped lay the foundation to support the children that would have resulted from these pregnancies. He has let my needs and desires influence his decisions so that I can mother our offspring in the way I most feel comfortable. While my husband would argue that emotions don't play a factor for him making a decision, I argue that it does involve an emotional investment - just as deciding and becoming pregnant involves an emotional investment by both parties. It's akin to placing the next to last piece in a puzzle we've worked so long to complete. Who can deny becoming excited at the prospect of completing the puzzle with the children you anticipate, and then being disappointed when the last puzzle piece gets snatched away? Now I know that men don't see things surrounding our losses the same way us women do. But aside from this, men have been told to deny and repress their disappointment and pain to avert the risk of being seen as weak or inferior. I don't know what the answer is, but it is a sad state of affairs.
Anyway, enough about my soapbox and my husband's repressed emotional pain. Our counselor suggested taking some time for a vacation to recoup and recover. I've noticed myself starting to develop a love/hate relationship with the daycare. I take great pride in my exceptional program and the quality of care I provide, but I am becoming resentful that I cannot take a break right now when I most need it. I only closed for 6 days with the help of an aide when I had the abruption in March. It is starting to take it's toll. I have heard of other people taking vacations after such losses and longed to do the same. But I never let myself consider the idea.
To better understand how I operate, you need to understand that I am a perfectionist. I tell people that does NOT make me perfect. It only means I'm exceptionally hard on myself when something is not done the way I think it should be done. It is an exhausting way to live. Hence the reason my counselor is encouraging me to change my thoughts from, "I should," to, "I deserve." It must be working because I kept telling my husband, "I deserve cake right now!" He thought it was ludicrous, but my counselor thought it was good progress. In either case it has been an ongoing joke the last 3 days and will probably result in the gain of 10 pounds.
But aside from whether I deserve cake or not, we both deserve a vacation to recoup from our loss and agreed to take one just the two of us. I am becoming excited at the prospect of getting away from life's daily demand. Now to decide where...
-- Post From My iPhone
We talked about the miscarriage in progress and what we're doing to comfort ourselves right now. It goes without saying that it is painful for me. But I'm sure most men are like my husband and don't feel the need to be comforted. It's not socially acceptable for a man to hurt during such an event. After all, they aren't the one who is physically pregnant. In my more naive, less loss-tarnished days, I used to believe that it was silly for women to say, "we're pregnant," since the man does not have to bear the physical load. But I've realized that attitude is just buying into the damaging attitude encouraged by western society and encourages men to deny themselves to be witnessed becoming emotionally involved.
When I'm pregnant now, I say, "we're pregnant," and when we've lost babies or pregnancies, I say, "we had a miscarriage," or, "we lost a baby." My husband has contributed more than just half the DNA. Aside from the fact that these have been his children too, his actions and decisions also helped lay the foundation to support the children that would have resulted from these pregnancies. He has let my needs and desires influence his decisions so that I can mother our offspring in the way I most feel comfortable. While my husband would argue that emotions don't play a factor for him making a decision, I argue that it does involve an emotional investment - just as deciding and becoming pregnant involves an emotional investment by both parties. It's akin to placing the next to last piece in a puzzle we've worked so long to complete. Who can deny becoming excited at the prospect of completing the puzzle with the children you anticipate, and then being disappointed when the last puzzle piece gets snatched away? Now I know that men don't see things surrounding our losses the same way us women do. But aside from this, men have been told to deny and repress their disappointment and pain to avert the risk of being seen as weak or inferior. I don't know what the answer is, but it is a sad state of affairs.
Anyway, enough about my soapbox and my husband's repressed emotional pain. Our counselor suggested taking some time for a vacation to recoup and recover. I've noticed myself starting to develop a love/hate relationship with the daycare. I take great pride in my exceptional program and the quality of care I provide, but I am becoming resentful that I cannot take a break right now when I most need it. I only closed for 6 days with the help of an aide when I had the abruption in March. It is starting to take it's toll. I have heard of other people taking vacations after such losses and longed to do the same. But I never let myself consider the idea.
To better understand how I operate, you need to understand that I am a perfectionist. I tell people that does NOT make me perfect. It only means I'm exceptionally hard on myself when something is not done the way I think it should be done. It is an exhausting way to live. Hence the reason my counselor is encouraging me to change my thoughts from, "I should," to, "I deserve." It must be working because I kept telling my husband, "I deserve cake right now!" He thought it was ludicrous, but my counselor thought it was good progress. In either case it has been an ongoing joke the last 3 days and will probably result in the gain of 10 pounds.
But aside from whether I deserve cake or not, we both deserve a vacation to recoup from our loss and agreed to take one just the two of us. I am becoming excited at the prospect of getting away from life's daily demand. Now to decide where...
-- Post From My iPhone
Friday, August 7, 2009
Cake batter
I was going to post earlier today that things have been the same, but then the bleeding started again and heavier this time. It's absolute torture having to wait this out. I know now that I am miscarrying, but I wish it would just get it over and done with.
I take comfort in the fact that maybe there wasn't anything wrong with me this time. Maybe there was just something wrong with the pregnancy causing my progesterone to be low. I will make sure that we get it monitored before next time though. Now we also go to take comfort in a big bowl of cake batter ice cream. That should provide some distraction.
I take comfort in the fact that maybe there wasn't anything wrong with me this time. Maybe there was just something wrong with the pregnancy causing my progesterone to be low. I will make sure that we get it monitored before next time though. Now we also go to take comfort in a big bowl of cake batter ice cream. That should provide some distraction.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
The bleeding seems to have subsided. The nurse said that she doubted the progesterone would help with that. Maybe we were able to catch it in time to save the pregnancy though. We will see on the 18th if there's actually a baby in there.
I am already preparing myself for being disappointed. I am still holding out hope, but I wish I wouldn't so it wouldn't hurt so bad.
I keep going around in my head that I'm not having cramps, and I haven't passed tissue, and the bleeding is subsiding, and I'm not doing this and I'm not doing that. But I don't want to convince myself it'll be okay. I'd rather be pleasantly surprised if we do find a heartbeat rather than sadly disappointed if we don't. But I still know I will be disappointed. But I tell myself, "that's okay, we can try again". It's enough to drive you crazy though.
I'm also trying to rest during the day. I will let my sub watch the daycare, and I'll try to take a nap. I lay in bed, and I think I feel the blood or a cramp coming on. I want to rush to the bathroom to check, but I can't do that every 5 minutes! So I make myself ignore it and reassure myself that I'm already doing everything I can to protect the pregnancy and decide to let nature take it's course either way. If I'm bleeding, I will deal with it after my nap.
Having to ask the people around me for help with the things I'm used to doing is very difficult as well! But despite that difficulty, I only wish I could put my emotions on hold like the bathroom checks until after we have the sono.
Update: I called the dr office this morning at their request to let them know how I'm doing. I let the nurse know that the bleeding seems to have stopped, and she was encouraged by this and told me to keep doing what I'm doing. Maybe there is hope, but I'm afraid to believe everything will be okay...
-- Post From My iPhone
I am already preparing myself for being disappointed. I am still holding out hope, but I wish I wouldn't so it wouldn't hurt so bad.
I keep going around in my head that I'm not having cramps, and I haven't passed tissue, and the bleeding is subsiding, and I'm not doing this and I'm not doing that. But I don't want to convince myself it'll be okay. I'd rather be pleasantly surprised if we do find a heartbeat rather than sadly disappointed if we don't. But I still know I will be disappointed. But I tell myself, "that's okay, we can try again". It's enough to drive you crazy though.
I'm also trying to rest during the day. I will let my sub watch the daycare, and I'll try to take a nap. I lay in bed, and I think I feel the blood or a cramp coming on. I want to rush to the bathroom to check, but I can't do that every 5 minutes! So I make myself ignore it and reassure myself that I'm already doing everything I can to protect the pregnancy and decide to let nature take it's course either way. If I'm bleeding, I will deal with it after my nap.
Having to ask the people around me for help with the things I'm used to doing is very difficult as well! But despite that difficulty, I only wish I could put my emotions on hold like the bathroom checks until after we have the sono.
Update: I called the dr office this morning at their request to let them know how I'm doing. I let the nurse know that the bleeding seems to have stopped, and she was encouraged by this and told me to keep doing what I'm doing. Maybe there is hope, but I'm afraid to believe everything will be okay...
-- Post From My iPhone
Monday, August 3, 2009
Let's play the Waiting Game! Yeehaww!
Well, I started bleeding yesterday while I was pushing that huge ton of weight around they call a grocery cart. It's not been very much bleeding, but more than I'm comfortable with. I take comfort in the fact that I've not had any cramping. I called the doctor yesterday and they're not too optimistic about the pregnancy. There isn't really anything they can do at this point, and I already knew that anyway. My doctor did advise me to put my feet up and take it easy.
My mother-in-law and husband were nice enough to clean up after dinner for me last night. It just goes to show that maybe Kevin does exhibit some emotion if he was concerned enough to actually help do dishes. Too bad I was too concerned about the pregnancy to really enjoy watching him at it for the first time!
Anyway, I called the doctor's office again today to see if they had the results from the beta hCG they did on Friday. My hCG had nearly doubled which is good, but my progesterone went from 9mg on Wednesday to 6.5mg on Friday. That's not good; in fact that's bad. Progesterone helps to sustain a pregnancy. If my body is not producing enough, I can loose this pregnancy. My understanding is it can also indicate that something is wrong with this pregnancy.
They prescribed me some progesterone pills but did it more for my benefit I think. The nurse really doesn't think it will make a difference either way. I don't think I ever had a problem with low progesterone before, but I don't really know because it was never measured before. I do know that I never had this kind of bleeding before except right before I had the abuption.
At this point, it's a waiting game. They will do another ultrasound on Tues 8/18 if I make it that long to see if there's a heartbeat. There's a high likelihood there won't even be an embryo in there.
I did have my substitute come in today and the rest of this week to help me with the daycare. And I have an aid hired that is going to start the following Monday. That will give me a chance to get my feet up and help protect this pregnancy if there's something in there well enough to save.
All we can do now is play the waiting game and hope for the best. I am trying to not hang all my hopes on a slim chance, and I can already see myself preparing for what I fear to be inevitable. I am already feeling disappointed, but if I loose this pregnancy I know we can try again. I am also going to ask that they monitor my progesterone prior to pregnancy to see if anything can be done to prevent this next time.
It just seems like the odds are starting to be stacked against us. I appreciate the fact more and more each day that we were able to have a healthy child from our first pregnancy and that it was untarnished by all this anxiety and complications. That's more than most people get who are faced with the problems we've been faced with recently.
My mother-in-law and husband were nice enough to clean up after dinner for me last night. It just goes to show that maybe Kevin does exhibit some emotion if he was concerned enough to actually help do dishes. Too bad I was too concerned about the pregnancy to really enjoy watching him at it for the first time!
Anyway, I called the doctor's office again today to see if they had the results from the beta hCG they did on Friday. My hCG had nearly doubled which is good, but my progesterone went from 9mg on Wednesday to 6.5mg on Friday. That's not good; in fact that's bad. Progesterone helps to sustain a pregnancy. If my body is not producing enough, I can loose this pregnancy. My understanding is it can also indicate that something is wrong with this pregnancy.
They prescribed me some progesterone pills but did it more for my benefit I think. The nurse really doesn't think it will make a difference either way. I don't think I ever had a problem with low progesterone before, but I don't really know because it was never measured before. I do know that I never had this kind of bleeding before except right before I had the abuption.
At this point, it's a waiting game. They will do another ultrasound on Tues 8/18 if I make it that long to see if there's a heartbeat. There's a high likelihood there won't even be an embryo in there.
I did have my substitute come in today and the rest of this week to help me with the daycare. And I have an aid hired that is going to start the following Monday. That will give me a chance to get my feet up and help protect this pregnancy if there's something in there well enough to save.
All we can do now is play the waiting game and hope for the best. I am trying to not hang all my hopes on a slim chance, and I can already see myself preparing for what I fear to be inevitable. I am already feeling disappointed, but if I loose this pregnancy I know we can try again. I am also going to ask that they monitor my progesterone prior to pregnancy to see if anything can be done to prevent this next time.
It just seems like the odds are starting to be stacked against us. I appreciate the fact more and more each day that we were able to have a healthy child from our first pregnancy and that it was untarnished by all this anxiety and complications. That's more than most people get who are faced with the problems we've been faced with recently.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Blah!
I went back to the doctor's office today. They of course confirmed the pregnancy yesterday, but said that it was very early. I only measured 11mIU/ml hCG. I think your body will usually have less than 5mIU/ml hCG normally. They had me come in again today and took some more blood. They will measure how much hCG my body is producing as of today. They want to see it increase and optimally double from Wednesday. They use this along with progesterone numbers to measure how viable the pregnancy is. We won't have the results until Monday.
Dr. O did not start me on the blood thinners yet. She said it's too early to tell if the pregnancy is viable. If I were to start the blood thinners and then have a miscarriage, I could loose a lot of blood. As long as everything progresses normally, I am to go back in two weeks (which will be 6 weeks gestation) and have a ultrasound. As long as everything looks good, they will start me on the blood thinners at that time.
I never anticipated being on an emotional roller coaster this early in the pregnancy. I was elated when I discovered that I am pregnant and then anxious the next day worrying if this will turn into the full-blown thing. I've never had an early miscarriage, but I've heard that most women will have one at some point. I would think the fact that we've already had 2 late miscarriages would somehow magically counter the statistics, but it just doesn't work that way...
And every time that nurse takes my blood it HURTS! I'm used to getting my blood drawn, and she may be nice, but she doesn't do a very good job! Blah!
Dr. O did not start me on the blood thinners yet. She said it's too early to tell if the pregnancy is viable. If I were to start the blood thinners and then have a miscarriage, I could loose a lot of blood. As long as everything progresses normally, I am to go back in two weeks (which will be 6 weeks gestation) and have a ultrasound. As long as everything looks good, they will start me on the blood thinners at that time.
I never anticipated being on an emotional roller coaster this early in the pregnancy. I was elated when I discovered that I am pregnant and then anxious the next day worrying if this will turn into the full-blown thing. I've never had an early miscarriage, but I've heard that most women will have one at some point. I would think the fact that we've already had 2 late miscarriages would somehow magically counter the statistics, but it just doesn't work that way...
And every time that nurse takes my blood it HURTS! I'm used to getting my blood drawn, and she may be nice, but she doesn't do a very good job! Blah!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
TTC tips and tricks
We received confirmation from the doctor today that I am indeed pregnant! Even though we have had issues towards the middle or end of our pregnancies, ironically or coincidentally (whichever way you want to look at it) we have always been able to get pregnant very easily. This may have to do with body chemistry and genetics, but I like to think that some of the stuff we've done might be helpful for others as well.
However, I'd first like to say that my intention is not to minimalize very real issues that some people face when trying to conceive. My intention is to share things that have worked for us in the hopes that it may work for others to conceive more quickly. This is not a comprehensive list by any stretch of the imagination, and I encourage you to do your own research as well. This of course is not intended to replace any advice from a qualified physician.
And Dad, I know you read my blog, so you can stop right here. I would be so embarrassed if I knew you read this!
Tips for Him
However, I'd first like to say that my intention is not to minimalize very real issues that some people face when trying to conceive. My intention is to share things that have worked for us in the hopes that it may work for others to conceive more quickly. This is not a comprehensive list by any stretch of the imagination, and I encourage you to do your own research as well. This of course is not intended to replace any advice from a qualified physician.
And Dad, I know you read my blog, so you can stop right here. I would be so embarrassed if I knew you read this!
Tips for Him
- Have your mate where boxers - This allows for higher sperm production because it lowers the temperature in that region. The little guys thrive at a lower temperature so if your guy likes tightie whities, he may inadvertently be decreasing the amount of live sperm available. More is better to help increase the odds of one of them making it to the "finish line" (or the egg in other words).
- Evening Prim Rose capsules help to increase the quality and quantity of cervical mucus. The cervical mucus helps the little guys make it to the egg. The better the track the quicker they can get there. You should take 2-3 capsules a day from about the time that your period ends to when you ovulate. I took 3/day from the point that my period started to help me get in the habit before the crucial time frame. You should be able to find it at most drug stores.
- A word on measuring ovulation. I've found it best to forget about that basal body temperature and checking cervical mucus stuff. Those are additional ways you can check ovulation, but the easiest I found was to just pick up a bunch of ovulation sticks and follow the directions in the box. I wouldn't mess with those dip sticks though. Just get the sticks you can pee on. I always just used the cheap Kroger brand sticks, and I found they worked the best. Once it shows that you've had an LH surge, you will usually ovulate in the next 12-36 hours. You must "do the deed" around this time, or you will miss your opportunity to fertilize the egg.
- Mucinex can help loosen the cervical mucus allowing for better access to the egg for the little spermies. I took 600mg twice a day from the start of my period until ovulation.
- There are lubricants out there that can apparently hinder your attempts at conception. Make sure that if you use one, it is compatible. We used one called "Pre-Seed".
- Last but not least, make sure you give the "juice" enough time to do it's magic. You may not need this visual, but I rested in bed with my nether region elevated on a pillow. I would wait about 5-10 minutes. Don't wait too long; you don't want to run the risk of a urinary tract infection!
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