Blah!

I went back to the doctor's office today. They of course confirmed the pregnancy yesterday, but said that it was very early. I only measured 11mIU/ml hCG. I think your body will usually have less than 5mIU/ml hCG normally. They had me come in again today and took some more blood. They will measure how much hCG my body is producing as of today. They want to see it increase and optimally double from Wednesday. They use this along with progesterone numbers to measure how viable the pregnancy is. We won't have the results until Monday.

Dr. O did not start me on the blood thinners yet. She said it's too early to tell if the pregnancy is viable. If I were to start the blood thinners and then have a miscarriage, I could loose a lot of blood. As long as everything progresses normally, I am to go back in two weeks (which will be 6 weeks gestation) and have a ultrasound. As long as everything looks good, they will start me on the blood thinners at that time.

I never anticipated being on an emotional roller coaster this early in the pregnancy. I was elated when I discovered that I am pregnant and then anxious the next day worrying if this will turn into the full-blown thing. I've never had an early miscarriage, but I've heard that most women will have one at some point. I would think the fact that we've already had 2 late miscarriages would somehow magically counter the statistics, but it just doesn't work that way...

And every time that nurse takes my blood it HURTS! I'm used to getting my blood drawn, and she may be nice, but she doesn't do a very good job! Blah!

TTC tips and tricks

We received confirmation from the doctor today that I am indeed pregnant! Even though we have had issues towards the middle or end of our pregnancies, ironically or coincidentally (whichever way you want to look at it) we have always been able to get pregnant very easily. This may have to do with body chemistry and genetics, but I like to think that some of the stuff we've done might be helpful for others as well.

However, I'd first like to say that my intention is not to minimalize very real issues that some people face when trying to conceive. My intention is to share things that have worked for us in the hopes that it may work for others to conceive more quickly. This is not a comprehensive list by any stretch of the imagination, and I encourage you to do your own research as well. This of course is not intended to replace any advice from a qualified physician.

And Dad, I know you read my blog, so you can stop right here. I would be so embarrassed if I knew you read this!



Tips for Him

• Have your mate where boxers - This allows for higher sperm production because it lowers the temperature in that region. The little guys thrive at a lower temperature so if your guy likes tightie whities, he may inadvertently be decreasing the amount of live sperm available. More is better to help increase the odds of one of them making it to the "finish line" (or the egg in other words).
  

Tips for Her

• Evening Prim Rose capsules help to increase the quality and quantity of cervical mucus. The cervical mucus helps the little guys make it to the egg. The better the track the quicker they can get there. You should take 2-3 capsules a day from about the time that your period ends to when you ovulate. I took 3/day from the point that my period started to help me get in the habit before the crucial time frame. You should be able to find it at most drug stores.
  
• A word on measuring ovulation. I've found it best to forget about that basal body temperature and checking cervical mucus stuff. Those are additional ways you can check ovulation, but the easiest I found was to just pick up a bunch of ovulation sticks and follow the directions in the box. I wouldn't mess with those dip sticks though. Just get the sticks you can pee on. I always just used the cheap Kroger brand sticks, and I found they worked the best. Once it shows that you've had an LH surge, you will usually ovulate in the next 12-36 hours. You must "do the deed" around this time, or you will miss your opportunity to fertilize the egg.
  
• Mucinex can help loosen the cervical mucus allowing for better access to the egg for the little spermies. I took 600mg twice a day from the start of my period until ovulation.
  
• There are lubricants out there that can apparently hinder your attempts at conception. Make sure that if you use one, it is compatible. We used one called "Pre-Seed".
  
• Last but not least, make sure you give the "juice" enough time to do it's magic. You may not need this visual, but I rested in bed with my nether region elevated on a pillow. I would wait about 5-10 minutes. Don't wait too long; you don't want to run the risk of a urinary tract infection!

That was it for us. Sprinkle in some baby dust and the facade of patience and hopefully you too will be pregnant quickly!

Pregnant!

My husband jokes that if we had a buck fifty for everytime I said, "I think I'm pregnant," we'd have a couple thousand available to us. BUT I don't have to think anymore! I can finally see the second line on the test without having to strain, so I KNOW I'm pregnant now!

I'm going into the doctor this morning to have a blood test done before I get put on the blood thinners, but at this point it's just a technicality. The other good news is that my insurance will cover the lovenox (1x day injection) so I don't have to settle for the heparin (2x day injection). I don't consider myself a squimish person, but given the option I'd rather just stick myself once rather than twice a day!

Oh and BTW, this should put my due date around the beginning of April, but they will probably take the baby around the end of March.

One thing to remember is to not wish us congratulations yet - it's not said and done until we have a healthy baby in our arms. Just wish us good luck!


-- Post From My iPhone

A ray of sunshine after the storm

These past two weeks have been really rough on me. I haven't felt this down in the dumps for a long time - not since I was treated for clinical depression back in 2002. You may think that's odd considering I've had to go through two tragic events since then, but the feelings I had the past two weeks were different. I felt hopeless, helpless, and angry. When we lost our babies, I had and still have hope that we will be able to have more children. It was and is very painful to have lost our babies, but the hope helps to sustain me through the dark times.

I haven't blogged about what's been going on specifically the last two weeks because it was too raw and fresh for me to be able to do so. But I am finally seeing the light at the end of the very dark tunnel.

My husband and I got into an argument two weeks ago. Without going into too much detail, it was one of those age-old arguments about him helping out more to help relieve my stress. What initiated all of this was the fact that I was ovulating that day and feeling particularly scared about my current stress level along with bringing another baby into the picture without any sense of security that I would be able to handle it. I prodded my husband (not in the best way) for the answers I wanted - his willingness to help out more. I didn't get the answers I needed, and we ended up missing our opportunity at the ovulation period. I told him I didn't want to invest the emotional or physical time in another high risk pregnancy if my stress level is not going to be relieved. I wasn't trying to use this as a threat - just a simple statement of fact.

I knew I would have lots of fears once I was pregnant, but I never thought I would be one who was actually afraid of getting pregnant, and that is exactly what happened to me.

I found myself particularly down because this had changed how I viewed our marriage. I definitely want more children, but I was and am unwilling to do so at the expense of my own self. I looked to my husband for the answers I was seeking and did not find them. It made me question our marriage and our life together especially if I was going to have more kids with this man. And I couldn't see a way through this problem.

Then I went to the counselor last week and we talked about this argument and my fear of getting pregnant. The loss of our babies has created all this new baggage that I'm carrying around that is getting in the way of us getting pregnant now (at least that's how I view it), but we also have an underlying issue that has been there since the start.

You can read some of my thoughts on our past session on my previous blog post. She also recommended a book, The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. I started reading it yesterday, and have taken great comfort and have a new sense of hope about our situation.

When we have had problems in our marriage, I have had the view that I can only control myself. When we had differing opinions on a matter, I would go along with what Kevin wanted to do and stuff the angry feelings down and keep trudging along at the same old ragged stressful pace. I would go along for the sake of the marriage and for peace in our household at the expense of myself. You can't keep that anger bottled up indefinitely; it will inevitable come spilling out in one form or another without productive results (as most assuredly happened with me). Besides that, I would still secretly wish and hope that Kevin would "see the light" and come around to my way of thinking.

What this book has showed me is that I have been sacrificing my identity to insulate any discomfort to Kevin and ultimately for the sake of our marriage. While I was correct in my view that you can only control yourself, I was going about it the wrong way. I should have been protecting my sense of self and refused to compromise on issues important to me. I should have put more faith in my marriage and in Kevin, and allowed it to be tested regardless if it caused discomfort to Kevin. The anger I have on particular issues is there for a reason. It alerts you that something is not in balance, but I should have directed it towards a different solution rather than trying to change Kevin's point of view.

I am pleased to report that I have already had success in this new method. Kevin offered the solution of hiring an aid for my daycare business to allow me time for other things, but he has said this is depended on our budget. I have decided that we will implement this plan of action because I need it for myself. We will have to make it work in our budget. In addition to this, I have also decided to hire a babysitter on my yoga nights while Kevin is at his football practice to make sure Savannah gets to bed at a decent hour for the upcoming school year. Funny thing is, my fear and anger didn't even let me process the fact that Kevin won't even be home to help out on Tuesday and Thursday nights. The issue of getting Savannah to bed at a particular hour was not very important to Kevin, but I've realized that I must make my own solutions for the issues that are important to me regardless of the discomfort I think it will cause Kevin. I calmly told Kevin how I am going to address this issue, and to my surprise he thought that was a good idea! I even have a babysitter lined up for next week already!

After coming out on the other side, I finally understand what the counselor was talking about that "growth is uncomfortable". I was not very comfortable these last couple weeks, but it was part of the process necessary for change. And I do deserve to be less stressed, I just need to find acceptable ways to fix the problems and let Kevin worry about his discomfort that may result from that. After all this, I feel fortunate to know that Kevin is still very much committed to our family, marriage, and me and is open to ideas to help make my life easier.

I should feel like I deserve...

I met with a counselor last night, and I feel very melancholy today. I'm having myself a little pity party. I usually resist the urge to shower myself with one of these, but today I haven't had the motivation to resist. I apologize in advance for my scattered mumblings below.

I've been told that I should change the way I'm thinking from "I should do..." to "I deserve..." This is starting to become a reoccurring theme. My mother told me something similar last week.

This way of thinking is completely alien to me. I think I know the things that I deserve, but that doesn't mean I will get them. Why concentrate on what I deserve when it could be a fruitless effort? Why set myself up for unrealistic expectations and disappointment? I see it working like "fairness" in a way. As children we can remember telling our parents, "that's not fair", and you would hear the retort, "well life isn't fair". I never understood that concept until I was an adult. Life isn't fair, but you have to make the most out of what you have and the obstacles in your way. Just like fairness, deserving and reality are two very different things.

Maybe that's why it's hard for me to make the transition from "I should do..." to "I deserve..."

There are lots of things in life that I deserve, but are completely out of my control for obtaining. For example, I deserved to have my healthy living babies with me, but we saw what happened there... I also feel I must live with some of the choices I've made - that it's too late to turn back, and I may never get what I deserve (yes that is sufficiently vague for a reason).

Besides, who decides who deserves what? Do we all as human beings deserve the same things? Is there a sliding scale based on how good a person you are? Is there a grocery list of items that we all deserve? If so, where is this list, and how come I don't know about it?

My experiences have reinforced that the only things you have in life are the ones you "work" for. If you're not doing something to work towards that goal (as you should be doing), how can you get what you deserve? You make your own happiness in life, it's not going to just be handed to you on a silver platter just because you deserve it.

I find myself being resentful of people who seem to get the things they "deserve" without any effort. It seems so unfair to me (yes, I know life isn't fair), that they can get what they deserve without working for it as hard as I do. And yet, it seems no matter how hard I work, I can't get the things I deserve.

The counselor also informed me that growth is uncomfortable. I didn't realize until half-way through the session that I'm supposed to be growing here. I just hope it doesn't turn into the same disappointments I've faced in the past.

I feel guilty indulging myself in such self pity. I have lots to be thankful for in my life - a healthy child, a committed spouse, a nice house, a steady income. There are lots of people far less better off. Shouldn't I just be thankful for the good things I have in life instead of thinking about what I deserve (yes, I know this goes against the way I should be thinking - argg! there I go again!)

I realize I should (there's that word again) make an effort try out this new way of thought. Let's practice even if it doesn't feel genuine... I deserve to feel that I deserve to live with less stress and more happiness. Now, that wasn't so bad. Next step it to start working on making it feel real...

Due Date

Well, today is Garrett's should-have-been/would-have-been due date. The events leading up to this outcome are ones I didn't expected but certainly feared.

In an alternate reality, I probably would be home with Garrett already. The doctors would have suggested that I be induced early, and I would have consented being fearful of a repeat unexplained stillbirth. I would have balled my eyes out with relief upon seeing our healthy, living baby boy. I should be exhausted, bleeding, resting, and recovering from the birth right now.

But instead we had an unexplained abruption far too early for his little brain to handle at 23 weeks. Instead of bringing home a baby this weekend, I brought home his matted and framed hospital death certificate. I'm still exhausted, not able to rest like I should, fully recovered (at least physically), and don't have any visible remnants of the pregnancy remaining. In fact, I'm in better shape than I was prior to any of my pregnancies (thanks to the daycare and yoga - which has been very healing BTW).

Moving forward, I tell myself that I can finally stop thinking, "It shouldn't be this way. I should still be pregnant!" But instead my thoughts move towards, "It shouldn't be this way! We should have 3 healthy children at home."

Will I ever be able to let go of that idea? Is that what grieving is about - accepting what cannot be? I don't feel I will ever be able to accept that I lost my babies, but I have and am still learning to live with the sorrow that comes from that loss. Will I be an old woman and still feel the ache in my heart? It saddens me to know that will probably be the case.

butterfly emerges and retreat ideas

I went outside this morning to check on the last remaining cocoon, and to my delight, the butterfly had emerged and was waiting for his wings to dry!



As you can tell by the picture, the caterpillars have indeed striped my vine bare. They even began eating the sheathing around the stems. Most of the caterpillars have died because there is no food source left, so maybe it's a self correcting problem. I have been trying to be as "hands off" as possible so as to let nature take its intended course. We will see if the vine grows back after the abuse it took.

I also spoke with my yoga instructor today seeking advice on the retreat. She has put these things on in the past, and she suggested that we have a theme around the different activities offered. I'm thinking that our theme should be "toolbox for healing". Although "toolbox" sounds too masculine to me, maybe "ingredients for healing" or "recipes for healing". We'll have to work on that one, but she suggested that we focus our efforts around having activities and resources that people can take with them to continue the healing process after they go home.

I thought that was a great idea because everyone grieves differently and needs different ways to cope. I would like to give people different tools to choose from to help facilitate the process, hence the "toolbox for healing". I also think sharing your story and describing your emotions can be very healing for most women, so I also want to give plenty of time for women to just share the details and feelings of their experiences.

She also had a thought that crossed my mind as well - maybe we can get some of the area hospitals to help sponsor the event helping to reduce the cost. I'm definitely getting more excited about the retreat, and have plenty food for thought for now!

What are your thoughts out there in blog-land?