Pregnant!

My husband jokes that if we had a buck fifty for everytime I said, "I think I'm pregnant," we'd have a couple thousand available to us. BUT I don't have to think anymore! I can finally see the second line on the test without having to strain, so I KNOW I'm pregnant now!

I'm going into the doctor this morning to have a blood test done before I get put on the blood thinners, but at this point it's just a technicality. The other good news is that my insurance will cover the lovenox (1x day injection) so I don't have to settle for the heparin (2x day injection). I don't consider myself a squimish person, but given the option I'd rather just stick myself once rather than twice a day!

Oh and BTW, this should put my due date around the beginning of April, but they will probably take the baby around the end of March.

One thing to remember is to not wish us congratulations yet - it's not said and done until we have a healthy baby in our arms. Just wish us good luck!


-- Post From My iPhone

A ray of sunshine after the storm

These past two weeks have been really rough on me. I haven't felt this down in the dumps for a long time - not since I was treated for clinical depression back in 2002. You may think that's odd considering I've had to go through two tragic events since then, but the feelings I had the past two weeks were different. I felt hopeless, helpless, and angry. When we lost our babies, I had and still have hope that we will be able to have more children. It was and is very painful to have lost our babies, but the hope helps to sustain me through the dark times.

I haven't blogged about what's been going on specifically the last two weeks because it was too raw and fresh for me to be able to do so. But I am finally seeing the light at the end of the very dark tunnel.

My husband and I got into an argument two weeks ago. Without going into too much detail, it was one of those age-old arguments about him helping out more to help relieve my stress. What initiated all of this was the fact that I was ovulating that day and feeling particularly scared about my current stress level along with bringing another baby into the picture without any sense of security that I would be able to handle it. I prodded my husband (not in the best way) for the answers I wanted - his willingness to help out more. I didn't get the answers I needed, and we ended up missing our opportunity at the ovulation period. I told him I didn't want to invest the emotional or physical time in another high risk pregnancy if my stress level is not going to be relieved. I wasn't trying to use this as a threat - just a simple statement of fact.

I knew I would have lots of fears once I was pregnant, but I never thought I would be one who was actually afraid of getting pregnant, and that is exactly what happened to me.

I found myself particularly down because this had changed how I viewed our marriage. I definitely want more children, but I was and am unwilling to do so at the expense of my own self. I looked to my husband for the answers I was seeking and did not find them. It made me question our marriage and our life together especially if I was going to have more kids with this man. And I couldn't see a way through this problem.

Then I went to the counselor last week and we talked about this argument and my fear of getting pregnant. The loss of our babies has created all this new baggage that I'm carrying around that is getting in the way of us getting pregnant now (at least that's how I view it), but we also have an underlying issue that has been there since the start.

You can read some of my thoughts on our past session on my previous blog post. She also recommended a book, The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. I started reading it yesterday, and have taken great comfort and have a new sense of hope about our situation.

When we have had problems in our marriage, I have had the view that I can only control myself. When we had differing opinions on a matter, I would go along with what Kevin wanted to do and stuff the angry feelings down and keep trudging along at the same old ragged stressful pace. I would go along for the sake of the marriage and for peace in our household at the expense of myself. You can't keep that anger bottled up indefinitely; it will inevitable come spilling out in one form or another without productive results (as most assuredly happened with me). Besides that, I would still secretly wish and hope that Kevin would "see the light" and come around to my way of thinking.

What this book has showed me is that I have been sacrificing my identity to insulate any discomfort to Kevin and ultimately for the sake of our marriage. While I was correct in my view that you can only control yourself, I was going about it the wrong way. I should have been protecting my sense of self and refused to compromise on issues important to me. I should have put more faith in my marriage and in Kevin, and allowed it to be tested regardless if it caused discomfort to Kevin. The anger I have on particular issues is there for a reason. It alerts you that something is not in balance, but I should have directed it towards a different solution rather than trying to change Kevin's point of view.

I am pleased to report that I have already had success in this new method. Kevin offered the solution of hiring an aid for my daycare business to allow me time for other things, but he has said this is depended on our budget. I have decided that we will implement this plan of action because I need it for myself. We will have to make it work in our budget. In addition to this, I have also decided to hire a babysitter on my yoga nights while Kevin is at his football practice to make sure Savannah gets to bed at a decent hour for the upcoming school year. Funny thing is, my fear and anger didn't even let me process the fact that Kevin won't even be home to help out on Tuesday and Thursday nights. The issue of getting Savannah to bed at a particular hour was not very important to Kevin, but I've realized that I must make my own solutions for the issues that are important to me regardless of the discomfort I think it will cause Kevin. I calmly told Kevin how I am going to address this issue, and to my surprise he thought that was a good idea! I even have a babysitter lined up for next week already!

After coming out on the other side, I finally understand what the counselor was talking about that "growth is uncomfortable". I was not very comfortable these last couple weeks, but it was part of the process necessary for change. And I do deserve to be less stressed, I just need to find acceptable ways to fix the problems and let Kevin worry about his discomfort that may result from that. After all this, I feel fortunate to know that Kevin is still very much committed to our family, marriage, and me and is open to ideas to help make my life easier.

I should feel like I deserve...

I met with a counselor last night, and I feel very melancholy today. I'm having myself a little pity party. I usually resist the urge to shower myself with one of these, but today I haven't had the motivation to resist. I apologize in advance for my scattered mumblings below.

I've been told that I should change the way I'm thinking from "I should do..." to "I deserve..." This is starting to become a reoccurring theme. My mother told me something similar last week.

This way of thinking is completely alien to me. I think I know the things that I deserve, but that doesn't mean I will get them. Why concentrate on what I deserve when it could be a fruitless effort? Why set myself up for unrealistic expectations and disappointment? I see it working like "fairness" in a way. As children we can remember telling our parents, "that's not fair", and you would hear the retort, "well life isn't fair". I never understood that concept until I was an adult. Life isn't fair, but you have to make the most out of what you have and the obstacles in your way. Just like fairness, deserving and reality are two very different things.

Maybe that's why it's hard for me to make the transition from "I should do..." to "I deserve..."

There are lots of things in life that I deserve, but are completely out of my control for obtaining. For example, I deserved to have my healthy living babies with me, but we saw what happened there... I also feel I must live with some of the choices I've made - that it's too late to turn back, and I may never get what I deserve (yes that is sufficiently vague for a reason).

Besides, who decides who deserves what? Do we all as human beings deserve the same things? Is there a sliding scale based on how good a person you are? Is there a grocery list of items that we all deserve? If so, where is this list, and how come I don't know about it?

My experiences have reinforced that the only things you have in life are the ones you "work" for. If you're not doing something to work towards that goal (as you should be doing), how can you get what you deserve? You make your own happiness in life, it's not going to just be handed to you on a silver platter just because you deserve it.

I find myself being resentful of people who seem to get the things they "deserve" without any effort. It seems so unfair to me (yes, I know life isn't fair), that they can get what they deserve without working for it as hard as I do. And yet, it seems no matter how hard I work, I can't get the things I deserve.

The counselor also informed me that growth is uncomfortable. I didn't realize until half-way through the session that I'm supposed to be growing here. I just hope it doesn't turn into the same disappointments I've faced in the past.

I feel guilty indulging myself in such self pity. I have lots to be thankful for in my life - a healthy child, a committed spouse, a nice house, a steady income. There are lots of people far less better off. Shouldn't I just be thankful for the good things I have in life instead of thinking about what I deserve (yes, I know this goes against the way I should be thinking - argg! there I go again!)

I realize I should (there's that word again) make an effort try out this new way of thought. Let's practice even if it doesn't feel genuine... I deserve to feel that I deserve to live with less stress and more happiness. Now, that wasn't so bad. Next step it to start working on making it feel real...

Due Date

Well, today is Garrett's should-have-been/would-have-been due date. The events leading up to this outcome are ones I didn't expected but certainly feared.

In an alternate reality, I probably would be home with Garrett already. The doctors would have suggested that I be induced early, and I would have consented being fearful of a repeat unexplained stillbirth. I would have balled my eyes out with relief upon seeing our healthy, living baby boy. I should be exhausted, bleeding, resting, and recovering from the birth right now.

But instead we had an unexplained abruption far too early for his little brain to handle at 23 weeks. Instead of bringing home a baby this weekend, I brought home his matted and framed hospital death certificate. I'm still exhausted, not able to rest like I should, fully recovered (at least physically), and don't have any visible remnants of the pregnancy remaining. In fact, I'm in better shape than I was prior to any of my pregnancies (thanks to the daycare and yoga - which has been very healing BTW).

Moving forward, I tell myself that I can finally stop thinking, "It shouldn't be this way. I should still be pregnant!" But instead my thoughts move towards, "It shouldn't be this way! We should have 3 healthy children at home."

Will I ever be able to let go of that idea? Is that what grieving is about - accepting what cannot be? I don't feel I will ever be able to accept that I lost my babies, but I have and am still learning to live with the sorrow that comes from that loss. Will I be an old woman and still feel the ache in my heart? It saddens me to know that will probably be the case.

butterfly emerges and retreat ideas

I went outside this morning to check on the last remaining cocoon, and to my delight, the butterfly had emerged and was waiting for his wings to dry!



As you can tell by the picture, the caterpillars have indeed striped my vine bare. They even began eating the sheathing around the stems. Most of the caterpillars have died because there is no food source left, so maybe it's a self correcting problem. I have been trying to be as "hands off" as possible so as to let nature take its intended course. We will see if the vine grows back after the abuse it took.

I also spoke with my yoga instructor today seeking advice on the retreat. She has put these things on in the past, and she suggested that we have a theme around the different activities offered. I'm thinking that our theme should be "toolbox for healing". Although "toolbox" sounds too masculine to me, maybe "ingredients for healing" or "recipes for healing". We'll have to work on that one, but she suggested that we focus our efforts around having activities and resources that people can take with them to continue the healing process after they go home.

I thought that was a great idea because everyone grieves differently and needs different ways to cope. I would like to give people different tools to choose from to help facilitate the process, hence the "toolbox for healing". I also think sharing your story and describing your emotions can be very healing for most women, so I also want to give plenty of time for women to just share the details and feelings of their experiences.

She also had a thought that crossed my mind as well - maybe we can get some of the area hospitals to help sponsor the event helping to reduce the cost. I'm definitely getting more excited about the retreat, and have plenty food for thought for now!

What are your thoughts out there in blog-land?

Retreat?

Last week I ran across this post about an infant loss retreat on this blog I'm following. (BTW, check it out when you get a chance. She's a great writer with a dark sense of humor. She says all the stuff I'd love to say but am afraid to or not witty enough to think of.)

After reading the details, I was so excited and so very much wanted to go. I was even willing to purchase a plane ticket to Seattle on top of the $200-$300 for the retreat until I realized that I could possibly be pregnant at that time in October. My heart sank a little bit because I'm not willing to travel during my next pregnancies, and I've realized recently that I'm needing to be around people who truly understand the emotions I'm going through. I don't know if this is the next stage in my grieving or me slipping into some sort of mental illness, but I need to be around people who will allow me to talk as much as I want to about my experiences and my babies. The urge to talk about it in or out of context is so strong that I can't and don't want to control it sometimes (although there never really seems a time that the topic is out of context to me because everything seems to be a reminder recently). I've restrained myself as much as I can, but I'm not always successful or motivated to do so. I need to be able to talk as much as I need to without feeling guilty that I'm boring somebody or rubbing it in their face or ruining their good time. I need to talk to people who completely understand and want to hear my story even if I repeat the same details over and over like some pitiful, pathetic, mad woman.

Now, I should feel fortunate because since my losses I've randomly met two women who have been through similar situations. We've talked about our experiences, and I think we've bonded in a way that only women who have been through this can. It is refreshing to hear someone else's story and realize that they had and have the same emotions that you're having. You feel vindicated that you're not going crazy. When you start having thoughts and feelings that they described to you that you didn't fully understand at the time, you know that you are not alone in your grief when you start having those same thoughts. While this has been healing in a way, life does continue to go on, and you can't just go grab a cup of coffee and talk to your hearts content at the drop of a hat. I can see how having a weekend to get all these thoughts and feelings out might help one to feel more sane when you're around others who haven't been through the same experiences.

The work of grieving can be so isolating as well. However as women (like this one at mamapedia.com) we feel the need to share our experiences and talk with others who have been through the same thing. An event that lets you be with other women who have been through exactly what you have been through can be very healing.

Well, I had the bright idea this past weekend of putting on a retreat closer to home. I feel a little intimidated by the idea of organizing something like this, but how hard can it be, right? (I hope I'm not in over my head here...) When I first ran across the post about the retreat, I forwarded it to my friend Kimber who was very interested in it as well, but her daughter's birthday is that same weekend. I spoke with her on Monday asking if she'd like to help me organize it, and she said she had the same idea. I have some contacts with retreat organizing experience and services and even have a location in mind we might be able to use. I see this as a real possibility, and it makes me excited to be a part of something like this! My main concern is how do we get the word out and drum up the attendance we need to hold our little retreat? So this is the first place I'm starting. If you are reading this from "Blog Land" and would be interested in said retreat near the DFW or Southern Oklahoma area post a comment or shoot me an email at tigerlily.marie@gmail.com. Thanks and I hope to hear from you!

Cars and Butterflies

I am very happy to report that we have a second car again! Yay! Thank you to everyone who has given and offered rides in the past and would have done so in the future. I'm very relieved that we don't have to depend on other people for rides anymore and that I have more freedom again! This will also greatly simplify and relieve stress on days when I have doctor appointments.

I also went out and checked my butterflies yesterday and noticed that some of the butterflies have emerged from their cocoons. I even noticed a visiting butterfly this morning. I estimate that it took about a week for them to morph. I'm disappointed I missed it, but there is currently one cocoon left and lots more caterpillars still on the vine. I just hope they don't strip my vine bare!

Now onto the next item of business - getting pregnant!