Retreat?

Last week I ran across this post about an infant loss retreat on this blog I'm following. (BTW, check it out when you get a chance. She's a great writer with a dark sense of humor. She says all the stuff I'd love to say but am afraid to or not witty enough to think of.)

After reading the details, I was so excited and so very much wanted to go. I was even willing to purchase a plane ticket to Seattle on top of the $200-$300 for the retreat until I realized that I could possibly be pregnant at that time in October. My heart sank a little bit because I'm not willing to travel during my next pregnancies, and I've realized recently that I'm needing to be around people who truly understand the emotions I'm going through. I don't know if this is the next stage in my grieving or me slipping into some sort of mental illness, but I need to be around people who will allow me to talk as much as I want to about my experiences and my babies. The urge to talk about it in or out of context is so strong that I can't and don't want to control it sometimes (although there never really seems a time that the topic is out of context to me because everything seems to be a reminder recently). I've restrained myself as much as I can, but I'm not always successful or motivated to do so. I need to be able to talk as much as I need to without feeling guilty that I'm boring somebody or rubbing it in their face or ruining their good time. I need to talk to people who completely understand and want to hear my story even if I repeat the same details over and over like some pitiful, pathetic, mad woman.

Now, I should feel fortunate because since my losses I've randomly met two women who have been through similar situations. We've talked about our experiences, and I think we've bonded in a way that only women who have been through this can. It is refreshing to hear someone else's story and realize that they had and have the same emotions that you're having. You feel vindicated that you're not going crazy. When you start having thoughts and feelings that they described to you that you didn't fully understand at the time, you know that you are not alone in your grief when you start having those same thoughts. While this has been healing in a way, life does continue to go on, and you can't just go grab a cup of coffee and talk to your hearts content at the drop of a hat. I can see how having a weekend to get all these thoughts and feelings out might help one to feel more sane when you're around others who haven't been through the same experiences.

The work of grieving can be so isolating as well. However as women (like this one at mamapedia.com) we feel the need to share our experiences and talk with others who have been through the same thing. An event that lets you be with other women who have been through exactly what you have been through can be very healing.

Well, I had the bright idea this past weekend of putting on a retreat closer to home. I feel a little intimidated by the idea of organizing something like this, but how hard can it be, right? (I hope I'm not in over my head here...) When I first ran across the post about the retreat, I forwarded it to my friend Kimber who was very interested in it as well, but her daughter's birthday is that same weekend. I spoke with her on Monday asking if she'd like to help me organize it, and she said she had the same idea. I have some contacts with retreat organizing experience and services and even have a location in mind we might be able to use. I see this as a real possibility, and it makes me excited to be a part of something like this! My main concern is how do we get the word out and drum up the attendance we need to hold our little retreat? So this is the first place I'm starting. If you are reading this from "Blog Land" and would be interested in said retreat near the DFW or Southern Oklahoma area post a comment or shoot me an email at tigerlily.marie@gmail.com. Thanks and I hope to hear from you!

Cars and Butterflies

I am very happy to report that we have a second car again! Yay! Thank you to everyone who has given and offered rides in the past and would have done so in the future. I'm very relieved that we don't have to depend on other people for rides anymore and that I have more freedom again! This will also greatly simplify and relieve stress on days when I have doctor appointments.

I also went out and checked my butterflies yesterday and noticed that some of the butterflies have emerged from their cocoons. I even noticed a visiting butterfly this morning. I estimate that it took about a week for them to morph. I'm disappointed I missed it, but there is currently one cocoon left and lots more caterpillars still on the vine. I just hope they don't strip my vine bare!

Now onto the next item of business - getting pregnant!

Preconception visit

We went for our very first preconception visit today. Funny thing is that even though I have been pregnant 3 times before, I never attended a preconception appointment. Coincidentally, we were always able to get pregnant before scheduling the appointment. So this time, I thought I'd do it the way it was supposed to be done (visualize me rolling my eyes in a sarcastic gesture).

It was relatively uneventful. Dr. O (O for Obstetrician) did recommend I start taking a low dose aspirin from here on out for the MTHFR thrombophilia even while pregnant. So we stopped at a drug store on the way home and picked up a bottle.

But before our return trip home, we all made a stop at the Magic Time Machine for dinner since we were in the general vicinity. Savannah has been asking to go there for the past couple weeks, so we decided to surprise her with a visit. Nana and Papa joined us since they were gracious enough to give me a ride to the appointment (we only have one car currently, hopefully to be remedied shortly).

I thought it would be funny to share the following dialog that took place while Nana and Papa were entertaining Savannah during our appointment.

"Nana, I'm hungry. Can I have some more cookies?"
"No, sweetheart, we need to wait because we're going to get dinner soon right after mommy and daddy are done."
"Nana, where are we going?"
"That's a secret."
"You can tell me! I won't tell anyone!"

Here is a funny picture they took of all of us while we were eating. Those of you that know us IRL will appreciate it more fully. I know it's a simple photoshop job to swap faces, but it still gives me a chuckle to look at it. (Yes, I am easily entertained with simple pleasures... hehe)

Distractions

My parents were kind enough to fly in from out of town at my request over the holiday weekend. It was a last minute request, and I am so thankful to them for spending the money and making the time to do so. I hated having to ask, but I felt I needed their presence to help sustain me during this time as my would-be due date approaches.

And true to form, my mother and I kept ourselves distracted and busy with various projects and tasks.

First item on the agenda included checking on our caterpillars! We went out on Friday and discovered our first cocoon. This picture is from Saturday when we found about 3 more.



Next we payed a visit to the local Hobby Lobby, and I enlisted my mom's help with deciding on framing choices for Garrett's hospital certificate and memorial card. We framed Sierra's along with some feet impressions after her passing, and even though it looks like I'm starting a collection of deceased baby memorabilia, I feel he deserves the same. Hopefully, this will be the last piece in this very sad collection.

The last order of business included replacing some dead plants in our little memorial garden, and here are the fruits of our labors.





After this very busy weekend I still feel heavy with sorrow. Even though distractions can be helpful with getting through one day to the next, it can make it difficult to actually deal with the emotions you're experiencing. After this weekend was all said and done, the oppressive sadness and stress are still there.

I've decided to seek out a support group or counselor to help me process the emotions I'm going through right now. My husband mentioned last night that he is looking into purchasing a cheap second car for us, and that will help relieve a lot of the logistical problems with making the meetings or appointments. I hope we can make it work because I think that will relieve a lot of my stress! I hate having to ask other people for help and assistance. I feel I'm taking advantage if I don't have something to offer in return. It would certainly make it a lot easier to make doctor appointments once I get pregnant again!

Mama Butterfly

I went outside this evening to check on my caterpillars, and the mama butterfly decided to stop by for a visit! After a few minutes of watching her, I realized I should grab my camera. So I ran inside hoping she wasn't done visiting and was able to get some pictures. Now I must warn you that I am by no means a professional, and I did figure out how to take that annoying date stamp off!

I also read online that she lays one egg at a time. Here is a picture of some of her eggs. They are the yellow dots you see on the leaf.

Definitely a case of raging PMS

I got the call back from my doctor's office, and the pregnancy test came back negative. I think Aunt Flow has also finally decided to pay me a visit. We will see if she decides to stay for the next couple days.

I have definitely been more emotional, but maybe my hormones are still trying to adjust after the end of the pregnancy.

I'm not really happy or sad after knowing the truth - just relieved to know! It looks like it was just a case of raging PMS. Shwooo, glad that's over for now!

-- Post From My iPhone

A fun discovery in the midst of waiting

I went to the doctor today to have some blood drawn so they could determine if I'm pregnant or not. Aunt Flow has decided to delay her arrival further. The urine test at the doctor's office came back negative, and we will get the results from the blood test tomorrow morning.

I have been nervous about what the results could mean. If I am pregnant, is everything okay with the pregnancy? Why isn't a urine pregnancy test coming back positive? If I'm not pregnant, where the heck is my period? Am I broken? I can't get pregnant again without my cycles working properly!

The wait has been excruciating, and I have been trying to keep myself busy to make the time go by quicker and to ease the anxiety. In the midst of the anxiety, I discovered something fun this evening that has helped to provide some distraction.

Last week I went out to check our little memorial garden we planted in honor of Sierra and Garrett, and I noticed these strange little bugs on the passion vine. They were orange-ish in color and had black hairy spines all over their bodies. They looked very menacing, and I was instantly alarmed. It took me a moment to realize that they were probably caterpillars!

I was a little concerned that they might be a type of pest, so I went out again tonight to see how my vine was fairing and some of the caterpillars had doubled in size, I counted about 20 of them, and they were actively eating MY leaves! I decided to put modern technology to the test and Googled "caterpillars of North Texas". I was easily able to determine that these are Gulf Fritillary caterpillars and live only on the passion vine plant. Apparently, no other bugs can really eat these leaves except this caterpillar and other similar caterpillars, and the plant should be able to easily withstand the pruning session.

At Garrett's memorial, we released butterflies in his and Sierra's honor and planted this passion vine in the hopes of attracting butterflies. The lady at the nursery suggested this plant when we asked what might attract butterflies. I expected some lazy, flighty butterflies to float on by for a drink of nectar, sitting here or there, and flying off again. It completely goes against my expectations that these butterflies would start off as caterpillars on my plant! Even though this isn't what I expected, this is certainly more fun and has more significance! Our little passion vine is helping to grow a family of baby butterflies!

Here is a picture of what the butterflies will look like. We should have cocoons shortly! How exciting! Maybe there isn't enough excitement in my life (or maybe there's too much), but watching these little guys is such a fun way to pass the time!