Preconception visit

We went for our very first preconception visit today. Funny thing is that even though I have been pregnant 3 times before, I never attended a preconception appointment. Coincidentally, we were always able to get pregnant before scheduling the appointment. So this time, I thought I'd do it the way it was supposed to be done (visualize me rolling my eyes in a sarcastic gesture).

It was relatively uneventful. Dr. O (O for Obstetrician) did recommend I start taking a low dose aspirin from here on out for the MTHFR thrombophilia even while pregnant. So we stopped at a drug store on the way home and picked up a bottle.

But before our return trip home, we all made a stop at the Magic Time Machine for dinner since we were in the general vicinity. Savannah has been asking to go there for the past couple weeks, so we decided to surprise her with a visit. Nana and Papa joined us since they were gracious enough to give me a ride to the appointment (we only have one car currently, hopefully to be remedied shortly).

I thought it would be funny to share the following dialog that took place while Nana and Papa were entertaining Savannah during our appointment.

"Nana, I'm hungry. Can I have some more cookies?"
"No, sweetheart, we need to wait because we're going to get dinner soon right after mommy and daddy are done."
"Nana, where are we going?"
"That's a secret."
"You can tell me! I won't tell anyone!"

Here is a funny picture they took of all of us while we were eating. Those of you that know us IRL will appreciate it more fully. I know it's a simple photoshop job to swap faces, but it still gives me a chuckle to look at it. (Yes, I am easily entertained with simple pleasures... hehe)

Distractions

My parents were kind enough to fly in from out of town at my request over the holiday weekend. It was a last minute request, and I am so thankful to them for spending the money and making the time to do so. I hated having to ask, but I felt I needed their presence to help sustain me during this time as my would-be due date approaches.

And true to form, my mother and I kept ourselves distracted and busy with various projects and tasks.

First item on the agenda included checking on our caterpillars! We went out on Friday and discovered our first cocoon. This picture is from Saturday when we found about 3 more.



Next we payed a visit to the local Hobby Lobby, and I enlisted my mom's help with deciding on framing choices for Garrett's hospital certificate and memorial card. We framed Sierra's along with some feet impressions after her passing, and even though it looks like I'm starting a collection of deceased baby memorabilia, I feel he deserves the same. Hopefully, this will be the last piece in this very sad collection.

The last order of business included replacing some dead plants in our little memorial garden, and here are the fruits of our labors.





After this very busy weekend I still feel heavy with sorrow. Even though distractions can be helpful with getting through one day to the next, it can make it difficult to actually deal with the emotions you're experiencing. After this weekend was all said and done, the oppressive sadness and stress are still there.

I've decided to seek out a support group or counselor to help me process the emotions I'm going through right now. My husband mentioned last night that he is looking into purchasing a cheap second car for us, and that will help relieve a lot of the logistical problems with making the meetings or appointments. I hope we can make it work because I think that will relieve a lot of my stress! I hate having to ask other people for help and assistance. I feel I'm taking advantage if I don't have something to offer in return. It would certainly make it a lot easier to make doctor appointments once I get pregnant again!

Mama Butterfly

I went outside this evening to check on my caterpillars, and the mama butterfly decided to stop by for a visit! After a few minutes of watching her, I realized I should grab my camera. So I ran inside hoping she wasn't done visiting and was able to get some pictures. Now I must warn you that I am by no means a professional, and I did figure out how to take that annoying date stamp off!

I also read online that she lays one egg at a time. Here is a picture of some of her eggs. They are the yellow dots you see on the leaf.

Definitely a case of raging PMS

I got the call back from my doctor's office, and the pregnancy test came back negative. I think Aunt Flow has also finally decided to pay me a visit. We will see if she decides to stay for the next couple days.

I have definitely been more emotional, but maybe my hormones are still trying to adjust after the end of the pregnancy.

I'm not really happy or sad after knowing the truth - just relieved to know! It looks like it was just a case of raging PMS. Shwooo, glad that's over for now!

-- Post From My iPhone

A fun discovery in the midst of waiting

I went to the doctor today to have some blood drawn so they could determine if I'm pregnant or not. Aunt Flow has decided to delay her arrival further. The urine test at the doctor's office came back negative, and we will get the results from the blood test tomorrow morning.

I have been nervous about what the results could mean. If I am pregnant, is everything okay with the pregnancy? Why isn't a urine pregnancy test coming back positive? If I'm not pregnant, where the heck is my period? Am I broken? I can't get pregnant again without my cycles working properly!

The wait has been excruciating, and I have been trying to keep myself busy to make the time go by quicker and to ease the anxiety. In the midst of the anxiety, I discovered something fun this evening that has helped to provide some distraction.

Last week I went out to check our little memorial garden we planted in honor of Sierra and Garrett, and I noticed these strange little bugs on the passion vine. They were orange-ish in color and had black hairy spines all over their bodies. They looked very menacing, and I was instantly alarmed. It took me a moment to realize that they were probably caterpillars!

I was a little concerned that they might be a type of pest, so I went out again tonight to see how my vine was fairing and some of the caterpillars had doubled in size, I counted about 20 of them, and they were actively eating MY leaves! I decided to put modern technology to the test and Googled "caterpillars of North Texas". I was easily able to determine that these are Gulf Fritillary caterpillars and live only on the passion vine plant. Apparently, no other bugs can really eat these leaves except this caterpillar and other similar caterpillars, and the plant should be able to easily withstand the pruning session.

At Garrett's memorial, we released butterflies in his and Sierra's honor and planted this passion vine in the hopes of attracting butterflies. The lady at the nursery suggested this plant when we asked what might attract butterflies. I expected some lazy, flighty butterflies to float on by for a drink of nectar, sitting here or there, and flying off again. It completely goes against my expectations that these butterflies would start off as caterpillars on my plant! Even though this isn't what I expected, this is certainly more fun and has more significance! Our little passion vine is helping to grow a family of baby butterflies!

Here is a picture of what the butterflies will look like. We should have cocoons shortly! How exciting! Maybe there isn't enough excitement in my life (or maybe there's too much), but watching these little guys is such a fun way to pass the time!

Follow-up

I feel the need this evening to follow up my last posts with some thoughts.

I read here that, "Approximately 44% of the population is heterozygous and another approximate 12% are homozygous for the MTHFR mutation." That seems like an awfully large percentage to me, and I doubt that many women have had the problems I've had. Maybe there are other factors in this MTHFR mutation that cause pregnancy loss that we just don't understand yet.

I also read on the March of Dimes site that, "There are no good estimates on the number of affected individuals in this country." I also read here that they won't even offer to test you for thrombophilias unless you've had a past blood clot (which I did not), or, "...a history of pregnancy complications, including two or more miscarriages, stillbirth or placental abruption due to undetermined causes," (which I obviously had). It's so sad though that I had to loose even one of our babies before tests would even be ordered to make this diagnosis. I know research is being done, and I hope someday soon there can be an easy way to screen all women for these potential complications.

Also, with the more that I read I am feeling more confident that it is the thrombophilia that caused the deaths of our babies. March of Dimes says that, "The thrombophilias also may contribute to pregnancy complications including fetal loss and placental abruption," (which I had one of each). I also learned that, "Pulmonary embolus is the leading cause of maternal death in the United States," and, "studies suggest that up to 80 percent of pregnant women who develop a pulmonary embolus or other VTE (venous thromboembolism) have an underlying thrombophilia." I would do anything for my children if it means saving their lives and nothing can make up for their deaths in my opinion, but maybe their deaths weren't completely in vain. Maybe with the awareness of my diagnosis due to their demise, they may have helped prevent my death caused by a VTE or pulmonary embolism. This is a rather morbid thought, but I know that even though we have been profoundly affected by the deaths of our babies, I know that my death would have a harsher impact on more people.

I would also like to say that maybe I was hasty in being so critical of my perinatologist on her not suggesting the Folgard (super duper folic acid and B complex vitamins) initially. Maybe I should take responsibility and view it more as a partnership and be glad that I found someone who is willing to take my concerns seriously rather than just dictating treatment especially with something that appears to be a new field of study. I have always considered myself an educated consumer, but paradoxically I have always struggled with being assertive in my concerns. I am always so concerned about offending someone, but I am learning to look out for my own best interest and the interests of my family. And I feel I made a big step in that direction today by educating myself and expressing my concerns to my doctor.

Waiting for Wednesday

I called my doctor today regarding the delayed arrival of Aunt Flow. I will be going in Wednesday morning for a blood test to see if I'm pregnant. The urine test this morning came back negative again. I don't know how long it will take to get the results back, but you can be sure I will ask!

I also called my perinatologist regarding checking my homocysteine levels and a possible increase in my folic acid intake from the normal prenatal amounts. She said that it is her experience that even with normal homocysteine levels, you can still have problems, so she didn't think it was necessary to check my levels since we are already going to do the blood thinners.

She did think it was a good idea to increase my folic acid intake and called in a prescription for the super duper supplement. This is what I wanted anyway, so I didn't push the homocysteine issue. But my confidence has been lowered since I feel she should have thought of this initially. I'm not a medical professional; I can't be relied upon to think and research everything! Needless to say, I'm a little disappointed.

I also mentioned to her that we flew the day before I started bleeding and maybe that started everything in motion. She may be trying to alleviate some of my guilt, but said it probably didn't. But I'm still not going to take any chances next time!


-- Post From My iPhone