MTHFR and flying

I ran across an interesting discussion board post this weekend that gave me chills (not the good kind). It was a lady discussing a similar clotting condition to mine but hers is more severe.

Bear with me while I provide some background on this particular clotting disorder.

I had a DNS analysis performed on the MTHFR (methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase) gene a while back. When they perform the analysis, they are concerned with two different DNS sequence mutations - C677T and A1298C. It was determined that I am heterozygous for the A1298C mutation.

You receive chromosomes from both your mother and father when you are conceived, and both copies make up your genes. I received the mutation from either my mother or father, but only one faulty copy making me heterozygous as opposed to homozygous (two alike copies). You are not at increased risk for vascular diseases when you only have one of this particular copy, and I do not have the C677T mutation. Some individuals can be homozygous for both mutations, increasing their risk of vascular disease substantially.

From the research I've done online, this mutation can affect the amount of homocysteine in your body. It is the increase in homocysteine that can lead to an elevated risk for clots and vascular disease. But more applicable to pregnancy it can also interfere with B complex vitamin absorption and cause clots. Clots during pregnancy can interfere with how well the placenta works. As you may know the placenta is the baby's lifeline, and any interference can jepordize the baby's life unexpectedly and quickly.

Folic acid and the other B complex vitamins are important supplements to have before and during pregnancy to decrease risk of neural tube defects and other birth defects. Often times, women with elevated levels of homocysteine are prescribed blood thinners and special vitamins with huge amounts of the B complex vitamins to decrease homocysteine levels and increase the amount of the vitamins available in their bodies. This is to help reduce the risk of clots and birth defects.

I'm not sure why they don't screen for this with every woman who wants to be or is pregnant. It would seem like a simple way to reduce the risk of complications and fetal deaths. But I don't know enough about it to speculate on how common place or rare it may be, and it maybe a new field of study.

Another issue with clotting disorders (or thrombophilia) is that certain things can increase your risk for blood clots - birth control pills, sedentary activities, and flying in an airplane being the foremost on my mind.

The woman in the discussion board posted how she miscarried soon after flying. After I read this, my mind went back to how we had just come back from our trip to New Orleans in which we flew. We had arrived back home on Saturday, and Garrett was born the following Tuesday. I don't think this is coincidence considering I also started bleeding that Sunday following.

During my consult appointment with my perinatologist, I don't think I mentioned that we had just flew prior to the incident. I'm also thinking that my perinatologist did not check my homocysteine levels since this particular mutation is not supposed to affect that. But I am going to ask my doctor to check mine to make sure everything is kosher.

I also mentioned all this to my husband, and we were both in agreement that I will not be traveling next time I'm pregnant - no flying or road trips, period.

Results?

I feel like a little kid waiting for Christmas to arrive; well at this point hoping that it doesn't arrive if we're talking about Aunt Flow.

I woke up this morning at about 4:40am, and I swear I honestly DID have to pee (which I take as another good sign that I could be pregnant). So I went to pee into a cup and got my handy dandy dip stick out. I busied myself with some mundane task after checking the time and waited for the results.

After about 5 minutes I didn't see any indication of a positive test, and the same after 10 minutes. But after about 20 minutes (which I remind you is after the 10 minute recommended viewing period), I did see an obviously faint line. My husband would probably look at me crazy for saying there is obviously a line since to see it at all you have to kinda squint your eyes, get it at the correct angle, and don't look at it directly; but it was there!

I realize I could be imagining lines here, and it did appear after the valid timeframe, so I feel my test is still inconclusive. I did check the expiration date on the tests, and they say 7-2010, so that shouldn't be a problem, but they are older tests...

I did use up my last super duper sensitive test, but if my period is already late I should also be able to get a positive result with any OTC test, but I guess that really all depends on how much hCG I'm making. So I'm going to try to get some more sleep and wait at least until the sun comes up so people don't look at me crazy and go pick up some more tests for tomorrow. Here's hoping, and I'll keep you posted!

-- Post From My iPhone

a case of raging PMS?

I have been feeling better since my last post. It's amazing how much better things look in the morning. I think the fact that I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other helps to get me out of those ruts. I don't have the option of just pulling the covers over my head and shutting the world out no matter how much I might want to sometimes.

I also suspect the extreme moodiness and weepyness might be related to being pregnant or raging PMS. I haven't missed my period yet, but I took one of those uber sensitive pregnancy tests I ordered online that I had left over from last time. It measures 10 mlU/hCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) which is one of the hormones produced when you're pregnant. The most sensitive you can get at the drug store will usually measure about 20 mlU/hCG.

Anyway, I took a test yesterday and today, and I swear I see a very faint line. It's so faint that I'm afraid I'm imagining it. You have to look at it cross-eyed to see it even! I know that it doesn't matter how dark the line is, if it's there you're pregnant. But I wouldn't bet the farm just yet because the line was most defintely more visible after the 10 minute recommended viewing period. So my brain doesn't want to believe it yet, but my heart does! Wouldn't it be so great to get pregnant so quickly without really even trying! I could skip the whole anxiously waiting prepregnancy anxiety stage!

I really want to be able to call my doctor and just have them do a blood test to check, but I'm trapped at home with the daycare. It's the only real frustration I have with the daycare - not being able to leave without extensive planning before hand. But if Aunt Flow hasn't arrived by Saturday, I'll take another test. I only have two left!

I'll keep you posted!

Fatigued

I've been rather surprised by the intensity of the emotions I've been feeling recently. I've noticed myself becoming more emotional as Garrett's should-have-been due date draws closer. I wasn't sure how I would react as the date approached, but my emotional reaction to the reminder of how things should be and what should have been has surprised me.

In the past, similar dates with Sierra did not trigger emotions this intense so I was all the more surprised. I know that these emotions are normal, but I can't help but think that I'm not handling it as well as I should. I also know this is an irrational thought not only due to my perfectionist personality but also because I am comparing it to the previous loss. I would imagine the fact that I'm going through this again only compounds the emotional reaction.

I am also noticing myself becoming emotionally tired and cursing my stoic attitude. I am tired of being strong and handling things so well. And I don't feel as if I've been handling things so well recently. My emotional muscles are becoming fatigued, and they need a break. But how do you get a break from grief and the painful reminders?

-- Post From My iPhone

food as an art form

I've always said that even though my daughter is the oldest child in my care, she is the messiest at meal times - messier even than the infant and toddler!

It might be because she brings a whole new meaning to "food as an art form"...

Everything happens for a reason...seriously?

Today I was talking with my daycare licensing rep over the phone. She knew I was pregnant previously and at the end of the conversation asked how the baby was growing. I explained to her that I had a placental abruption, that our baby was born early, and we had allowed him to pass naturally due to severe brain bleeding.

It's the typical short response I give people when they ask, and usually people react in a similar fashion. A look of concern or pity comes across their face or in their voice, and they usually say they are sorry for our loss.

However, not everyone has this reaction, and I'm starting to find it interesting to gauge people's reaction when I tell them the news. I have a hypothesis that their reaction might be a reflection of the type of person they are. I can't be sure of this, and much more testing is needed before I can make a determination. I don't have enough data to speculate on what that reflection might mean yet either...perhaps maturity level or religious conviction?

But I digress. After I told my rep the news, I don't remember exactly what she said, but she didn't seem too concerned (maybe that's because she's a state daycare licensing rep trained to harden her heart), but I do remember her saying "blah, blah, blah, everything happens for a reason, blah, blah, blah". I didn't respond to her comment. I just told her that we will be trying again soon for another one.

I refuse to think that these things happen for a reason. The dust of my grief has settled and my spiritual views have been changed. Everyone needs to come to peace with what they believe, and I have done just that. It was not an easy path, and I still feel sorrow over the loss of my "Santa Clause", but it is now impossible for me to put my faith in a God or an existence of one. Not only would I be incredibly angry at this Being for what we have had to endure needlessly, but this anger would fester and be an incredible burden to have to bear. I've talked a little about this before, but I've also come to terms with the fact that there probably isn't an after life as well.

That doesn't mean my life or the lives of others are meaningless. On the contrary, I am learning to derive my meaning from life itself rather than through the existence of the hereafter. I am learning to be thankful for all the simple pleasures in life. I am learning to value and appreciate life so much more and see that life itself can give value to life rather than a higher being providing that value. In fact I regretted killing a fly today because of this new view! That rather surprised me. I know the fly did not feel sorrow or pain, but it's existence was snuffed out before it's time. Granted it probably only had a day or two more to go, but still!

The simple fact that we exist is a miracle. Miracle is not the right word though as it has too much religious connotation. Our existence is the winning outcome in an incredible game of chance. Why can't we value life based solely on how unlikely it could have even happened? I have become more appreciative and awed by what I see in nature as a result of my new view, and it has made me a more serene and peaceful person knowing nature is not perfect and that accidents do happen arbitrarily rather than for a reason.

Busy, Busy, Busy!

"Busy, Busy, Busy," that is my new mantra.

This may sound absurd to some of the people that know me, but I came to the realization yesterday that I am a busy person. I wield a diaper and dishrag the same way corporate executives wield Blackberries and power suits. In fact, I may have less idle time than they do!

I didn't find myself frustrated after this realization, I felt proud for being able to keep it together and run things efficiently, and I gave myself a pat on the back.

I have always been limited on idle time, and I used to blame this on my husband. I've slowly realized it's not his fault, although granted if he did help out more it would leave me a little more idle time (and he has started helping out more which I am immensely grateful for), but I would still be short on idle time if he did help with the dishes, laundry, or cleaning toilets.

Unlike most corporate executives out there, I have a higher than average intelligence, and I know I will be able to win this rat race with my brains rather than "muscle". In fact, after my post about realizing I'm operating on a time deficit, my brain started to think of ways to arrange my evenings so I can have some downtime. I say "my brain" because I wasn't actively trying to find a solution, but it was kinda processing the problem in the background, and a solution presented itself.

I've already simplified things a lot prior to this realization, but I can also rearrange things so that I have enough sleep time on any given evening. But I've noticed that once I sit down at the computer (and work on stuff like this blog which incidentally will probably decrease to just one post a week after this), I loose track of time. I usually sit down to take a break, but that also means there are things left undone. Once I realize the late time, I start procrastinating because I don't want to do the work items and it starts getting really late, hence I've squandered some of my hard earned sleep time. So I've decided that I'm going to make the most out of this iPhone my husband talked me into getting. If an item on the computer can't be done on my iPhone or when the daycare kids are napping, it won't get done until the weekend. Also, if it's not important to me or someone I care about, it won't get done either, AND those things have to be prioritized accordingly. I have to treat my time like it's a valuable commodity and stop wasting it on things that don't add value to my life or the people in it.