The End of Our Journey

We have reached the end of our journey on this path. I miscarried this past Wednesday morning at about 14 weeks gestation. I spent the whole day at the hospital and was finally able to go home after a D&C. I wasn't supposed to get pregnant this last time. The doctors can't find a cause, but obviously there's something wrong that science can't explain yet. But it doesn't matter anymore. I am forever done being pregnant after going through this 6 times. Just like with Garrett, it was following an extended vacation where I was homesick the whole time. The doctors assured us the traveling and vacation have nothing to do with it, but I don't know when I'll be able to go back to New Orleans as this was our vacation spot prior to two losses we suffered after vacationing.

We now focus on healing and learning how to start a new path with an unexpected and final family of three.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Dare I say giddy?

So I was looking in the mirror this morning (enjoying the scrumptious snow day) noticing the slight baby bump that is just now becoming visible, and I had this moment that felt (for lack of a better word) like an epiphany. I realized that there is a living baby (with a heartbeat) growing in my belly, and I felt down right giddy!

That feeling took me by surprise, but I revealed in it for a few moments before coming back down to earth. I'm glad I allowed myself to feel happy about the pregnancy for a bit, but it does feel scary to allow too much of that! I fear getting too attached to the pregnancy just to have it all snatch away again.


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Corn flake with a heartbeat!

Rice crispy sized baby...

Here is a picture of the ultrasound from yesterday.  Thought it'd be fun to share!

First Ultrasound

We had our first ultrasound today. I was nervous going in but not really sure why. I knew there'd be only one of two outcomes (heartbeat or not), and I was fine with both.

Turns out there is a heartbeat for our lil rice crispy and everything is looking normal.

I have been doing the blood thinner injections for about 2 weeks now. They were difficult the first couple times, but a piece of cake now. It does sting and causes bruising sometimes, but they're not too bad once you get used to it.

So everything is right on track so far. I can't say I feel comforted by that fact, but I'm also ok with whichever outcome we have. It's hard to feel excited about something when you don't know what's going to happen, and we may not actually feel happy until we are holding a healthy, live baby in our arms at the end of it. I do know for a fact that this will be that last time I'm pregnant regardless of the outcome!


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O.M.G...

Thursday evening, I was so proud of myself for making the P90X commitment and making it (sore but at least walking - barely) through day two. And then I got a positive result on a pregnancy test that same evening. Now I'll have to wait to pick it up again - which is rather irritating.

I had been suspecting something was up for the previous couple days because I was so dang irritable (which is really only an understatement). After realizing I was a day "late" (which always has a day or two wiggle room) I finally broke down and purchased a test and sure enough it was positive. It has been almost a year since I was pregnant last - a rather odd thought.

What does that mean now? Not sure at this point. I only know that there is no known outcome from all this. Based on my past experiences, I know what is likely to happen. I'm only thinking so far ahead to the phone call I need to make to the dr on Monday. Whatever the outcome, I've already decided that I'm getting fixed after all this. I'm not interested in going through this self-inflicted torture again. I'm not even letting myself hope for a baby at the end of all this yet, but I was growing rather fond of my newfound freedom again after 6 yrs. Either way though, I know we'll manage with flying colors.

I realized last night on New Year's Eve (while I was functioning as a rather convenient designated driver by the way) that this baby was spontaneously conceived in love under the light of the lunar eclipse that happened a few weeks ago on the winter solstice. The pagans believe that the full moon symbolizes fertility, and while I don't believe in all that stuff that fact is one beautiful facet to all this that absolutely warms my heart.


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100th Post!

I'm sure more of my regular visitors have noticed that I haven't blogged in a while.  We've been taking a break from the whole TTC thing, and I really haven't had anything interesting to blog about.  I hate that my last post was such a downer, so I think it's fitting that this 100th post have some defined closure with a hopeful and upbeat tone.  I may blog here and there as thoughts or events occur, but certainly nothing regular.

I've been on a pretty even keel recently in regards to our family situation.  I'm actually getting to the point that I'm thinking I don't want anymore babies of my own.  I don't know if this is just me rationalizing what I can't have to myself.  But Savannah is starting to be able to do more and more things on her own now-a-days.  She has even gotten to the point where she can brush and floss her teeth and can even wash her own hair (with a little supervision).  It's fantastic!  She'll be taking out the garbage and doing laundry and dishes before we know it!  I keep thinking how exhausting it would be to start over with another little one.  In fact, I mentioned all this to Kevin the other day and he was in agreement that if we don't have a baby in the next couple years or sooner we'll be done with this chapter in our lives.

Funny thing is we went to see Despicable Me later that day.  It's a heart-warming story about an evil villain who haphazardly ends up adopting three orphaned girls who worm their way into his heart.  It got me thinking.  Why couldn't we just skip the baby stage and adopt a child that was 3 or 4?  My need to nurture is so great that I know I would love this child as my own.  There are of course many things to consider with this option, but the most important concern is would Kevin learn to love this child as his own as well?  I think that's essential for the complete well-being of the child to feel truly accepted as a member of the family.  Anything less would be an injustice.

I mentioned the idea to Kevin.  He has not wanted to consider adoption up to this point but promised to reconsider his feelings on the matter if there is no chance for him to have further biological children.  I'm no longer sure what to expect in the future, but despite my desires I am beginning to learn how to be content with what I have now.

Emotional! Arggg!

I'm having an emotional time this morning remembering the babies we lost and grieving over the other members of our family that we will probably never have. The intensity of the emotions has surprised me. Trying to remember to be happy with what we have is proving to be especially hard this morning...


-- Post From My iPhone

Learning to live a worry-free life

My pre-menopausal state has apparently decided to manifest itself physically.  I knew it would happen eventually and sooner rather than later, but less than a month after getting the news?  I'm on day 38 of my cycle, and no, I'm not pregnant.  Spoke with my doctor yesterday, and if I didn't have a positive urine pregnancy test this morning then I'm not pregnant, so I'm not pregnant...  I'm supposed to call back if I go two months without a period.

I know I said I'm happy with our family like it is, but do you sometimes find yourself saying something if only to convince yourself?  Maybe if I say it over and over, I'll eventually believe it...

I was really irritable this past weekend.  At first I wasn't sure why.  I was short and snippy with Kevin, and we were quarreling over silly little things.  And then I realized that there was something that had my mind preoccupied.  The loss of my friend's daughter really shook me up.  I couldn't help wondering what if we lost Savannah?  Other children would never replace the ones you lost, but it does soften the blow.  But we CAN'T have more kids to soften that fearful blow. I'm so very happy and proud of my child but I DO want more.  I find myself being scared with the idea that we may be left with no children.

I told myself that I'm not going to monitor anything anymore.  If we get pregnant, I will probably miscarry anyway.  But I was hoping I was pregnant this time.  I was hoping that we would someday accidentally get pregnant and miraculously keep the pregnancy to term and have a living, healthy baby at the end.  I was hoping for our happy ending.  But this pre-menopausal cycle has reminded me that that isn't likely and probably not possible.

I feel the need to come to terms with my family the way it is - to be happy with what I have.  But no, I'm not at peace yet.  I am grieving over the family that I envisioned, and it is a process I haven't completed yet.

Everyone keeps telling me stress can play a factor in your cycle.  Maybe the grief is interfering with it.  My fear is that I'm in a perpetual state of stress that I don't even know what non-stress feels like.  I want to learn how to live a worry-free life.  I want to learn to be happy with what I have now. 

Extra hugs

Tuesday evening I learned that an old friend of mine from junior high lost (I think unexpectedly) his 4 year old daughter due to undiagnosed brain swelling, and learning this has really weighed heavy on me the last couple days.  I've not been on the helpless end of a tragedy since we've been on the hurting end of our tragedies, but I think it's affected me so much because I can relate so closely to the pain I know that family is feeling right now.  It feels so wrong when a child dies.

I spoke to him earlier today for the first time in 12 years, and I thought about all the things I wanted to tell him to help him and his family through this dark time.  I was nervous about calling, but I decided to because I know just offering words of condolences can be a comfort in and of themselves.  I wanted to say that people will inadvertently say some insensitive things, but to try to look past their words to their intentions.  I wanted to tell him about the anger he will feel but to try to not let it turn into bitterness.  I wanted to tell him about the surreal emptiness that is just too painful to fully comprehend at first but will ease its grip over time.  I wanted to tell him that the mornings when you are alone with your thoughts will be the hardest time of the day.  I wanted to tell him that grieving is an individual journey that each person does at their own pace and in their own way and to be gentle and patient with each other.  I wanted to tell him above all that it's so important to do the work of grief.

But I didn't mention any of those things.  These are all lessons he and his wife will have to learn on their journey, and that saddens me.  I told him there's not much I can say to make it better, it will be hard, and I'm so sorry they have to go through this.

Even before hearing this news, I've thought about what would happen if we lost Savannah.  I look at all the pictures she draws, and I keep the special ones for memories.  I'll see something that's completely unique to her like a strand of her curly hair, a dried out marker, a cheap little silly toy that she enjoys playing with; and I'll leave it where it is - just in case I need it to remind me of her later.  But more specifically, it's times like these that remind me to cherish the loved ones in our lives because we never know if we might not have them with us anymore.  Tonight I made sure to give my little girl extra hugs because I can.

End of the journey

So, I think we made it to the end of our infertility journey, and it is bittersweet. I say "I think" because you never know what cogs will get thrown into your wheel of a plan. But based on our current circumstances, "I think" we're done.

I wrote earlier that I had decided to stop stressing about all this fertility stuff and just let it play out as it would. Well, I've taken it a step further and I think I'm done playing it out.

After coming to the realization that IVF could cost substantially more than we initially bargained for, I told Kevin that the ball is in his court. I'm not going to bring it up again. It has always been a higher priority to Kevin to have two sons, and I told him he has to figure out how much it's worth to him. I'll go along for the ride, but I'm mentally tired of rehashing my history for 2nd and 3rd and 4th opinions (which never are in concurrance anyway). I'll show up for blood draws and exams and procedures if he wants to pursue anything, but any other options will have to explored and initiated by him. I'm done.

It saddens me that Savannah will be an only child, and it's sad that we didn't end up with the family we initially set out to create, but I feel liberated. This is a peaceful place to be. I don't need to plan for more children, and we can fully focus all our energy and attention on our one living, healthy child and move forward with our family as we know it now.

I've been thinking about writing a book of fiction loosely based on our own pregnancy loss circumstances. I wondered to myself how I would end it - happy with the magical rainbow baby or sad without the triumphant live birth. But I came to the realization that this too is a happy ending even though it has been touched by tradgedy (whose story hasn't been touched by sadness in some way?) It is a happy ending because I am at peace with the beautiful family I have helped create and am a part of.

-- Post From My iPhone

40 year old ovaries

I just found out I have the ovaries of a 40 year old even though I'm only 30.  I spoke with our infertility doctor today and my day 3 labs came back.  My inhibin B and estrogen are on the low side with numbers indicating perimenopausal.  However, my doctor said we are only at a "yellow light" right now as far as ovarian reserve because my FSH was normal.

I mentioned to my doctor that there isn't a history of early menopause in my family as far as I know, but he said that the abruption or heavy bleeding from it could have caused me to loose a lot of eggs.  I don't know if I had heavy bleeding from the abruption.  He asked if I needed a transfusion, but I didn't.  I do know that I had heavy bleeding with this last miscarriage.

Maybe my ovaries are just plum tuckered out after all this drama.  Apparently my uterus is up for the task even though it's been through hell and back, why aren't my stupid ovaries?!  All they have to do is release eggs, it's the uterus that has to do all the heavy lifting!  Come on girls, get it together!  Anyway, back on topic...

Because of my hyperactive natural killer cells, he also wants to order a DQ Alpha test for both me and Kevin to test genetic similarity (which insurance also does not cover).  My doctor says it's rare, but if the DNA of a couple is too similar, the woman's body will reject the pregnancy (this happens in nature to prevent things like offspring from incest and such, ya know...) I asked a few questions about what it would mean if we were too similar, and there are options, but it would complicate things a lot.  We'll explore that path if we need to.  It stresses me out too much to think about it right now.  It would however offer an explanation for all the unexplained problems we've had (stillbirth, abruption, miscarriages).

It just seems to me like this story is getting worse and worse.  I got off the phone today feeling really discouraged.  I really really want more kids and to have at least one living sibling for Savannah, but I really want to be done with all this soon.  Apparently, my ovaries want to be done with all this soon too.  Do you hear that noise?  Is that a clock ticking?  Lemme go find out where that's coming from...

Rebirth of the seasons

Last Wednesday, March 24th was Garrett's one year birthday.  I would have posted earlier about it, but I've been super busy since then.  I'm still super busy.  In fact, I'm always super busy.  But I figured if I let more time go by it would cease to be relevant, and I would forget the emotions I was experiencing.  So here I am making time.

Garrett's birthday also happens to coincide with Kevin's birthday.  That makes it especially tough.  I mentioned this to Kevin before his birthday to find out if he wanted to do anything to commemorate the event, but he doesn't want the sadness of the event to make others uncomfortable when they are trying to celebrate his birthday.  So I decided to have my little pity party all by myself.  I allowed myself time to be alone with my emotions so that I could deal with them and then have the ability to focus on Kevin without allowing the sadness of Garrett's birth to overshadow Kevin's birthday.  That strategy seemed to work well.

I took some time away from everyone and looked over old pictures and videos of our little guy.  I had myself a good cry and then treated myself to lunch with my husband.  I had a lot of people tell me that they can't believe it's already been a year, but I keep thinking to myself, "It's only been a year?!"  It seems longer to me!  It seems like I'm moving in slow motion trying to reach our goal.  To say we've had a lot happen in the past year is an understatement.

We're also approaching the anniversary of Garrett's death.  I'm finding this to be even more difficult as things keep bringing me back to the events and emotions surrounding it.  Although the circumstance of his birth is tragic, it was characterized by emotions that were not altogether sad.  Certainly fear was associated with it, but there was that time of uncertainty tinged with cautious optimism because he was born alive.  But his death on the other hand is only characterized by sadness.

Garrett's death was on April 7th, but the memorial service just happened to coincide with Easter Sunday.  All the things that we do for Easter and in the Spring bring me back to that time.  My family is coming in to celebrate Savannah's birthday which is April 2nd.  They will also be here for Easter Sunday, and it seems like deja vu in a way.

This past weekend I cleaned out the little memorial garden that my parents and I made for Sierra and Garrett, and it brought back all those memories and emotions when we were creating it for them.  Spring and the associated rebirth of the seasons used to be a time that reminded me of life and vitality and optimism, but it's seeming to have the opposite effect on me this year.  Can I hope for a time when this change of season doesn't seem so dark?

Natural Killer Cells and moving on

I spoke with the RE this morning, and apparently I tested positive for hyperactive Natural Killer Cells.  Based on the research I did online there is some controversy surrounding this diagnosis, but based on his school of thought he feels this is causing the early miscarriages.

The theory is that these hyperactive natural killer cells (or a type of white blood cells) are attacking the embryo.  If the embryo is able to grow large enough, it can "defend" itself. So this does not explain the stillbirth or abruption.  The doctor explained that there are no other tests we can do where we can find a cause for those.  He assured me that I will be closely monitored during my pregnancy, but that doesn't give me much assurance considering the circumstances.

Successful pregnancies can be had with the hyperactive NKC because one can become more sensitive with repeat "exposures" hence the reason why we would be having a problem with miscarriages now when I've never had a problem before.

If we decide to continue to try naturally with no treatment, we have about a 4% chance of having a successful pregnancy.  However, if we decide to do IVF with intravenous immunoglobulin (IVIG) therapy to treat the NKC, we have about a 60% chance of having a successful pregnancy.  We can't do the IVIG therapy without IVF because they are supposed to give the first infusion two weeks before you're pregnant.  If you don't do IVF, the timing is unpredictable. 

Even though this is just one diagnosis, I feel this is a lot to take in.  We've found a cause for the the early miscarriages, but it has essentially eliminated our option for trying naturally.  I wanted to have the option to try naturally before or after our IVF attempt in case it didn't work.

It also hasn't given us an explanation for Sierra or Garrett.  I'm apprehensive about paying for IVF with the thought in mind that we could loose the pregnancy later on.  However, I'd rather have the bill and have tried and failed than not have tried at all.  At least then we're not stuck with "what if's".

With all this in mind, I've decided to change my perspective on things - if only to manage my stress level surrounding all this.  I've decided to move forward with the assumption that we may never have anymore children.  If the expectation is set, then I can't be let down.  I read on the clinic's website that the sensitivity I've developed is more the exception than the rule - usually women who have this are not able to have any children because they start off with this sensitivity.  We beat the odds once, and maybe we already had our little "rainbow" baby that some couples try for years and never succeed at.

After I came to this decision, I felt instantly lighter like some weight had been lifted from my metaphorical shoulders.  I know this is probably just a coping mechanism, but I know this is the right way to deal with it for me.  I've allowed myself to move on and not worry and stress about it anymore. 

I would like to continue to try as long as we can afford it and have the health to do so, but I'm going in with the assumption that it may not work and we may never have any more children.  And if it succeeds, then we'll be pleasantly surprised.  We may only end up being stuck with the bill, but at least we can say we tried, and most importantly we can be thankful for our one living healthy child.

New OB consult appointment...

I had my consult appointment today with my new OB.  She is in agreement with the RE that we don't want to treat my pregnancy loss history with blood thinners unless there is something to treat.  She doesn't think the MTHFR mutation that I have is one that requires treatment.  She said she's seen patients with similar history who want to be preventatively treated for anything that could possibly go wrong, and she commended me on my rational approach for only seeking treatment for problems I've been diagnosed with.  Unfortunately, we haven't located the problem so there's nothing to treat yet...

She says all that in one breath, but she still wants me to stay on the low-dose aspirin and Folbic (super high dose folic acid).  It's funny because I'm the one that mentioned those drugs to my last doctors based on things I read online.  I wonder if this doctor would have even considered it if I wasn't already on it.  Do you ever feel like you're your own doctor sometimes?  Anyway...

I mentioned my classical c-section scar to her and the possibility of twins with IVF.  She agrees that having twins will put extra stress on the scar but is not enough to prevent our IVF attempts.  She outlined some of the major risks with having twins such as pre-term labor and pre-eclampsia that may require bed rest and premature birth.  She would prefer that I only carry one baby at a time because a singleton is generally less risky, but there's not a whole lot of control we have over that.  If we get twins with our IVF attempts, then we'll deal with it.  If we only have one or none in there, then we'll deal with that too.

As long as my pap smear comes back normal (which I don't foresee a problem with that *knock on wood*), then we will receive the green light for IVF.  We will then have the privilege of paying a boat-load of money for the use of technology to try to conceive the gender of our choosing.

So now we go back to the waiting game... (If I were a news broadcaster, that'd be my signature sign off...)

More unanswered questions...

Just got back from the doctor's office.  They drew blood to test my natural killer cells (NKC) and performed the hysteroscopy.

We should get the results back from the blood test in 7-10 days. 

The hysteroscopy is a procedure where a telescope is inserted into the uterus via the cervix so that the interior of the uterus can be examined.  Everything looks good.  The doctor commented that he can't even see my c-section scars.  That's good news, but somewhat anticlimactic.  If scar tissue were present, it could have offered an explanation regarding the early miscarriages.  It could have also been easily remedied. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful I have a healthy uterus, but we're still left with unanswered questions which is incredibly frustrating.  Now we wait for the results of the NKC blood test...

In the meantime, I have a consult appointment tomorrow with my new OB/GYN.  We will see if she will sign off that I'm healthy enough for IVF with no increased risk to my health/life.  I'm concerned I may not get the go ahead because I'm not sure if the classical c-section I have could put me at increased risk of uterine rupture with twins.  I'm anxious about what this new OB says because it could eliminate IVF as an option for us, but I'm trying to stay calm though until we know the answer.

I also need to get a pap smear... fun stuff!

Label change, aisle three...

I've been walking around the last couple days since our appointment with the RE on Tuesday with a very odd feeling.  I can't quite place it.  This whole experience seems really surreal to me.

We've been talking about IVF and pricing and the steps required to get to that point, and we seem to be going full steam ahead with tests and procedures and new doctors, but it's giving me some anxiety to think that we're going to be a proud owner of a loan in the same range of a decent car whether we have a baby at the end of this or not!  I had a hard time buying a $400 dresser, and there is a lot more at stake with this transaction!  It's taking me a little bit to adjust to being out of my comfort zone finance wise.

I also never thought I'd be a woman who would need to meet with an infertility specialist.  We don't exactly need IVF to conceive, but obviously something is wrong (not sure what yet) where we need the expertise from this field.  I was talking with the financial counselor at the clinic to get pricing and such, and she told me that once you meet with an RE, you pretty much get the label of "infertility".

I guess that's what's been bothering me recently.  I almost feel as if I'm grieving for my "fertile status".  I've always associated infertility with IVF for reasons that go without saying.  I don't exactly need IVF to conceive, but I do need it for my mental and physical well being.  In other words I need it to keep my sanity and spare my fractured back so we can limit the number of future pregnancies we have for the amount of children we want.

Before we had Savannah when we first started talking about having kids, I had that fear in the back of my mind, "what if we have problems".  But we didn't have problems (at first), and I thought we were going to be safe from all the horrors of struggling with infertility.  Then we had our first loss, and then another, and then we lost two more pregnancies early on.  I still felt I could hang onto my "fertile status" because we could get pregnant so easily.  I felt and still feel like there's something wrong with me, but I still knew I was fertile.  Now that perception is changing within myself.  I know it's just a label, and I'm not one that likes labels generally speaking, but these things do help us organize things better in our minds.  So now I feel that I've finally made the change from fertile to infertile, and it's kinda sad and weird.

Update:  I forgot to also mention that I have a general sense of anticipation and excitement that hopefully this process will end with a living baby in our arms.  It seems that this strange feeling that I've had the last couple days is probably a combination of lots of different feelings and thoughts swirling around in my head from eagerness, anxiety, hopefulness, and even grief.

Back at square one with unanswered questions

We met with the infertility specialist yesterday (also known as an RE or reproductive endocrinologist).  I'm really glad we decided to do this; the only regret I have is that I didn't do it earlier. 

We were given a lot of information at our consult appointment.

1. My current doctors' diagnosis and treatment plan is wrong for my situation.  The MTHFR mutation that I have is heterozygous, and it is on the "benign" gene. The problems I'm having are not related to this mutation.  Additionally, if I did have the more dangerous form of this mutation, it is not typically treated with blood thinners.  You treat it with 4mg of Folgar which lowers the homocysteine levels.  He basically was irritated with my current doctors because they are treating my "history" rather than finding the cause of our problems.  A lot of what he was telling me I had already read online.  But there is so much contradictory information out there, you really don't have any option but to trust your doctor.  

 

It goes without saying that I will be finding a new OB and perinatologist.  In fact, I called this morning to get a referral, and the doctor emailed me himself with his recommendation less than an hour after I called!  I was really impressed with how fast he returned my message.

2. We can mostly rule out various factors that cause repeat pregnancy loss, things like genetics (both me and Kevin have already been tested for this), hormonal (I don't exhibit any symptoms of hormonal problems like menstruation problems), environmental factors (I don't smoke), and probably low ovarian reserve since I'm not yet at an advanced maternal age. That leaves a few categories that we can't definitively rule out: uterine lining, immune, and bad luck.

3. He would like to run some additional tests to either find a cause or rule out other factors. 

I have an appointment on Wednesday for a procedure to inspect my uterine lining.  The doctor thinks the last c-section I had could have caused some scaring which is now causing the early miscarriages.  A vertical incision into the uterus especially under emergency conditions can increase your risk for scarring.  Apparently, this is easily remedied by removing the scar tissue.

He is also ordering a test (that insurance doesn't cover) that screens for natural killer cells that are too active.  Natural killer cells are basically white blood cells that will typically attack anything foreign that enters your body.  However if they are too active and don't respond properly to the father's genetic code, they will also attack the embryo causing miscarriage or pregnancy loss later.   I'm not sure at this time how this is treated.  Probably by lowing your immune system somehow, but that's just a guess.

There is also another immune response that can cause repeat pregnancy loss.  This one works by antiphospholipid antibodies reacting to the placenta and creating clots around it thus compromising the pregnancy.  These antibodies are present with other immune disorders such as lupus and rheumatoid arthritis, but their presence doesn't mean you have those disorders.  This is treated with small amounts of blood thinners to help prevent clots forming.  He did not order this test at this time because insurance doesn't cover this one either, but also because we were already screened for this after the first loss.  However, the test that was done is not sensitive enough to detect any trace levels of this.  However, he thinks that if I did have this, it probably would have shown up with their tests.  We will probably go back and do this one if we don't have any answers from the other two tests.

The doctor did say that sometimes you can have a successful pregnancy at first with immune issues because it is like being exposed to an allergen - it's not the first exposure that's the worst, but the severity increases after each exposure.

4. I found out this morning that we have zero coverage for infertility with our current insurance plan.  Once a diagnosis is made, we are on our own.  I am having a conference call tomorrow morning with the clinic's financial advisor to see how much IVF will cost and if we can even afford it at this time. 

5.  If we choose to do the IVF, I will also need a perinatologist sign off that I am not at increased risk for carrying twins.  This clinic experiences a 25% chance of twins with IVF, and they do not want both babies or the mother's life to be in jeopardy.

An encouraging bit of news is that this particular clinic has a 60% success rate for IVF, and they have the highest success rate in the Dallas area.  I just hope we can get to the point that we have the means to be able to afford it!  If anything, I hope that we can finally get some answers and at least have a treatment plan if we decide to try naturally.  Now back to the waiting game...

Food buzz and philosophical musings

This is completely off topic, but I thought it was really interesting and would be fun to share.

So, we were eating at Genghis Grill last night - a restaurant that specializes in Mongolian stir fry.  For those unfamiliar with the concept, Mongolian stir fry is basically where you go down a line (not entirely unlike a cattle corral) and combine in typically random-like fashion your own choices of meats, veggies, spices, and sauces (at your own risk and possible your own peril) to be cooked on a huge wok by restaurant-employed cooks.  I thought I was careful to avoid any spices or sauces marked with a "hot" indicator since I'm one that can tolerate (and sometimes enjoys) the quick flash of spice but am wary of anything that might have the lasting linger of heat.

Well, my food was either contaminated by another's spicier creation, or I was not as thoroughly observant as I had originally believed, or their spices and/or sauces were mislabeled or underrated because I received a dish of exactly what I was trying to avoid.  However, the typical nature of such spices usually involves a slow increase of the heat which makes its near-immediate effects immediately unknown to an unsuspecting diner.

I was halfway through my food before realizing my mishap and decided to power through and finish my meal.  At the end, I was left with the characteristic burn that terrorizes lips and tongue.  But after a few minutes, I started feeling the sensation that one typically experiences after a glass of wine or beer.  I felt as if I had a buzz and the burning sensation had noticeably decreased.  I mentioned this to Kevin, and he said he's heard of such things happening but has never been privy to the experience himself.  After a quick google on the iphone we discovered that apparently this is a fairly common occurrence and is caused by endorphins being released in the brain causing a sense of general contentment.  He said he's read the same thing happens to burn victims.  I also remember having the same sensation after massages. 

The one article mentioned that people can become "addicted" (not in the crack-addict way, but more like an adrenaline-junkie way) to the sensation but start building tolerances to the heat-inducing spices.  But these spices are completely safe and healthy for our bodies.  I find this completely fascinating how something so simple or innocuous can affect our brain and subsequently our mood.  But I think I'll stick with my massages for getting my "brain high" rather than spicy food.

It reminds me how important it is to take time to do the self-care items that are not so obviously important to our mental and physical health.  There are things happening behind the scenes in our bodies that aren't so apparent.  If we take care of our bodies, our bodies will take care of us, and we will be in a better mindset and physical condition to enjoy the simpler things in life.  We will be better able to be in the moment and enjoy the journey for the journey rather than being so focused on the end destination when we can forget to "stop and smell the roses".  I struggle with being in the moment because of my personality and because of our pregnancy loss experiences, but I think this experience has reminded me to make that a priority.  So maybe this little experience isn't so off topic as I originally thought when I first sat down to write about it.

Infertility specialist

I scheduled a consult appointment with an infertility specialist today.  I hadn't been thinking about it recently, but we were talking about the car problems we've been having recently and thinking how long we'll be able to go before needing to buy another vehicle.  We were talking about the size of the vehicle we would need with how many kids we hope to have, and Kevin mentioned that if we want to do PGD/IVF, this would be a good time and we should see how much our insurance will cover.

I can't help but feeling a little guilty about going.  I asked my current OB if she thought we should pursue seeing a specialist, but she didn't see it as necessary.  It would be one thing if I didn't need to tell her, but I have to request medical records for the appointment.  But I remind myself that I need to look out for my own best interest in this.  It would make me feel more at ease to get a second opinion and to put this stage in life behind us quicker if we can have two babies at one time rather than being pregnant two more times...

So anyway, now I get to sit down and fill out the tomes of medical history requested for this appointment. Wish me luck!